It is 3:00 am and I can finally hear Brian, the love of my life, breathing normal; regular, steady, clean breathing. And I am beyond relieved because a few hours ago, through snot and tears, I was telling him to go, that is was ok to leave me, that it was ok to die.
Let me take you back a few hours, when his first of four seizures began today. Yes, the first of four. The first one came immediately upon returning from a beautiful walk together. He started to feel it coming; the waves of pain at the back of his head, the dizziness, and lightheaded feeling that creeps up before the storm strikes. Walking up our winding staircase to our apartment, I thought it was going to happen right there on the stairs. Because it's happened like that before; me trying to hold us both up, teetering on a stair where one slight slip, would send us both tumbling to, at the very least, a few broken bones and at the very worst, well, you can imagine.
We made it inside, on the bed, where the seizure immediately hit. The rigid body, arched back, screams of pain and then nothing. No movement. No pain. No breathing. Absolutely nothing. This is where I begin my count. Slowly, calmly, 1, 2, 3...to 20. Nothing. I began CPR and he jolted back to life, gasping for air after only two pumps on his chest. Relieved and thankful, we settled in to our regular routine; him resting or on his laptop, me on mine. Life as normal, except this is not normal at all.
The second seizure hit soon after, a repeat performance of the first, but this one lasted a little longer and was a little more harsh in every way possible. A few hours later, seizure number three came on, fast and furious, followed by number four...the worst one yet. The aftermath of number four led me to my pleas for the love of my life to leave me. He returned to me groggy, slightly incoherent but still able to talk, and it was the words that he said that led me to believe that perhaps it really was time.
After a seizure, he is sometimes in what I call, the in between world and tonight, he stayed there for longer than usual. His eyes were closed, and his face was completely relaxed, feeling no pain whatsoever, and he smiled. I asked him why he was smiling and he said, It's Akila. I asked him who Akila was and he said it was his Husky. He also said that Max, Forte and Cinnamon were there too and they said to him that they could carry him over the bridge. I thought I knew everything there was to know about Brian, but I found out later, that in fact he had a Husky named Akila when he was a small boy and the others were dogs from his and our adult life. During our in between conversation, I asked him why he couldn't go with the dogs and he said that once he stepped on the grass and onto the bridge, he wouldn't be able to return to me. He then looked up towards the ceiling in our apartment and smiled. I of course asked what animal was there now and he said, No, it's mom and dad. He reached his arm off the bed and said that his mom wanted to hold his hand and she asked him to walk with her. He held it there for a few seconds then frowned, dropped his hand back on the bed, and said, mom's mad at me. She says I have to stop fighting so hard. I can't win every fight. But dad says that I should do what I have to do.
Then he began to cry and through ragged tears managed, I can't leave you yet. I'm just not ready.
Right then and there I made a selfless decision to let him go. To not beg for him to come back to me. I saw the peacefulness on his face, the painless, crease less, beautiful face and I knew that his mom and dad and our dogs were on the other side, waiting patiently to take care of him for me. And I had to let him go.
But the thing is, he's not ready to leave me.
So I sit here and I listen to his breathing, hoping that it continues, wondering if he'd be better off if it didn't, wishing he wasn't also so selfless to be concerned about me when he is going through such hell every single day of his life. It's an impossible situation, and it's one I have to release control of. Whatever is going to happen will happen, but I truly take solace in the fact that when the time is right, he will be going to a wonderful pain free existence, with loved ones, human and canine alike.
This I believe with all of my heart and soul.
Proud Member of :
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the whole Italian community is close to you in this moment @lynncoyle1 ...
Thank you so very much @thenightflier, and to the entire Italian community. I had no idea that even existed, so I appreciate you coming by so very much!
My girl. I am so sorry for last night and all you witnessed. I know we made a pact that I would die on my terms and not under some white sheets in a hospital. I love you and your strength always amazes me. LOve you more each day.....
Ah baby, I'll keep going as long as you do because it's your strength that amazes !
I love you more :)
Agree with you there..not under some white sheets in a hospital.
Thank you @immarojas. The way we are doing it seems much more full of life, instead of waiting for death. I appreciate your support and understanding very much.
You're welcome. Not when u want it, it seems. Just be ready.
You are strong..we are rooting behind you.
Thank you again; your words touch my heart!
Chin up @lynncoyle
wow. i dropped to tears. Love is truly stronger than anything else. I believe you both can enjoy life without seizures. The power of love. i pray you get healed miraculously. Because this love you two share is beyond natural. You'll get better, i know. please don't leave her.
