Forgiveness is a complex thing.
People do mistakes all the time. Sometimes they hurt us.
Then we either move on, or we want to forgive and give a second chance - but how?
Forgiveness can be done in a wrong or in a right way. It's not easy, and many people struggle with it - even if they want to forgive, but somehow can't !
There is a difference between half-hearted forgiving, and true forgiving.
True Forgiveness actually means that you let go AND that you forget - that you move on, and never look back at the past again.
Most people think that forgiving is just about letting go, but they don't choose to close this chapter in their lives and never go back.
Now don't get me wrong : I'm not saying you should forget whenever someone's hurt you, and let them do it again and use you. Of course you are not supposed to forgive everyone, and some actions cannot be forgiven (depending on your personal boundaries.) For example, if you are experiencing physical/mental abuse, you have to decide for yourself if you are ever willing to forgive that person. I can't make that decision for you.
But all I'm saying is that if you really want to forgive someone successfully, you have to delete their mistake from your memory, and you have to make a pact with yourself to never re-live that moment and remember.
This is true forgiveness. You are moving on, and don't look back on your past.
Now on the other hand when you forgive half-heartedly, it often happens that you feel like a noble person for forgiving someone else, and then it's like keeping a score of how many "forgiveness-points" you and your partner get. And whenever the partner does something wrong, you hold this against them, implying: "Remember that I forgave you this and that? I'm a much better person than you".
This way, you are just creating more negative energy and tension, and you are putting yourself in a superior position, uncalled-for.
And this will stick to your relationship as an underlaying factor, and it slowly builds up more and more, until the glass is full.
People assume that forgiving is a pact, something you decide between you and the other person.
But that's not true.
Forgiving is a contract between you and YOURSELF.
You have to MAKE that decision to let go and never look back. You have to promise that to yourself.
You actively CHOOSE to let go of this event, to close this book and begin writing a new one.
This is very important, because if you act like you forgave someone but deep down you are still holding a grudge and are still mad about their mistakes, you won't be able to cover it up anymore at some point.
You will explode, and make things much worse than before.
Another important thing to mention is that it's easier to forgive if you are busy and moving forward in your own life.
When you have so many goals and things going on in your own life, you automatically don't hold a grudge because these things don't seem that important to you. You are so busy that you forget things like this sooner.
On the other hand, when you are depressed / not moving on in life, and your mind is not busy and has nothing else to think about, you will keep going back to these painful moments and keep re-living them, and you will keep being angry at the other person and not being able to forgive them.
This kind of bitterness can make you physically sick. It weakens your immune system and makes you feel mentally and physically unwell.
So don't let that get to you!
Finish off that chapter of your life correctly and move forward.
So here are three tips for forgiving someone:
- LET IT OUT!
Find some way to express your negative and hurt emotions. This could be through sports, screaming, yelling at a picture of that person, or whatever helps you cope with the situation!
But it's important that you let all those negative feelings out first, before making a clean cut and forgiving.
- CHOOSE TO LET GO!
You have to make a conscious decision to let go of this matter now.
Maybe you want to write a letter to that person, and then burn it. Or you might want to talk to a picture of that person and voice your decision of letting go verbally. Or you create a Mantra for yourself, like "I am done with this. I want to move on."
Whatever works for you - choose a way to actively finish with this story and let it go!
- TAKE A STEP BACK!
Take a deep breath, and look at the situation from a different perspective. Try to be empathic and understand the other person's view.
If you can understand why they acted a certain way, it's much easier to forgive.
Life is too short to hold a grudge.
Forgive, Forget, Move On, and enjoy life instead!
Forgive, Forget, Move On, and enjoy life instead!
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© Sirwinchester
You sir, are an excellent writer! If only 10% people follow these guidelines, we will have a happier planet. Thanks for a good read!
thank you, I appreciate your kind words! Always happy to help.
I can easily forgive if there was no malice. Otherwise an absence of trust spells doom for a relationship. For me lies, deceit, and misdirection are the sign to just let that person go and move on. Life is too short to have such unnecessary drama distracting you from the important goals, commitments, and people who are worthy. I would rather have a tight group of trustworthy people, than a crowd of fair-weather 'friends'.
100% agree with you, 3 true friends are worth much more than 20 fake friends.
Everybody has to set their own boundaries, and decide how they act if those boundaries are being crossed. Some have a very low tolerance, others can take a lot. But you are right, unneccessary drama should never be given too much attention, just move on!
Well said. I also think it's important when we have genuinely wronged someone to actually ask for forgiveness. This is even more powerful and restorative than simply saying "I'm sorry." When we acknowledge what we have done and then ask, "Will you please forgive me?" it can make it much easier for the other person to let go of their bitterness. But seldom will people do this for us, which as you said means we must decide to forgive them anyway.
I heard someone say once that when we refuse to forgive, it's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to be harmed.
Great post!
Good point - I agree, asking for true forgiveness is much more powerfull than just saying you're sorry. It shows that you really care, and that you are concerned about the situation!
I like that analogy with the poison, great input!
@sirwinchester
Forgive but never forget
Well, I would say a healthy balance is needed. Sometimes, forgetting is important in order to move on and letting go of the past!
There is no way to "healthy balance" this one or anything else. The "middle path" is a logical fallacy. We think that doing a little bit of both is ok for most situations but really it is not.
Being aware at someone who screwed you over is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.
https://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/middle-ground
yes, I agree with you that it's very important to know when someone crossed your boundaries. Like I mentioned above, I don't mean that you should forgive everyone that has ever hurt you. Definitely not, some actions should not be forgiven. But this post is merely a guideline what to do if you DO want to forgive, if you DO want to give a second chance and move on!
