So many tings dat get mi angry and
So many tings dat get mi mad
So many tings dat get mi angry and
I gotta say
So many tings dat get mi angry and
So many tings dat get mi mad
So many tings dat get mi angry and
I gotta say..
Last week, I got mock angry with my husband. I mean, how many times can you hang a towel over the door instead of the hook and be asked not to and still do it? Let alone brushing your teeth too close to the bench so I have to wipe toothpaste it off it every day. 'Babe', he said. 'how many times do I have to pick your wet towels off the floor?'. So this week we've been very good at putting towels in the right spots, according to each other's whims. Anger at trivial things doesn't last long in our household. Our marriage is one of compromise and humour.
I'm not really an angry person.
Except I am.
Just try dealing with me when I'm outraged.
To me it's all connected to a deep sense of believing the world should be a just place.
But it's not. Most of us learn this the hard way. For me it was being bullied at school, a fact that still makes me feel a little queasy and anxious to this day. A few years back I had EMDSR therapy for it which helped enormously. It helped me go back to that time and identify exactly how I felt. It was a shock to me that what I felt was a deep, boiling, outraged anger. I had no idea. But as the therapist said, anger unexpressed often turns into frustration and anxiety and depression.
What I get really outraged about these days are bigger things than how to pack cutlery in the dishwasher or taking your shoes off when you walk in the house. As I write this post, I think how intrinsically linked these triggers are to bullying. It's when other living beings are taken advantage of, oppressed, brutalised, downtrodden, abused and not allowed to become their true selves.
And that can be anything.
It can be the 1 percent taking all for themselves whilst people starve. It can be men beating their wives. It can be governments oppressing their people. Banks taking exhorbirant fees and big institutions not paying taxes whilst we all work our fingers to the bone. Being fined and taxed for almost breathing these days. Monocultures and people trafficking and trolls and prejudice.
It's hard to name one thing that makes me angry, dear @ladiesofhive.
And anger festers, especially if it's not allowed to go anywhere, and you can't affect change just by being mad.
Not everyone's the kind husband hanging the towels right because it upsets you.
The only person that can do anything about sensations of anger - the tightening chest, the racing heart, the reddened face, the clenched hands - is me.
So where do I start?
Thing is, if I'm continuously trapped in these angry, outraged moments, I just create deep unhappiness for myself. I know someone like this - she's always so angry and ill and never happy. She doesn't feel she can rest until people stop behaving as they do. Most of the time she's terribly unhappy.
She's trying to change the world.
Anger can be a fantastic driver of change. It's not always a negative emotion. Respect for those who fight for the rights of others, that use their anger to create positive action in the world.
But if you can't affect change, or are not in the position to, what then?
I guess what I do is turn to the wisdoms I know to be true, like the importance of connecting with joy, love, beauty - all of which are present in nature, and thus in all of us, and the entire world. I look for reasons for people's behaviour and practice responding with compassion, as well practising self compassion.
It's hard work.
I wait for the sensations to calm down, trying not to identify with them. When you identify with a feeling, it tends to turn to stone and you carry it around with you. I put my hands on my heart and close my eyes and say: 'there, there, I recognise your feelings and it's okay to feel them, they're coming from a good place'.
And then I try to let it go. I know how damaging it can be to react in negative ways from a place of anger - whether it's self medicating, violence, suppressing, or trying to make others feel the same way to make yourself feel better. It's much better to feel it, recognise it, look deep into it's eyes and then let it pass.
“An emotion like anger that's an automatic response lasts just ninety seconds from the moment it's triggered until it runs its course. One and a half minutes, that's all. When it lasts any longer, which it usually does, it's because we've chosen to rekindle it.”
― Pema Chodron
Perhaps these actions are tiny ripples in a huge angry sea of humanity, whipped up by the storm of what it's doing to itself with corruption, greed, numbness, lack of compassion, self-centreness, ignorance and the trauma that's caused it all.
But what if we all were taught to respond in such a way?
“Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and failure to listen, I am committed to cultivating loving speech and compassionate listening to relieve suffering and promote reconciliation and peace in myself and among other people, ethnic and religious groups, and nations. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I am committed to speaking truthfully using words that inspire confidence, joy, and hope. I am determined not to speak when anger manifests in me. I will practice mindful breathing and walking to recognize and look deeply into my anger. I know that the roots of anger can be found in my wrong perceptions and lack of understanding of the suffering in myself and the other person. I will speak and listen in such a way as to help myself and the other person to transform suffering and see the way out of difficult situations. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain and not to utter words that can cause division or discord. I will practice diligently with joy and skillfulness so as to nourish my capacity for understanding, love, and inclusiveness, gradually transforming the anger, violence, and fear that lie deep in my consciousness.”
― Thích Nhất Hạnh, Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm
Maybe the world would be a different place.
This post was written in response to the prompt this week set by Ladies of Hive: 'We all have a different boiling point, some of us are easily angered, others are really cool tempered. Kindly share one thing that makes you angry, how long do you stay mad, and what or who can pacify you.'. I know it seems like I listed a few things but 'injustice' is really the root one of all of these!
