Preface
This has been hard for me to write about because it has been one of the parts of myself that I have wanted to hide from others for a while now. I've done a very god job at this and is the reason why mostly all of my friends would be surprised to know that I have this happen to me, since I seem like "one of the most relaxed and chill people" that they know. Yet keeping this part of me hidden I feel has taken a toll on me and has only made this problem worse over time.
Because of this I no longer want to keep this hidden and I would like to express this part of myself in a way to were I can grow stronger than it, instead of it growing stronger than me. The darkness can not grow within the light, therefore I feel the best way to do this is by practicing transparency of myself, so please feel free to ask me any questions that you would like. Thank you for reading and I appreciate your time
P.S. Since this was originally hard for me to write, I decided to make it a hulk theme to make it more light hearted and fun for myself^_^
That moment when it happens
My mind goes blank, all I can hear is yelling; It's myself yelling. Feeling the blood rush to my head, making it buzz with confusion. My eyes become unclear yet I can see myself pointing my finger at someone telling them how they're wrong and emphasizing all the flaws that they have. While yelling so loud that I strain my voice, feeling my throat vibrate, knowing that it is going to be sore later on. All of this starting just because one thing that a person said that offended me or that I felt threatened me in someway. As I start to calm down, wishing that they hadn't said that but knowing deep inside me that it was also my reaction that caused all of this to happen.
Most of the time, all of this starts from me seeing them angry or frustrated and emphatically feeling like it is directed at me. Then I unconsciously put myself in a position were I'm the target of those emotions that the person is having, aggravating the situation even more, even though the emotions of the person were not originally meant to be directed at me. But if the person was saying something that was directed at me (with there emotions increasing the severity of the situation if there angry or upset) and I felt like they were attacking me then I really get angry.
Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
The victims of my explosive anger after experiencing it usually become more defensive or start crying; If they become defensive, I get more aggressive towards them until they back down. If they start crying, then I hold off my anger towards them with minimal aggression until I calm down; Usually defending myself by saying things to them like "if you just wouldn't talk about that one thing I wouldn't get upset" or I tell them "try to be more calm when doing that one thing next time". Once I finally calm down, then I feel exhausted from all my energy being expended in such an intense way. Sometimes I even cry afterwards as a release because of feeling so much stress and out of control; It almost becomes relaxing to cry in those moments.
Through out all of this I've noticed the instinct within myself to deny or ignore that part of me even exists. A tendency comes up for me to try to explain what the other person did wrong, as if that justifies my behavior. I think this is because I'm trying to shift blame and the guilt I feel inside me onto the other person. Even if they also had equal or worse behavior than mine, that doesn't change the fact that I still reacted in a more aggressive way than was necessary. Instead of just becoming more non-reactive towards my external environment, I find myself trying to modify the peoples behavior around me to prevent my anger from activating. Doing things like pointing out related or unrelated hypocrisy's (past or present) in that person who I'm angry with always helps me feel less guilt over my irrational behavior when I talk about it before or after my rage.
It takes two to tango
So up until now I've been referring to the people I get angry towards as basically being any person, which isn't really true. Actually, this almost always only happens with people who I'm closest too in my life like my family, girlfriend, and sometimes in the past even my dog (hitting). This is weird for me because it seem like these people in my life should be some of the last people that this happens with. I really have no explanation to why this is either; Possible it happens because those people in my life are so close to me that I see them as a self reflection of who I am, including all the flaws I have too.
Also I've been describing the person that I express my anger towards as a victim, which isn't necessarily true either. A lot of the times it's a type of tension that builds between me and the other person, with small passive aggressive attacks over time. When they see how much it affects me, they do it even more. Then I feel that they are aggravating me on purpose. This is something that goes on for a while until at a certain point they say or do a certain thing that cause me to let my anger emotionally go out of control. Although my perspective is biased and probably even more biased in the moment when I'm feeling these emotions, I feel that its the other persons fault at least a little less than half if not even more. In the moment though when it's happening I feel like its completely there fault.
The ways that I've processed my anger in the past
In the past, when I start to get angry, I've only had two options: I can either express it or repress it.
If I express it, then the anger leaves my body. Finally escaping my system so I can feel more relaxed. Usually as a consequence this process involves yelling, most of the time directed at someone or some object close by to break. The benefit of this option being that I am not in pain emotionally and physically from swallowing the anger and letting it burn me inside over a long period of time.
If I repress it, the anger stays inside me; It never fully escapes and hurts me on a physical level, yet it protects people and objects around me from being emotionally hurt or broken (my otterbox protection case on my phone has protected it well but is barely able to protect my phone anymore). The downside is that, the pain of repressing it is strong and often just amplifies the anger inside me until the next time something triggers me.
My repression of my anger, even when it is not being expressed, creates a state of me always being angry.