Thanks for your comment and the input!
How could you possibly offer a guideline for billions of people that go under special and unique situations daily?
I would say it's ALWAYS important to forgive, although not easy to do. Forgiveness need not be earned as it's a decision on our part. However, that does not mean that trust has been re-established just because I've forgiven them. Trust must be earned by demonstrating trustworthy behaviour consistently over time. So I can forgive someone, meaning I'm not consumed by bitterness and hatred of them for what they've done, but that doesn't mean I necessarily trust them.
Punch him in the face then forget about forgiveness can work wonders too.
relationship cheating is very hard to forgive but anything else very possible to forgive.
there are definitely some mistakes that can't be forgiven, but everybody has to decide that for themselves!
This post will definitely help a lot of people as every of your 'advice' posts! Thank you @sirwinchester
Very few people ask for forgiveness. And even fewer people know how to forgive. It's sad!you need to learn)
In true forgiveness is hidden a large force!
I believe forgiveness is so important. But the persons you forgive have to really repent their mistakes!!!
Great topic, I think many people can learn from that. Sometimes you will forgive but you cant... hope this helps <3
Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves, regardless of whether the other person asks for or deserves it. By forgiving, we unwrap the tentacles of the story of how we were done wrong from around our feet. It's hard to walk when you're hobbled by your story.
@sirwinchester 💙 ur post
Every night before sleep I say: I forgive to myself and everybody else. EVERY NIGHT.
A very meaningful piece! Thanks for sharing it.
I love that closing quote.
If it weren't for forgiveness I'd hate everyone and they'd all hate me!
That's life - everybody makes mistakes! And forgiveness is an important part of life, otherwise the pain and anger would eat you up.
Thanks for your feedback!
I needed to hear this. thank you! This will help a lot of people :)
glad to hear that it helped you!
I think "forgetting" is actually the hard part.
When something really hurt you, it is so so hard to leave that feeling behind and never think about it again!
definitely - forgetting is much harder than we think sometimes!
Love inspiring posts like these. Keep them coming! Bookmarked this!
Thank you, glad you liked it!
I have never thought about 'forgetting' this way.
Often we say: I forgive, but I never forget!
And I agree that that's actually NOT the right way to handle things.
If you only forgive but don't forget, you definitely still hold a grudge against that person. And how are you supposed to move on then ?!
you definitely understood the concept correctly, forgetting is just as important as forgiving!
Another great post from you, you are such a source of inspiration!
thank you, appreciate it!
followed you, awesome post once again. how do you choose your topics?!
thank you! They just come to me!
:)
I feel like you Blog is free therapy for Steemians, lol! Great job
thank you, glad if I can be of any help!
each person should be in life is a chance to reflect on their errors and correct them.Forgiveness is many things in life cost
agreed! Thanks for your comment!
I know so many people that say the forgave but still hold a grudge.
I hope lots of people read this, very insightful article!
thank you, happy to hear that you enjoyed it and it can be useful for people!
forgiving is a very important task in life. everybody makes mistakes, you do too, so forgive others and you can expect your mistakes to be forgiven!
exactly. treat others the same way you'd want to be treated!
I wonder why we don't learn more about our own emotions in school. Tips like these would be so helpful for many life situations.
Upvoted!!
there is so much we could learn in school, to ACTUALLY prepare for life!
very very interesting topic. Many people actually never learn to forgive (correctly), which is such a pity. Like you said, life is so short, why spend it by making yourself bitter!
thanks for your feedback! Bitterness is never the solution :)
True Forgiveness actually means that you let go AND that you forget
This is great advice, really good post!
If you do truly forget a transgression though, you would have a problem dealing with repeat patterns of behaviour. You have to be able to recognise a pattern, so that you can ask yourself "Is this aspect of their personality something I can just accept as part of the relationship, is it something I should try to change about them or is it a deal breaker?". In some cases you may have to forgive a close friend or partner prospectively, impulsively making transgressions may be a fundamental part of who they are. You may have to cut a relationship off for repeat transgressions if you cannot accept it is part of who they are, in which case you need to remember the transgressions that you previously forgave. For example, if you imagine being in a friendship with someone with ADHD, or even anti-social personality traits. Since they are intransient, going through a cycle of getting upset, then forgiving and forgetting is going to be the most emotionally draining of the options available.
@sirwinchester, thanks for sharing
I'm looking forward to more of your words.
You're the type of friend everyone is blessed to have.
I haven't started this yet except for posting a video to introduce my desire to connect with wonderful people here, but I'm very passionate about entrepreneurship, spirituality, and helping create a world of abundance 4 everyone.
I don't have the answers. I do have a vision. Just like your inspired writing, it just comes to me :)
What our future looks like will be determined by all of us. Let's create an awesome one!
I'm host of CELEBRITY STEEMIT where we explore all things Steemit. I'm interested to get some voices of compassion and love such as yours on the show sometime.
I'm also an exponential entrepreneur exploring how we will build the fastest A.I. on the planet and help contribute to a world of abundance 4 everyone. I love to laugh and have fun. Always a pleasure reading great content like yours. I especially enjoy spiritual stuff as it's so important to be constantly reminded of these sorts of things.
We will absolutely need more voices like yours helping to shape our abundant exponential future.
We can discuss this stuff and more hopefully in the future.
My belief is that our world requires more compassion. Thanks for sharing your insight on forgiveness.
Thanks for producing!
@fast2future