I've been processing through a lot of childhood trauma that's just kind of remained in me in the background as these old emotional burdens that i never really dealt with. I mean when you're a small kid...you don't really have the tools or the vocabulary to do such things.
Perhaps this will become more so a point in the future of education - connecting an awareness to our emotions and feelings within learning. I know for certain this would have assisted me immensley as a youngster...especially so as i reached adolescence.
I was 4 years old when I was faced with my parents saying good bye to me for 2 weeks. I had no say in the matter whatsoever. I was being left with my grandparents. I had never been apart for much time from my parents up until then. I wasn't really given so much notice...or i didn't really take notice until it was like the last second before they said good bye to me...and it was then and there i went into this panic and this desparation of begging and pleading for them to either stay or take me with them. No real great explanation was given to me as to why i couldn't come...i suspect that my folks wanted alone time...something to that effect.
The experience was like great and tragic death...it was immensley upsetting to me. I was in tears to such extremes...eventually i think i past out from exhaustion from crying i was so distraught.
I do however recall realizing after - that I was ok, that i was still here and I am not bothered.
The initial bother was extreme though.
I became so angry too...like I had a most wild temper tantrum freak out and cries of agony...I was so hurt, like there were these feelings of betrayal though i didn't know what any of these words meant at the time...to put it simply it was like, "What the fuck mom and dad...you are my whole world and your saying no I am not invited to come with you..you are my family and you are leaving me and i have no choice whatsoever."
The experience was of like just completely sucking and that was it. Complete and total utter suck.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become devastated when I have no choice in the matter and I must say goodbye.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having a pity pary upon experiencing such devastation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having felt justified in having an emotional temper tantrum because things were not going how i would like them to go.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for making a big deal about my parents doing something without me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not really consider anyone else but myself and what I want and desire.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not caring about anyone or anything in my environment within having a temper tantrum.
When and as I see things are not working out as I would like...and or things unexpectedly change and I have no choice in the matter, I stop and breathe, I realize I am still here and in the depths of me I am totally fine. I realize things do not always work out...and that things happen unpredicatably in life at times. I realize it doesn't really make me feel better by reacting out a temper tantrum of sorts. I do realize that it's ok to cry when it just comes up naturally and that it's a normal thing that we do sometimes when we are processing things that are very dear to our heart and there's a real depth of connection there.
I realize this moment early in my childhood did also show me a real indepencne about myself that I could live for a long while without my parents and be totally fine...these people that I had such a dependence and connection to. in fact hanging out with gradma and grandpa ended up being a lot of fun...as there were all these new things for me to explore and play with.
I do remember it was so nice to hear their voice on the telephone after a bunch of days had past. I was no longer sad or dissapointed...or anywhere near devastated...in fact i was so curious to learn about what they had been up to. It was so cool to hear all about their stories. They had been in fact looking for a new house for us in another city.
Moving to another city as a youngster is a whole other story I will save for another time.
Sometimes it's just really cool to write out a little bit about an old memory to just kind of articulate things for yourself where it's like by writing it out you can see it more clearly and kind process a variety of things in a more wholistic way.
I commit myself to to introspecting my early child hood traumatic moments when and as they surface within me quite naturally. I realize that by taking a look at the things that pop up in me seemingly quite randomly...that there's a certain amount of closure you get when you put to bed...put to rest these old memories that were lingering with a taint of this burdensome victimization energy.
I realize that one specific line of self-forgiveness can be dramatically life altering in the very best of ways...and even quite unexpectedly so.
I realize the possibilities are quite endless in terms of my utmost potential as continue to live a live of self-forgiveness as like the expression of me care taking for myself in a way where I gift give to myself often on a daily basis.
I realize self-forgiveness is like a massively undervalued tool of tremendous support in substantiating our best psychological development and matuirty.
I realize self-forgiveness is like such a simple thing of greatness we can do for ourselves on a daily basis with very little effort.
Oneness and Equality is Our Life Policy
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Wow its really dangerous just like changing life
wow..wow..
Wow... I almost cry...
Those experiences that mark harm to one are the reason for now being a better person.
The very fact that you have done such deep self-reflection and be able to talk about your traumas openly, reveals your capability to cope with such emotional distress, while at the same time making you more empathetic person.
If only more people were able to do so, we would have been able to live in a much healthier and progressive society.
Great content!
Very daring action that you have done, may be a great experience
Thanks dude. As someone who has endured nonstop rejection from the family of my birth...right up t'ill a few years ago...I absolutely concur with the necessity of self forgiveness...its vitality and effectiveness in returning to wholeness. Perhaps I really needed to hear you. I had your page indexed for a week...maybe longer. Indeed this reexamination of self is of primary importance to me and my mental, emotional, spiritual and of course physical health....and one of the reasons I came to Steemit. I require a fresh place to work through this moment of time I find myself in. The old people, places and things just won't do.
Crossroads dude. And I need work out where to go from here and for the rest of the time allotted me by the god of my understanding. I hurt deep down and need to know that I will not further victimize myself. Thanks for the post. Peace and blessings be upon you and yours.
Hey Zholla - Thanks for sharing, it's really appreciated. Real cool insights and reflections you have.
And really - thanks for the pic of the dude skipping rope at the end here - haha - i've been meaning to pick up a rope...skipping rope....and make a point of including something as simple of 10 to 20 min of skipping into my life....figure it's a small thing i can do which can have a lot of impact - just like self-forgiveness :)
Crossroads can be a bit unsettling...but it's hear where you are on the verge of catipulting yourself into new possibilities/opportunities...and or restrengthening and revitalizing existing situations...
Make a pros and cons list if you are experiencing a bit of a flip flop in terms of which direction to go in. Also - dare to give yourself a little bit of time in testing out new things...options in crafting new directions. A new journey always starts with the first step. Let the first hundred steps be really easy...that way it's easy to build your own momentum - maybe a little bit of writing every day spirals out into a book - 2 years from now - who knows :)
All the best - and thank you - it is great to connect with you!
Research-mind...thank you. Again you nailed it.
A distant mentor has been after me to journal...to return to something that used to bring me clarity and great joy. And that book has been nibbling at me from the back of my mind for a very long time. And here you go about momentum and daily writing with maybe a book in mind.
Good luck to you and your jump rope. The pros and cons list reminds me that I have not been keeping a regular gratitude list. No need to get back to basics if you stay there right? My gratitude list is one of the most powerful in my arsenal. I never get to number 10 without dispelling whatever mood was trying to infect me or deter me from my primary path. Dude...you have to stop being that fly on the wall! Hee hee...
Good connecting with you. Cheers!