It’s possible that using a BB gun to shoot mistletoe from the treetops was a bad idea, I’ll admit that.
During the stark December days of the year 1990, my big idea of selling packaged mistletoe for the holidays was freshly brewing in my head, and it was probably the best holiday scheme I’d ever hatched.
The Mistletoe Business
It was to be the year that I would finally get my share of the Christmas cash that was usually tossed so carelessly to that greedy elf Santa, and with a bunch of nicely packaged, well-presented baggies full of sentimental holiday spirit-- some genuine mistletoe-- I was at last going to be able to earn some of that green holiday money with my new business about to be underway.
The very idea of jolly old Santa ho ho ho-ing around town in his company sleigh-- leering down everyone’s chimneys and getting all of the holiday cheer while I scraped and starved through another grueling Christmas-- that vision was also dancing in my head as I sketched out my new holiday business plan.
Santa Isn’t Real
There’s no such thing as Santa Claus. Why then, did I have so much trouble with this made-up character?
It was probably because he was such a complete lie! The parents invariably present the idea of Santa to the children, and are then obliged to run out and purchase enough toys, treats and filler gifts to sustain that Santa illusion, deceiving their own families and creating distrust in the household using this insidious elfin sorcery year after year.
Santa gets all the credit for our genuine human kindness and generosity towards the innocent children, while the lying parents are forced into financial debt trying to make up for that deadbeat elf’s absence on Christmas morning.
A New Business Partner
My visions of sugarplums and evil elves vanished with a knock at the door; it was my friend Bing, and he walked in with a curious glance at my new drawing. “New band poster?”
Bing was a massive guy with a boyish round face and a classic rock head of hair, and he had arrived just in time to hear all about my new holiday scheme, ‘Project Mistletoe’.
Project Mistletoe
I quickly described my new holiday scheme, each step of it making Bing’s face light up a bit more:
We find a short tree, one that is laden with mistletoe.
We gather said mistletoe-- but only a bushel or two.
We package it up, and sell it door-to-door in the rich neighborhoods.
We dress like elves so that people will presume that we are official Santa’s helpers.
Bing’s face changed a great deal on that last one, and we decided that the elf costumes would be a little weird. Everything else though, Bing agreed, was the formula for some sweet holiday cash, and he was ready to rock. We set out to find some fresh mistletoe that very instant.
A Ride in Bing’s Red Sleigh
There must have been some magic in that old red Pontiac that Bing roared around in, because when we drove down Highway 300 for just a few minutes, we saw a broad old tree in the middle of a cow pasture, laden with mistletoe just as I’d planned.
”It’s laden!” sounded funny when I yelled it out, but there was our mistletoe tree, and we quickly turned around and parked on a wide gravel spot along the highway. The pasture was soft, and within a few minutes we were covered in mud, but the load of mistletoe that we carried back to Bing’s Pontiac meant that we were now in the business for real.
Door-to-Door
So it was that the very next evening, Bing and I drove into a fancy neighborhood loaded with bags of foliage-- probably completely legal-- and stepped out into the rich evening air. The lights and elaborate holiday decor there on Pleasant Valley Boulevard suggested that we were in the right place.
We thought it would be best to stick together, and so I crossed the street to work the far side, while Bing would ring the doorbells across from me, and we would meet at the end of the block.
I pressed the first doorbell, and realized what I had forgotten: a good sales pitch. I couldn’t expect to just stand there and let the mistletoe sell itself! What would I say?
The door opened a tiny crack, and I stuttered, “hee- uh hell... uh...”
The door snapped shut. I was suddenly shaking, and as I walked to the next house, a deep rush of fear swept over me. I’d come all this way with my fantastic scheme, only to spit hee- uh hell... uh through the slats of a louvered storm door at some frightened homeowner.
I was genuinely relieved when nobody answered the door at the next three houses, and instead of approaching the last house on my side, I waited for Bing to reach the end of the block for a progress assessment.
Bing was a big guy, as I mentioned. I could see him and his black leather jacket lurch past the streetlight on his side of the street, ducking out of the light like a criminal, and I could hear him laughing as he approached the rendezvous point.
”So the lady opens the door just a crack and says ‘who is it?’ and I say ‘A man selling mistletoe!’ and she slammed the door.”
A Man Selling Mistletoe!
Riding back to my workshop, Bing was mostly silent, aside from the occasional “A man selling mistletoe” followed by sad laughter and deep sighs all around.
Santa really does sound a lot like satan doesn’t it? And that red suit and all, I dunno. Tis the season to wonder about such things, I suppose.
Was Santa an elf, was he human, or inhuman? Those are the questions that I might ask, but a child can’t be expected to ask such things, and can’t be bothered with the holidays so near. If only the truth could be told, what a better world it would be, and a much happier holiday for all, and to all a good night.
Twas a week or two before Christmas, and I could imagine a child’s voice; “Is Santa a bad person, daddy?” and the reply, “Yes, dear. Yes he is.” was the responsible, honest answer.