I fight to try andstay. Your words are beautiful
Strong words .. Be courageous and you will be good
Great post from you
Thanks for sharing
Thank you very much @slimanepro. I appreciate your kindess.
wow, this write-up is touching. Most times we need to stop being selfish and let go, no matter how painful, it may feel.
Thank you very much. Yes, I believe we must do what's right for the person suffering; it's selfless and it's what love is all about. Thank you again.
I don't have words, which as you know, is not a common thing for me, but I've got to put something here.
When I first saw your post, I seriously considered skipping it. I knew from the title where it was going to take me and I didn't want to go there.
But now I've read your post, and I'm exactly where I knew I would be—in tears, wishing there was something in my power that could just make this all go away—the cancer, the seizures, the hanging on, the need for both of you to let go—all of it.
But I don't even have the words, so how I can manage any of the rest?
The only thing I think I can offer is a strong belief that is steadily growing—and your account of Brian's inbetween time helps to strengthen this belief—that this life is not all there is, but that life continues beyond this all too short and imperfect purview we call mortality.
I believe in purpose. We don't just poof into existence, and we don't just poof out. I believe that in one way or another, this life is just a speed bump between an infinite existence before we arrived here, and one that stretches into eternity on the other side.
I believe we can reunite with loved ones after this life. I believe the loves and friendships that we develop here can and do exist beyond this life.
It sounds like you believe the same, and if you do, this is just all one soul's affirmation to another.
I don't have the words. I can only hope what I'm feeling and what I hope for both you and Brian can somehow be conveyed in the novel length comment I've left here. :)
Oh I think you found the perfect words my friend. Your comment has left me in tears as well, so perhaps in some strangely sad way, we are even now. Your soul conveyed exactly what I needed to hear, the dire hope that we "reunite with our loved ones" after this purposeful journey. I used to believe that all things happen for a reason, but after these last few years, I'm beginning to think that sometimes shit happens but how we deal with that storm is really what's important. Brian and I are doing our best to do just that, and of course, live every day in gratitude. This morning the sun seemed to shine brighter, the breeze fresher, my coffee tastier, all because he woke up too. It's all I ask for anymore.
I agree with you. There are still some things that happen for a reason, and there are other things that happen because it's life. Either way, as you say, I too believe it's what we do with either of those situations that actually matters. The whole lemons into lemonade cliche.
It's amazing how simple life can be when it's boiled down to its essential essence. "He woke up, too."
Standing in my shoes, you do quickly realize what's important in life and what is utter nonsense. My sense is that generally speaking, people focus too much on the nonsense, until it's way too late. I'm thrilled however, that Brian and I have lived our time together, focusing on what's really important to us. No regrets...
Beautifully written @glenalbrethsen. I had a lot of the same thoughts you did. You expressed it nicely.
Glen is really very eloquent and I know it's all in your heart as well @beeyou :)
You know I am just too tired and lazy to write these days Lynn, but my heart is there with you both. Glenn said it perfectly, no need to repeat. :)
I know that @beeyou; I completely understand and know what you mean.
I think everyone who commented here did. I know in my case I'm hoping it's the thought that counts.
It certainly is the "thought that counts" in my eyes. Period.
Those were very kind and heartfelt words @glenalbrethsen. Thank you for them.
I thought so too @mistermercury and am very appreciative of @glenalbrethsen and his words.
I appreciate that, and you're welcome. If they actually do something, I don't think they're my words alone, so feel free to share in them if you like. The more the merrier. :)
Beautiful Post
Thank you.
So sorry to hear where things have progressed to, but also so happy to hear what's waiting for him. So many of us are there in spirit to support you both.
My bet is also on this wonderful person too @lynncoyle1. Both Gene and @osm0sis are wonderful caring individuals showing support to others on here.
@beeyou, this is why you are "The Cheerleader" :)
Imma cheerleader too with @beeyou
🎶💗🎶
I'll take all the cheerleading I can :)
You are an awesome cheerleader @yogajill! ❤️
😘
Thank you for reading my girls post.......
Sending you all my strength and love Brian. Been thinking about you 2 for hours... At a complete loss for words. Hold her tight, and know that you have an impact bigger than you could ever imagine.
Brian says thank you @osm0sis; he's done for the day now, but we both said that your "loss for words" seem to pass on the sweetest sentiment. Just enjoy your own life to the fullest; by sharing our story, we hope others do just that! Thank you again.
Thank you very much @randomwanderings, for everything. I really do take some solace knowing "what's waiting for him" and now I can also include your spirit in that list of solace and gratitude as well. Thank you very much!
this post really made me feel emotional. reading about the in-between world sent chills down my spine. im a Curie curator by the way and ill be submitting this and i hope a lot of people will be able to read this post. wish you and Brian all the best!
