This week, @theironfelix issued a rousing invitation to write. His story, Hunt Down the Bananafish, explodes on the page with raucous energy. The challenge to other writers is to Finish the Story, to come up with a conclusion to the dynamic beginning he crafted. The story is an installment in the weekly writing contest sponsored by @bananafish.
No way, I thought. Not me, not my writing style. Then I read J.D. Salinger's A Perfect Day for Banafish", and found, somewhere between @theironfelix and J.D. Salinger, the inspiration to finish the story.
Below you will find the energy-driven tale begun by @theironfelix, and the decidedly understated conclusion, written by me.
Hunt Down the Bananafish
Boots clamor with the machinery humming. Iron walkways, under stomping feet, ache despite losing the senses a while ago. Grunts echo and bounce off the marble-walls and iron-ceiling. The grunting marchers ache for purpose, as they can stand no more of their shoulders’ acidity caused by hauling a crate so long.
"Hush, we near the Colonel-"
"Bob, we’ve been on the USSS Milky Way for how long? It’s pronounced ker-nel - not co-lo-nol."
"Keep your peace, Jerry. Anyways."
Raised arms, Bob’s hands knocked three knocks, every knock so polite yet firm. His legs, being precautious, retreated; doors squeaking due to leaving their closed state, the Colonel with a pipe and cocked hat steps out. Steadying the shades, the pipe soon found itself hugging the floor.
"Master-Sergeant Bob, how’d you... oh He would be very proud, yet let’s not yammer on about that."
"Indeed, and we tracked the coordinates-"
"Coordinates! I’ll patch you in sonny. Please yank that box in now. Tell me, how’d you got this potassium-skin?"
"I’ll take this one Bob, go input the coordinates. Colonel, the details matter not, but our white gloves are still white. Anyways, coordinates should be in now. Say, when does that bounty expire?"
"I still cannot believe it, we’ll be rich! We’ll have the Bananafish finally in our hands and the bounty just renewed and quadrupled its payout!"
Frothing came racing out and spreading about the Colonel’s mouth, Master-Sergeant Bob’s and Jerry’s eyes picked up on the bubble-infection. Bob’s hands signaled to Jerry if now was the time to act, but that time to act was inappropriate as Jerry’s hands signed. Bob’s ears, hearing the awkwardness, compelled the voice-box to utter.
"Would you like to do the honours of telling the other ships?"
"Ah, sorry. Anyways, the coordinates are already sent - now just an announcement... Ahem... Attention crew, this is the Colonel speaking. Right now coordinates have been uploaded and you may have a question. My answer: we found the Bananafish and we’re going to hunt! I repeat, we’re hunting down the Bananafish... I muted my mic, but do you hear that Master-Sergeant?"
"Ecstasy."
"And a hero, for that’s what you and your platoon are. When we’re back, I’ll make sure you get your due honours."
Bob’s and Jerry’s eyes deadlock together on the other, lips arching high and their minds ridding of any misdeeds. Turning their heads to the ship’s front view, the image of starry seas became interrupted as the view warps to a tunnel of passing light spires that raced with the ship. However, the moment was fleeting and the armada of spacecraft found themselves floating above the Bananafish’s home.
"Master-Sergeant’s Platoon, come ‘ere. You’ll be my personal convoy ‘til the mission is over. So sit in your own Orbital Drop Pods and await blastoff."
Sat they were, their armour covered with more weapons than plating and a soldiery hoorah echoing. The clock ticked, yet they were ejected soon and all saw the Nature below.
The hunt has begun.
Bananafish Denouement
A farm cadre had covered the bottom of the dismal plain with ten tons of banana seed. This was a labor to which the planters had been born. The work would consume their days until they died, for these were members of the banana sower caste. They had no say in where the fields of banana would be located. The sole, highly developed skill of the banana sower caste was to plant, to lay a foundation for the crop that would be collected nine months later by the harvester caste.
Bananafish planet had been discovered eons before. The pioneer caste had searched through galaxies for a perfect environment to grow bananas. The settler caste then established bananafish colonies, where the exquisitely organized bananafish society could thrive.
There were thirty castes in all. The lower twenty-nine existed so that the ultimate bananafish, the specimens that expressed the perfect essence of bananafishdom, could live in leisure and perpetuate bananafish culture.
This was a culture dedicated to the propagation and consumption of bananas.
Once, a lower-caste child...perhaps she was from the trash disposal caste...asked a blasphemous question, "Why do we need all these bananas?" She had taken note of the detritus accumulated by the bananafish leisure caste. And she had observed the great labor required to sow, harvest and deliver bananas to this caste. Her question received no response.
Then the child asked questions that sealed her doom: "Why don't the leisure bananafish do anything? Why do we do everything for them?"
The querulous child disappeared. No one ever learned what became of her, but after those words were uttered, an uneasiness settled upon the lower twenty-nine castes. A rumor was whispered that the mechanic caste was in communication with a foreign entity. This rumor died quickly, for all who repeated it also disappeared.
It came to pass one day that a formation of foreign craft appeared in bananafish airspace. Bananafish sentinels did not sound the alarm. The alien fleet landed and jack-booted soldiers exited the craft. It might be said that the intruders received a warm reception by the assembled crowd on bananafish planet.
