Life is a bitch, so learn how to fuck it.
Warning, more profanity ahead...
I'm not really sure where this quote came from but I'm pretty sure everyone who has dealt with some serious shit in their life can attest to this.
They say learn how to fuck life but in my case? It seems that life has fucked me up over and over again. Countless occassions I can barely recall them all.
What I am about to share here on my post is a very sensitive topic for me because it involves my dark personality. The other me, my alter ego. You know when you have that part of your personality that isn't really something you share or talk about with people very often?
But I decided to write it down because it helps. Yes I literally wrote it down. Pen and paper is like my therapy. I haven't really gone to a psychologist/psychiatrist. I have some issues that I don't really understand and I have no idea how to deal with it. So I resort to figuring a way out of it or at the very least, distract myself from it for just a little while.
I have decided not to encode the notes I wrote for reasons that I am more comfortable in having it hand-written instead of being digitalized. And because it is a sensitive topic for me. Sensitive, but not confidential. Also, I am hoping that someone from this community might be able to give me some advices on my issues.
In my misery of having identity crisis whilst trying to put up a good face, I wrote down the things that are wrong with me. Thus, the title.
Outgoing, ecstatic, jolly, high-spirited and hype. That's how most people see me as I only let them see the surface. And of course, your depth is seen by those who are closest to your heart and soul.
Just like when you look at my notebook, it's shiny, glittery and quite fabulous looking on it's cover. But what is the content?
On the first page, I wrote two things, my constant fear of my mistakes in the past and how I relive those moments everytime I remember them. And another is how my insecurity works and how I have been struggling to fight it all through my life. I think everyone has gone through the same spot I am in right now. If they got out of it, that's good. But for those like me who are stuck in this limbo, it's hard to get out and you don't really know how.
Second page, my endless suspicion that I might have ADHD. I'm not trying to derogate the seriousness of the illness. These days, that has been kinda of a thing. But I am not. And much to my willingness to dismiss the topic, I can't deny it because I see it. And we are talking about mental health issues which is something not to be taken lightly.
Anxiety. A recurring issue along with the arguments of how it affects it's victim. It really is fucked up to be dealing with anxiety. It's not like you have a switch on you brain and you could just tell it to stop when you want to. It's just there, ready to swallow you whole anytime.
When you suffer from the dilemma of anxiety, let's make it worse. Overthinking comes with the package. I mean, it's not enough that you already suffer from panick attacks and extreme fear, isn't it? Let's add the cherry on top. Overthinking is a noxious disorder. It can cause you to do things that lead to complete regret.
I guess this is a creepy way to illustrate how my mind operates when I am on the down side of my personality. And giving the #untalented tag a different definition, of course in no offense to @surpassinggoogle
I'm not really sure whether to post this or not but once, I asked my friend @maverickinvictus of how can I, in some way, deal with my issues and he gave me a hortative that I should definitely condone blogging about such, here in this platform. And so I did.
I am hoping this post could raise awareness in reinforcing kindness to anyone, everywhere. For every person is fighting their own battles and you may not know it but a little kindness could inspire and save someone's life.
Please check out our family group, our Ohana's blog @steemitfamilyph and join us! Be part of our family who each gives out a helping hand to every member. Or Check out our tag, #steemitfamilyph and discover amazing talents! :)
Thank you for the usual support!
Shock and Awe! first time I am speechless and needed to google a word.
I am in this trance that I actually madr you google a word lol 😂
Awwee, Inna! You know I'm just a pm away whenever you feel like bursting, right? I also have those moments. So, chill. Be bubbly, be bully but always be true to what you feel. Message me when you need someone to talk to :) a'ight?
Thank you Val! I am happy that I found friends like you here in this community. Thank you for lending your eyes and ears to hear me out. I really do appreciate your kindness. Thanks for being my sister in bully 😁😊 i'll definitely reach out to you when I have those kind of moments again
Yey! As always bully sister!
