I am feeling a bit "something" today - not sick, not overly tired, not sad - just something. As you can see, I can't quite put my finger on the feeling and I have even less of a guess at the cause, but I am "affected". I have always been pretty reflective and have paid attention to my body, but since the stroke I think I have become even more so in the mental sense, where I have spent more time paying attention to the condition of my thoughts too.
When a bit of the brain dies, it isn't really conducive for improvements in thinking I assume, unless the bit that is taken out is a piece that is causing some kind of trouble. A stroke is like having an uncontrolled lobotomy, where some random piece of the brain is removed from the thought circulation.
And, since the brain is highly complex with a lot of parts performing clusters of actions, no two stroke patients are likely to be affected in an identical way. Of course, depending on where in the brain and the severity of the stroke it is possible to predict where the two might have overlaps, but it is not a perfect map of outcomes.
For me, it is in my cerebellum, which is an old part of the brain and therefore impacts on a lot of our fundamental abilities. For instance, it is largely responsible for keeping our balance, our motor skills, and judging distances. And, it is a key part in our timing, for instance being able to keep a beat. So perhaps that can be my excuse for my dancing. I definitely drop things more and have a lot more typos.
However, it plays other key functions pass the physical too, as it plays a significant role in our emotional condition and our decision making processes, which might be interrelated with our emotional position at the time of the decision too. I have noticed this affect a lot over the last couple years since the stroke, and I am not a better person for it. There is more variation in my emotions, less ability to control my emotions, and my ability to rationalize decisions is more difficult.
This last one is further hindered by an inability to automatically create images in my head based on environmental input, which means all of my visual thoughts need to be built from scratch and manually using the images I can recall at the time.
The phrase "nothing comes to mind" is salient for me.
And whilst this sounds like it means that manual creation makes everything more intentional, that is also not the case, as my brain is doing things in the background and generating a response, but it isn't always making it into my awareness before my body is reacting. This means that for instance, things come out of my mouth that I do not intend to say, but that are also meaningless thoughts that would be filtered out rapidly. They are not my opinions, they are not my hidden preferences, they are just random noise in the system - Voiced. Which sucks.
It sucks because if someone hears it, they naturally assume I meant it, as they probably don't understand the process that goes on in their own brain that stops them from voicing the noise of their own mind. Perhaps one example analogy might be where parent with multiple children and is suddenly upset by one of them, will run through all the names of the other children until they find the right one. Or, when tired and not being able to find the right word for something, but in reverse, where the wrong word is substituted, even though when voiced it is obviously the wrong word.
At least for me, this has been difficult.
I used to be relatively clear with my thoughts, visualize situations, concepts and implications rapidly into the current frame and potential implications on the future, and also have the right words at the right time. I even have some old articles that speak about some of these aspects and how I utilize them in my daily life to my advantage. And these things were part of my core skillset, my competitive advantage. Losing them has been decimating on my personal sense of self-worth, as I think we tend to identify ourselves with our strengths and weaknesses.
Talking/writing about these things helps though, as it allows me a chance to focus my attention on paying attention to the changed conditions and better understanding how the "new me" (new doesn't mean better) behaves in different circumstances and environments. Regardless of whether we have had a stroke or not, or any other kind of trauma, I do believe we would all benefit from reflecting on the conditions of our minds, bodies and emotions, in order to better understand ourselves and therefore, make more useful decisions on how we want to move forward.
This last bit is important for me, because if I don't take a step back, the (comparative) lack of emotional control and the effects it has on my decisions means that if I leave it up to my brain to decide unfiltered, a lot of the unwanted noise will be pushed through the system and out into the world, which is not what I want. Because, regardless of whether I can control it or not, it impacts on others and it will be me who pays the consequences, which are generally poor.
So, while spending some time writing this, I have come to terms with being out of sorts, even though I still don't know the cause of the disruption. It could just be noise in the system, or there might be some other underlying issue, but the writing has cleared away some of the emotional layers on top and freed up mental energy to better observe.
Just a random thought to finish.
I wonder what the result would be for couples if before an emotional argument, each went away and wrote about it all first. Would the relationship be better, or worse?
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
The term unsettled comes to mind as that is how I describe those feelings of dis-ease. There is nothing wrong, yet it is not right. It can disturb your thought processe/* for minutes, hours or days at a time. It is a good thing that writing centers your mind and clears away some of the fog. As you have always been such a great writer maybe just cling to that lifeline and write more and more. Don't worry over improper terminology too much, simply write.
I think your idea of couples writing out their feelings before an argument is a valid idea. That is if they had the presence of mind to break away and actually do it as. The 'new you' is just as good as the old you, just in a different way!
After the stroke, I was "out of body" (disconnected) for months, but this is something different. Will follow and see where it leads.
It would also make for an interesting reflection document of a life together I think. What we argue about, what feelings arise and how we think about it in the moment and afterward.
Yep - I am "different" :D
Most without taking a stroke or major reasoning in life, stop to take note of what really is affecting us whether emotional or physical. Only when the wheels literally fall off do we question what transpired.
Writing/Talking it helps many who have followed your path to acceptance to realize how much is taken for granted.
!LUV to you and the family.
@tarazkp, @joanstewart(5/10) sent LUV. | connect | community | HiveWiki | NFT | <>< daily
! help(no space) to get help on Hive. InfoThis is a lot of my argument about stress leave, as people seem to take the time off, but not spend it working out why or how to actually deal with it.
Stress levels are running rampant one really has to find ways of dealing with it in ones daily life.
We have never been offered stress leave, many suffer continuous work under pressure, then have nervous breakdowns which are scary to witness.
