This one's a par five. Nink nonk, pinky ponk.
Nonker muttered happily as he shimmied his hips up before the ball as if he were attempting to entice a male of the species for his seed.
I rolled my eyes at my mate Daz who had bought this fucking chump of a man along.
We were playing golf, something I rarely do unless in mortal danger. However, this morning, Daz had caught me unawares by actually phoning me and I was so befuddled by having to use my phone as a phone that I had agreed to a round of golf with him and his nonsense-spouting friend.
Nonker was the friend, a skinny, red-haired, pale and freckled individual who carried more than a passing resemblance to a burning horse in a bin.
He hit the ball and it sailed majestically through the blue sky.
Nink nonk!
Nonker turned at us both and levelled his club at us like a rifle and mimed shooting us down like the dogs we were.
Nice.
Commented Daz stoically. He had three kids and was stoic about everything now.
He used to be quite the life and soul of the party but the third kid had broken something inside of him and now he was just a robotic shell of a man that only came to life when he was shouting at teenagers on Call of Duty MW3 live chat.
Aye, nice shot ya fucking banger. Make way for greatness.
I moved up to take my shot. I was shit at golf, in my opinion, the only time a man should have a stick in his hand was when he was beating the servants.
I took a mighty swing and watched my ball arc high in the air and come down in some fucking rough, no doubt terrorising some rabbits as my balls were wont to do.
No luck with that one there mate.
Smirked Nonker no doubt imagining himself riding a giant mouse into battle against the Voles.
I think my balls know exactly where they are needed, my friend.
It was my turn to smirk as Nonker reddened slightly at the mention of my Kingmakers.
Daz walloped his shot and it veered spectacularly to the right, disappearing into some awful looking rough patch of grass.
Fuck.
He grumbled, staring into the distance as if he could see another Daz out there. A childless Daz doing flamenco with wild ladies and running naked under the moon howling.
We started walking to our balls which despite myself and Daz's pitiful strikes seemed to be in the same relative direction as Nonkers.
That's the thing about golf. It's mostly walking. When a man asks you if you want a game of golf he is essentially asking you if you would like a walk. Like a dog almost but without the secret beefy nibbles.
Aha, Nink nonk, there she is!
Nonker spied his ball and slid his club excitedly between his fingers like a man in his sixties attempting to massage some life into his tired old todger.
This is the life, eh lads?
He wafted a hand out at the rolling hills behind us and the sun above.
It was indeed sunny. In fact, the day was turning out to be a stonker. I looked at Daz expectantly.
What about that one?
I pointed to a low rise facing the sun.
Aye, good enough.
We trudged over to it and sat back on the grass. Daz pulled a couple of bottles of beer from his golf bag and offered me one.
I took it and had a satisfying glug.
Lads, what are ye up to? We have only done two holes?
Nonker came over looking in disgust at the beer that Daz was offering him.
Aye, two holes.
Uttered Daz profoundly.
Two holes are enough for any man. It's the law.
We looked expectantly at Nonker to see if he would pass the test.
Give one over then.
He flopped down beside us and stretched out a hand for a beer that Daz passed over.
He took a sip then held his bottle out for a clink.
Ninky nonk!
We all chuckled. Maybe he wasn't such a plonker after all.
Golf.., it was my life once, now my clubs are getting rustier by the day in the garage. I even have a 2-iron blade from the 1980's..., one of those bastards that gives you 5000 volts if you don't get it right, or 10000 if its raining..
A 2 iron! I havent seen one of them in ages. I have a 6 and a 7 and a putter. Not quite the expert! :OD
I could welly it once with that old relic, now I would have pure electricity rolling down my arms. I hope you know what I mean.
Is it because they are so narrow? I have no idea, I virtually know nothing about golf!
Now that's how you play golf. It's a long long hike between some of those holes, so yeah, an interhole beer or 3,6,9 is just what is needed lol
We only made it halfway. It just got too tempting to sack it off and head to the pub. It is a huge walk! lol
Chasing balls around after hitting the hell out of them, exercise?
!BEER wins the day!
!BEER always wins!
Its the slowest form of exercise ever!
Golf keeps the arms firm, strong and flexible to cling onto the beer....
It's just a training tool!! 🤣🤣
Excellent training keeping balance on swing.... and slides!