Most of the time happy people are the ones going through something serious and sad. I understand how it feels when you can no longer understand what's on your mind. It is effin' scary. Especially if it can do you harm without you knowing. I hope you can find comfort through blogging same as you do when jotting it down on your notebook. Blogging worked for me. There is a scientific explanation to it which tackles about the elevation of brain chemicals responsible to make us happy. We are here for you and to comfort you virtually! We'll surpass this :)
You are right @hundredlbsbeauty. People who show a lot of positivity are usually the people who have suffered a great deal. And I feel that you know where I am coming as you, yourself have gone through the same challenges too. Thank you for the kind words of encouragementm it is very much appreciated. 😊
Hi Inna,
wow. i am pretty surprised that u have all that inside of u. I hope u feel a little better now that u've gotten it out a bit. :)
I also have some 'issues' (great song) and have benefitted from speaking to a professional about stuff.
If u'd like to just talk about it or anything.. u got a friend in me.. just drop a note.. :)
Hey there, friend.
I did felt a little better after having those out in words. It's really a hard time talking to yourself inside your mind. It's a real dilemma that you constantly have to shut down that part of your mind. It's hard, but I have been surviving. Thank you for being so kind and willingness to help me get through it :)
I'd be happy talking to you about it. Maybe on discord chat?
:) yes. discord. are u already on there? i am chinito on there, too.
here's a link to the steemph server on discord, in case u need.. https://discord.gg/AkeHd2Z
Heyy do you have a discord tag? Im having problems on how to add a friend lol
hi. what u mean.. tag? once u are on discord, there is a little search box on the top left where u type names of people u want to DM. This is a screen of my pc.. it's a bit different on a phone, but similar..
I think i found it haha
Hugs Inna! Life is tough, but so are you!
Thank you pau. It's good see]ng you here. Looking forward to your future posts. Thanks for dropping by and taking the time to read my post. :) Don't worry, I'm a fighter :) ;)
@maverickinvictus already mentioned this in our chat yesterday, forgive me if I'm late coming to see this. But in all honesty, I am quite impressed that you're very willing to share this kind of issue with everyone else, and I believe this will lead to good things in the future. I haven't suffered or experienced these kinds of situations, but nonetheless, I am hoping you find something that can relieve you of this issue. The way you described yourself (especially with the creepy drawing) , I don't think anyone would enjoy having these kinds of things running through their mind, especially you.
Hello @jamesanity06, I was really not sure about posting this specially that I don't really know some of my followers here that might see this or most of the Steemit community that can see this post. But as I said, I followed @maverickinvictus'advice and went on here. It did help me as I was able to outspeak my rummaging thoughts almost clouding me. I would've described myself better if I was a better illustrator though. I'm only good with words. True enough what you have said, no one will be enjoying these kinds of scenes and thoughts haunting your mind every time. But I have been living this life for a while and still coping, surviving.
Nice writing, I am so sad to hear that you are fighting this issues too, this is a very common problem for our generation. And in most of the cases, people who never met problems like this, would say that it is only in your imagination, but I know that this are hard problems that you fight with.
I hope you will find peace deep in your soul and not have ever problems like these again.
PS: Nice idea with paper writing, it is pretty original!
Hey there friend, sorry I have been busy the past few days as my mom was brought to the hospital. She's okay now, though. Thank you for taking the time to read my shared thoughts here. It really was difficult considering I might be misunderstood. But you were one of the people who has an open mind and kind heart. Thank you. I am also hoping that these battles I fight will eventually come to an end.
Hi! I stay on your shoes and feel how it feels. It's the same, just bigger shoes for you. I feel the agony I have been dealing with my life each day. I have this lunatic tendencies at times and it is so hard to stop and stay away. The worst enemy is the evil thoughts behind our minds, so strong it can explode. I hope you still well. I do not know what comforting words should I say. Im here, we are here, we are ohana. Virtual hugs! Just stay.
Hi there my friend, im sorry I just checked my replies and haven't been able to reply to you. Thank you so much for your kind words. People like you are what motivates me to strive in life, because I believe in humanity and the good in people. Thank you for being an inspiration 😊