Sometimes I would rather not make a big deal out of something when I feel angry, so I decide to just hide it and act like nothing bothered me. Yet when I choose to repress my anger like this, I feel it go deep inside me. When I do this I compulsively hold my breath more, tap nervously with my foot or hand, and generally do anything I can to distract myself from the feeling. Proving that I never really let go of what I was angry about, instead I chose to hold on to it letting it go deep inside me while it slowly burns me.
I think this is a defense mechanism that I've taught myself to protect against the fear that I have of being hurt. After an argument happens with someone or the person just said something that hurt me, I feel like they could do that again at anytime. So my defense for this that I've used in the past is to hold onto my anger towards that person, so I will remember and be ready for when they "attack me" the next time. but the problem with dealing with these emotion this way is that it's
1) not living in the present moment
2) predicting/assuming that the person will react in a negative way towards me again and
3) Ironically holding onto and recreating within me the very same experience that I fear happening to me again.
The new powerful truths that I've Learned about anger
Releasing myself from the anger that In the past I held onto was/is the greatest way that I can cleanse myself of the fire that use to burn within me. When I use to have this old defense mechanism, it was almost like having a hot coal thrown at me and me picking it up to hold onto it to throw back the next time I was attacked. In the mean time, while I am wasting my time waiting for this to happen again, I am also being burned by the very thing that I am afraid of hurting me.
I've learned that holding onto anger causes me to create more pain since its creating a negative false reality that Is not even happening in that moment; Creating something that I do not even desire. My new technique is let go of any past resentments with someone and then treat that person/everyone like they will connect with me in a kind, fun, generous and happy way at anytime in the future. This way I'm holding onto and creating a positive reality for myself, that could just as likely happen as the negative reality that I use to have. Seeing this positive potential aspect of each person creates an uplifting loving abundance within me and a feeling of freedom to interact with an open heart with each and every person that I meet.
Still growing and learning better ways to channel this part of myself
I'm still learning how I connect with each emotion that I feel and new ways to express myself everyday. I've also learned that the energy that I used to channel into anger sporadically, I can channel into other things instead.
The best way that I have found to channel this energy is to create some sort of strong physical or mental action. It can be a calculated action but there needs to be a degree of impulsiveness to it to really create that same charge; Expanding and pushing the limit of the things that I don't usually do in life. I've started working out in my backyard everyday and this has helped tremendously. My mind goes blank and the only thing I can focus on is continuing to move my body. Feeling every part of me pulsing creates a strength within me that nothing else ever has matched. I'm continuing to expand myself stronger and have continuous growth happening to my entire being everyday.
Image sources:
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Links:
https://soundcloud.com/user-890735555
I will be recording and uploading a hypnosis session in about a week from now on my new soundcloud account @Hypnosis Awakening that I just created. I've made this hypnosis session for myself to create a faster release of resentment, anger, or hate towards anyone that you know in your life. Focusing the mind more towards forgiveness and compassion towards others.
Feel free to ask any question you like or If you have any similar personal experiences that you would like to share, I invite you to express those things in the comments. Thank you for reading and may your life be blessed with growth and expanding conscious awareness
@ballinconscious
Attention: This post was written by @ballinconscious .
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© Sirwinchester
Great initiative and featured author with an interesting story!
Thank you, I'm glad you like it.
wow thank you for sharing your personal experience and giving us such an insight!
Your welcome. It's been a very interesting seeing and feeling that part of me grow. I see it as an unmatured part of myself that hasn't been acknowledge and need the acknowledgement to fully mature.
this was a very touching personal story and great writing :-) upped
Thanks for reading, glad you enjoyed it.
@sirwinchester looks like you chose the right one to feature :D
great post, lots of effort.
Agreed, He did choose the right person to be featured ;)
Glad you liked it.
very nicely written, I hope this can also help others on their journey. anger is such a nasty emotion that takes control over us
Thank you, me too. That was one of the big reason why I eventually decided to share it. Yeah it is pretty intense but I wouldn't call it nasty. The vibrational energy of anger is a strong movement. If a person is depressed then anger will usually be one of the first stages someone feels coming out of that depression, especially if it's a justified anger like finally standing up for one's self.
For me my anger is imbalanced because it hasn't "matured"; Meaning I have been scared of it so I decided to repress, which kept that part of myself from maturing in a stronger more balanced way (which I am doing now.)
Anger and fear both have there place and are a part of us for a reason; There just not meant to be self perpetuated endlessly beyond the moment. Just like if your in danger the feeling of fear will arise, which will cause you to immediately react to save yourself. The unhealthy kind of fear is one that we activated even if there is no danger around, basically imagining the "what if" scenario. This is something that need to be calmed for full balance. Anger is very similar to fear in this way, just with different aspects to it.
Very generous initiative and an interesting writer!
Thank you, glad might writing peaked your interest ;)
You are amazing to put yourself out there like that.
One of things that people do is to think they need to learn how to control anger or to understand why, at a mental level.. But, the amazing part is that you actually recognize you are NOT THE ANGER, which is why the search has begun.
I still have not decided if people can actually move directly to ease or does everyone have to go thru years of trials, learning, exasperation, and mental torment.
