1977 age 9, my bike was my best companion in those days
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about being a woman in this world. I’ve actually written numerous drafts for posts on various facets of this subject. Unfortunately I’ve abandoned each attempt because I’m too close to the subject and have a very difficult time writing anything coherent about it. Today I’ve decided to give it a try and take the risk of putting my current musings down on paper and posting.
About 5 years ago I began to notice my own experiences and those of other women with a clearer eye and a new interest. Maybe it’s my age, maybe it’s about our times I don’t know, but I feel like I’ve woken up out of fog to see that there is a real and true gap between our society’s perceptions of the equality of women and the realities women face each day (in the U.S.)
To be equal, women must have legal ownership of their bodies. Women must have equal opportunity in every part of their lives and be free to pursue life, liberty and happiness. And to be clear, my thoughts here are not going to even begin to scratch the surface of this giant subject but I need to start somewhere.
So much progress has been made for women that it’s easy to forget how recent the progress is and the potentially precarious nature of these gains.
For example recently I learned that until 1993 a woman could not legally refuse to have sex with her husband. This means that as recently as 23 years ago a married woman was the sexual property of her husband by law.
When I start to think about what this really means, I can barely fathom it. How is this different from being a sex slave? Her physical body was his sexual property and she was not protected by law against rape inside a marriage. While I’m sure many and hopefully most husbands didn’t take advantage of their wives, I’m sure many did.
Laws to protect women and their bodies MATTER! Human behavior by and large will follow what the law upholds. Our bodies are ours, no one else’s. They do not belong to the state, nor to the federal government, nor to science.
In 1992 I was recently out of graduate school and engaged. Had I known this was a current law, I can say with certainty that I would not have even considered marriage. Not in a million years (and not because I didn’t trust my fiancée).
When I learned of this 1993 law, it rattled me to the bone and reminded me how important it is to uphold and protect the rights of women. I believe it is in everybody's interest to do so, but that's the subject of another post.
A ubiquitous propaganda of sorts was fed to me since I was very young and somehow I soaked it right up without question. From what I gathered as a girl women’s rights had been “won” and we really didn’t really need feminism anymore. In fact somehow I was led to believe that feminism was a dirty word, and that feminists were extremist bitches. All of this while rape was still legal within marriage. Although I can’t point to a single source of these messages, I can say that they overpowered all of the other messages I absorbed about women. I drank the Koolaid.
Even as a highly educated woman with plenty of opportunity to think critically, women’s issues were in my mind as “icky” for most of my adult life. How is this possible? What’s even worse is that it's not just me, most of us believed it to some degree and still do.
I now can't ignore the reality vs. the propaganda. One instance at a time I see how my internalized sexism and misogyny both have made me fight against myself and even hate myself. This has had enormous consequences in shaping my life. When you’re treated badly over and over, it affects you and you begin to treat yourself and others that way. Maybe you resist it if you’re strong (I wasn’t) and have powerful examples of something else, but over time, it will more than likely seep in regardless.
I see how misogyny has created tragic in-fighting among women for 2000 years. It all seems so bizarre to me now when I consider my resistance to feminism I carried for so long, I had no idea how insidious misogyny was and still is.
And as it turns out, women by and large don’t hate men and never have. They don’t want to fight men or anyone else, women just don’t want to be treated like they are worthless except when their talents are useful and convenient for men.
Just like men, women want freedom, the right to a full life which includes autonomy and ownership of our own bodies.
For me at this point, my next steps are simply about claiming something inside myself and claiming it consciously every day. Speaking up for myself and for others at every turn of life. I don’t want to fight, I want enjoy being me and living the fullness of who I am without the disturbance of someone else trying to own my body or limit me in some way because of their own fears.
It breaks my heart, the more I learn about this. I’m really grateful to live in 2016 when there is more awareness than ever. In fact I learned that currently the most educated group of people in the United States is black women - this makes me smile, this says it all. The most underestimated women are now the most educated, I love it!
