"If you don't climb the mountain, you can't see the view."
--Harvey MacKay
My life the past two years has been a series of hills and valleys. Two years ago, I decided to dive into the foster care world, and the landscape of my life has changed dramatically since then. In that span of time, I went from being a family of one (well, two, if you count my fur baby, Gus) to a family of three (four). I am now blessed with the incredible task of caring for two amazing souls, one little boy and one baby girl, that call me mommy. I am also hounded by a cloud of uncertainty and fear when it comes to the outcome of our futures. It has felt that just as we would reach the peak of mountain, another valley was sure to follow. In this series, I hope to share my personal journey of becoming a foster parent, my experiences with my foster care placements, and my reflection on the journey as a whole.
The Foster Care Initiation
Every state has its own guidelines and requirements for families to be licensed as foster homes. In my state, a person is required to undergo a 36-hour class, rigorous home study interviews and paperwork, home inspections, and background checks. I began my training in early August of 2015, and by the end of January of 2016, I had my foster and adoption license. While that sounds pretty simple when laying it out in a brief timeline, the days in between were packed with classes, studying, bringing my house up to impeccable standards, gathering furniture and supplies, completing piles of paperwork, multiple interviews, and just mentally preparing myself.
Many people wonder why a person would subject themselves to the process of becoming a foster parent and the stressful experiences that are sure to ensue. For me, I felt a calling to do something more, to be something more, to feel something more. I so wanted to have children, and there were so many children out there who needed caring parents. I felt the aching longing of wanting to hold my own children in my arms, nurture them, love them, guide them, and protect them. From my experiences as a teacher and school counselor, I knew that there were kids out there who felt that same longing to be held, nurtured, loved, guided, and protected. After much prayer and deliberation, I made the leap and answered the call. Little did I know the plans God had in store for me, nor do I yet know the plans he has for my little family.
Mountains and Valleys
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Psalm 23:4
I was reminded of this verse late last night, as I had trouble drifting off to sleep. For some reason, a verse from a song by Citizen Way called "How Sweet the Sound" popped into my head. My family is definitely in a deep valley right now, struggling to climb the tallest mountain. Each time we get close to cresting the peak and seeing what's on the other side, we slide back down the mountainside. My Little Man has been with me for 17 months, which means he's officially been with me for half of his life. We are at the point in his case where we are waiting for a judge's decision on whether he will go back or if we will be his forever family. The recommendation is for the judge to make that decision within 90 days, and we are now on day 99. As I wrote in my post Running a Race Without a Finish Line, living each day without knowing when or if an end is coming can be excruciating. Even though we continue to live our lives and move through our days in memorable ways, late at night when the kids are in bed, the nagging fears and anxieties haunt my dreams. Having the lyrics to this song pop into my head was a divine act, as it soothed my soul and was the medicine I needed to finally fall asleep. While we aren't in a "shadow of death" in a literal fashion, there are certainly shadows looming largely behind us. And yet, our days are sprinkled in sunshine through the daily interactions we have, the trips we take, and the experiences we cherish together as a family. It is a very strange way to live--to have so much joy and so much pain woven throughout each day.
Climbing the Mountain
The quote at the beginning of my post hangs on my office wall. It reminds me daily that the best things in life aren't the things that come to you most easily. The best things are hard-earned--the result of exertion of will, force of mindset, and willingness of the heart. We have had some great moments as a family; we have also had some nerve-wracking and near heart-breaking experiences. We've made it to the top of the hills leading to clearer views of the mountains yet to climb. We've walked the dark valley of uncertainty and fear. Grace has brought us out of the valley before, and I'm praying that it will once again see us through as we continue to white-knuckle our way to the top of this mountain.
I have had a taste of what it feels like to climb the mountain, breathe the fresh air, and drink in the amazing views. That is what drives me to continue to live in the present moment with my little ones and to create precious memories--to live life as if there was no decision-clock ticking its way toward a beginning or an end. This was both the hardest and best decision I have ever made; it has both challenged and changed me to become a better person. It has influenced my character and values. It has given me a family. The work is arduous and often unnoticed; the payout in hugs, kisses, and love makes it worth it. I am glad that I was called to be a foster parent, even in the midst of our struggle. I even surprise myself by saying that, because some days are so hard that the gratefulness I feel for my two little ones is overshadowed. Now that I have it down in writing, I never want to forget that I said it. I am so grateful for my two little ones, even during the hardest of times.
