Are all excessive self-voters drunk?
Why hasn't anyone asked that question before?
I don't know about you, but I like to self-vote my posts. I drop that nasty demon directly on my work at or around the fifteen minute mark. Anyone who voted before that gets a nice little boost in the curation reward department. Lucky them.
I limit myself to one post per day, sometimes but rarely two. I simply don't have enough time to be able to produce more than that. Creating every image takes many hours, I try to think before I write, and I prefer to give people a nice show. Then sometimes I'll be slack as fuck but don't kill me for I do not yell at you when you're asleep so why yell at me when I'm asleep?
Rambler posts can be quite interesting at times.
I thought I was talking about a drunken self-voting rampage from hell.
I better at least finish that thought.
I'd simply scroll down my outgoing list of comments far enough where nobody can see me, tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap (and so on), STEEM all over myself; done.
One minute is all I need.
But who would clean up the mess? How would I explain this in the morning?
I better not do it.
Maybe if I actually publish this post, I'll earn more.
See! Now I'm thinking like a good Steemian. Those life lessons I read on the trending page must finally be working. It's no wonder that book sells for $300 per page.
I should write a page for a self-help book!
Chapter One
Once upon a time,
I fucked up.
It took me several years to unfuck my life but I finally did it.
Now, I teach you how.
First, you must dig deep inside of yourself and pull out the madness from within. Once strangled, hang it up on the clothesline and beat it with a broom until it's dead; then sell it on the dark web as a mystery box.
That was how I made my first million.
I then met my ex-wife and her cocaine addiction I did not know about until it was too late.
I had arrived at my house one day after a grueling tennis match with the mayor of my village. I was supposed to be home at noon but I was early because that man's serve is like comets raining down from the heavens and his return is a vengeful tiger. I may have been defeated but I was still thirsty for more of life's lessons.
I will get my revenge someday, Mr. Mayor.
I went upstairs to the bedroom because I needed to change my sweaty underwear.
Once naked I noticed a strange lump on the blankets so I pushed down upon it with all of my might.
A successful man does not tolerate a messy bed.
I pressed and I pulled and I pushed and I tugged and I jerked; nothing seemed to work but I am not one to back down from a challenge.
After about one minute of further rearrangements, I heard the sudden moan I will never forget and noticed a wet spot growing larger by the second. I then heard a gasp behind me so I quickly turned around.
There was my wife; naked, covered in the cocaine powder, jaw on the floor, standing near the bedroom bathroom door. I then looked back at the bed and saw Charlie the pool cleaner very naked and covered in goop.
Within seconds my wife started filling up her suitcase with all she could throw.
She left me because I had inadvertently given another man a hand job; right in front of her.
I was devastated.
How does one even prepare for something like that?
Three days later her cocaine dealer came knocking on my front door.
Before I could say a word in defense, his gun was pushing up against my nuts and he said, "Your wife, she owe me the money."
I said, "Please sir, do not do me the harm. I am not your enemy."
I woke up four days later in the hospital with an empty bank account and only one testicle.
I had lost everyone and everything. To be honest, that was the first time I ever got burned in a business deal; but it won't be the last.
So stay tuned for page two of my journey towards helping you become me:
Mr. Success
Oh Yeah
I got this.
I'd say that self-help book page is easily worth $800, maybe even $1000!
I don't know though. I'm having second thoughts.
Maybe in chapter two I'll talk about how thinking will only hold you back.
Hmm. This is actually harder than it looks.
Maybe I'll just stick to being a jackass with fancy pictures.
I'm not even drunk anymore. Writing this post was the opposite of beer. How in the hell did that happen?
Who's up for a lazy ending?
Me!
What did I read here? I am not sure but it was amusing xD
Can't wait for page 2 of your million dollar book
Just some humor. A free write, improvised, experimental mess of random thoughts in article form, with cartoons too, somehow...
As long as you had fun, that's all that matters!
Damn that accidental hand jobbing!
Saw it cumming. 🤔
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Lol!
LOL x2
Don't you hate it when that happens?
I keep saying never again...
Hahaha, oh dude, you're definitely going to have the 'what in the flipping flying f's did I do last night' moment- you entertained the hell out of us, that's what!