Golf has never been one of the things that have interested me lol. It’s unfortunate because there’s a lot of slightly or highly illegal insider trading and business deals that go on on the courses. Maybe that's why I'm poor, in fact yes it is damn it!
Miniature golf, aka putt putt in some circles- that’s my speed. Crushing the souls of children trying to compete with me.
I dont mind a bit of mini golf myself but I must say, the state of the mini golf courses for kids in Scotland these days are terrible. Rubbish and disrepair all over the place. Takes the shine of beating your kids at it when their are food wrappers in the hole you have to fish out! :OD
Hahah damn ya that sucks, how far they have fallen from grace!
My son just asked the other day to go mini golfing, might get the season started! I will say the little shit has gotten a hole in one a lot faster than I ever did lol. Was glorious.
My son went to a party last month in which they got a free shot at the driving range. Now he wants to go again and I'm like, noooooooo!
Golf...something I am so shit at that I fucken banned myself from ever doing it. I am so shit at it that even when shit watches me try it the shit says, you're fucken shit! (I can only agree.)
I can hit the fuck out of the ball and it goes for miles...the issue is I have no control over what direction it goes, all I know is that the ball will definitely not go in the direction I want it to. Seriously, if you ever want a reason to kill yourself just play a round of golf with me and you'll be offing yourself before the 5th hole.
Nice words bro, you make me laugh with your posts and luckily you didn't have to slay Nonker with a putter for pushing the issue on a third hole.
I am super shit at it too. In fact the shit watching you thinking that is shit is probably laughing with his brother shit over how shit we both are.
I have seen many a ball just for of in seeming random directions. My mate actually wanted me to join the club. I was like, eh, no thanks man. For a start it's only sunny about three weeks of the year. Who would golf in the rain!?
Those shits man, fucken think their shit don't stink and like to talk shit about how shit other people are...the fucken shits! Those shits are shit bro.
Who would want to waste the only three minutes of sunlight Scotlandia gets a year playing golf huh? 😉
The shits are defo not the shit. Bloody shits 🤣🤣
Aye, w have better things to do in the sun like get our tops off and strut about looking a sickly pinkish grey colour!
🤣
After having kid or kids, one's life is terminated :)
It's totally bloomin true! :OD
Seems like you had good company in your golf game. Nonker seemed like a plonker at first, but I guess he was just a tad competitive and excited to play. Did the beer make your shots better?
The vet made the shots more exciting however better would be an overstatement!! Hehe 😀😀
" I was so befuddled by having to use my phone as a phone".... that made me laugh !
I had to look up ninky nonk..... now I know !
Glad it turns out he fit in.
Hehe, I still get surprised these days when someone phones me that is not a scammer!
It was nice he turned out alright!! 😀😀
😅 scammers do keep in touch though
Scammers can almost be guaranteed to keep in touch!
Not really, if you keep dragging them along for days by acting really interested but only when they're offline 🤣
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Lol. That's something I do like to do!! They get really marked when you communicate and they are offline. A lot of them work quite regular hours!
😁
Skilled Boom! There is a lot behind a simple gesture, a walk to the "hole", and a cold beer hahaha...
It should be a new Olympic sport! 🤣🤣
😂
Honestly I would prefer a good walk in the woods! Still, better than being indoors on a perfect day...
This post has been manually curated by the VYB curation project
It's like a good walk but with the occasional ball hitting 🤣🤣
You guys have Golf clubs and play golf over there? Oh, it's literally one of my favourite game chasing them holes
But nah we don't have no Golf club here and also there's like this stigma "you can't play golf unless you're rich"
And every time you laugh while playing golf it should sound like Ha💸ha💸ha💸ha💸ha💸
Lol, its for the rich here too. Thats why I dont play. I own a scabby set of three clubs!
I haven't played golf, but if what I call golfing like that I'll break a window lol. I am not always completely ready to start something that I know I want to achieve, I assure you that as soon as I get the opportunity I will do it and I will act naturally giving the flat head yeayyy Mr @meesterboom 🌹🏌️
I wouldnt bother with it. It is awfully dull! Although breaking windows with the balls might add an element of spice! :O)
I agree with your words man, 2 holes are enough XD
By the way, while I was reading your posts I was hearing the term El Jefe a lot and I didn't know what it meant. I started learning Spanish soon and found out that it means the boss lol.
