The most striking example for me was that about seven years ago I got a new boss. This priest (I work at a Catholic parish) was absolutely wonderful—listened well, empathetic, clear about expectations, supportive but not micromanaging. I really liked him immediately and I thought we’d hit it off very well from day one. He had a tendency to express annoyance when he was bothered unexpectedly with something he had to deal with or under stress. There were a few times early on that I was on the receiving end of this annoyance. Now, his response was well within what I would consider a normal range for professionalism. There was nothing extreme or abusive about it. But when I was on the receiving end I’d totally freeze up and feel this intense cowering fear. One time he was asking me impatiently for someone’s phone number which I had in my records, and I simply could not figure out how to access that phone number to give it to him (which of course brought on more annoyance). I feared that he must think I’m totally incompetent at my job! That happened a few times and it really confused me because as I said I really liked him and thought very highly of him and he thought well of me and that good rapport only increased the more we worked together. I really couldn’t chalk up my response of freezing up in panic to my boss being a jerk or anything like that. I eventually figured out that in those moments I was reverting back to that scared little girl about to get a beating from an angry parent and somehow projecting that onto my boss who was in reality nothing like that.
Fast forward to about three years ago when we had to deal with a pretty bad situation with a family we were working with. That family had little respect for boundaries and literally bulldozed their way through to get what they wanted and it was one of those deals where you either give in or create a scene. In the aftermath I figured that I had screwed up for not having better anticipated what happened (thought there really wasn’t much of a way to do that). So I wrote him an email in which I was very candid about what happened from my perspective and where I felt I’d screwed up and where I felt I’d gotten played. I was expecting my boss to reply asking for a meeting where we would address what went wrong and how to prevent it in the future. Instead, he sent me a heartfelt email saying how sorry he was that I’d gotten hurt, which really moved me, almost to tears. I replied to that and in his reply he expressed that he was proud of me for something I’d done well. We did eventually have that follow up meeting where we discussed how to handle things moving forward and did make some changes in our procedures, but that wasn’t the first thing or even the most important thing in the immediate aftermath.
Not too long afterward, he and I were in a meeting and I did something he didn’t like and he expressed annoyance about that. I knew that something profound had shifted for me when my response was very calm—no sudden rush of adrenaline and no freezing up—and my first thought was (and I was thinking quite clearly), “He must be feeling stressed right now.” The meeting finished up with no interior drama for me, other than exhilaration over having what I considered a more normal response to what I recognized to be a very ordinary human interaction. I’ve not had that panic reaction to anything coming from him since then either, and our working relationship has only gotten better.
It's a great feeling when we figure something out about ourselves that lets us see things in a different light and handle them in a better way.
One thing I noticed about the events you related is that there seemed to be a difference in how your boss handled things in person as opposed to via email. From personal experience I've noticed a difference in how I respond to things and how others respond when there is time to process a response, write it down, edit it, reread it and finally hit Send. We don't have the time to do much planning and editing in our heads in the course of personal interaction especially when replies are needed quickly.
So for me, I rarely allow clients to talk with me on the phone or other electronic methods. I do everything by email. First, it gives me time to say exactly what I want to say in the tone I want to say it. Second, there is a record of everything said between us.
Finally for me, this is why I like social media like this. I can read a post and think carefully about my reply before sending it. If I'm having an emotional reaction, I can step away for a bit and come back later and give a more detached response.
Thanks for your thought provoking post! This has been my record of random thoughts inspired by it. :)
Thanks so much for commenting, Kenny! That is such a good point about the difference between email vs. in person. I definitely feel like I express myself better in writing, and that includes texting which is more instant, but still allows that much needed pause.
I know I can if I have some intention also think before I speak and I try to practice that... but it's definitely harder than when I can write. And yes, there's much less of a "paper trail" for in person or even phone or videocall conversations.
May I ask what are the services you provide to your clients? I think I know some of what you do but not the full extent.
Finally, yes, over the past year I have found a noticeable decrease in the situation where people I'm with trigger a disproportionate emotional reaction. I can think a lot more on my feet about how I want to respond and what's actually happening with me. I credit that to five years of working with an excellent therapist, processing through a bunch of complex trauma I'd endured in my life. I still have work to do but it feels good to have at least turned a few huge corners there.
Finding a health professional who we're comfortable with is not always easy; I'm glad you found an excellent therapist. The proof is in the pudding, or ye shall know them by their fruits, or whatever saying might be appropriate but the point is you've made excellent progress!
My services - I customize social networks by adding functionality that the network owner requires but isn't in the standard set of features. I do the programming / dev work and I have a design partner for things like art, layout, overall visual appeal - things I have no talent for. I can only do very basic design tasks.
Have a nice week! :)