Thank you for giving my girl some attention. She is my world and I thank you sir
you are a awesome gentleman
Thank you so very much @andywong31! After such a difficult night last night, to wake up to this makes my heart warm. I appreciate very much you submitting my post to Curie, but I appreciate even more your warm wishes and kind words. I have to believe that all the positive thoughts and prayers that come from people here, has to do something !!
Thank you again from @briancourteau and myself. We are both overwhelmed with the outpouring of emotion that comes our way here.
No more bets! THANK YOU for submitting this post for @curie review. @lynncoyle1 has such a beautiful heart and spirit, and she writes exceptional posts on here. I'm happy that you took a chance with submitting this post.
I know if it wasn't you then any of the other individuals I upvoted would have done it because they all have the same caring hearts.
thank you my friend..........hugs..........
Be sure to take care of yourself so you can hug Lynn every night. Stay strong and know we care very much for the both of you.
Thank you for this @beeyou! Your words here touch my heart more than words can express.
You are one strong woman @lynncoyle1. How you are able to put this experience into words and share it with us is a complete mystery to me. Sending you even more strength. Much much love to you and Brian💓
My bet is on this wonderful person here @lynncoyle1. I always love to see you around @osm0sis. :)
Thank you again @beeyou; your support for all things good always makes me smile!
Thank you so much @osm0sis, your kindness and empathy does not go unnoticed by me. I needed to get it all out of me last night the only way I know how, and that is by writing. Brian and I have been overwhelmed at times such as this, with the outpouring of love and warm wishes from everyone here, so sharing it seemed a natural extension of me trying to process it all.
We both appreciate the strength and love that you are sending our way. Thank you.
Prayers and good vibes to you guys, your love is beautiful.
Thank you so much @camomilla; Brian and I both appreciate your kindness.
OMgosh @lynncoyle1 ... my heart and soul were touched deeply after reading this post.
Prayers and blessings sent to you and Brian.
Thank you so much @goldendawne. Brian and I appreciate your empathy and prayers.
I'm touched by this Lynn... It is beautiful. I too hope Brian is with you every day, but its comforting to know what also lies ahead for him. I hate that he is in pain, but I know any moment of fun with you is worth it to him. I understand he doesn't want to let go, and I don't blame him.
Enjoy every day you have and both of you will be "complete".
I sincerely hope this weekend is the most beautiful one in the world for you both!
Thank you Dave for your kindness; you really do understand my friend.
Having lost my own husband to cancer several years ago, I am somewhat familiar with many of the feelings you must be having now. I wish I could offer some wonerful advice for you, some magic pill that would make everything okay. But even with some similarities, there are differences in situation that go too deep for words. I remember giving my own husband such permission, which came suprisingly easy because of his pain which even the strongest medicines finally failed to resolve. In times such as those, no words will suffice, and each of us must journey though the situation in our own way.
Your writing is beautiful, and a fabulous testament to the love that is in your heart. I wish you strength. I wish you understanding. I wish you peace. And I wish you comfort that only true love can achieve. Those of us on the blockchain and in Discord are here for you, a surrogate family to help you though this, if you will lean on us. Let us help you through. And please remember that only love will transcend anything which this life can throw at us.
I am so sorry that you understand all too well what it is that I am going through, and it's brings me some peace seeing through you that life does continue after something so horrible. I do understand your ability to give permission "surprisingly easy"; when we love someone so much, it's too difficult to watch them suffer needlessly.
I appreciate your compliments and your well wishes too. Thank you again @thekittygirl.
Prayers to you and Brian.
God Bless
Thank you @coolfish, Brian and I appreciate that.
You are the most amazing woman @lynncoyle1!
I am so deeply touched by your journey together with Brian. Words fail me. You are so both so much more eloquent than I. But know that I hold you both in my heart and, as always, send you heaps and heaps of love! 💙
Thank you so much for that @gillianpearce and as always, I truly appreciate your kind words, thoughtful 'checking-ins' with me, and of course the "heaps and heaps of love". It means more than you know!
💙 💛 💜 💚 💙 💛 💜 💚 💙 💛 💜 💚
Sweet and beautiful Lynn & Brian. Your eloquent sharing. The raw & real aspects of life. You're in my thoughts and prayers often holding you with love, compassion and courage to keep going. Your sharing is extremely touching. As much as i can i offer to have your back in all this. Peace love and comfort to you two dear precious souls. ❤🙏❤
Aww @yogajill, thank you so very much for your kind and thoughtful comment. Just so you know, your words always seem to have a washing, calming effect on me, and for that, I am beyond grateful. Thank you so very much.
