“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
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“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably s***.” – Stephen K. Amos
“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs’.” – Mitch Hedberg
We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.” – Richard Lewis
My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” – Phil Wang
If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.'” – Eddie Izzard
“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe
“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe
“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” – Rob Beckett
A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert
“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” – Mark Watson