When I was 44 I started bouldering 2 times a week. An activity I enjoyed and decided was important enough to me to spend time and money on. Since having my daughters I kind of put the wants that I had on hold to prioritise them. I had climbed with my husband for a little while before my first pregnancy, but stopped about halfway through the pregnancy. Then other things became more of a priority with only one wage coming in and I placed my daughters' needs and wants before my own. Some might think I would resent having to do this, but I really don't. It was my choice and I always knew I would do this if I had children.
Image courtesy of @alex-zen
Ironically it was raising my children that taught me that it is okay to look after yourself. After all, you can't look after others if you don't also look after yourself. I also didn't want my daughters having so little self esteem that they put themselves below everyone else as I had often done growing up. Having them actually helped me to recognise that in myself. There's a balance between being humble enough to be respectful of others, to recognise your own flaws and weaknesses and understanding that you're just as worthy and valuable as everyone else.
One could say that I didn't have to compromise between my girls and myself, I could still have done the activities I enjoyed, but generally the parents I see who do that tend to have their children joining them in their activity/hobby. This is fine if the children love it as much as them, but can cause resentment later on if they don't. Looking back, even if I had been able to do my activity and different activities for my girls on top, I realise that back then I still wouldn't have thought I deserved that. After all, my husband was the one bringing in the income, not me, so he and the girls came first. I would often go without nonessentials do they could have what they wanted. There may have been a handful of times when I resented that at the time, but the reality is if it was something I really wanted and knew would be well used my husband would encourage me to get it for myself. My restrictions were entirely self imposed and deep down I know it was only frivolities I deprived myself of.
Recently an account, presumably a business type account hoping to get a customer to coach, messaged me on Instagram where I share climbing videos and asked me what obstacles I found to starting climbing later in life. I think they would have been pretty disappointed in my rather boring answer, which was that I wasn't aware of encountering any obstacles. It's not like I'm climbing to be competitive or even to get to a certain grade. If I was then the biggest obstacle would be my age and there's nothing anyone can do about that, so why even view it as an obstacle?
I'm someone who is amenable to learning from other's mistakes and not just my own, so when older people have said you should try not to have regrets it caused me to think about whether my choices would leave me with regrets and take ownership of the fact that my decisions now might affect my options in the future.
I remember having conversations with my daughter who was torn between following her passions in dance and science. I pointed out that if she wanted to do dance then there was more of a time limit and she wouldn't be able to change her mind at a later point and come back to it because most retire out of it in their 30s. With more academic things you can change your mind and come back to it at a later point. She chose in the end up go the academic route and I believe she did so without any regrets. Even within her academics she's faced different choices on her pathways and weighed them up as she's gone along. She's happy with where she is right now and where she's heading. She's already had a variety of experiences in life and will likely have many more in her future, whether that will be enough to satisfy her is up to her.
My father-in-law often used to complain about his perceived missed opportunities, but it's pointless complaining about what can no longer be changed. Therefore we can only learn from it and perhaps use that knowledge to grab future opportunities that might come along. That said, there is a risk with learning from regrets that can drive someone to them wanting to do and have everything at the same time instead of prioritising and letting the lower priority things go or being happy with experiencing them on a smaller level.
As an example, someone I know wants to travel and have a homestead, then wonders why they can't find someone to look after their homestead while they travel. A smaller garden could be set up with an automated watering system while travelling and then be an enjoyment while at home. Or travelling could be done first, then settle down on a homestead. Sometimes we need to figure out what is the most important to us and try to let go of other things and move on without regret. After all, depending on our circumstances we might not always be able to have everything we want.
For most people when they are in their twilight years it's not the things that cost money in life they wish they'd had more of it's experiences. They are more likely to regret time not spent with loved ones or time not taken for themselves because they spent too much time on trying to earn more money. It's one thing to save for your retirement in the future, but quite another to deprive yourself of everything in the present to try and achieve that.
What are your priorities in life? Do you have any regrets? Do you have a bucket list of things you'd like to do?
This was indeed a very introspective piece, thanks for taking us through your thought process.
I have to commend you on choosing to stay at home and take of the kids while your husband worked. From what I've heard, being a stay at home mom is not easy at all, juggling between making sure the kids are okay and keeping the house clean while also providing food on the table.
I can see while it would be impossible to still keep up with your own hobbies. One aspect has to be given up.
I admire you for doing that for your family.
I've always wondered just how much of myself I would be willing to sacrifice in the event that I had kids and got married.
Right now I'm grateful that I am still single and that I don't need to consider the thoughts of another person before making certain decisions for myself. And deep down I am not ready to give that up.
I sometimes wonder if my selfishness might spill into my marriage and motherhood. I hope I eventually find a way to balance it all out because I certainly don't want to lose myself in service to my family.
And don't get me wrong, I think it's great that I get to serve them in a wholesome way that a wife and a mom would, but I also don't want to get carried away by doing that.
Is it possible to strike a balance between the two?
There are times when I think that might be nice, but I know how lonely my sister has been at times without a partner (although she was also a single mother). I also love being a mother, even with all the hard times. I met my husband at 17, so I've never really been able to experience what being single would be like as an adult and can only imagine it being lonely. Perhaps we both imagine the other side to be harder than we think. You make of life what it deals you after all. I believe you would bring your own experience to a marriage and motherhood.
I think some people do strike a balance, but it becomes a hectic lifestyle and I don't handle hectic very well. Yet some love it like that and handle it very well.
I'd like to blame parenthood for my present condition, but I was onboard the atrophy train long before they arrived. Fletch gave me these greys, but everything else is at my feet. Probably. Haven't seen my feet for a while.
🤣 I'm not entirely sure feet are the prettiest things to be looking at anyway. I'm certainly never impressed with mine.
I'm guessing you have no regrets about parenthood at least, even if the v second one gave you greys. How's that beard going?
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You honors us by making us partakers of her mundology and her life experiences, to reflect and enrich the discursive transit in collectivity, by exalting the inner richness. On this occasion, with epistemic depth, he brings us to the cavil to exercise our gaze with perspective. And the fact is that we evolve assiduously, as well as our thoughts, decisions and actions. It is in this retro and prospective discourse that we may regret some event or situation that has occurred in our lives. However, it is peremptory to consider that what happened is what allows us to be what we are now. Having refined our priorities in life and in unison flowing in harmony and synchrony with them, assists us in facilitating states of satisfaction and enjoyment in completion with our selfhood, with our loved ones and with our fellow human beings.
We thank you for your participation in our community, providing reflective value, our gratitude. Health and well-being to you and yours !LUV !LADY
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Yes, we are certainly the sum of our experiences, so to regret them is to regret the person you've become.
Sometimes I get scared to even get old, i know growth is a sign of moving forward but how really does it feel
When I was younger I used to get a bit scared about it too, but as you age you don't really feel any different, at least not on the inside. As long a you stay healthy and active you don't have many issues in your body either. I think it's really down to how you view it as to whether it becomes a bad thing or not.
Hmmm so therefore it's your mindset then
I think so. I actually wrote something about this topic a few months ago:
https://peakd.com/hive-106316/@minismallholding/mind-over-matter-choosing-how-you-age
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When I actually hear about some people experience about parenthood, I am always afraid of my own experience about parenthood
Everyone's experience of parenthood will be different, so we can't make presumptions about our own until we experience it ourselves. We can only use other's experiences as a tool to guide us in how we want to be as a parent ourselves. Even then, we will change and adapt through our own journey as we find what works for us and our children. We also gain an understanding of why our own parents did what they did when raising us. 😆
Are you a parent yet yourself?