The one thing this post is missing is an ending credits song. I can't choose between my two finalists so I'm posting them both-
I wasn't listening to a song on repeat as I worked on this so I didn't even think of that. Those will work!
That's a compelling story. Where does the un-fucking part come along, page 2? Or is there a lot more fucking up, bringing the un-fucking to page 5?
One needs to guide their readership towards unfucking, wisely. Never unfuck too soon or the book is over.
On boats, you see, seamen, everywhere.
A good story has got a twist, like a lemon in a drink. It made me laugh, thanks.
Reminded me of a song, filled with the color blue: "I ain't drunk, I'm just drinkin'."
If this does not make any sense, than I'm more blooterd than I actually thought I was.
Yeah I'd say that one took a hard turn nobody saw coming. Don't worry man, that made perfect sense.
It is a great read. Your work could fill books, I think. Combination of high res images and the stories to match.
Glad I made sense.
Have a great one!
Funny parody of the trending trash from self-help con artists like Chub Artist and Joe Paralysis--but too witty and well-written to pass for the rancid word salads Chub and Joe lazily toss together for the dullards and bots who upvote them. Stay thirsty, my friend.
Too good for the trending page indeed. Untrendable, I call it.
I gave a dude an accidental hand job once. He didn’t even thank me for it. Probably because he never asked for it in the first place. Then for some unrelated reason I was put in jail for rape.
Lazy endings are the best. I should practice more of the lazy endings. I like those.
I heard you can give a lot of accidents in jail.
And receive as well.
Ah, so that's how it's done. I must be thinking too much. Trying too hard. Whatever... I might just try not thinking.
Yeah, don't let those thoughts cloud your void.
Damn I knew someone with one testicle but his was because of cancer. You have an interesting life. Upvote yourself....it is safer. LOL
I always practice safe votes.
I think I was drunk while reading but my eyes became normal once I read this post will be part of a book to be worth $1k. Money and it's influence lol, Sounds a great idea though!
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Oprah will be calling me for an interview any day now. I can feel it.
Best bit of reading I've done this morn. Also, the Steemen art piece is my favorite :D
I made that one awhile ago. It's nearing two years old and I don't think I used it since. I think it's hilarious!
Thanks for coming and enjoying my mess today.
So, you are durnk...
And you have a f.cked-and-then-fixed life, a drug-addict ex-wife, one missing testicle, and a planned book, what propably worth 1000 bucks. Or it's just a fantasy.
Maybe my imagination is poor, but i don't see any problem.
We made mistakes. This could be mankind's motto, what we send with the next Voyager to the outer space...
I just wrote words on a screen and hoped for the best.
It felt too real for me. is it real? It must be real...?! Well, whatever it is... I'm diving right into Charlie's deep end.
Make sure you wear a swim cap. Better safe than sorry.
Thanks for the advice but I'd rather make a splash and see if I sink or swim.
That's how I learned; to float face down in the water.
lazy river.
If I woke up with an empty bank account and a testicle missing, I understand the bank account but I would spend the next several hours racking my brain as to why they took and what they're doing with my testicle.
I think they fry them up and serve it to rich people.
You're going to climb that mountain!
You're going to cross that river!
Halleluja brother!
Hands in the air; we want you to jump for positivism.
It died by your hand; it's the least you can do.
A $1000 right there.
Puff the positive dragon!
It belches rainbows, and it shits kittens,
It lifts our spirits, and drowns our sorrow,
Never touches trolls, without its mittens,
It helps you make it, to the morrow.
Or not.
Oh, this is superb. The satiric tone, the terrible message - but I think that line's the best in the whole thing.
Now where do I buy me one of these books?
A bit of advice for you - best to listen to this song when drunk:
It's addictive
like cocaine ;)
That's a good song during any state of mind.
😂
This morning has been slow, reading this has really picked things up!
I'm laughing at this little rollercoaster ride, too. This one was for those who actually read my stuff. Thanks for laughing at me today!
Haha it could definitely become a New York best seller !
I agree. I'm already working on page two. It should be ready in a couple of weeks!
I was trying to make some sense of what you were writing... 'is this real or fiction', the satire tag gave it away..., when are you publishing this on Amazon?
Tomorrow I'll get my people to call those people and we'll set something up.
I upvoted your post.
Best regards,
@Council
Posted using https://Steeming.com condenser site.
Upvoted.