Thanks for sharing @stellabelle. I'm 45 and a grand parent.
I've been pretty picky about relationships my entire life and passed up most opportunities out of being picky.
Things in society annoyed me at an early age.
Seeing a friend who was nice, gentle, and intelligent and genuinely liked a girl be pushed aside for another friend who was a chauvinist, narcissist, ass, time and time again.
It made me seriously wonder why young women so often choose the assholes. Is there some biological wiring? Is it that "if they are an asshole they must be the alpha male, because no one is challenging them?"
That could be why I was approached often. I did not go out of my way to challenge people, but if I was challenged pretty much the challenger always quickly backed down (in hindsight I consider that lucky). So perhaps I gave off some of that Alpha male thing too. Yet I was oblivious to advances or not interested. I never wanted to be with someone that wasn't also a partner in mind, and exploration of the world. In fact that was far more important than looks. I was approached by some very beautiful and extremely shallow or stuck on themselves women. I didn't treat them harshly. I never have been that sort. I simply had indifference and they'd move onto the next person their eyes settled on. I was fine with this.
The alpha male didn't always have to be about being an asshole. It could also be the brooding intellectual. Is the person another Lord Byron, or Shelley? I did perhaps give off a little bit of this vibe, but that was not due to trying to cultivate an image. I viewed myself as a loner and didn't care if I fit in. Early I decided people would like me for who I am or I didn't really care if they did not.
Yes, perhaps a bit of a rebel in societies terms.
So what is my point? You describing your early youth and the type you were drawn to. He seemed a bit of the Byronesque type to me from your brief telling, and perhaps a bit of an asshole too. You see my friends that were assholes and had women throwing themselves at them were not always overt assholes. They were just shallow people, that truly didn't give a shit about other people, short of what interest they might hold for them at that moment. They would treat their "girl friends" like crap and a total lack of respect, and yet women threw themselves at them often.
I am older, over weight, and not like I once was. Back then these assholes often were where someone that cast their eyes on me would end up settling when I showed no interest.
My dalliances have been few but meaningful. By choice.
I respect you, I respect your mind.
If you find someone that you mutually respect, and that mutually respects you then go for it. You are correct it may not happen again, and if it does not that is not the end of the world (far from it). Yet please, leave yourself open to the possibility. Not everyone out there that would be a good fit for you is likely as narcissistic.
I did not detect that he was a narcissist. And he treated me very well when we had a relationship. It was like a dream. But yes, in some ways, he fit the over-the-top artist type who is suffering, or manufacturing suffering. When we lived in Japan and had our relationship, we were inseparable. It was quite like a dream. He treated me good always. He was very affectionate. I suppose I am too harsh to assume it was anything except a nice experience. I don't know why I brood and feel such passion for people. It must be some kind of defect actually. It certainly has not helped in the way of survival tactics. The emotions of humans are flawed to a great degree.....
Yes, my use of the term narcissist is a bit obscure here. I mainly meant someone who may not openly brag about their beauty or how great they are, but they may be a person that everything that happens around them really only matters as part of their show. It is a vague and really wiggly concept I am trying to describe, but I think you know what I mean. I think you referring to yourself as a Muse was one of the things that made me start thinking along this path. I think you were likely right. You indeed were a muse. Sometimes that can be a positive experience IF you are aware that is what you are bringing to the table. It can be quite a different experience (like yours) when you do not see that as what it is, and are thinking it is more.
Emotions are a useful tool at times. The challenge upon all of us is to not let them control us, and actually learning to tell when they are useful and when they are detrimental. That is a constant struggle I think. If it isn't in you, then I tell you it is something I am still continually learning and having new realizations about.
I used to have all kinds of dumb, attractive guys hit on me. I remember going out with a Dolph Lundgren sort of guy who was super hot. After I talked with him for like 10 minutes, I found myself bored out of my mind and on the verge of vomiting. Yeah, if a man is shallow, it doesn't work. Give me someone smart and has average looks any day over a model.
I was very selective in my youth and still am actually. As someone develops more intellectually in time, and goes through a lot of trials in life alone, a certain resilience is created. And given enough time, the person begins to feel whole. This has happened to me in life. At this stage, I guess relationships lose their immediacy because true independence has been achieved. A relationship just becomes a nice addition, not a central need. Being dependent on others has never been quite my cup of tea, though. Something about being needy and dependent, I believe leads to pain and disappointment, as per my experiences. Becoming solid, and independent, well, that feels like the correct path to be on because fear tends to scatter on such footpaths.
I am like you 100% here. I will tell you having children changed my life. It definitely changed my perspective because no longer could I 100% be an individual. My choices now had impact on other people's lives who depended upon me. It certainly changed me a lot when I became a father.
Prior to that I was pretty much fearless. After I had a child I finally understood fear.
I shouldn't say I was fearless. I felt fear. Yet I was attracted to it. I liked the rush of adrenaline that came with fear. So rather than avoiding things I feared I would be attracted to them.
So it is very possible becoming a father saved my life. :)