"...The sound of his heart beating was heard in stereo like whiplashes that echoed in the room where Orlando and I were. His pupils had opened up like flying saucers, ethereal in the face of the evidence that I showed him. I couldn't help but smile when I saw the terror in my interlocutor. So much time avoiding this poisonous being, all the patience I had seemed to evaporate in the moment I faced him and he had nowhere to run".
-Or at least that's what I thought at the time, lawyer, because what happened after I showed him the complaint paper, I still can't explain it to myself. What did the paper say? You must assume it, because that's why we're sitting here talking in this visiting room. But alright, he asked for details... Listen to how the story continued, but at no point should you feel sorry for this man, Orlando is nothing but a fraud, a liar who, with his wiles, manages to escape from any situation. That's how I remember the dialogue:
-"You can't avoid me anymore, Orlando, I've given you all the opportunities to come to me so you can tell me the truth, but it's time to clear this up".
-"Ernesto! What are you doing here!? I was just going to call you. What is that paper!?"
-"The bills that have come out from my account, Orlando, you know it well!"
-"But brother, are you having problems with your accounts?"
-"Shut up, Orlando! Now I'm your brother!? Where have you been all this time since our father died?"
-"I've felt very bad, Ernesto, I've had a very hard time"- When he said this, his face changed dramatically to a sadness that was more false than his life.
-"I've also felt bad, but I haven't disappeared like you have, and now I find you in this gambling house. Now I see how you've been spending our father's money".
-Money is the least of it! My life has no meaning, Ernesto! I'm 46 years old and what do I have?! Nothing!!! My life is miserable!!!"- Ha, ha, ha! Here was Shakespeare himself speaking through my brother, right?
-"If you need money, why didn't you talk to me before?"
-"So that Mister Perfect could have the pleasure?! No way! The only thing that bound us was our father and now that he's dead I don't have to put up with your arrogance anymore. In fact, I confess! It was very easy to get into your account and spend the money that our father so unjustly gave you. Your passwords have been the same since we were in college, Ernesto".
-"Has need made you steal!?"- I was stunned by my brother's confession. I never imagined that he was capable of that. Suddenly, I felt sorry for him.
-"How much do you need to pay your debts, Orlando?"
-"Get out! I don't need anything from you! And let it be known that I didn't steal from you! That money is part of what our father gave you in inheritance, you greedy bastard!"
And that was his response, Mr. Lawyer. Now that you know the whole story, you must understand that my brother should not go to prison because of his debts. He's a miserable liar, but I would like to help him, pay his bail and his pending debts. Anonymously, of course. There's no need for him to know that he was helped by his brother, the one he's so jealous of. You know something, that's the worst feeling, and among family it's the ugliest thing there is. But I would help my brother a thousand times over, even if he never spoke to me again.
Ha, ha, ha! You know what?, this whole interview is making me laugh now. Ha, ha, ha! Excuse me, excuse me, lawyer. It's just that when I started my story, I told you about the look of terror in Orlando's eyes and how I heard my twin brother's heart beating so hard, just like when we were little and I caught him doing something bad... Ha, ha, ha! It's not easy being the older brother and having to raise him! You understand me, lawyer. Ha, ha, ha! Those were the times!.
-Take care! I hope to hear from you soon, lawyer!
ESOS ERAN LOS TIEMPOS
"...El sonido del palpitar de su corazón se escuchaba en estéreo como latigazos que retumbaban en la habitación donde nos encontrábamos Orlando y yo. Sus pupilas se habían abierto como platillos voladores, etéreos ante la evidencia que le mostraba. No pude evitar la sonrisa que escapó de mis labios al observar el terror en mi interlocutor. Tanto tiempo evitándome este ponzoñoso ser, que toda la paciencia que había tenido pareció evaporarse en el momento que le hice frente y no tuvo donde huir".
-O eso pensaba en ese momento, abogado, porque lo que sucedió después que le mostrara el papel denunciante aún no me lo explico. ¿Que qué decía el papel? Debe suponerlo usted, pues por algo estamos sentados conversando aquí en esta sala de visitas. Pero de acuerdo, me pidió lujo de detalles... Escuche como continuó la historia, pero en ningún momento debe sentir compasión por este hombre, Orlando no es otra cosa que un embaucador, un mentiroso que con sus ardides logra escabullirse de cualquier situación. Así recuerdo el diálogo:
-"Ya no puedes evitarme, Orlando, te he dado todas las oportunidades de venir a mí para que me cuentes la verdad, pero es el momento de aclarar esto".
-"¡Ernesto! ¿¡Qué haces aquí!? Justo te iba a llamar. ¿¡Qué es ese papel!?"
-"Las facturas que han salido desde mi cuenta, Orlando, ¡lo sabes bien!"
-"Pero hermano, ¿estás teniendo problemas con tus cuentas?"
-"¡Calla, Orlando! ¿¡Ahora soy tu hermano!? ¿Dónde has estado todo este tiempo desde que murió nuestro padre?"
-"Me he sentido muy mal, Ernesto, lo he pasado muy mal"- Al decir esto su rostro cambió teatralmente a una tristeza más falsa que su vida.
-"Yo también me he sentido mal, pero no he desaparecido como lo has hecho tú, y ahora te encuentro en esta casa de apuestas. Ya veo en qué has estado gastando el dinero de mi padre".
