In 29 years of existence, I have realized that friendship should be easy. I learned this as my circle becomes smaller through the years. Gone were my younger years when I struggled to fit in, when I thought friends should share and uphold the same values, when to keep friends means hanging out everyday to the point that it suffocates me. Gone were the days when I struggle to keep a toxic friendship. After all, it’s okay to lose friends and it’s a blessing to gain new ones. Since these realizations, friendship has been healthy, easy, fun and effortless.
My idea of friendship was challenged when a very dear friend was faced with a major challenge in her life. For a moment, the feeling of helplessness dragged me to a downward spiral of depressing thoughts which affected different aspects of my life. Suddenly, it wasn't smooth sailing - it wasn't all fun and easy.
About Juli
I can probably write a book about all the amazing things about my friend, Juli. Her life as a gift to the people around her. She has changed my life more than she could probably understand. I have known her for only 5 years but I feel that I have known her for a lifetime – like a sister (since I never had one).
I first met her as my pole instructor. Our friendship grew as we spent more time with each other. She is a very active, bubbly and cool mom of three beautiful children. I always see her as a role model – she is not perfect of course, but who is?
She advocates self-care to her students especially to her fellow mothers. According to her, so you can take good care of others, you first have to take care of yourself, which I totally agree.
We share the same passion about Pole, fitness and about life in general. Her energy and enthusiasm is contagious.
The Big C
I have always known Juli as the “ strong, independent woman”. After knowing quite a handful of things about her and what she’s been through, I have established a vivid perception of her emotional strength. On top of that, it's worth mentioning the physical attributes that are very admirable about her: She is fit, healthy and always full of energy.
In the midst of the emotional whirlwind brought by the pandemic, a major news turned our worlds upside down. She was diagnosed with breast cancer. Seeing her, for the first time being emotionally devastated is just heart shattering.
At that point I could not imagine a Juli that is weakened by cancer. She has always been my superwoman. I started to ask the question most cancer patients or their loved ones often ask:
" Why Her? "
Well that was only the first. It was left unanswered before more questions soon followed. In addition to the physical toll, I know the emotional pain of the diagnosis is the biggest battle she has to go through.As a friend who care deeply for her, I shared a part of (and definitely not the entirety) of her suffering. As I walk along side with her in this journey, suddenly....
I started feeling ungrateful. I spent time reflecting if I even deserve the life that I live. After asking the question “Why Her?” it was then followed by, “What if it was me?”. I started reflecting about my past mistakes and how I am living my life now: “Do I even deserve this?” I started to feel ungrateful knowing that others are suffering.
I deprived my self the right to feel upset about "trivial" things. When I learned that my friend has cancer and knowing all the things that she will have to go through in this battle, for quite some time, I didn’t allow myself to be upset about anything. Suddenly, I feel that all my problems are not even worth worrying about –because “Hello? Shake that off! Someone is going through worse!”.
Suddenly, perhaps I got past my limit, and a minor upsetting situation just opened the flood gates of negative emotions. Depressing thoughts just kept following around me and lost energy and enthusiasm on things I used to care about.
This is the feeling that dominates the most. The feeling brings me back to a dream I had years ago where I had to suffer watching my friend drowning while we were at the beach. It felt terrible because I could not move as much as I wanted to, despite the fact that I can’t swim. I just watched him being swallowed by waves, feeling so helpless.
The initial response when we see a friend suffering or in pain is to relieve her out of the situation as much as possible – I wanted to do that so badly with my friend. However, dwelling with that desire just worsened the feeling of helplessness.
I found myself accepting workloads and responsibilities I would normally say “NO” to. When I find opportunities where I could be of any help, I took responsibility. It was my way of coping up with the feeling of having no control of the situation. This coping mechanism made matter worse because it distracted me from actually dealing with my emotions.
What a shitty mess of being human isn't?
But that’s good news for me. Afterall, I am indeed human. One day, the words of Juli resonated to me: “ If you can’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of others”. I knew I had to deal with the emotions I have so I can be a better friend for her. I cannot give her any emotional support if I myself is struggling to handle mine. Somehow, I did the following to manage my situation:
The words of Juli resonated to me “ If you can’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of others”.
I did my research. I’ve never read and learned this much about breast cancer until my friend was diagnosed with the disease. Cancer can be really scary but educating myself gave me a more objective perspective of the situation. It helped me focus on things that I CAN DO rather than dwell on the uncertainties of the disease.
We all need to feel needed. It feels good when someone needs us because it gives us a sense of significance. The "good feelings" could sometimes mask our own problems or "brokenness", which is not a bad thing. However, I personally think that it is selfish to help others for the sole intention of feeling good about yourself. The problem if you go overboard with self-serving intentions is that we can be prone to disregarding boundaries or our friend's feelings.
I can never solve Juli's problems. I can never relieve her out of the situation. But at some point I felt validated when she told me how much I made her feel better just by being there for her. For that moment, I felt good about myself.
