What are you up to?
The Good Lady looked suspiciously at me as I tromped out of the garage bearing an oversized pole with a saw on the end of it.
Killin.
I replied with a gleeful smile on my face as if I were feeding porridge to a bull.
Killing. Killing what?
She said, swaying back as the end of my Halberdish garden tool swung around menacingly in the air.
That fucking tree that is blocking my sun. I told you. I told you it was getting it and today my friend is the day!
I did a little happy dance like a Flat Earth YouTuber watching a SpaceX test flight explode as it hit the dome that encases the Earth.
Wait, didn't we agree that that wasn't our tree and it only looks like our tree because it overhangs into our garden so much? I thought we were going to leave it.
The Good Lady looked nervously at the bushy behemoth that lurked menacingly over our garden. Its dread shadow spreading across half of my manor.
No, woman. I cannot allow this abomination to live. Yesterday I only had my top off for half an hour before it spread its sickening gloom over my spot. Not on. Nopeski.
I hefted my pole-saw and stood to attention, like a knitter hearing about incoming yarn price increases.
But, it might be dangerous. Shouldn't we get quotes from a tree surgeon or two?
She wrung her hands and to my astonishment, the juice of crushed man-dreams did not drip from them.
I cast her a stern gaze.
Lady. I do not pay someone to come in and wipe my arse so I am not going to pay some random man to come in and murder a fucking tree for me. No, this one is all mine.
I cackled crackily like crispy chicken skin.
Still, it's awfully tall. Will you promise to be careful?
The Good Lady sounded whimsically nervous as if not quite believing how much my life insurance actually amounted to.
I make no promises darlin. When it comes to killin' nothing's off the table.
I cut off any further discussion with a wave of my pole saw and set off to the part of the garden where Yggdrasil's annoying sibling stretched out overhead.
I looked up at the tree, it was a massive bastard and no mistake. Not massive like a Giant Redwood but still, it was a fucker. I could almost feel the tree chortle as it looked at my little pole saw with woody mirth.
Its merriment tailed off as I laid the Pole Saw down and pulled out my Spear and Jackson Predator wood saw.
Not so fucking funny now, eh? Ya bastard.
I leapt up its trunk like a saw-wielding ninja cat and the cutting began.
The tree fought back valiantly. Branches whipped at my face and bugs fell into my mouth as I screamed myself hoarse with battle rage but eventually, its struggles stilled as I ripped off the last of its limbs.
My breath came in great gulping gasps as I hauled myself out of the tangle of branches, bird nests and felled forest that now stood where the tree once had. I was covered in innumerable scratches, cuts and a weird bruise on my sexiest thigh.
Somewhere in the fog of war, I had lost the Pole-Saw but still, I clung grimly to the Predator.
Wanker.
I snorted as I kicked one of the tree's bigger sawed-off limbs before swaggering out to the family who had been watching the bloody fight with open mouths of awe.
Daddy. What have you done?
The children wailed in horror at the devastation I had wrought.
I nodded grimly.
I did what I had to kids. I did what I had to.
I paced off to the kitchen where I kept the secret cigars.
One day, it would all make sense to them. One day.
Update: I made a song to go with the post. With AI!! HOT DAMN, it's good!!
Get a silky pole saw, Japanese design and made. No tree has a chance if you come at it with one of these. Way better than a chain saw.
That's exactly what mine is like only it's a cheaper knock off. It is certainly doing the job at the mo!!
I am saddened and ashamed. Why did you not call upon your ancestral druid magic to awaken the tree and send it on a rampage across the city? Instead, you wound it and let it seethe with rage. You have made a foe of the treefolk.
I did call upon my ancestral magic!! It refused the call and that is why I was so wroth! 😀😀
I've done my share of tree-fellin'. I even have a saw on a pole! It's very useful. It can be a bugger getting rid of all the off-cuts though. Seems you're not allowed to just burn stuff when you like these days.
The saw on the pole is fantastic. Mine was cheap as feck from Lidl but it does the job. We burn everything, I don't think there is any enforcement as such up here. At least not yet. It's often the easiest approach but can be damn smokey!!
Btw nice bike
A man must have wheels!!! 😜😜
"Secret cigars" ... sounds like a blunt to me.
And btw.. there goes your Arbor Day gift. Murderer.
One must always have a sneaky supply of everything 😉
Too right dude, I also have one of these menacing devices for those lanky trees. I didn't get the the cheap arse one and am glad of it. The saw is a little bendy and it takes some fucking effort to use these monsters at high level.
