Greetings, Michelle.
I've followed you for some time but have yet to read your work or comment, so this is a first for both. I have a few things to say, and it should be noted that I'm not saying these things to be inflammatory, but to be constructive.
There's more telling than showing going on. This paragraph in particular caught my eye:
"When they got to the kitchen, Hunter’s mother turned to say hello to Dusty but when she saw the dishevelled state they were in, she was shocked and she couldn’t speak for a moment. Then she found her voice again and the questions just kept coming, without any time between them for Dusty or Hunter to answer."
Was her mouth wide? Were her eyes growing larger? I want to visualize what's going on. I understand there's dialogue after but I'd like to "see" more interaction. Facial expressions, body language, etc.
Also, one more sentence threw me for a loop:
"The demon’s body flopped around on the ground like a grotesque landed fish and she went forward to stand above his head."
I have no idea what image this is trying to convey. I also think the phrasing 'grotesque landed fish' messes with the rhythm of the sentence.
That's just my two cents though! I hope I didn't offend. I'm only trying to help the best way I can. I'm by no means perfect, though. Just calling what I see.
Hope you're having a good night/day! :)
Hey @xanderslee! Thanks for getting around to reading. Especially thank you for taking time to critique my work. You may be surprised to hear that I really DO appreciate it because you've pointed out some things that will improve my writing and I always appreciate that.
You're absolutely correct in the kitchen scene. More could have been done with showing not telling. I have a string of excuses for that - it's a short story, the pace needed to be fast, not time or room for description - but at the end of all those excuses I have to realise that's exactly what they are - excuses, not valid reasons. Thank you for pulling me up there.
The second point, you're entirely right on that too! I wrote it a few years ago and I've improved in my writing since then (I hope) and when I re-release these stories, I'll certainly be addressing those points (and any others you find and point out, I'm sure).
I think the sentence needs the 'standing above his head' part sorting out rather than the imagery of a landed fish flopping about on the riverbank.