-¡El dinero es lo de menos! ¡Mi vida no tiene sentido, Ernesto! ¿¡Tengo 46 años y qué tengo?! ¡¡¡Nada!!! ¡¡¡Mi vida es miserable!!!"- ¡Ja, ja, ja! Aquí era el mismísimo Shakespeare hablando en boca de mi hermano, ¿cierto?
-"¡Estás así porque quieres, no te victimices! Explícame por qué están saliendo gastos ahora desde mi cuenta a tu dirección, ¿quién te dio acceso a ellas?".
-"Claro, como siempre fuiste el favorito, obvio que mi padre dejó la mayor parte de su herencia al perfecto Ernesto, el hijo impecable y exitoso".
-"¿¡Qué dices, Orlando!? ¡Calla y explícame esto!".
-"¡Que tengo deudas, Ernesto! ¡No ves que ando sin rumbo! ¡No tengo dinero ni para comer! ¡Y necesito pagar la hipoteca de la casa!"
-"Pero si es dinero lo que necesitas ¿por qué no me hablaste antes?"
-"¡¿Y darle el gusto al Mister Perfecto?! !No, qué va! Lo único que nos unía era nuestro padre y ahora que murió no tengo que aguantar más tu arrogancia. ¡Es más! ¡Lo confieso! Fue muy fácil entrar a tu cuenta y gastar el dinero que injustamente te dio mi padre. Tus contraseñas son las mismas desde que estábamos en la universidad, Ernesto".
-"¿¡La necesidad te ha hecho robar!?"- quedé atónito ante la confesión de mi hermano. Jamás imaginé que él fuera capaz de eso. De pronto, sentí pena por él.
-"¿Cuánto necesitas para pagar tus deudas, Orlando?"
-"!Vete! !No necesito nada de ti! ¡Y que conste que no te robé! Ese dinero entra en la parte que mi padre te dio de más, ¡descarado!"
Y esa fue su respuesta, señor abogado. Ahora que conoce toda la historia, debe comprender que mi hermano no debe ir a prisión por sus deudas. Es un desgraciado mentiroso, pero me gustaría ayudarlo, pagar su fianza y sus pendientes. Anónimamente, claro. No hay necesidad de que él sepa que fue ayudado por su hermano al que le tiene tanta envidia. Sabe algo, ese es el peor sentimiento, y entre familia es lo más feo que existe. Pero yo ayudaría a mi hermano una y mil veces, aun cuando no me hable más.
¡Ja,ja, ja! ¿¡Sabe qué!?, toda esta entrevista me da ahora mucha gracia. ¡Ja,ja, ja! Disculpe, disculpe, abogado. Es que cuando comencé mi historia le conté sobre la mirada de terror que tuvieron los ojos de Orlando y que escuché el corazón gemelo de mi hermano latir con tal fuerza como cuando éramos chiquitos y le pillaba haciendo algo mal... ¡Ja, ja, ja! No es fácil ser el hermano mayor y tener que educar! Usted me entiende, abogado ¡Ja, ja, ja! ¡Esos tiempos eran los tiempos!.
-¡Hasta pronto! ¡Espero noticias suyas, abogado!
Thanks for reading! 🙌
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Text by the author, @garorant.
Cover image from Дмитрий Хрусталев-Григорьев in Unsplash
Translated and formatted with Hive Translator by @noakmilo.
All rights reserved ©, 2023.
You use this reflective monologue to good effect to show Ernesto's thought progression, reflection and subsequent change of heart from the start to the end of the story, however there is some imbalance in its presentation as it is wholly reliant on a monologue recounting of a conversation between two brothers. It needs some action and narration to develop the story further, to provide a good setting to place the characters in a space that the reader can imagine and relate to, and give the reader some insight into the background of the conflicts that underpin this jealousy between the two brothers. There are some easy grammar fixes that could also be implemented to elevate your story.
Did you know we have some great resources to help our community members develop their writing skills?
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I highly appreciate these observations on my writing! This is the best thing of the community! I think you are right, the scenario and the presentation of the subject could have been better and nicer to the reader. However, the starting parragraph I tried to create firsts strong lines to hook the spectator all over the text. The change of point of view I understand can be misleading, I'll recheck those linked posts you suggested me and hope to get better with practice. Thanks so much! 😁
!PIZZA
I certainly read this text since you published it and I left it pending to comment, oh... but I don't know, life got complicated for me. I agree with the recommendations made to you. These are very good. I also felt like you could exploit this jealousy conflict between the two brothers.
However, your writing is very good. You know I like reading you.
Sorry for the delay...
Well, no rush! Thanks for steping by! It's never too late, as the saying goes 😉
Sigue, contacta y se parte del testigo en: // Follow, contact and be part of the witness in:
Keychan -Hive.blog / https://wallet.hive.blog/~witnesses - Ecency - Peakd
Hecho! Gracias por leerme y votarme!
Coincido totalmente en la afirmación: La envidia es uno de los peores sentimientos que pueda existir dentro de la familia.
Excelente tu escrito @garorant .
Un abrazo!
!PIZZA
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Muchas gracias a ti por leer! Bueno saber que coincides con la opinión de uno de los personajes.
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