I want to thank those in the community that have supported our little family so far. Many have extended their best thoughts and prayers to us, and it is greatly appreciated. In the coming days, I hope to share a little more about my experiences answering the call and my own reflections on foster parenting. Feel free to ask me any questions about foster parenting in the comment section, and I will do my very best to answer them. I wish you a happy and blessed day...keep climbing your mountains, because we sure are!
(Photos courtesy of pixabay.com)
I am not married, I do not have any kids or anyone who depends on me. Every time I see a mother with her one, two, three or as many kids I am filled with awe and deep respect for the lady.
And to top it all people like you goes ahead and adopts a baby. Being a mother to one's own kid is different, the baby is a part of your being but taking care of a baby who is not yours is great.
No matter how many mountains you will have to climb I am sure God will guide you, and you will reach the top and breathe the air of satisfaction.
All the best with the baby and I pray to God that he gives you the strength that you need.
Thank you so much. It is strange...they somehow become a part of your being just as if you had given them life yourself. In fact my sister says he couldn't be more like me if I had given birth to him myself! Thank you so much for your prayers and support!
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Thank you very much!
Thank you for sharing your journey and sharing your heart with these amazing kids. It is so inspiring to hear how you have leaned into the Lord to be your strength and companion in this journey. I understand the strange paradox of joy and pain, confidence and uncertainty. My children spent 3 years deciding whether or not they were going to spend their highschool years living with me or in a different state living with their dad. It was such a challenge everyday to force myself to live in the present good and not get sucked into the gray looming cloud of "what if?" Somedays I succeeded and somedays I failed miserably. I'll be praying for that peace that passes understanding to guard your heart and guard your mind.
Thank you so much for the prayers and support! I can't imagine how hard that would have been for you. Being present in the midst of all of that for your kids and for you is such a challenge! I hope that your situation resolved with peace for you as well! Peace has definitely come to my heart this week. I'm hoping to write the second part in the next few days. The week turned out very differently than what was expected. Than you again!
I'm so glad you are feeling more peaceful! I look forward to reading more about your journey
Thank you! I am always reading your work and wishing I had the gift of writing like you do! Peace is definitely settling in. For the Little Man and for me. Thanks so much!
It's one thing for someone to do right by their own offspring, but you have gone out of your way to take on the amazing responsibility of caring for children in need of love.
I ( @thatsweeneyguy ) spent ages 2-4 in foster care (that's a long story for another day), and vividly remember a couple of the families I was with.
Raising children is one of the greatest experiences anyone can have. Best of luck to you and your little ones!
Thank you for sharing this with the #steemmoms tag!
It's been an amazing journey full of ups and downs. There is a quote that goes something like: "A child born to another woman calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me." (I'm going to have to find that quote now to see who said it and if I got it right!) It's a heartbreaking cycle of love and loss and love! Thank you for your comment!
What an amazing journey you are on! I will pray that God will continue to bless your family. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you so much! The prayers and support are so appreciated!
That's a great story, and you are one of the brave ones called to foster care. I always thought it would be too hard to get attached to a child who would potentially be taken away later. That's why I went right for adoption from foster care. The foster parents out there are heroes. You're one of them. I wish nothing but the best for you and your little family.
Well thank you...I guess I don't consider myself a hero since I did start partially for selfish reasons (wanting to be a mom). And most days I feel like it's the little ones who did the rescuing of me! It is very hard to get attached and sometimes you want to hold yourself back and protect yourself...but then you remember who needs love and attachment more than a child who's been through so much already? They are so deserving of that, even if that means heartbreak on my part. I thought after I posted...I should have included the "why" I'm writing this piece. It isn't because I want attention or to gain anything...it's because it's what I'm living and going through at this moment and it's pretty much all I have space to think about! People only hear negative stories (it seems) of foster care, and I wanted to shed some light on the other side that maybe people don't hear about as often. And maybe inspire others to consider the calling as well. Ow the important question: when does your (teenage) baby come home to you...or has she already??
She's supposed to be moving in next weekend. Then, we do the mandatory three month residency period where we are her guardians, and the social workers give us one scheduled and two un-scheduled visits to see how it's going. Then, if all is well, we can finalize the adoption.
Ah! So exciting. I will be praying for your family too! I hope it all turns out well!
It's funny though how different it is from state to state. I was just rereading the process you explained. So different!
Thank you. Good thoughts, positive energy, and prayers to your family, too.