With Love,
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There are many things indeed that makes our blood pressure shoot up, I can relate with you on the repetitive requests yet still happen time and time again :) One thing I noticed was that when I stopped requesting things to be where they should be, they seem to fall into their places. It amused me the first time but maybe it's just the way it is.
This is very true. And it's fantastic when we recognize and be able to do something about it. If not like you mentioned, turning into the wisdom of letting go is better...
This is so beautiful and so as the last paragraph that you've shared. Thank you :)
That last one is the best technique ever and I often recommend it to people. We carry a lot of self blame and shame... Which makes things worse!
Yes! The trick is to accept things as they are. It's a real skill! ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for sharing and I hope more will get to read and understand this. It's one of the things that most of us learn the hard way. It took me years to get it. Now I can only laugh at myself for all those times spent being resentful :)
I know right! If only we were taught it early on...
It's a great thing to teach the new gen :)
When I get angry, I write a letter to whoever I am angry at, but never send it, I just delete it. Must that ninety second rule in action, I never new it was a thing.
That's a great thing to do, I do the same!! Especially online. You can tell the people who don't use it as they DO click send! And end up creating more hatred and angst in the world.
This reminds me of a book written by Laura Huxley, wife of author Aldous Huxley, called You Are Not the Target. She gives great advice gained from her psychedelic experiences on how to avoid creating "ice cubes" that will dam the flow of experience. I liked it because her exercises are practical.
As an example, imagine the energy of something that made you really happy. A memory from your past. Try to relive that moment and how that positive energy made you feel. Laugh and smile if that's how the event made you feel. Next imagine something that made you extremely angry or sad. Try to feel the energy of that moment, the anger or sadness. Cry if you must. Go back and forth between these two extremes of emotion. Now imagine the energy of a mountain or the waves of the sea, which is neutral. This energy is neither positive or negative, emotionally speaking. It just is. After going back and forth between the positive and negative memories a few times, focus on the neutral energy of the mountain or the waves. If you do this exercise for a few weeks, then you will start doing it automatically in moments when you feel extreme emotion threatening to overwhelm your self. You will reach a neutral Zen-state of being that will allow you to remember that you are not the target.
Of course, you should keep a baseball bat handy, just in case you are. 😆
Have you ever done a yoga nidra? It follows this formula too. If we are sad, we understand happiness also exists in the world. I love this. Thankyou.
YES! THATS why we call these things 'practices' - the more we do it, the more automatic it becomes, and it becomes our default in times of stress. So it makes sense that those who have only practiced 'anger' only have that reaction. Imagine the world if we all practiced kindness and compassion! Wow!
Ahahah this made me laugh out loud. But it also validates that sometimes it's okay to lash out or explode ... It's not end of world and we can go back to our practice.
I have not done yoga nidra, but I'm not surprised they developed a technique along these lines. The yogis are very advanced in this department with a variety of techniques, and we're still catching up in the west. You're also right that it's good to blow off some steam once in a while, Viking style. :)
If you want to try one, there's many on the Insight timer app. I like Jennifer Piercy but you can find more traditional ones too. I was trained to teach or deliver it. The yogis were so advanced! They did do studies on your brain on yoga nidra and it's quite remarkable.
I'll check it out! There is so much we still don't know about how our brain operates.
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If only we could heal the world from all injustices, but sadly it's not to be!
...and I say 'snap'!
Beautifully written @riverflows!
Oh those toothpaste splashes...the empty toilet rolls...the empty ice cubes trays...all little irritations, but the injustices of this world really pushes up my BP!!!
Bullying causes lifelong damage, it is something that damaged my youngest son. I must look into the treatment you speak of, so thank you for sharing that here!
Bullies actually are nasty people with low self-esteem who pick on talented but sensitive souls! The sad thing is that there's not much a parent can do if it's happening at school, except make the educators aware of it, which I found was a waste of time, and the bullying only intensifies if one tackles the perpetrator!
Yes, let's rather speak words of kindness and try to bring out the goodnes!
Oh no, I hope your son gets some therapy for it. I wish I did a lot earlier. It's so damaging in your formative years.
That last photo is sublime! I really love that one! 💜
I like your treatise of this week's topic. I totally agree that the marginalizing of others is one of my biggest triggers of anger, too. And, it is even worse when it comes from someone who also feels marginalized — such as those who feel oppressed by government, big business, big pharma, but then turn around and malign others because of their race, religion, or gender. It's so hypocritical. 😠
Oh, that above idea from Thích Nhất Hạnh... we need more of that in this world! Bravo! 😊
Oh that hypocrisy is crazy, right?? That inability to either see where you've come from eg a marginalised race marginalising other migrants, or as you say, feeling oppressed by institutions and taking it out on others. But that's where bullies come from, right? It's when they've felt bad for being mistreated themseles and have to deflect it outwards.
Thích Nhất Hạnh had such beautiful, wise and perfect instructions for living a simple, mindful life - what a blessing he was for the world. I'd rather recite that than a national anthem! Why do we swear allegiance to the state and not to humanity as a whole and how we can serve each other and ourselves in more meaningful, compassionate ways?
Ugh.
Lovely to see you @kittygirl, I hope all is well in your world.