What I hope for here is that we continue to move forward and not backwards.
Sexism: prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination, typically against women, on the basis of sex.
Misogyny: dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women.
"she felt she was struggling against thinly disguised misogyny"
I write these definitions not to be patronizing, but simply because I looked them up recently myself. They are thrown around so much and I wanted to know the difference between these words, and of course how to spell misogyny.
As always I welcome your comments and thoughts, thank you for reading!
Thank you so much for writing this and sharing it with us here. I really needed to read this.
I'm SO glad to hear it...had lots of trepidation about posting this.
Also, just checked out your blog - you are uber talented, so glad to know about your music. followed and look forward to working my way through your posts.
Im not even a woman.., and I can't fathom the whole "sexual property" thing -- that is just insane. To rely on a piece of paper, some law / legislation to tell you, you are free is so upsetting to me. We should all be free to be who we are from the moment we take our first breath. To let old white men dictate what women can and can't do -- that should be a freakin' crime!
Unfortunately, we are living in some pretty weird times, at the moment... Tis new "leadership" and the people that voted him in, seem like they want to take more than a few steps backward, when it comes to human evolution. What gives me hope, are women like yourself, willing to stand-up and be heard -- that none of this backward movement will be accepted. I hate hearing about women being treated badly (I grew up around some of that).., but it soothes my soul when I see how they have overcome all the unnecessary hurdles they have faced. Cheers @natureofbeing excellent post!
thank you very much @macksby
Yes indeed we should be free from the moment we take our first breath and all through our lives. I too fear these steps backwards that you refer to and I hope that we've all come far enough to step up and insist upon forward progression with all human rights. Really appreciate your thoughts here, cheers to you!
Well written @natureofbeing. I appreciate your thoughts on this matter. It's a tough, very confusing topic. As another woman, around your age, I can relate to how your younger- self felt about feminists. For the longest time I thought that feminists were a group of mean women that didn't let anyone ( I didn't make any connection to them being selective ) speak louder than them. It wasn't until I was much older that I realized there were and are some very good reasons why some women are so angrily passionate about what they think.
thanks @rebeccaryan, glad we've both "woken-up" although I wish it weren't necessary and that our world was as @macksby said - free, valued, and respected from our first breaths until death.
Exactly. I agree.
I do think there is a piece to it that we may not be able to fully change and that is the "pecking order" of our species. I think this hinges on intellectual evolution. Perhaps in another 500 years+ it will be different for everyone on our planet.
I'm a little bit older than you and fought for what we called sexual equality back then. Men were also understood to have little freedom if they wanted to be, for instance, the homemaker and caregiver. No, they had no legal ownership of their labor and were forced to work outside the home. Women were supposed to gain the freedom of personal respect and dignity and the right to their own bodies as you say. This was all supposed to be taken care of in the 60's and 70's.
None of that turned out. It's like a bad dream. What happened instead is that most women were forced to work outside the home by the inflation of the middle to late 70s, a few ended up going to college but so many married out, because men were never able to take any turns at caregiving (not that many learned to want that). Men had to work harder, feeling that their only value was diminished by the income of their wives. Children who should have learned to treat each other equally lived the exact opposite and the schools that took over parenting did little to help. Occasional attempts to de-emphasize sexual differences were not the same as treating the different (and joyfully different) sexes equally.
We lost that fight, and now the results are here to haunt us.
Thanks for your comment @baerdric! I do think lots of progress was made and was maintained but your point is well-taken...much more was gained and not maintained. One piece of good news I can offer is that where I live in Portland, Oregon, it is not uncommon for couples to choose for the husband to stay home and care for the children. Granted MOST couples have to both work as you describe here which is definitely not an improvement unless of course they want to. True choice all around is important AND a solid economy so that 1 wage can support a family. Really appreciate your words, thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
I had a late child and so I recently took the role of caregiver (the last 21 years) since my wife had a much better job than I did. I took a lot of grief from people who told me that since I wasn't a family leader, the man of the house, how could I raise a son when I was filling the role of a woman? I tried to point out that throughout most of history, man and women and their children worked together, especially fathers with their sons, but ears and minds were closed.