@therealpaul Great post thank u for sharing :) following you
You should've sold this post instead, because this is all kinds of win! I see that you still have strong feeling regarding Santa, so I won't pile on. I'll just say that he's already fat enough, the least he could do was to share the wealth. Wow, that turned into something that can be applicable here on Steemit.
Fixed it for you. Everything else though was top notch stuff. 'Tis the season to be witty, but you don't need the seasons to agree don't you? You're shamelessly witty all year round. Don't change, brother. Never change.
I wasn't going to say anything about his physical stature, but I'm going to predict right now that when the season arrives, Santa will get creamed in the media for being an old white guy, which will lead to viral public outcry, his Twitter account will be closed, and the US will basically go to war with the North Pole, forcing elves to migrate into Canada, etc. I'll probably start feeling sorry for him then, just to be funny.
hahaha the elf costumes would have been fine, it turns out, since nobody really saw us anyway!
Right!? With the current climate, I bet people would be petitioning his replacement to be a hefty African-American Woman that is part Asian, part Apache.
And Santa don't say _"ho ho ho" no more, because [offensive implication] and [reason hidden due to low ratings] so you kids shut up, and be good, for goodness' sake.
They did offer a caveat that Santa would be coming for them. It was up to the children whether to heed said warning. But, with all the hoopla regarding pedophiles in Hollywood, I think that it's probably best that they cut ties with the big guy.
It was a great experience for you about, how much difficulty in reality to aquare some money. I was very naughty in my childhood, I often used to eat tiffin from other children. The story of businesses of mistletoe is very interesting ones. By the way you had mentioned Santa as Satan, what do you mean? In Indian language Satan means a devil. Sorry for delay, and thank you for upvote. Wish you a very beautiful time ahead my friend.
I was making a joke, but yes Satan means devil in English also. This was a true story, but I added the humor. Thanks for commenting!
Thanks for the nice reply, love to come to your post.
I'm glad you guys followed through with that plan, or I wouldn't have been able to read about it today. I just laughed so hard. Thank you.
We were doing great until it came to actually selling the stuff!
Yep, you needed a cute 6-year old niece to be your front person at the Walmart entrance or at the big church! At least you had plenty of mistletoe. Maybe you would have done better selling it across the local taverns. Guys could buy it to take back home and even out the situation of coming home late from the tavern!
The Christmas thing that always bothered me was the song that goes: I'm getting nothin' for Christmas. Mommy and Daddy are mad. I'm getting nothin' for Christmas. 'Cause I ain't been nothin' but bad." I knew that song was about me! ; )
Now that would work, the tavern idea. My biggest mistletoe enterprise nowadays was this epic two-part post about mistletoe enterprises!
I'm dying over here, friggin" hilarious. Great storytelling, my favorite part ?
"Yes dear. Yes he is."
I had to add that, it just felt so true!
This is hilarious. I can't determine if its a true story or a work of fiction. But I don't want the magic ruined. I'll assume it was real.
"A man selling mistletoe"
hahaha Shaking my head
It was 100% real, every bit! I always use a fiction tag for the made-up stuff.
oh I see.
Hilarious. Still chuckling to that
Hay my friend you are probably right that
Santa gets all the credit for our genuine human kindness and generosity towards the innocent children.
But I thing, santa not name of someone it's a name we give to kindness within us , love within us .
Whole the experience that you had done is really interesting and fully at same tine.
You are right, I should try to see the good side of Santa, but it's not easy!
Well sir I do appreciate what you do . Thank you my friend for your response.
Hay my friend can you guide me what should I do to improve my blog .
Thanks for sharing, enjoy the vote!
Welcome, thanks!
hee, uh, hell...hahahahaaa, okay laughter it is, hahaaa. Oh my god I can totally picture that.
It's too bad we live so far from one another, we have tons and tons of leftover grapevines every week that are unusable for us (too skinny or dead) but could be made into wreaths. With your artistic genius I bet you could make gorgeous ones.
Making wreaths would be fun-- trying to sell them would have to be done by experts! Or, if I dressed like an elf...
I wrote the first part of this while the internet was out, thinking of writing it for December, but eh, I couldn't wait! This beats the holiday rush.
I've always been fortunate at Christmas time since our winter business is very lucrative. It's summer and especially fall where we always had the struggle. I save through the winter, but at the same time I have this need to enjoy, or more especially my kids enjoy, times of plenty, so I also do a bit of splurging. The thing about the grapevine business-it's tied to wineries and alcohol is recession proof. No matter the economic climate there is always a demand, in fact during recessions sometimes that demand even goes up-when times are tough, people drink more!
But I still know the feeling because both of my children's birthdays are in August. Well, there's no elf to compete with of course, but making sure to have good gifts for the kiddos is just something I've always felt the need to do.
I think it's the alcohol industry that will keep me afloat as a piano player- there'll always be a bar, and a song is sometimes just what is needed.
pRETTY INTERESTING!
Thanks!
Really nice & smart post....!!...I like it.👌
Oh stop.
great post, love it, upvote and follow you @therealpaul
Thank you!
santa alll the way !!!