Inside The Mind of a Self-Loathing Person

Low self-esteem, anorexic tendencies, guilt, the feeling of inadequacy, - I seemed to tick all the items under the self-loath checklist. The self-help section are piled up with so many books on self-love and confidence and even if they all make total sense, my brain doesn't have a switch button to just snap me out of my thinking frame.

The truth is, self-loathing did not rule over my thought process 24/7. I could still function and socialize like everyone else but I could remember living each day with regular dose of self-contempt. They are more like episodes triggered by either external factors or just merely self-imposed toxicity.

A seemingly inconsequential event can crank up my brain to enumerate all the things I hate about myself. These thoughts could keep me still on my bed for hours in the morning absolutely dispassionate about things that used to excite me. The thing about self-loathing is that they don't have to make sense - that's why it's so hard to acknowledge it's a problem, much more opening up to someone else. Mind you, I wasn't so bad myself- I used to get compliments about being smart, hardworking, pretty, fit -but these were just validations that give fleeting sense of self-worth. At the end of the day, I still saw myself defeated by self-loathing.

What are the voices in my head?

"If only we could switch lives"

Have you ever met that someone whose genes are just naturally fashioned to possess the talents and attributes you wish you had as if she was born to live your ideal life? Isn't she annoying?

Even if you're my close friend or my cousin, you are not safe from being a subject of my envy. The earliest memory I had about this feeling was when I wished I had my cousin's face. She was always admired for being pretty. I grew up seeing her on the spotlight - at the school we used to go together, at family gatherings and among our common friends. She was getting attention and I wasn't - that's when I first had the feeling of discontent about my physical appearance.

"I don't have what it takes...I'll probably just embarrass myself"

Going back to how I grew up behind the spotlight as I watch my cousin being admired for her physical attributes, I was always told by my mom stuff like "she's pretty, but you are smarter". I knew she meant well, but it gave birth to an unhealthy bedrock for self-worth. From then on I thought that I have be on the honor list and keep my straight A's because otherwise I'm worthless.

I graduated valedictorian in Elementary and was in high honors in High School (with a sharp pain in the heart for not making it to Top 1). I held on to the thought that I am smart until Chemical Engineering hit me a hard jab on the face. Suddenly, I was surrounded by smarter friends at Uni while there I was, struggling just to get an average grade in Thermodynamics. I realized, "hey, maybe I really am not smart...OH FUCK."

_{My College Inner Circle - Also the smartest people I know}

The feeling of inadequacy hit me hard when I was in college. I tried, but never made it to the dean's list. I tried to redeem myself by topping the National Board Exam - still, I failed. I finished my degree and acquired my professional license unable to tame the inner voice that tells me I am not enough"

"I can never get things done"

I overworked and I was very hungry for achievement as soon as I graduated. It was an all or nothing way of thinking for me - "I will succeed in this or I'll be a total loser forever".

The desire to achieve things was not a problem - but what drives my endeavors was. Instead of genuinely enjoy what I do, I was working hard because of intense internal pressure I imposed upon myself. It was an attempt to compensate my perceived inadequacy. The Result? I never get things done which then intensifies my self-loathing. It was a downward spiral to blackhole.

"I need to lose more weight"

_{The peak of my anorexic phase - also my skinniest self(at 46 kg) but still thought I was fat... WTF}

My droopy eyes, my round face, my flat ass, -there's nothing I can do about the features I hated about myself. But hey, at least I can work on my body, right?. I started working out and watched for my diet but took a very unhealthy path. I did cardio for 3 hours, 6 times a day and was eating under 900 calories. I lost a lot of weight and some friends started to freak out - I never listened. I could remember being 46 kg (I'm currently 54-ish kilos) and still think I was fat. I ended up having difficulty to focus, I developed insomnia and frequent mood swings caused by my messed-up hormones.

Moving Forward....

The fact that I can now acknowledge how self-loath is manifested in my thought processes and how I carried it with me throughout my life tells me that I am in a better place now. There is still a constant battle in overcoming these tendencies, but somehow, it isn't as bad as it used to be. Perhaps I matured over time and I started to accept my self. I couldn't identify a single solution that snapped me out of this problem. It was a combination of my desire to be better, learning from people who know better and getting help from my love ones.