Yeah, sometimes the saw is a bit wobbly wobbly bendy but it is good stuff! The amount of offending branches I gave been able to reach these days is superb!!
I wouldn't be without mine, they are the closest ting to owning a Halbard (without the axe). My dog is terrified of it, and stares warily at the long end 😀
I can see animals being terrified of such a thing. I was getting the same reaction from the missus and the kids!!
You need to start taking before and after pictures of such events.
I have a dead tree on our property that needs to come down. I could use a guy with a pole saw and some felling experience. Too bad you're thousands of kms away
I would bring it all down!!!
I did think about trying to take a before photo but it was buried in a wall of green. You can see the after no bother though. The green is gone. Or at least large parts of it! I only intended to trim it too I got behind all the foliage and saw it was an intruder!
Sometimes you just have yo get the job done. No time for photos in the moment.
I know. The missus was astonished because she went in to make a coffee and came out and I was gearing up for war after sitting staring at the shade from the big bugger, lol!
Sounds about right 😂
You: "I'm going to chop a tree down"
Wife: "Okay sounds good. Wait what...?!?"
If one has never ninja jumped onto a tree welding a saw to slay the treeish beast, one has never truly lived.
Some cuts and bruises are a small price to pay for the wholesale slaughter of that wanker tree and anyway, pain goes away, chicks dig scars and glory last forever.
Death to all trees that block out the few minutes that the sun actually shines in Scotlandia.
That was my thinking!! We have so few sun minutes that I came be having anything doing done sun blocking! Apart from the sun cream that is 😀
It was a mighty battle, there were even snails raining down like meteors at one point!
Only a Titan such as you could ever survive such an epic battle, and now...well, you'll get to enjoy a minute or two of sunlight. Who needs Ibiza!
Yeah, these Spanish islands can do one. I have my four minutes of Scottish sun glory coming up in June 🙂🤣
Don't forget your 50+ sunblock, four minutes of sun can do some damage.
In Scotland our pallid skin needs the protecting! Even from a cloudy day!!
Scotland Chain Saw Massacre
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The kids will forgive you one day lol.
Oh the horror!....incoming yarn price increases?!? Say it ain't so!
Apparently the tarn is becoming more expensive. Although we are festooned with it so it would be a while before we are hit!!!
They are bereft at the devastation but I am sure when I tidy it all to and it grows in a bit they will congratulate me and hoist me on their shoulders like a king for a victory lap 😀😀
For a moment I thought you had (re)watched The Evil Dead the night before.
The Predator part made me smile too :<)
That reminds me, I have been meaning to watch those movies again. I loved em!!
Cool! They are awesome, although the third one is pretty weird ( think I've only seen that one once ).
I really didn't like the remake from some years ago. Aside from remakes/reboots being unnecessary (evil), most horror reboots seem to be extra gross and way less fun than the original flicks they are based on.
Yeah the third one doesn't stick in my head so much but I do remember it being a bit too self aware and weird.
I haven't seen the remake? I might avoid it just to keep the original unsullied in my head!!
It was way different. Included time travel.
Part 1 and 2 were on another level and created 10 years priors to the third one.
Avoid it like the plague.
Consider that a plague I shall not approach!!
Don't blame luck, you're in control said the tree. it's a good thing you didn't get physically hit by the branches, but a little tired of the stress of pruning the branches that hide our friend the sun.
Congratulations yeayyy for your Lady that now if she gets a better tan and the smallest flora in the garden will also benefit ☀️
One particularly thick one landed on me but fortunately the little beaches and twigs cushioned the blow!
I am sure she will be happy about it soon 😂
Medal of bravery required for felling skills, words used with descriptive meaning. Thanks for links to learn more Aha the English language!
Saving pennies adds up to pounds, you did the right thing hope you tossed the branches back for the owner to clear 🙃.
Now you got rid of all that frustration, enjoy the scratches and carry them with pride.
!BEER it's deserved.
I am carrying them with the greatest of pride! Although they are a bit itchy!
I was tempted to throw the branches and wood back over the fence but I shall choose for once to be the better man!!
Makes good compost around the garden, dry bigger logs for fire wood during winter, hell with fuel prices, little fine here or there no problem....
I have kept a fine selection of the bigger chunks and added to my wood pile! The rest is getting burnt and mulched. 🙂
Facetiously she said..., 'well done Scar, wear it with pride!'