Lynn. My sweet Lynn. It means so much to connect with you now. You are welcome! I feel the blessedednesesh of you two sweet peas. Gosh girl. Love. I've so much love. Whatever I can do i will do. Hugs!!! All Around
❤❤❤
You just made me smile...hugs right back!
When you cried to tell him those words, I cried with you. Saying to let go is one thing and accepting is another. Seeing it is something else.
Knowing what is waiting for him on the other side can give comfort.
He is a hero of a man to fight this fight to be there for you, because of your strength he can. Many of us can see that and the love you both have for each other.
I understand your pain as well. This has got to be the hardest of times for you both. I pray for the best of outcomes for you both.
Oh @foxyspirit, you have such a kind heart! Your empathy for our 'situation' is really heart warming. I love that you think Brian is
You do really 'get it' and for that I am forever grateful. Thank you for your kindness and well wishes.
Lots of love and respect to you both. Much strength to you as well.
Thank you again...it means a lot!
Wow...
I am so deeply touched by your journey together with Brian. Words alone cannot express what I wish to explain, but I am very proud of you @lynncoyle1. You are both so much more eloquent and wonderful people.
But know that I hold you both in my heart and, as always, send you bunches of love! 💙
Thank you @adekunlecharles for your kind and thoughtful words. Brian and I both really appreciate your love!
My dear friend. I want you to know you have my love and support. If you need anything please let me know. I am 100% serious about that. Please do not hesitate or feel weird about it. I have already been praying for you two and your families. Is there anything that I can do to help? Or any way I can offer my support? I am going to resteem this because you two are amazing people and your story is so touching. The story you tell is an inspiration to to and I'm sure so many others. Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your lives and for being just who you are. I will pray to our Creator and ask for peace and guidance for everyone involved. I want you to know I love yous and that I am here should I be able to help in any way.
What a beautiful response my friend, and your offering of love and support is truly kind and generous. If I ever need anything, I will certainly reach out to you as I know you are honest in your sincerity. I also appreciate your prayers to our Creator. Thank you so much!
You just moved me to tears... This is so heartrending!
I've often heard from people that were close to leave that they felt a great relief and were also reunited with lovable people "on the other side". This can't take away the pain we feel when needing to let them go... but it can probably help us to get over it... one day.
Be strong and cherish the great love you feel for each other...
Please - both of you - take my (virtual) hug
Thank you so very much @surfermarly. In some ways it does give me peace knowing that Brian will be reunited with loved ones and even more peace knowing that he and I will be reunited one day as well. Thank you as well for your virtual hug; please accept ours in return.
@lynncoyle1 @briancorteau I want to step away from many of the sentiments being expressed for a moment. (I know that sadly neither of you can do this)...In the worst of times, rejoice in each-other as I am certain I don't even need to say!)
I want to spend a few moments acknowledging and if I am honest feeling humbled by such a beautiful and clearly powerful love. They say love conquers everything sadly that's not entirely true but the worst trials and tribulations are made far more tolerable and eased by the presence of somebody next to you at all times along life's path.
Having experienced some of life's cruelest gifts of late I can relate and yet saying that makes things better by not one iota! Again I am about to state the obvious here but still I feel compelled to do it...Look into eachother's eyes as often as you can and bask in the love that you each find within. Relive the very best of memories through stories and photos and the mementoes we all have around us.
Humour I know it sounds counter-intuitive but find as much humour as you can right now, some may think me insensitive to say this, but I suspect you will know exactly what I mean. Humour can be an amazing anaesthetic to life's trials and it can magnify love exponentially when you are able to laugh together.
Try and take heart in the enormous outpouring of love here, sometimes the world seems so damn bleak but I think we all seek and crave community and wherever it is found it is a boon. You both have masses of love being sent to you and yours from me and mine, that should go without saying.
Please consider going to find some wheatgrass, I have read many books on the subject of it's therapeutic effects on those suffering with cancer and have read closely the many, many trials that have been conducted. At the very least it is nutritionally far beyond anything we take onboard through the average diet and can give an extra energy boost when we are floored.
My very best heartfelt wishes, love and support are sent to you right now. May you both share many happy times and make more wonderful memories together and may a love that has the power to move mountains make people here take notice and inspire them in their own lives. I wish I had the chance to hug you both right now but sadly I only have my words.
Much love to you both :)
image courtesy of Pixabay
@stevenwood, I don't even know where to begin with your beautiful comment.
