I visited the Doctor today. I have been going to the same chap for years, Dr Baljafray, or Jaffers as we call him down the club. He is a splendid fellow despite having a face like a badger's boaby.
I was feeling very peculiar. Out of sorts in fact.
Never one to sit around feeling sorry for myself I had tried the usual remedies. Getting honking mad drunk with the fellows down the Gentlemen's club, perusing the ladies in the local taverns. Nothing helped.
So I trudged into my appointment with Jaffers to see if he could shed some light on this mysterious issue I was having.
His receptionist ushered me in and I took a seat across from him.
Boomy, old chap. Lovely to see you! What can I do for you?
I pulled my well handled pipe out, lit it and gave it a suck.
I don't bloody know Jaffers. I haven't done a shit for a week and I feel a bit poorly. Any suggestions?
Jaffers got his pipe out too and gave it a few puffs then peered at me through a cloud of oily baccy smoke.
No shits and a bit poorly eh? Have you tried flinging a length up something? A lady or some such nonsense?
I sighed.
Yes yes, it didn't really help.
Jaffers made a puzzled hmmm. He reached into a drawer and pulled out a bottle of brandy and poured us a couple of snifters.
Have a drink old chap.
He passed one over. I downed it in one and gestured for a refill which was duly passed back.
I sipped at the second one.
Just can't put my finger on it. Reminds me of that time I came back from the Africa's with the yellow leg.
Ah!
Jaffers perked up at this. He stood and rummaged in a cabinet next to his desk before turning and triumphantly placing something that looked a little like a bent cigar on the desk in front of me.
This ought to do the trick!
What is it?
The exact formulation is a secret my friend, rest assured though that this will sort you right out!
It looks like a dried shit.
I am a Doctor my friend. I do not purvey dried shits.
Hmm.
I lifted the slightly flaky log and took a bite from one end. I chewed it slowly and with some difficulty swallowed the fetid mess that it had become in my mouth.
It tastes like shit.
Jaffers nodded wisely.
It is shit, it's Tiger shit! How do you feel now?
I made a fingers caught in tuggy winnets face.
Not again... Dammit man! That's the last time I eat shit in your office!
I slammed my brandy back and held it out for another.
And no, I do not feel better for having eaten a Tiger's shit.
You don't? This is most peculiar, most peculiar indeed.
Jaffers returned the remains of the Tiger shit to his dresser and pulled out an old book. He sat and started leafing through its dusty pages.
Don't worry old chap. We will get to the bottom of this. Perhaps the answer lies not in tinctures and potions but in here...
Jaffers tapped the side of his head meaningfully and held my eye before exploding into laughter.
Of course not!! In the head indeed. Where are we after all?... California! No. There will be a medicine, I just have to find the right one... Aha!
He stuck his tongue out and started mumbling to himself as he read down a page. He looked up exultantly.
Got it old chap. This should do the bloody trick and no mistake. Now, where did I put that boar's cock???
Jaffers started rummaging through various drawers pulling out jars of yellowed powders and phials of muddy liquids.
I stuck my bottom lip out and took a contemplative puff of my pipe. I knew I was in good hands. Jaffers, for all his fondness of dried shit was one of the best quacks money could buy. I blew a puff of smoke out.
I felt a strange stirring in my nethers. Good lord. Was the Tiger shit actually starting to work? I made to speak but Jaffers beat me to it.
Wait, wait old chap!
He was holding a glass before me. The creamy yellow contents of which swirled sluggishly as he held it up to the light.
I call this... The Boar's Lament! Quick, get that down your neck.
He held it out. I took it from him. A foul corrupt smell wafted up from it as I raised it to my lips.
If there is shit in this I will bloody well kill you Jaffers, I mean it. Kill you dead.
Ha! There is nothing as mundane as shit in that concoction my dear friend!
Hmmmph. Alright then.
I slugged it back. It was rank. It was foul. I tried not to chunder it all back up. I grimaced then shook myself. Jaffers watched on eagerly.
Well, you feeling anything?
I stretched a hand out. I did feel something actually. I felt...
I felt...
Magnificent!! Fuck me sideways and call me Emile! Jaffers had done it again.
What was that again... The Boar's Lament?
Jaffers danced a little jig.
Yes indeed my friend. The Boar's Lament, straight from The Gentleman Doctor's almanac. The formula is over three hundred years old!
I stood and stretched experimentally. There was no mistaking it, the cloud that had been bothering me had definitely shifted. There was an odd gurgling going on down at my back hatch and everything just seemed better.
There was a shouting from the outer office. We both looked up as Jaffers receptionist burst in.
Doctor, Doctor, some fellows have bought a man in, he has been struck by a car!
Jaffers jolted upright.
Bring him in, bring him in, let me see the blighter!
A couple of sturdy peons bought in a man clad in lurid neon cycling garb. He was clutching his leg and squealing like a baby otter with troublesome farts. They placed him on the couch next to me and doffed their caps to Jaffers before leaving.
Jaffers leaned over the man clucking at his injured leg like an insane chicken.
Oh dear oh dear, most definitely broken young man, yes. I will just have to pop next door to get some things. Back in a moment!