I was starting to see a change, and some of it is because so many more women than men are getting college degrees. As long as the social pressure is not on the men to somehow "lead" by leaving their family for 10-12 hours a day, or on women to be "real" mothers by not helping to provide for their children, it might be a lasting change.
BTW, my son turned out just fine, I homeschooled and he is an Eagle Scout and a peer leader at his College. He's already working in his field, which is a comfort to me.
@baerdric, you did a fine job in raising your son. That much is obvious. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
so sad that people gave you such a hard time for raising your family....glad you persevered and lived according to your own compass. Bravo!
Great and thought-provoking post @natureofbeing! It absolutely blows my mind that more than half of our species have been discriminated against to this degree for so long. Mothers...sisters...wives. My mom worked her entire life but her Social Security benefit is just a fraction of my father's because of the income gap between males and females from the 60's to the 90's. Also, it's shocking to me how little modern (conventional) medicine knows about women's health issues, mainly menopause. We can do much better as a society. This is totally off topic but that is a great bike in the picture! Is that a Raleigh?
blows my mind too. The wage discrepancy is another one of those issues that leaves me speechless. Good point about women's health issues...I've turned to alternative medicine which is very helpful for women's healthcare but of course this isn't covered by insurance. And the bike - amazing thing it was...a Peugeot. Wheels were quick-release and it was an innovation at the time. My parents were in England and bought it for me and all of us 5 kids used it at one time or another.
Many women I know have had to resort to alternative-Chinese medicine for menopause symptoms, conventional medicine is still in the Stone Age in terms of that. I didn't know Peugeot made bikes! I'm sure that would be a worth a lot now. The Raleigh folding bikes look very similar.
"When you’re treated badly over and over, it affects you and you begin to treat yourself and others that way." @natureofbeing, thank you for this timely post. This sentence resonated with me above all others. I was thinking today how I regret many things I did and the ways I treated others due to my upbringing. We both know the culture of feminism that prevailed at Scripps. I too used to think it was hard core. But I wasn't taking into account such simple things must of us have been fortunate enough to take for granted, namely our sexual rights. I had no idea that 1993 was such a milestone. As an adult and mother, these issues are closer to my heart than ever. We have come so far, but have along way to go still. Loved this one, @natureofbeing. I think that the harder a post is to write, the more it must be written. I hope you find this to be true as well.
I have thought so much about Scripps recently and how on earth it was that I just blocked out the culture of feminism there. Again I think I too took my rights for granted and blindly believed that there was no need.
You speak many true words here "we've come so far but have a long way to go" and "the harder a post is to write, the more it must be" Yup...I NEEDED to write this. In fact I pinned myself to it and wouldn't let myself post about anything else until I did it since I've so effectively not finished any of my other 20 or so writings about women's issues. Probably there will be more to come now that I've broken the ice with myself.
It was interesting to read. Well the problem is described. The material is presented correctly. Post deserves attention. I want to re-read to familiarize yourself with the individual parts of the post. It sets out clearly and intelligibly. The problem outlined in the post appears clearly to our consciousness. Thank you for having clearly shown that this is the case. We had to get acquainted with it and know more
thanks so much @stir, glad to hear that these ideas come across clearly
Hey do you mind, contacting me? Either through steemit.chat (@mrs.steemit) or FB: Uma L. Cortese . Would love to hear about your experience in B-school :)
Hello, I sent you a FB message yesterday :-)
There's a lot to think about in this post. I had no idea about that law in 1993. That's depressing to learn! Personally, I've never wanted to get married. I can't say why exactly, but I really have never wanted such an entanglement with another person. Maybe when I'm like 80 years old, I'll get married, if I make it to that age..........Great post.
thanks @stellabelle, really glad it gave you some food for thought!