But being the strong person the she is, there came a point when I felt that she don't need me to get through the day. At some point I felt sad about “not being needed” instead of being happy she is coping well. I later on realized that it’s about finding the balance between being “there” and knowing when to honor her emotional independence and be happy about it.
Remember that cancer is just a disease that she has to go through – she is not defined by it. She is still my friend after all and for sure, she wants to be treated the same. When I focused on that thought I felt comfortable again in conversations we used to have. Surprisingly, she is always willing to help me and listen to me like she always does – it’s as if cancer isn’t even there. It’s not denial but talking too much about it can be exhausting.
She still cares about the pain I feel on my butt after sitting for hours. She reminds me how I should mobilize my glute muscle to relieve the pain. The thought that “All my problems are not worth worrying about” was all in my mind after all. I should not have forgotten about her emotional strength.
Helplessness is normal – acknowledging this helped me move forward to focusing on the things I have control of. Any little help that I can do, somehow helped suppress the feeling of helplessness: I do errands for her, buy her vitamins, find a good movie when she seeks recommendation, help her choose her wigs – these small things matter for me, and for her.
Back in college, when I have a hard time catching up with so many deadlines all while dealing with the pressure of upcoming exam, I tend to overwork and spend unreasonable amount of energy and time to get through them. All while most of my classmates are asking help from each other, organizing study sessions or try to problems together in the blackboard during breaktime. When faced with stressful situation, I tend to deal with it all by myself instead of reaching out to others. It’s something about myself that I'm constantly working on.
The same thing happened when I faced with the emotional turmoil of helplessness towards my friend. However, when I started talking about it to others, all felt suddenly better. Trust me, it really helps getting it off your chest.
Don't be too harsh on your self.
If you ever find yourself in this situation, remember that your emotions are valid, especially if you genuinely care for your friend. But always remember that you cannot help her if you don’t look after yourself as well.
Cheers to good friends, and cheers to life
I am grateful for Juli because her strength inspired me. I am grateful for my friends and loved ones because they make things more bearable. Feeling helpless in these situations just shows how capable we are of loving and caring. It is just a reminder that we are, after all human and it’s so damn beautiful to be one.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Anne Porter
I'm Catherine Anne - I love to be called by my two names but people are lazy so they call me Anne. I am a Chemical Engineer, Pole Dancer, Cosmetic Nerd and Crypto-Newbie squeezed into a five-foot-one human. I am excited to share pieces of my self to this community. I hope that you love this tiny space I occupy in Hive.
If you think I deserve some lovin' please do upvote this post and leave a comment - I'd be very happy to read them. Follow me so I can annoy you more often. Love ya'
Please remember you can help your friend with knowledge. This will help you feel less powerless. If she doesn't already know, please teach her how cannabinoids treat not only the symptoms of cancer, and the side-effects of the conventional cancer treatments, but also CURES most types of cancer, including hard to treat breast cancers that don't respond to chemotherapy or radiation. <3
From what you have shared in your post, she is a good friend. Sad to hear her predicament. I knew that you would cheer her up. It is always better to have someone at her side when things go awry. !LUV !PIZZA !discovery 35
She is a wonderful person. We all have that amazing friend we hold very close to our hearts.
$PIZZA@anneporter! I sent you a slice of on behalf of @juecoree.
Learn more about $PIZZA Token at hive.pizza
The post almost made me cry ha. We've talked about this in our DMs especially the depriving yourself to feel sad about trivial things part, but it's good that you have finally let your thoughts out. Love you momsh ❤️ and nay Juli is blessed to have a friend like you ❤️
you know @proteancreator ikaw ako friend pasabot besides Jan...hehe always grateful for my therapy sessions with you hahaha. Yes we share the same love and support for Juli
Hi @anneporter, you were just shared some LUV thanks to @juecoree. Holding 10 LUV in your wallet enables you to give up to 3 LUV per day, for free. See the LUV in your wallet at https://hive-engine.com or learn about LUV at https://peakd.com/@luvshares https://ipfs.io/ipfs/QmUptF5k64xBvsQ9B6MjZo1dc2JwvXTWjWJAnyMCtWZxqM
thank you
This post was shared and voted inside the discord by the curators team of discovery-it
Join our community! hive-193212
Discovery-it is also a Witness, vote for us here
Delegate to us for passive income. Check our 80% fee-back Program
I'm sorry to hear about your friend's diagnosis.
In August my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 NSCLC with spread to his brain and lymph nodes.
We also did a lot of research and while he has undergone traditional treatments we also added some natural and off label drugs.
His last scans were clear.
I strongly recommend reading and considering this book.
We also felt helpless, until we mapped his cancer and came up with a plan to fight.
Sending healing energy and best wishes, your friend has a great friend for support.
Wow! Thank you I will definitely look this up. I really appreciate it.
.
Great friendship, @anneporter.
I'm sure you're gonna do your best to help her.
I am sure she's going to do her best too. she's a fighter
More power to you and your friend. Life can get nasty sometimes and in these moments you need support from family and friends.
cancer can weaken even the strongest heart...but she always have been a fighter.