Jaffers toddled off. The door closing with a soft whump.
Hello.
I smiled.
The cyclist whimpered and looked up at me. I smiled wider.
I've just eaten a Tiger's shit.
His face rumpled in confusion.
What? You... what? Hey, what are you doing with that? Stop, Arrrrgrrhk!
Jaffers came bustling back in with an armful of supplies. The smile fell from his face.
Oh bugger, look at all this blood? And look at him, Is he dead? What the heck happened?
I took my pipe out of my mouth and beamed up at him from my chair beside the dead cyclist.
I have no idea old chap and if I did I absolutely couldn't say, after all...
Even Shy Lock Homes and his Dr mate would be having trouble about this stage. The local Chief of Police has made a motion to Parliment to remove Thursdays from the calendar to try and stop this series of killings on Thursdays.
Because there is no similarity between the slayings even Interpol and the FBI were baffled and couldn't help.
The only thing is to flee the country, go to Australia, they have lots of deserts to live in, the Irish tried it years ago and haven't been back since.
Is that where the bloody Irish went! I suspect the police will have to be getting their finger oot!
During the war, the RAF had " Pilot Officer Prune" whos saying was " Pull your finger out".
Should he join the local constabulary and help out?
He sounds kind the very man to get to the bottom of it all!! :0D
AKA PYFO Prune [often with two Fs as well]
You know what, Boom? That's the last time I eat shit in your office!!!!
hahahaha!
Even if I say it's chocolate!!!! :OD
Ooh, my Goodness...no matter if it was Boar's Lament or Duck's scream, You have reached Your goal...The fog was gone...You have a reason for Celebration...and new National Holiday on 21st March...Mr.Boom'$ Fog Liberation Day...
I've been having 🙃cloudy days these days, so can PhD Jaffers help in Cloud's Expulsion 😫 ?
The remedy might be hard to swallow but it sure seems to work!! :O)
I like the idea of Duck's Scream!!! hehe
Yes, we should try, that might works also...By the way this story reminded me on proved Urine curing technique ( I'm serious ) that trully cured many people...I guess a lot of "satisfaction" screaming here also 😣
Wow, I think there might be a bit of screaming involved in that! I have heard of that kind of thing as being an accepted form of treatment right enough. There is more out there than just what we know as they say!
I could have tell you.
No shit? Fybogel.
Fybogel is a winner!!
Haha. The prize is a years supply of Fybogel?😎
Lol, that would be quite the thing!
LAMENT!!!
... of the boar variety.
But, you know what's certainly not boaring? A sordid tale of murder, intrigue and tiger's shit! Good show, old chap! How is Jaffers? It's been a while since I've seen him last. I've been meaning to consult him regarding this odd third nipple that has sprouted. I want to say "it's growing on me" but I feel like it has stalled a bit these last couple of days.
Glad to see you back in full strength, Emile! Now go puff one out!
A third nipple you say. Hmm, perhaps some shit liberally ingested might help. Oh yes, forget all this modern mumbo jumbo!! :0)
The shit worked! I mean, sure it made me piss out my intestines and liver, but at least it got that annoying third nipple out!
Hurrah for the shit!!!!
"Pray, did o' shit eating Meester feed-kill the cyclist?"
"Is he," gasps "a Murderer?"
😁😁😁
I think you might be on to something!!!! :O)
This... I don't know how to describe this masterpiece. Is like a Lovecraftian-Sherlockish tale written by Hunter S. Thompson...
That is exactly how I would describe it!
Well, tiger pooh may make you strong...not sure what might explode from the nether regions. The Boar's Lament was most likely 300-year-old fermented boar's plooks!
Lol, it may well have been. Add that to the explosive power of Tiger poo and we are going places!!
hmmm, this tale was a bit unsettling, if I do say so, my good chap. I have to ask as this caused me concern from the get go, what is a boaby?
But I digress, this is an Uncle Boom tale I am not sure how to process. Seems a bit, cockeyed. Especially after last weeks version. hmmmmm.......
A boaby is of course, a penis!
I like to keep it mixed up, if anything last weeks tale was the untoward one!
yes agreed, that one was a bit outside the box as they say. You seem quite knowledgable about various animal penises, maybe you are veterinarian by trade?
It could be fair to say that once I dallied with a lady vet perhaps I absorbed some of her fine knowledge via her vaginal canal?
but then a gentleman never tells.............
Indeed!!!! :OD
as a side note, I seem to have gotten your families crud illness, some how through the internet! Beer drinking is down so I branched out with a music post. bit of a surprise move for me. ha ha, you noticed!
Nobody likes cyclists, so you've done nothing wrong.
HAhahaha, see, that is utterly true!
ARGh!!! ... wild tiger shit man on the loose!...What Voo-doo Jaffers do0 on our Boo?...lol
upvoted and resteemed!
Hahaha, poetry!! Quick, call the po-lees!!! :OD
Hmm. Shouldn't that be the "poo-lees"? Hehehe.
in his case with him eating poo....yup!
LOL! :P
It's fun to enjoy. You tell a story with great ability. Lots of interesting things and human values.