The lead alien soldier stood boldly in front of his aircraft and announced, "We are on a hunt for the bananafish." He was at first met with silence. Then, almost as though they had practiced the gesture, representatives of the twenty-nine lower castes raised their arms and pointed to the palace of leisure.
"There," a chorus of voices rang out. "There you will find your fatted and useless bananafish".
At that moment, for the first time in their adult lives, the lower caste bananafish sat down, in the middle of the day. With work waiting to be done, they decided to take a break
Enjoyable story. It flowed well.
Those leisure bananafish must have something in store for the soldiers.
Thanks! At least the days of complacent servitude are over :)
Superb change in viewpoint. Simple but powerful build up to a satisfying end. Be ready to step up to take your trophy.
Keep Steemin!
I appreciate that! @theironfelix certainly served up an energetic prompt this time!
I agree, an excellent change of rhythm and pov. It's a great pleasure to read your unique interpretation of the first half. Your banana-social critique is poignant and your writing style flows so pleasantly. Bravo @agmoore! I'm happy to read you again :-)
Thank you! It's the first time I read the Salinger story. It helped me to find an opening for my story in @theironfelix's setup. So much energy in @theironfelix--wanted to do it justice.
He's a living dynamo! ..And your writing is strong but fine at the same time.
"It’s pronounced ker-nel - not co-lo-nol."
Haha. I thought that line was hilarious for some reason. Maybe it is because I always secretly pronounce it that way in my head. I know the line was not yours...but still.
I really enjoyed your addition to the story. With the somewhat silly visuals--the mountain of banana seeds, the lower cast acting in unison, the leisure caste etc-- and it's interesting representation of society--the elaborate caste system and disappearing dissenters-- It managed to make me feel like I was reading a comic strip or watching a cartoon written by Philip K. Dick. Good stuff.
Philip K. Dick....one of my favorite. His stories always had some social commentary. So thank you! I had great fun writing this bit. Best line for me was the last. Go workers :)
Just and probably gruesome deserts
Yep! 😄
Thanks for stopping by.
HaHa! Then the diligent diligent bananafishes rub their eyes and wake up and see that they do all the work and that others feed on them. Well, that is more than balancing the fact that this cannot go on forever. A very cheerful continuation of the story. Simple and beautiful. Cheers!
.. me likes that after the "break" there comes just space:)
I'm glad you laugh. It was a fun story to write. A little bit of the proletarian came out in me.
Yes, they sat down. I thought that was good place to leave it. Imagine, sitting down--a revolutionary act.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
I'm with you Erika, she chose the perfect place to end her story.
Now this feels like a good story that reflects 1490 Euro-Colonialism, specifically the Spanish one. With the multitude of castes (and supposedly castes within castes that really make the number at its height of 29) and a gluttonous pioneer caste / ruling class, it certainly does reflect that reading unironically. Which cruelly sets up a scenario of warfare between raiding / hunting parties and the established ruling class, a bout of extra-national conflict (with some undertones of inner-class conflict between the ruling classes between the nations) is to be expected. And this just humourously plays into the fact that working classes / 29 other castes really can only work as this conflict won't change a thing. So with this period of rest, they take it and begin pondering seriously on where to go. I can definitely see a three-sided war, a war that has an external party invading and a Civil War / Revolution happening as well.
I love your interpretation. This was great fun. Between your battling troops and JD Salinger's gluttonous bananafish in his story, this scenario came to mind.
Ho Ho Ho! @agmoore, one of your Steem friend wished you a Merry Christmas and asked me to give you a new badge!
SteemitBoard wish you a Merry Christmas!
May you have good health, abundance and everlasting joy in your life.
To see who wanted you to receive this special gift, click here!
Click here to view your Board
Do not miss the last post from @steemitboard:
Hello @agmoore, thank you for sharing this creative work! We just stopped by to say that you've been upvoted by the @creativecrypto magazine. The Creative Crypto is all about art on the blockchain and learning from creatives like you. Looking forward to crossing paths again soon. Steem on!
Thank you, @creativecrypto! I'm honored.
Fan-tas-tic! You flipped the script and had me cheering for the soldiers to take down the lazy rulers. Each example of the abuses to the other castes by the 'ultimate bananafish' had me hoping for them to receive their comeuppance by the end.
Your portrayal of the dismal life led by the oppressed made that moment when they handed over the fattened and lazy upper caste fitting and priceless! It's after 12:30 in the morning and I shouted "HA!!" when the representatives pointed in unison to the palace! (Luckily the others in the house are heavy sleepers. 😂)
Thanks to you (and to the fortuitous arrival of the alien soldiers), their days of subjugation and fear are over. Their break was long overdue.
I think maybe the bananafish mechanic caste had something to do with the arrival of the alien soldiers...you can't keep 29 lower caste bananafish down forever :)
:^D Very true!
Fucking. Baller.
The disjointed narrative threw me off at first, but that ending was so worth the build-up! Well done!
The nice thing about being a writer--you get to order the universe the way you want it, not the way it is. I love your comment!
Congratulations @agmoore! You have completed the following achievement on the Steem blockchain and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :
Click here to view your Board of Honor
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word
STOP