Hi. We've never met, but I had to comment.
If she's a great friend, you seem to be greater, for carrying and loving her in the most difficult of the times; friendship like that is rare. She's gonna have to go through, and I'm sure she'll recover. All prayers for you and Julie.
She will recover...i pray for that everyday. I know there's a light...at the end of the tunnel...tho its going to be a long one.....but we will get there..
What a story! Very inspiring to read about the friendship between the two of you, thanks for sharing! I wish her a lot of health and power to fight with this!
Thank you. We all.have that friend we hold the dearest.
I wish you good health too!
Well, I know all people are very different, but let me add something from the opposite side.
I had oncological desease and I stopped talking with almost all of my friend or reduced them to minimum, because I hated that glance with a pity, like they were trying to say good buy to me, and felt sorry for me. And I didn't have any intention to die, especcially that I had very big statistical chances (95% in particular and I said it to all of them, but they still looked at me with that terrible glance).
So I was restricted to communicating just with others in the hospital. Because there I felt normal, and it was just a period when I need to take medicines and treatment, and it was finished like any other temporary problem.
Wow. I really appreciate this. I understand your point of view ..tho i will never have a full grasp of how it felt like when you were in that situation. I was very careful not to make her feel that i pity her- i never felt that.
I had a hard time figuring out too how to reach out bec as u said, i didnt know if she wants to be alone or she wants me around..but i still chose to reach out-coz how else would i know? What was on my mind was that....if she shuts her self from me...there will be a pain of rejection but i was willing to take that chance. REjection is bearable that the thought of never trying to reach out as a friend when she needs one.
Your genuine friendship, compassion and love is what matters most.
If you're interested in finding out more about cancer from an alternative point of view, I highly suggest you look into Ty Bollinger's The Truth About Cancer website. He provides tons of free material, interviews with medical doctors and tips on how to treat cancer. You can find out more here: https://thetruthaboutcancer.com/
Furthermore, you could watch the movie "The C Word" (2016). It's a very good documentary about cancer. The movie follows the journey of 2 people fighting cancer. One of the characters is a 38 year old woman diagnosed with breast cancer.
I will.definitely take a look! So.thoughtful of u. I really appreciate that. Thank you
Congratulations @anneporter! You have completed the following achievement on the Hive blockchain and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :
Your next target is to reach 90 posts.
You can view your badges on your board and compare yourself to others in the Ranking
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word
STOPSupport the HiveBuzz project. Vote for our proposal!
What a blessing to have a friendship like that, like yours. Despite the frustration you feel when you know that a loved one is suffering, one must be strong and supportive, because the person who is suffering from the disease does not want to feel guilty also for the suffering of their loved ones. Thank you for helping your friend and being her support. I sincerely hope that all people with cancer win the battle.
I pray everyday for her strength
.
Body, mind and heart
This post has really inspired me. So sorry about your friends ailment. Thanks to God that she has someone like you by her side to cheer her up.
Thank you. It reminds us always to be grateful for our lives and for our amazing friends!
It's quite unfortunate that people we love pass through difficult times, most times life-threatening issues and it is more disheartening when we can't do anything to help them
Yes...her strength inspires me. Sometimes our strength shines in most difficult times
Saludos @anneporter, no puedo imaginar lo que sentiste al enterarte de ese diagnóstico, espero Juli mejore y nunca pierda su luz que la hace tan característica, fuerza!
Greetings @anneporter, I can't imagine what you felt when you found out about that diagnosis, I hope Juli gets better and never loses her light that makes her so characteristic, strength!
Thank you for your sweet words @valthy. Juli is one of the strongest person I know. I know she'll make it. There will be ups and downs for sure...but she will make it...we will
El cancer es una terrible enfermedad, si es diagnosticada a tiempo puede ser tratada y reducida, hasta llegar a eliminarlo por completo. Dios no le pone pruebas a quien no pueda enfrentarla y superarla, y por lo que leí tu amiga es toda una guerrera y sabe como enfrentar la vida, además cuenta con personas maravillosas como tú para apoyarla, te felicito por ser excelente amiga y acompañarla por este camino que le ha tocado enfrentar. Dios te llene de fortaleza para que puedas transmitirle a ella esa buena vibra que siempre ella te ha reflejado. Aunque hicistes que se me hiciera un nudo en la garganta, me agrado leerte. Bendiciones.
Cancer is a terrible disease, if it is diagnosed early it can be treated and reduced, until it is completely eliminated. God does not put tests on those who cannot face it and overcome it, and from what I read your friend is a true warrior and knows how to face life, she also has wonderful people like you to support her, I congratulate you for being an excellent friend and accompanying her for this path that he has had to face. God fill you with strength so that you can transmit to her that good vibe that she has always reflected on you. Even though you made my throat lump, I like to read you. Blessings.
Hehe sorry for that throat lump.
Take care!
La verdad es un excelente post. muy instructivo, por el sentimiento predispuesto, gracias por compartir, te dejo mi voto y te sigo.
.