You got rid of their cubby tree didn’t you 😆
No before and after pictures so we can believe the tree was actually a decent size and not some tiny little bush that was peeking over the fence? 😃
Hahahahaha, hopw dare you imply that it might have been an oversized bush!
You would be right but it was about twenty feet tall! It was like an elongated rhinocerous!
😀
We, collectively, need more of this can-do spirit. I remember growing up in the 70's my dad would tackle any job. The last house my wife and I owned had a paper birch tree that I had to put out of its misery because it was growing towards the house. I swear it had roots halfway to China but that wasn't the worst part. The worst of it was the nosey neighbor who lived halfway down the block who thought it was appropriate to walk down and chastise me was I was cutting it down because she said it was a "rare tree". I think I made up some brand new swear words right there on the spot that day. Another great one my friend! Thanks for the chuckles.
There is always some nosy sort wanting to poke their nose in! I think we all do need to do stuff and not just throw money at others. I mean if its an impossible task then yeah, get a professional in. Othwerwise, just have a go! :OD
Haha that was hilarious. It is also interesting how we want more trees and shade in the Philippines because of how hot it is, and you want more sun over there. I probably would have done the cutting myself as well. It's not everyday you can cut trees, and use an awesome tool. One might not look as cool after getting cuts and hits, but it sure would be a cool feeling doing it.
It was good in the midst of it all when I began to see I was making progress although i would have loved a chainsaw!
We need less shade as we get hardly any sun! I can imagine the opposite in the Phillippines!
Yeah, a chainsaw would definitely make short work of that. Probably would have looked cooler too haha.
Aye, I am freaking out the missus by checking them out on Amazon 😀😀
Oh man, please stay safe out there. I have seen a lot of recoil near misses with chainsaws.
Don't worry, I probably wouldn't get one out of the fear of such a thing!
Am surprised you didn't pop a bill through the neighbour's letterbox! Their bloody job to keep their tree in check, the fluffing b'stards!
She is an old biddy, gave up on her garden long ago and it has turned into a jungle. Now it wants to take over mine too.
I feel like popping something a bit more smelly than a note through her letterbox! 😀
LOL, making the mundane incredibly interesting as always. Love this! And very relatable, we had two enormous trees in our backyard growing up, a silver leaf oak tree and a giant eucalyptus which was one if not the tallest in the neighborhood complete with a tree house, which after time, you only went up there if you didn't value your life. Regardless, my fearless father kept trying to prune both of those well into his 70's haha. Then they sneakily just waited until I flew home for a visit before tasking me with doing it. Good times.
Aw man. If one of ours had a tree house in it I would have let it live!!
You gotta make the mundane fine as so much is life can be mundane!! 😀😀
Yeah, the issue was it was too close to the actual house and my aged parents were afraid limbs would break and land on the roof. And no little ones lived nearby anymore to even enjoy the tree house. So sadly it got axed. My friends and I spent many hours playing in it, everyone in the neighborhood wanted to come to my house to play in our awesome backyard. It was a glorious Eucalyptus. But it provided lots of firewood haha.
We have 2 trees that grew way larger than they were supposed to, with heavy branches overhanging the roof. A friend recommended 2 guys who were not registered tree surgeons, so I was a tad nervous, but trusted my friend. I watched a little and saw they had the technique right to prevent the branches from crashing through the roof, but I walked away, too nerve-wracking for me!
I'm sure I was also wringing my hands like your Good Lady!
Here in our subtropical climate, I'm sure even a broomstick would grow into a giant if shoved into the ground;)
Tree-felling certainly looks like no fun, you're a brave man tackling this alone!
That was half the battle, to get the giant branches to fall in the right places!!
I can imagine it being hard if it was over a fragile roof. I had a free reign surrounded by trees and grass!
Still not an easy job to do on your own though!
We had a temp gardener many years ago with work experience in tree felling. We had to fell a giant tree between the cottage and a concrete fence. Some branches were cut, and super-strong rope was tied in strategic places on other branches, which hubby and 2 other guys had to pull. He knew how to cut wedges into the main trunk so it would fall in the right direction. He was full of confidence, and the giant fell perfectly, it was an amazing sight!
It was the days before cell phones so I could not video it.
His nephew now works for me.
Definitely not the easiest job althous I will be perfectly honest it doesn't sound like the kind of tough job you just described. Mine was a relatively young tree. Its trunk was only about thigh thick!
