For a couple of years now I've been a person who likes to be at home. My holiday days are over.
But I've been through times of depression, I understand perfectly well what it's like to feel that way. It's hard and the worst thing is that most people don't understand what it's like to feel that way.
There are still days when I wake up wishing the world would end. Sometimes I'm upset, I don't want to talk to anyone. I live in a constant struggle with those thoughts.
I know exactly how that feels. I felt that for years. Even when I first joined this place I was still a total shut-in and hardly ever went outside, I really tried to change that. I've made some major progress but yeah, a lot of those thoughts remain, unfortunately.
Movies and TV series have always been my escape route.
I now work in the film industry; it's so fucking surreal to me to see myself on set working on such incredible projects. The virus really killed all my work though. Recently I managed to work on a music video for an artist I've worked for before, it was amazing being back in that environment. A 15~ hour workday but being around such great people and being on my feet all day is just such an amazing experience to me.
I did the lighting for this music video. It's a song about loss and depression from a relatively small UK artist.
My advice to you is genuinely if you love cinema, to the point where it feels like you have genuine passion for the process of its creation, well, pursue it. Start creating things yourself and learn about light, cameras, various techniques. I genuinely believe this thing has been keeping me alive, without it I would be no different to how I was years ago, stuck inside, completely alone and with no direction in life.
This week I'm a bit discouraged, these are signs that at any moment I could fall into depression or suffer a panic attack, but I try not to let that happen.
Feel free to reach out on Discord if you ever need to talk. I'm always up for making new connections and talking and learning.