I accepted I have a problem

My Transport Phenomena professor used to say "A properly defined problem, is a problem half solved". This is true in every engineering exam. It's easy to size a pipe when you make the right assumptions, you identified the resistance of flow, you have a good picture of the current set-up and you know what is the desired outcome. However in real life practice, another truth unfolds- you can never improve an underperforming piping system if you don't recognize that it needs resizing in the first place.

closeup-view-cylindrical-grinder-industrial-concept_181624-17731.jpg

_{"Minor" issues in piping system can just be tip of an iceberg and ignoring them can lead to a terrible disaster

[Image from Depositphotos.com]}

It's hard to make sense of the distorted image that I have painted upon myself when I hear other people saying otherwise. Perhaps it's also because I tend to deal with matters all by myself instead of reaching out to others. That's why it was so hard to be honest to myself.

Sometimes, we need to open up and allow others to see things for us, only then we can realize that we have a problem. When this problem is pointed out to us through whatever means, understand that it does not define us, and like other problems, it can be solved.

The Cliché : Stop Comparing Yourself to others

As cliché as it sounds, it's pretty damn solid. The shitty news in life is that we can't choose where we are born, our parents, our genetic make up and the people we are surrounded with as a child.

Looking back to my childhood, I didn't have low self esteem. I was confident back then -even thought I can be "anything I want to be". I believed my mom when she said I'm pretty. I realized, I never really ever compared my self to anyone until someone did - and this was the pilot episode of a life time series of insecurities and envy towards others.

I started looking myself as flawed because some else decided that I am. This is not to transfer blame to others but it gave me a better perspective of how I developed this habit of comparing myself to others. It's helpful to take grip of the idea that my insecurities isn't something I was born with and thus something I can totally live without. I was born with imperfections, but not with self-loathing. I have to coexist with people, I cannot just shut everyone down just because they threaten my self-esteem.

I still compare myself with others. But I am more aware of my feelings and I learned to challenge my thoughts. I started asking myself how I can emulate a successful person's positive behaviors and habits than just feeling envious and not do anything about it.

I had to be honest with myself

Contrary to common advice, positive self-talk never worked for me. I found it hard to believe self pep-talks like "You can do it" or, "you have what it takes". A positive mantra never muted the negative voices.

But here's a thing, I trust in data - data don't lie. A data-driven approach to improving my self-esteem worked well for me. How can I convince my self that I have what it takes to compete in an Aerial Sports competition? How can I be confident that I won't screw up? Well, how many hours did I spend practicing? Out of X number of practice runs, how many times did I nail it? This information gives me confidence and thus improve my self-esteem. Identifying what it takes to achieve something and focusing on the efforts I put into it mutes that inner voices that tells me I can't do it.

This approach also lessens my tendency to blame myself or be guilty if I don't succeed. Instead of seeing myself as a mistake, I turn to questioning my methods and asking how I could improve them. Being honest to yourself is about stepping back, see things objectively, instead being ruled by emotions and distorted, predetermined self-image.

I stopped focusing on how I look

_{My pole sisters}

I was still in my anorexic phase when I discovered my love for pole dancing. I fell so in love with it that I wanted to improve so badly. The sport required power, strength and endurance- things that are impossible if I don't feed my body well. I focused on becoming stronger and becoming more flexible instead of just being in a certain weight. Because I starved my body for months, it's first reaction was to store up fat when I started eating. This initially freaked me out. But being surrounded by supportive women helped me deal with the changes that I saw in my body. When I started to see improvement in my skills from my hard work, I really started to accept and love my body and everything it can do.

_{Image from Knownware.com}

The truth about overcoming my self-loathing is that it isn't a straight line upwards. There are pullbacks, series of high's and low's even side ways trend where I think I can be no where better.

The way I know I am improving is that the voices in my head occur less frequently, I can manage my emotions better and I learned to challenge my negative thoughts as soon as they kick in.
In working to be our better selves, what's important is that we have "higher high's and higher low's". And if ever we stumble and towards a down trend, as long as we have "strong fundamentals"- that is, our desire to be better and solid support from our friends; we will still find our way upward.