Hehe, yeah, when I first started writing I was doing Spanish lessons as well and thought that El Jefe was perfect!!
And totally, golf is dull!!
I've never played Golf but after I tried I'll share my thoughts with you 😂😂
Lol, you definitely should! Don't be surprised if it ages you ten years!!
That means I shouldn't try it but still wanna see man 😂 In Turkey mostly rich people play golf :P
It's mostly rich people here too. All the big bosses in my work play it!!
I agree. I feel it's a cool exercise for the elderly and those who have a lot to talk about but will be mighty boring without good company.
Yeah, it's a walking sport. I prefer my sporta bit sportier!! 😀
Aside from perhaps being skinny, how does that description differentiate the Nonker from pretty much every other Scot?
!BEER
We gauge ourselves on our resemblance to a burning horse in a bin. He was high on the scale, some of us... Less so... 😀😀
You're a gas man!!! 🤣🤣 I played 18 holes this morning at 7 am, I must be slightly mental! I love the bloody game!!
7AM!! What in the blazes!! That's dedication man!! 😀😀
What the actual fuck.. have y'all never heard of this amazing invention...
We don't have those, they would just rust away to nothing in the forever rain!! 😀
He passed the test - nice!
Personally, I can't stand golf. I find it way too slow paced for me and generally get bored after about 4 holes. It's usually a struggle for me to get through 9.
It is boring as feck. Normally I would say skip the golf and go straight to the pub but my wits were not about me!!
Yeah sometimes they catch you off guard and then you hang up the phone and immediately regret your decision. Lol
I am always like that. The amount of times I have dragged myself to things because I haven't said no on the phone. Lol!
Yeah same. I always feel obligated to say yes and I'm a people pleaser, or was for a long time. I've been getting a lot better at saying no now. I say no a lot 😆
I have been trying that too. It has been working well although obviously not perfect!
My friends know me as the angriest golfer ever to set foot on a course. My clubs are now a spider hotel in the darkest corner of the garage where the light doesn’t even reach. Even a torch can’t penetrate its shadows.
Strangely the courses I played a decade ago have all been destroyed. Not closed. Destroyed.
I’ve turned my back on the game years ago. I miss it to be honest, it was one of the few places I would let my anger out!
Golf courses can be destroyed? Blummin heck, I thought they were eternal or something!
I am a terrible golfer so nothing to get angry about for me 😀😀
Is there a moment in the warm house of humanity you haven't made a comedic post? Ah! I see none. Hehe.
Thank goodness he understood something at last😅😅. Golf is boring to me, and I don't know why, hehe
It is dreadfully boring. I don't understand it myself! 😀😀
😅😅😅 Nice knowing I am not alone
I think there is a huge majority that would agree!!
🤣🤣🤣 what a poor little fun game getting these lovely attentions.
Lol, yes! 😀
Hehe
I have never played Golf, I don't like this game, but according to what I read you are not very expert either, or maybe you do but you DON'T like it 😊
I wish you a happy day
I am far from expert, I dont like it enough to practice and get any better :OD
Your post made me smile! You seem to have a great time bonding over beer. Who'd have thought golf would be so fun? Ninky nonk indeed!
It ended up being a fine day! :O)
Ah,😁😁😁 reading this took me back to those rare golf outings with mates. Even though I'm no golfer, I can really relate to banter. And hey, a cold beer mid-game? Can't argue with that... Infact here's some !BEER bruv
Golf never seem like an interesting game to me though. Looks like you really enjoy it. Right?
!WOC
Well done on Woc, @meesterboom! kairke(4/8) is appreciative of the time and attention you've devoted to writing this post. Your efforts are truly valued.
This post is truly outstanding! @kairke wants to show their appreciation with a gift of 0.3 WGOLD. Keep doing what you're doing!
BTW! WGOLD is the token of the War of Clans ecosystem, you can use it to have discounts in all our games or stake it and earn rewards now!
Life is going on in the same way with a lot of problems but when we play this game we focus on the game and have a good time.
It is all about focussing on the positive :O)
Me encanta ese contenido de verdad muy creativo..tienes talento y muy buenas ideas
Cheers mate
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