Thank you so much!
That must be unbelievable! I am wishing you the best from Michigan....
I followed :)
Thank you so much! I so appreciate the support and good wishes. It has been a very interesting journey so far...never a dull moment!
Such a great story and you are such a great person for taking two little souls into your home and give them a future!
Thank you! They are such a blessing to me and have inspired me in so many ways. That's what I'm hoping to write about in the next part, as much as I am able to (can't write many details about children in care because of confidentiality).
From the first sentence of this post I can't get rid of the feeling I have to tell you just one thing: "DON'T BE AFRAID!"
I know it's easy to preach something like that for me, being, listening and looking from aside and not being directly involved. Although I can perfectly understand not only how painful as well exhausting or even depressing might be that uncertain wait, as you said not only not knowing when, but even if.
Despite all of that, I will repeat again: "Don't be afraid!"
Long ago, as a very young girl, I was told by one remarkable person and priest (who also happens to be and still is, despite his age, one of if not the best theologian in our country or even broader), the following:
"The devil's most powerful weapon against man/woman is fear!"
Therefore, I want to add, don't allow him to use it or even poses you through it!
Remember, no matter what, through God you are free of every fear!
Beautiful thoughts that I appreciate greatly. Fear has definitely held me back quite a bit in life. It's a fight every day to not let it impact the time we do have together but so far, I feel like I'm in control the majority of the time. And when I'm not I pray, pray, pray. I will keep these thoughts in mind as we continue to move forward each day. Thank you so much for sharing them! I need these kinds of reminders daily.
Oh my goodness, you've had your little boy since he was a year and a half...I so, so hope that he is lucky enough to continue to be raised by such a beautiful spirit as yourself.
Big hugs to you!!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!
I couldn't help but be amazed by your calling to nurture, love, guide and protect little ones that needed to be held. Your heart is precious and your Father loves you.
Please keep sharing as we await the judge's decision. Agreeing with you in prayer as we do.
Thank you for the kind words and the prayers. I will definitely keep people updated as they have been so kind to take an interest. It trying to be arrogant in my humbleness (lol) but man, these two kiddos are definitely the precious ones! I got very lucky that God chose me to care for them in their time of need.
Haha, I love it!
They are blessed to have someone as special as you caring for them.
My sincerest thanks!!
This post explains your Running a Race Without a Finish Line post. I had thought your "little man" had some terminal disease. Not having known anything about you at the time I read that. I'm so glad to be back surfing the feeds of Steemit. I think it's still not the right time for me to do a lot of my own posting...anyway...enough about me.
You, my dear one of @thesimplelife, are finding far too much angst for yourself amongst the obvious joy you're experiencing being a foster parent. You're bravery is noted, your compassion shines a light onto your soul...and you words speak volumes of how to give more of one's self.
You brought me a message in your other post. From a friend who happened by at a time when you were deep in the proverbial valley of fear and doubt. I am not my diagnosis. I guess I always knew that but was never able to formulate the thought so succinctly as your friend had. Have you had the chance to hug her for me yet?
I wish to say something to you, so first let me say I do not intend anything more than to hopefully help you smooth out your path going forward. Now nothing is going to be straightforward in dealing with the uncertainty and the bureaucracy of being a foster parent. Or any parent for that matter.
Try to accept the possible fact that you may have to let the "little man" go on to live his life as fate should bring him. Fate has already brought you into his life. As well as into your daughter's.
It seems you'll have little choice in the matter. But you have provided a loving heart and home for two small minds. What you have provided them is priceless and will undoubtedly put them into the next stage of their lives on good and stable footing.
Try not to let worry about such loss that may or may not come. Accept that there are many young souls who may still brighten your heart and home. You have so much to offer. And there are only so many foster parents of your caliber, so many horror stories out there. Take pride that you are able to provide the best care and nurturing possible.
No more sleepless nights worrying about things you have no control over. Keep your heart open for the next child who truly needs you to feed that growing mind and soothe the pained heart of a little one who through no fault of their own finds themselves in a world of stranger.
Their fear is real. Your fear is...if I dare say...unwarranted. Do your best...and to quote something I've heard often and one I think fits nicely with the song "How Sweet The Sound " ... not the five words of your friend...but three words just as wise...(((HUGS)))
~Let go...and let God~p.s. the valleys are not necessarily a place of foreboding.
...some are really a place of plenitude...imho <3
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