Hehe, good call on sniffling the nephew!
He's been an absolute blessing, hubby taught him many DIY skills as well.
Enjoy what's left of your Sunday, Mr. Boom!
Sounds like you are going to have an interesting visit from the neighbors soon? Did you get the trunk too?
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Haha, she will never know. It was actually in the depths of the border between our gardens and our is dense in there!!!
Don't be afraid of Mímir's fury now! 😄 You'll need more than those nail clippers!
The music is a hit!
Haha, I really liked the tune. I can't believe AI is taking over that too now!!
Hahaha... you already have another subscriber!
Lol, that will be me up to about ten 🤣🤣
Call the municipality, they cut the trees here 😄
They cost money here! And I have a saw named after a murderous space alien 😀😀
Free here, public service 😄
Things used to be free here but the last government stole all the money. Hopefully they get voted out at the end of the year!
Yea, municipalities are the backyard of the government.
Or at least they really should be!!
In our place, if we don't like a certain type of tree, we call a worker to come and sell it so they can cut the tree for us and earn some money.
Here the same worker would cut down the tree, charge you two hundred pounds and take the wood away to sell and make more money!!
200 pounds is quite a lot of money, we should do this ourselves without them
Exactly. I would rather eat my own feet than pay someone money like that for something I can do myself 😀
your exact . I just went to look at your account. wow I have to really try if I want to be like you
I have been around since the early days. Just keep trying and you will do ok!
Thank you . I will try to be like you.
That is very flattering, thank you! :O)
Yo antes de cortar preferiblemente seria un poco de gasolina y un fósforo. Quemado seria mejor y adios árbol.
Haha, yes. That might have unintended consequences!!!
Ohh yes
Hi Boomy!
In this comment I just want to say a few words... you convinced me to buy a Predator saw!
I will plant some redwoods in my garden and wait years for them to grow before I can remove them! They're definitely going to be some damn reptilian trees!
Heh heh, the predator is great as it is not that expensive but goes through wood like a hot knife through kittens! :OD
Blocking the sun ???? Of course it must die !
Sounds like quite the big job. Now for the limb cleanup !
So many things make no sense, till YOU get there.
Are you sore all over ???
I am sore today! Which is a dashed pain because I do have the clean up ahead of me and I cannot be chuffed because there is so much of the blummin mess to somehow make smaller, Gaaar. Iwould give my left ear for a wood chipper! :OD
Rent one for a few days? I don't really know the cost of something like that . Might be exorbitant. I guess that matters or not, depending on how much work it saves.
I don't like the idea of giving some itinerant money for a chipper wheel I have my god old saw... Lol, perhaps I should see someone about my issues with paying folk for stuff!!
I do understand, but sometimes I like paying for easy. LOL !!!
Maybe when you get a little older !
Haha, I am the same sometimes!!! Just not with garden things yet!
Hahaha... That's some great job you did over, wanking off some tree that was in the way, with so much melodrama... 😄
Lol! I might not have wanked it off but I certainly gave it an ending! :OD
hahahaha, I imagine you cutting down that tree and your family watching hahahaha, and the part where the tree is supposed to look at you and smile, but you change your weapon, let it NOT be said that you don't have weapons to finish the enemy hahahahha.
You must always have more than one weapon to hand! hehe! :O)
I am looking forward to the even bigger battle that bestows you now. The fucking roots. Bastards so they are.
Haha, I might have to leave those feckers.
I think I have roots from chopped down things years ago still hanging about!!
Trees are very important in the society so we should leave them and let them grow. I have a question. There’s a friend here on Hive who recently cut the tree at the front of his house and the reason was that he didn’t want the tree to fall on his car.
That makes sense
Right?
I guess it depends if the tree was dying or dead or showing any immediate signs of falling. I'm that case I would normally say no.
I left some of the tree. It will live, just not on my side of the fence 😀
I didn't realize that the story of cutting trees is so beautiful, your writing presents the matter beautifully
Well thank you. I try to write with a flourish!
very precisely and nicely present a message to society via a Tree Cutting story. Trees are more important for us to protect our environment.
They are indeed!!
I also remember a similar story, when we were 17 years old, we also used to ride the bike very fast, so our speed was 100 and suddenly a car came from the front. Had he controlled his bike, otherwise we might not have been alive.
Ooft that sounds like a dangerous one!
Yeah.
🤩 !PGM
Cheers!
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