First, we are so sorry that you are able to empathize with our situation. I am here if you ever need to talk about it, but you're right, talking or stating the facts never really helps with the pain. I find though that it somehow feels comforting when others can truly empathize, but awful at the same time because it only means they've felt similar pain.
I appreciate your comments about laughter. Brian and I spend most nights in bed, giggling like schoolgirls :) We relive old memories and stories everyday. As much as we both despise what is happening, there's a silver lining in the fact that we have time to prepare; we have time to reminisce and linger on our memories together.
The outpouring of love and support has been and still is overwhelming...in a good way. It has somehow given Brian especially an extra spring in his step, and for both of us, it has affirmed how we are felt about here and how we have affected others with our story. You are a part of that story now too.
I too believe in the power of wheatgrass, but just haven't searched it out here in Mexico. I'm sure I can find it...thank you for that reminder.
Thank you again for your kind and loving words, and we will accept a virtual hug from you; we are sending one to you as well. The swans are beautiful; I believe they also mate for life <3
This made me all teared up for so many reasons.
For the pain you both are going through and the everyday struggle. But in all this your positive spirits and love for each other just blows me away and are so inspiering. I wish piece for you both and thank you for sharing this. Much love to you both and my prayers are with you 🤗💙💚💛
Thank you so much @saffisara for such a kind and caring comment. Brian and I both appreciate your love, prayers and support and I'm glad you find us so inspiring...it's nice to see some positives coming from all of this. Thank you again.
My pleasure my friend and Thank You for sharing your story with us. You and Brian has inspired many by your love for each other and your great spirits 🤗 I'm glad I found you and you are in my heart and mind. Big 🤗
Aww that's so sweet, thank you again...from me and Brian!
🌹🤗🌹🤗🌹🤗🌹🤗
@lynncoyle1 this literally brought tears from my eyes, I am so sorry that you both are going through this. You and Brian are incredibly strong, and he in particular has one Hell of a fight in him to have not stepped on that grass. The love you both share is something that inspires me for real, it let's me know that there is true love in the world and that there are bonds that surpass even our wildest dreams. Thank you, and thank Brian, for sharing your lives, emotions and honesty with us all. You both are amazing people!
@briancourteau, keep fighting the good fight brother. I have been praying hard for you from the day I found out you were ill! Do not forget to reach out to me about withdraws of your funds. I want to help in any possible way. I have your back my friend!
Aww @terminallyill, your comment brought me to tears. I know how much you care and also how Brian and I have affected you, and all of it really does make my heart warm. We are so overwhelmed with the outpouring of love and support from our community here; it surpasses anything we've ever experienced in our real life. Thank you for being a part of all of that!
Right now, @pennsif is buying Brian's sbd and sending cash via paypal for it's worth; no fees ect. It's a great way to do it, and much simpler so as not to have to set up coinbase etc. This is just to convert all the donations sent Dave's way for Brian. There are more that continue to arrive in Brian's wallet, so yes, he will be in touch to sort that all out. Thank you for that! By the way, he read me your message to him regarding the fees etc and I want to thank you also for your generosity as well as your help. You really are a good friend.
I don't really know what to say. Watching someone you love in so much pain can be as painful as if you were the one in it. Hold strong and keep strong.
What you said is perfect; I can tell you really understand and care, and for that, we are both so very grateful. Thank you so much @floxycool.
Oh that's a difficult and heartbreaking experience. I hope maybe he gets well from his seizures? Maybe doctors can help further? I dunno. I hope it turns out ok in the future.
Thank you so much for your well wishes @artgirl! If wishes, prayers and kind thoughts were what is takes, Brian would be cured :) Thank you for adding yours to all of them!! We both appreciate it very much!
My heart was breaking through this entire post. But all I could see was love, love ,love.
His love for you..your love for him.
I shared.this with my husband... Letting go is so difficult. But I'm so thankful that you were blessed with more.time together. I so pray that this time would be pain free and filled with joy and more of that love @lynncoyle1♥️
Thank you so very much @dreemsteem! I'm so glad that our love, love, love shines through:)
We feel so fortunate to have found what we have in each other, and now what we've found in this community is the same kind of feeling. Thank you for being a part of that.
The @curie Author Showcase is now posted and features this post. Hope you like it @lynncoyle1 .
https://steemit.com/curation/@curie/curie-author-showcase-april-23rd-2018
Thank you so much @randomwanderings! I saw the post Gene and think that it is absolutely perfect :)
My heart and my thoughts are with you. May love surround you always. Crying and thinking of you and your husband and all the ones close to me who are facing this right now.