How do you react with self-loathing voices in your head, if you have one? When was the last time you really started dealing on you self-issues? Let me know.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Anne Porter

_{I'm Catherine Anne - I love to be called by my two names but people are lazy so they call me Anne. I am a Chemical Engineer, Pole Dancer, Cosmetic Nerd and Crypto-Newbie squeezed into a five-foot-one human. I am excited to share pieces of my self to this community. I hope that you love this tiny space I occupy in Hive.}

_{If you think I deserve some lovin' please do upvote this post and leave a comment - I'd be very happy to read them. Follow me so I can annoy you more often. Love ya'}

It takes courage to open up about our self-loathing thoughts to anyone, much more to the internet. 💪
You're right that being aware of the problem is the right step. For me, it involved a lot of un-learning and learning to take back my self-worth.
I'll leave you with this excerpt from Emotional First Aid (by Guy Winch) that talks about why positive self-talk can backfire:

...positive affirmations are supposed to change how we feel about ourselves, whether they fall inside or outside the boundaries of our own self-concept is crucial to their effectives. When people with low-esteem are exposed to positive affirmations that differ too widely from their existing self-beliefs, the affirmation is perceived as untrue and rejected in its entirety and it actually strengthens their belief that the opposite is true. Recent research into the usefulness of positive affirmations has investigated these ideas and verified their potential in causing more harm than good.

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glecerioberto (72) 4 years ago (edited)

$0.00

anneporter (65) 4 years ago

YEah, it never really helped me. It made me more anxious. ahhaha

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juecoree (72) 4 years ago

Being aware of our self is the first step in understanding what we want in life. The same goes with self-loathing. We need to understand why we hate ourselves and reboot to start loving it back. This is an interesting read and it allow me to reflect on self-loathing. !discovery 30

Thank you. Reading this article over again made me sound like i had it easy...it was a tough journey. I'm grateful im in a better place

discovery-it (66) 4 years ago

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ybanezkim26 (76) 4 years ago

Low self-esteem, feeling inadequate, ...self-loathing. 😱 You're not alone. I always get compliments, but why do I feel those compliments were not true? I always consider myself to be not enough and will never be enough. Maybe ChE is to blame? Common denominator?

it played a factor - looking back I realized ChE wasn't THAT difficult. I mean it was...but the department kinda added some unnecessary pressure in it.
(haha ayg saba)

but i think daghan sa population nato sa che na gi define atong self worth sa ato academic success. -- as if ug mahagbong tag thermodynamics kay end na sa ato future - we're just gonna be homeless and eating dirt.

Truth! I always felt that the department made me grounded in a sense that no matter how I succeed in life, I will never be enough in their standards. 😂 It might take a long time to unlearn and flush out that kind of thinking, but I'm now slowly building a mental framework that's outside the grip of my college life.

Kalisud walaon sa idea na dili na ta college and we're already growing beyond the department. Like ingnon ka na "engineer pero nagblog2x". Samokan kaayo ko sa stigma over content creation as if it's inferior than ChE. Mura raba dako kaayo sweldo ig trabaho. 🙈

If we try to fit in sa chem E that their program designed...we will be obsolete.

Obsolete na jud. Mao na side hustle gyud. Grab that pole and twerk! 🙈

create account na dayun sa onlyfans kim. hahahha

If dili na lucrative ang Hive. 😂 Onlyfans na this.

victoriabsb (75) 4 years ago

Catherine Anne i loved this post so much your sincerity and what you have been going through and how you have overcome some of the stuff is inspiring for people maybe going through some of the same feelings.

i do believe we all go through self-loathing all the time, some just feel it more deep and intense than others, some just sink in it and never come back and some like you decided to not let it stop them from becoming who you want to be and try to improve your life.

btw how o earth not only you guys manage to do that dance poling thing that is hard enough but to do that on those heals omg girl!

hahaah Hi @victoriabsb yes we all have our own issues and at some point, we need introspection...

yes it varies so much in different people....I really believe we are all "broken" in our ways..

And Oh yes the heels. I live by the principle that - the higher the heel height, the closer you are to heaven.

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chinito (70) 3 years ago

Hi there Ms. Catherin Anne, kumusta?! I'm only now starting to try out hive and was very pleasantly surprised to see on on here and still pretty active. I don't know if I ever shared with u that I am bipolar, so I can relate to lots of the things u said in ur post. I got really interested to see the chart and thought u were gonna teach me when to buy or sell my stocks.. :P
ps. i was thinking it's funny how now YOU are the one experienced on here (hive/peakd) and will u help me now?

anneporter (65) 3 years ago

Welcome.back!!!

🙂😎 how's u? any trading?

Im great. NO trading. Just CHainlink Maximalist.