I feel like I went thru nearly the same process as you are speaking of here. I also, then spent about 10 years trying to process or understand or learn how to deal with the anger.. It wasn't until I bypassed all the psychological mumbo jumbo that I really found peace. Terrible thoughts and experiences kept arising, and it wasn't until I was in a deep pit, down in the darkest of holes, that I finally gave up the mental effort - and everything changed in a moment.
I'm still settling into this new ease, but the magic happened nearly instantly. It just took things to get very bad, so much torment, so much exasperation with the world, the war, the environmental destruction, seeing so many with nothing, starving, and me working myself to death just to survive..
I congratulate you on speaking out..
Thanks you, It was hard for me at first but having it featured by @sirwinchester and "distancing" it from my blog made it a little easier.
Yes, I also have the instinct to control it too. Yet when I approach it that way I seem to only be able to repress that part of myself. So my new approach is to mature it through awareness, expression of many different kinds, and letting go of what cause me to feel angry in the first place.
I think It's a mix between both those options. I do not think it has to take year, but I do think that there has to be some sort of consistent routine that change the patterns of how one reacts when that energy is active.
It is a very intense process and takes a certain amount of trust in ones self. Yes exactly, In my opinion psychology has the problem of lingering on the "problem" for to long, which actually increase the issue after a while. Focusing on the issue only help to the extent of gaining awareness of that aspect of ones self. Precisely, what was happening you when it seemed to get worse, was it actually finally releasing within you everything that you stored. Resisting or suppressing emotion is a lot like struggling in quick sand; It's not going to work and will only increase the strength of the quicksand(emotions) that you are fighting. Then once you finally let go, the dam is broken and everything that was repressed or resisted is released, having to deal with all the emotions all at once.
Letting go and forgiving is an amazingly powerful renewal. Often our perspective of the outside "world" is just a reflection of our inner world. People will become aware of only things that match their inner world, otherwise they won't even notice it even if it's right beside them. You have changed inside and instead of looking at all the problems that exist around you, now you are seeing ways that there can be a solution to those things.
Thank you, and thank you for sharing your story. Another big reason I shared was to hear about other peoples stories, just like you :)
I'm a fairly agreeable person and try to keep peace in my relationships but found myself reacting to situations with a girlfriend of 3 years much similar to some of the things you are describing. If things were mounting into discourse I would clam up focusing entirely on the negatives at hand. Being speechless would only compound the situation.
I've tried to sum it up that much of our problem was poor communication both being reactive and continually playing the situations out the same way each time. We've separated to being friends and the small amount of time we do communicate I still see a rough edge in our verbal compatibility. I think I've learned a lot from our experiences but want to develop better communication skills that I may not trap myself into a spiral of negativity when there's a bit of tension in the air.
Yeah Your situations sounds pretty much exactly the same as mine is. Approximately the same amount of years too. Yeah I've noticed I tend to become silent and distant, which she probably even feels that's worse than me just becoming really angry. Also like your saying it compounds those emotion within you only to make them stronger later.
Yeah I think It's the same thing for me but difficult to tell at the same time. Well I'm glad it ended in a good way were you both can still be friends. I definitely want to develop better communication skills also but even more that that I want to develop non-reactive listening. Were I can hear someone talk about anything or talk towards me with any emotion and for me not to absorb or get offended by anything thing they are projecting towards me. It is their emotion and I should not take it personally. Thanks for sharing your story and reading about my experiences.
Yes, non reactive listening! Let's get it going!
Forgiveness brother very powerfull stuff !! I can relate .
Indeed, they really are. I've been practicing that ability lately. Difficult for me yet I know I can do. Thanks.
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Thanks so much for writing this @ballinconscious
I can totally relate. I am an angry guy myself. It eats me up inside knowing my wrongdoers got away with it and I spend a lot of timing thinking up angry scenarios of violence.
It's just so tiring. I've gone for therapy too and it just doesn't help.
I feel that the long-term battle of overcoming this can be so overwhelming.
I've written two articles on Steemit about my anger. I think you can relate and I'd for you to drop a comment:
https://steemit.com/life/@aldentan/i-ve-anger-issues-and-this-is-why-i-choose-to-remain-angry
https://steemit.com/story/@aldentan/i-am-an-angry-dude-who-has-never-gotten-into-a-fight-before-so-i-went-to-thailand-to-learn-some-muay-thai
Your welcome, Glad you connected with my blog.
It's important to remember that we are not our emotions. We are a channel for them. The English language misrepresent that by saying things like "I am angry" instead of "I have anger". Yeah me too, I get angry at injustices in the and in my personal life.
Well I feel the biggest problem with therapy is that it focuses too much on the problem. instead of what you want to create to replace it with.
It can be overwhelming but it is also very doable. You just need to find something to create that will use that energy. For me it's working out every morning.
Also another technique is to starting saying things in a way were it can change and is believable. Like For me I have anger sometimes. Or I am angry sometimes.
I will check out your blogs. Thanks for telling your story. I appreciate it.
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