Thank you for having the courage to share this with us.
Thank you so very much @mariannewest; I can feel the emotion in your words. I'm so sorry that you are able to empathize with all of this, and I'm sending positive and caring thoughts back to you and
The courage that it took to write and share this here has been completely transformed into gratitude for all of the love and support we have received. Never in my wildest expectations would I have believed all of this to be possible. Thank you again.
@lynncoyle1 what a scary situation for both of you. I just read @davemccoy post as well. I was talking to my significant other @taskmaster4450 and he had found Fundition.io if you put a post up on there you can set up for those of us who want to donate to both you wonderful people. True love is a most precious gift. <3
Thank you so much @seareader1. Yes, it was very scary, but it is what it is, and I can only accept it all and enjoy every minute of every day we have together. I respect @taskmaster4450 very much and am thankful for the suggestion; I'll have a look at it for sure.
Truer words have not been spoken, and we feel so fortunate to have found just that. Thank you again for your kind words and support. Brian and I will not forget this.
Our friend @davemccoy wrote a post as a fundraiser if you're interested in having a look. The community support has been so overwhelming; I really am at a loss for words.
I did check out @davemccoy post and it is such a wonderful thing. I will do all I can to help support such wonderful loving people. You are truly unique. Not everybody would be able to accept what is instead of always going to the why me. And since you have accepted it you are getting such a precious gift. You are correct my significant other @taskmaster4450 is a wonderful person. He tries his best to help his fellow humans. You both are in my thoughts and prayers. <3
Hug
Thank you! I know you enough to know there's so much more to that one word.
Not always easy to figure out what words to say, so glad you got it. :)
In a way, kind of a blessing that you got to see this. You know now that when Brian does want to stop fighting that he will be taking the hands of his parents and letting them lead him to a peaceful place. Sending you both all of my love - Carl
Thank you so much Carl. Brian and I both appreciate your kindness, support and love. Yes, I do believe that amidst the horror of it all, there was a blessing there too; one that I will be holding onto forever.
I just read a post by @lizelle where she mourns the loss of a young friend who took her own life - she suffered from depression. And then I read about your Brian, who fights to stay alive to try to prevent you from suffering. Such opposites, yet both such heartbreaking stories - life is about losing people and dealing with the loss, it seems. I think it is inspiring that you have had the time to reach this place of acceptance, and that you can now find a bit of joy in each day you have to spend together.
I'm so sorry that Brian has to endure the seizures and can only imagine how distressing it is for you @lynncoyle1. It's so amazing that there are so many people who know what you are going through and are trying to uplift you both with their prayers and expressions of love. I'd like to offer my love and support, peace to you and Brian.
'Such opposites' is right; but I agree, both are terribly 'heartbreaking'; either way, there are people suffering from pain and from loss, and it's just a shame that it's all a part of life. We have been dealing with this for years, so I guess you are correct...I have had time to reach this place of acceptance.
Thank you so very much for your offer of kindness, and yes, Brian and I are overwhelmed with the outpouring here. It really is amazing to me.
You are always in my thoughts, that's what's so weird about steemit. Strangers yet the trauma you are going through keeps you in my thoughts! It's a beautiful autumn day here in South Africa, I hope you're going to have a good Sunday in Mexico.
It is strange how that happens here. I feel very attached to so many people here and their stories, and it just suddenly happened. Thanks to @davemccoy and people like you, our Sunday was pretty phenomenal! Thank you!
I am so sorry, as much solace and comfort as possible :(
Thank you @yidneth; I appreciate your kindness.
I am officially crushing on you. Nothing beats a loving heart. Love loves till the very end.
I pray that you will be strengthened to continue loving Brian till the very end. Remain strong darling.
Thank you so much for your very sweet comment. Brian and I both appreciate it very much.
Wow that's some great courage you showed there!
Thank you so much.
Your post hit me so hard! Im in tears, I know the pain all too well of death 🕊 . I just lost my grandmother that was more like a mother to me then anyone. I wish I was as strong as you sound to be able to tell him its okay to go. My grandmother said the same things about others waiting on the other side for her.
All i can say is thank you for sharing. And sending you so much aloha in this time 🌺
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother! Mine was like a mom to me as well, and I was heartbroken when she passed. Knowing they're in good hands on the other side really does help. Thank you for your kind words too; Brian and I both appreciate them very much.
I have exactly the same to same about your writing. I love it! What a heartwarming post!
I just wish it was fiction; it would make it much easier to deal with. Thank you.
Oh my goodness, this is so sad. I can feel how much he means to you and can only guess at the pain you are feeling. Prayers and best wishes to both of you in the days ahead.