I really like this part and the cover is very nice with a dotted mark... after all...
I am glad you like that bit :O)
Sorry you are having some difficulties and I am no doctor but 2 T. chia seed a day will do the trick plus giving you tons of vitamins, minerals, calcium, etc.
Good old chia seeds! :O)
I was going to call you Emile, but I was afraid of what that might imply I did first...hahaha! A badger's boaby? Is that a baby booby? ;)
Its a badgers penis!
Lol, the Emile one just came out of the blue, Splendid!
I suddenly feel magnificent too.
WTF is concoction ??
It's a magnificent mix of many magnifient things. :OD
I did not stop laughing among so much shit!
I know a person who says: rich remedies are useless they have to be malucos.
But that kind of remedy, hhmmm? I dont know! It is difficult to pass it.
I would have you think about it a lot, before ingesting it
I would say a big fat no to ingesting it! Then again if it was from a tiger surely it would make you strong and fierce!!! :0)
Why you kill the cyclist, meesterboom? He was not doing anything to you. I was surprised by your killer instinct. Wow. Upvoted!
I guess he just like a killing!
I love how Tio Boom evolves week after week, always surprising us with some new attitude. the cliclistas in the routes are quite annoying one less contibuye in the circulation.
Have a good night dear friend @meesterboom
Yes indeed, they have to be thinned out a bit!!!
Damm!!! A tiger shit for my dear uncle boomy? plus maybe a cow piss to drink? hmmm hhowever it worked hence why our dear ol doctor is still alife because at least he cures uncle boomy. Damn...I know that the peasant will be killed for sharing the same room with uncle boom...good read.
Exactly. How dare the peasant share a same room as such a gentleman!
Damn I knew it before reading the end that uncle boomy will kill the peasant!!! Oh dear..I like gentlemen however you scare a young lady O...
He is incorrigible. I think he kills for fun!
hahaha, Brilliant!
Plus I could actually read this without getting lost in my own lack of knowledge & complete confusion -
given the fact that no random sexual references were made to a barber floor....
No barbers floors this week!! Hehe
hahaha YUP
Thanx Meesterboom ,
very amusing and hilarisch story ,
just what I needed in these last dark days before summer.
Where do you keep finding ur inspiration ?
Cheerss , :-D
Haha, that's a very good question! Uncle Boom seems to write himself!
It seems that Uncle Boom has already begun to stabilize his stomach cycle, and I say this because we have a dead person at his side again; I am already beginning to think that Uncle Boom is a vampire that murders people to take from them some particular condition; and it never says or anything happens with these cases. I think it's a matter of time before Uncle Boom gets involved in murder investigations ... Greetings @meesterboom
Hehe, perhaps their is an investigation going on into these cases as we speak!
Hahahaha! Definitely a new definition for "eat shit", lol!
Lol, I specialise in making new ones lol!
I am always enthused over your write-ups, I always wait for this to end my blissful day, yesterday was plooks, you can't just help not eating shit today - tiger's shit, thank God it's ain't bulls'. And Dr. Jaffer is the real magic. Ps: you should have a website with writeups as I often go into raptures with them. 😂 if yes, please reply with the address. Goodnight. I wish I could throw all my votes at this post
You are too kind. I dont have a website. This blog is all there is!
Oh! 😥 you should get one! 😀👍
Lol, one day perhaps
I'm a nurse in training and we were just learning about purveying shits today to save the nhs a bob or two! It's incredible that Jaffers has the foresight to already be doing it!
Good lord. That is incredible! The things that can be learned! :O)
I think we have all fallen victim to the "eat this" or "put this in your mouth" trick. Fool me once shame on you... Fool me twice... lol
hehe, twice is the killer!!
"was one of the best quacks money could buy." Hmm, that says a lot. Has he tried Metamucil, or maybe just adding more fruit to his diet?
I'm still confused by the ending and none of the comments have helped.
Fruit might hve been rather beneficial but then everyone surely knows that a gentleman doesnt eat fruit!
I suspect that Old Boomy, feeling much more back to his normal self just couldnt resist murdering the cyclist just because, well, because he loves murdering folk!
A gentleman never visits your blog even after saying that he'll visit :/
Aha! I did visit that time but I didn't vote the remedy because i wasnt fond of that one :O|
But you should have commented on that :/
Well you know me, I would never comment if I didnt vote and I dont like to say I visited your blog but I didnt see anything I wanted to vote for because that sounds mean as I have saw posts that I have voted for in the past.
:p ok ok :p now visit it, May you find something useful :p
I did :op
hahaha :p I witness that :p
Yeah, i know you gentleman!
Ohhhhhhh man i really liked your story . You're a really good writer and this article was so good . Appreciate about the way you presented this story . Now i became a fan of your . Keep writing like that , waiting for your next article .
Oh really and what was the best bit? The bit where he ate shit?
Nah, somebody finally striking back at people in lurid neon cycling garb. Can't beat that. Long overdue, I say.
I heartily agree, I hate the new breed of urban superheroes :O)
in his office : )
Did I even understand this??
I dont know! Did you? :O)
ok
very nice informative post.
Your post really awesome(Meesterboom)thanks