Depression and stress are two factors not being properly addressed at all by medical fraternity.
Man I wish you luck in keeping your mind's words out of your mouth. Sometimes my partner will hear me vocalizing words that I'm writing in an email or text. It is the damnedest thing.
It is worse when the words coming out are not even close to how I actually think on a subject! :D
I can only imagine how fearful I would be if I would uncontrollably say half the things I was thinking. Yikes!
Absolutely! This is very much like meditation. Although meditation is often thought of as simply practicing "not thinking", the more we practice it the more it becomes "observing our mind" in a objective way and seeing how it works, how it responds to things, how we react to it when we learn that we are not the mind in a very real sense. And as someone who has meditated for 20+ minutes everyday for the past 25 years, I am a big proponent of everyone doing it at least a little.
Isn't this basically what couple therapy does, forcing each person to think carefully about their emotional response and how it affects the other? That in mind, I think nearly all couples would benefit from it.
I have a magical (dark magic) ability after the stroke to "not think" on command, as that is my passive state. To think, I have to activate my mind - it is weird. I have used my writing as a form of meditation for sure - it gives me a chance to slow my thoughts enough to observe them and because I am trying to make them visual for others, I have to look from different perspectives. It is great!
Perhaps. But, why would we need therapy then? ;)
Greetings you are very brave to share your personal story. Overcoming adversity is what remains and adapting to the new way of life. To be able to evolve and live enjoying life a little more. Good for you to fight that disease, showing you that you are the one in charge. Smile to life and strength my friend. I loved reading you.
I don't think I am the one in charge, but I am trying to influence whoever is! :D
Although I cannot even imagine what you are going through, I value you sharing some of it with us, it seems to help you and it does help me better understand what you are going through.
Hope you find the best way to deal with your new 'you' as time goes on.
I think I also hope that while people are in different minds, they can reflect on their own experiences in some way and perhaps discover opportunities that help them too.
"New me" I think the more we get older the more we will say it as we notice the changes in our body.
Most of the changes aren't for good, at least, we don't see them as so, because they tend to be associated with losing something we valued.
I'm sorry about what you are currently experiencing. I've heard a lot of different stories about stroke patients, and a lot of them are not good. Brain degeneration has always been scary for me. Some say new pathways [neuroplasticity] can be made eventually, so I hope it gets better for you.
The majority of healing is done in the first 6 to 12 months. After that, not much will change for most people. It has been over two years for me and the only thing that is changing is me discovering new ways I am unable to think :D
Excellent question why in my case when I get angry I apply the law of silence to my partner and I wonder if it is a behavior of mine or learned because I remember that my mother did it with my father and my sister with her partner, I think that writing everything down would improve the relationship because we would express everything that deep down we think and to avoid more arguments we usually keep silent.
The silent treatment doesn't seem to help anyone, does it? Maybe problems just fester.
Natural-Health
We all know that feeling of watching life go by without being part of it, it happens to us at times and it is normal. Depersonalisation is a subjective experience characterised by an alteration in the person's habitual way of perceiving themselves and their body. It is the feeling, usually temporary, of “losing oneself”, feeling “different”, “strange” or “as if in a dream”. The person feels detached from the experience and becomes a witness to mental processes and bodily sensations that do not seem to be his or her own, as sometimes happens when dreaming. Moments of depersonalisation are relatively frequent in everyone in general. It is a passing and curious thing, like when we are tired and feel that we are doing things like automatons.
This isn't depersonalisation however, it is something different again. As said, it is hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it, and the fact is, not many (thankfully) will ever experience it in this way.
The result would have been better. Better yet, take a walk in the fresh air for half an hour separately from each other.
I am not sure if a walk is better in this example. There is something more impactful with putting thought into something concrete. A walk can help people think and calm down though.
Wow today is doctor inspired by hive eh
Thinking can not only be due to physical but also mental factors
thinking can not only come from oneself External things also affect it making stress do its thing 😔.
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You are an example of no disease can stop me from overcoming changes in my life. I admire you, sir, It has only been a week since I joined Hive, and I get to bump into your blogs and your words would always leave an impact on me. I learned different things while reading your blogs. I wish you well sir, please don't stop inspiring people like me who also want to be a new version of themselves. Also, regarding your question about couples before an emotional argument, I think it's better to be calm first and gather important points on how to solve an argument. In that way, couples would handle the conflict in a much calmer situation without having to regret what would come out of their mouths, until such point they would come up with a common ground.
It's the equinox and it's quite normal feeling strange of low-power these days. Eat healthy and rest well :D
In our yoga school we usually perform some purification techniques that are indicated in this period
Is it some sort of the therapy for the mind? I mean we feel much relaxed when we do this. Like writing about our own bad actions and the wrong actions leads to some of the really peaceful state afterwards. I can't say this works for all but kind of helps to most.
I actually feel that yhe way you share what you are going through with us will help you to focus on thinking about the solutions and people can even profer some solutions to you
At the same time, people get better when telling others what they are going through
Well, I have a diary. When I am too overcharged with anxiety due a discussion I write it down because I have noticed, being anxious and doing things while being anxious tend to make human stuff a little worse. So it helps me vent the excess so we can talk calmly and even lovingly about issues in search for a solution instead of someone to blame.
Dealing with stroke can be very hard, have seen thousands of peoples even close family members suffering from it, and i must say, its really some deadly disease. With a couple of positive thoughts and faith am sure you're fill whole again
Better... not worse in most cases I bet.
Like a Snow Flake no two strokes are alike.??
I guess that is an accurate way of describing it? Not really funny but true.
I hope it is just noise. We do not need anything troubling happening.