Thank you so very much @donkeypong for coming over to check this out and also to Brian's page. It really brings him so much pleasure to see people appreciate his work; steemit has given him purpose as his body and abilities fail him.
I appreciate your kind words here to me as well; the love and pain I feel is in constant battle, but I truly try to focus on the love, and all the positives that I have. Like today for example. He woke up and is here with me; that's all I ask for each night I go to sleep.
Thank you for your best wishes, it really means a lot!
Sending you and Brian so much love! <3 <3 your post made me cry and it is just amazing to hear such love in such dire circumstances. You both amaze me to no end!
Thank you so very much for the love and kind words @amariespeaks; you always say just the right thing. Thank you again.
you're very welcome my dearie <3
Hi Lynn (and Brian)
I echo the sentiments of many replies here and proud of you for sharing this with us.
My thoughts are with you both, and the strength you both have for these most difficult of moments is inspirational.
Best of wishes x
Thank you so much Asher, I appreciate your kind words and well wishes. We are both so overwhelmed by the response here; I feel like I have a huge support system in place who will be here for me whenever "the time" does come where I desperately need it.
wow.... this is so touching. i had no idea you and your beloved were going through this... wow... super touching post and i find myself having a lot of emotion. sending you love, support, guidance from beyond... all of it........ as you go through this event that i cannot fathom the enormity of........... much love and blessings .....
Thank you very much @mountainjewel, I can tell that this affected you, and for that, I am most grateful. Your empathy is apparent to me; I really appreciate your "love, support, guidance...all of it"...it means more than I can say. I truly hope, with all of my heart, that you never have to "fathom the enormity" of it all. Thank you again.
No matter what enjoy each moment as hard as they are at times your love for one another surpasses all! I hope and pray for healing and a life full of abundance! Enjoy those walks listen to your favorite songs and dance until you can't dance any longer! Much love!
And that's why we came to Mexico! To truly live, to enjoy every day, to dance, sing, walk...all of it. We truly to appreciate every minute we have together, and we are both hoping for it to continue as long as possible. Thank you so much for your breath of fresh air @charimsma777, I really do appreciate it.
I tried finding this post straight after we spoke on Discord but Steemit was being special.
I kmow this feeling from Brian's side I saw my dads and knew I would be safe and in no more pain and they would look after me. I told my mum as she was sitting by my beside as i was dying. I think knowing that there still people on this side waiting for me and wanting me to fight.
I can only imagine what it was like from her or your side but I believe you did the bravest thing possible in giving him your blessings. My heart goes out to you as I my tears flow freely as I read and now write this.
I have no real words of comfort for you and for that I'm sorry. But know you are a survivor and survive this you will even though a hole will be left. Xxx
You are the third person who went to find this post and it simply wasn't there? weird. Anyway, it's of no importance...you are here now.
There are too many stories like your's and Brian's for me not to believe that he will be well taken care of whenever that time truly does come. I will be lost, but I will survive, because truthfully, I have no other choice. The fact remains that we will one day be together again, so I will have to continue living and not waste the gift that is life. You're right; there will be a "hole" left when he is gone.
Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for recognizing the difficulty in the choice I made. Just because it's the right thing to do, certainly doesn't make it any easier. I feel for your mom, but in the end, I am so very grateful that you fought to stay here.
Thank you again for your kind words; Brian and I both appreciate them very much.
It is such an amazingly strong and generous thing to include all of us in your heartbreakingly beautifully journey. Keeping you both in my heart and sending tons of positive energy in your direction.
Thank you very much @traciyork. I had to write about it to help me clear my head, and then posting it here was a natural progression of processing the whole thing. Brian and I have continually been overwhelmed with the support we've received from people like yourself; this is really a very safe place to share our journey.
Thank you again for being you...someone I appreciate very much. In the midst of all of it, I just said to Brian that I'm responding to "See Lynn grin" and he burst out laughing. Here's to kicking cancer to the curb for another day.
That's awesome! When I first put the words on the gif, I thought I was reaaaaally stretching the limits of her awesome grin. But I'm wicked psyched it's having the intended effect (summoning grins when things are grim).
It's our go-to at the moment.
via GIPHY
Awww thank you @traciyork! :)
I then now truly believe that if we are in the middle of our life n death or if our time is coming we can those loved ones that already departed to welcome us in the other side of our journey. My father also rest in peace later last year and as what my mama said my papa will look here and there that seems he is seeing thing in there. Then she ask my papa what u are looking at he will answered names of his friends which already pass away, and sometimes he will said he saw my mother's mother waiting for him and so are his parents. My mama said with teary eyes, though my heart broke I will encourage mama to not let papa see her crying just let papa know it's ok if he will go and ur ok with it. I won't let mama see my teary eyes to convince her that if papa's time is coming then let it be, let him assured that mama will be fine with us so that he won't feel worried when he will go. One day Papa said he is so tired already for we knew he has pained and tired being in bed and can't do the anything for he used to be so active and working person. His bed redden for a few months and we knew it is so hard tiresome for him, for he can't even move side to side for it's hurt as he will said. Until one day mama said to him if you go then go peacefully don't worry about me for I know we can see each other again. Then after a day or so papa sweat so much while eyes closed it seems like he travelled or walk so far in his dream. Then he slowly open his eyes and signal mama to go a little far from him, or said just go over there don't sit beside me, or do what u have to do don't watch me but mama hesitate to leave.him and guess what my papa do for the last time! He push or something like held his hand with his last strength just to let mama go away and his hand landed on my Mama's mouth! Mama go away for it hurts (hahaha) she feels anger knowing papa seems like slap her (we laugh talking about this, and I said because your a hard headed) for now we knew why papa do it, papa wants mama to go away so she can't see when papa lost his last breath, because when mama back to checked on him, papa already rest with a face just like sleeping and so peaceful. Mama cried for she only walk to drink water not even a minute when she came back papa already pass away. And that's why papa wants mama to go away from him and do that thing so mama won't see him leaving but instead mama will see him just sleeping.
@lynncole1 I know it's hard seeing our loved one suffered in pained. Just let him assured that everything is okey and both of you will be together again. In the right time for him to say goodbye just be prepared and don't let him see u crying for it's more pain for him seeing you crying. I know you are prepared meeting him go, and don't worry about him he will soon be ready to leave you when he will know it's really his time to go. Give the sweetest smile to him when that time comes assuring him you will be fine and accepted the truth in this life. God bless both, but I hope he can recovered and Live more further with you with less pain.
Thank you so much for sharing your story; it made me cry and smile and laugh all at the same time. Your dad didn't want your mom to seem him choosing to leave, which is something I understand, but it sure made me feel sad for your mom. There's something about taking care of someone and loving them, that you just want to be there for that final breath. I appreciate your words though; I understand how important it is to "let him go" when the time is right.
Thank you again, I appreciate it more than I can say.
I'm happy to know that even in a small little way I made u smile. The right time will come, slowly your sadness will be replaced in calmness once u truly accept he needs to go, and that time is when he also have courage to leave u. But for now enjoy both and be happy, let him know your happy and accept it already, so he is happy too when it's parting time. Besides you have the most wonderful gift left.behind, you have your two beautiful sons :) and they need u. Just don't forget if u need someone to talk too, please don't hesitate to let me know, I may just listen while u are singing... I mean talking :). God bless
Thank you so much @dianargenti; I'm really listening to your words, and I appreciate you offering your 'ears' to me.
I know the feeling dear, steem on and God bless!
Thank you, same to you!
oh my @lynncoyle1. Big hugs to you 😢 it must have been so difficult and it made me tear too. I can't imagine. But I know both of you have really been spending your time loving each other so much and at your very best. Keep going, as much as you can and keep loving. You are so strong in loving!
Your real love story which is strong even in the odds of life stays on the blockchain forever. Thank you for sharing every bit of that vulnerability (which is your strength)with us.
Hugs and love to you and Brian. Peace too!
Thank you @happycrazycon for your sweet words and for reminding me that me and Brian's story will be preserved here forever. That makes me smile.
@lynncoyle1 yet another beautiful, heartfelt piece from you. I don't have more words to describe but sending you loves, together with the other Steemians <3 Take care lynncoyle1
Thank you @deborism. Brian and I appreciate that.
Aww @lynncoyle1 you are so strong. I wish that we did not have to go through such tough times in our lives but to know he has others on the other side is comforting. The strength of Brian is amazing too. For him to be so strong to make it back. You two are amazing.
Thank you @magicalmoonlight; that's very kind of you to say. I too think Brian is pretty amazing for returning to me!
Finding adequate words to respond to this is impossible @lynncoyle1. Your strength is phenomenal. I just want you to know that we are ALL here for you and we all love you immensely. If there is ANYTHING you need, or anything we can do... Please just shout.
Sending you all the love and strength in the world angel xxxxxxx
Thank you so very much @jaynie/ @steemitbloggers . Knowing that I have the support of "our family" means the world to me because I know that I will never really be alone. That offer from you is beyond "adequate", thank you.