Guys, can you come to my office please?
I shook my head as I read the Teams message that had popped up on my screen.
Fucking El-Jefe. He had become insufferable lately. Despite the ravaging of redundancies tearing through my workplace, the Heffalump had somehow managed to score not only a promotion but also an office to himself.
Which in a mostly open-plan office was like sticking your hand up a cat's arse and pulling out an origami swan.
Fat fucking spunk biscuit
I mumbled grumpily to myself as I pulled myself up and along to his new office.
It was near the toilets which was the only plus point. Every day a Manager, Shitty the Brick went in and dropped a giant log that stank of boiled eggs and Cheerios for half an hour.
It made me smile to think of El Jefe having to gulp that in every day.
Sup Boss-man.
I sashayed in and perched against an old-fashioned filing cabinet no doubt filled with some poor Granny's bras and wet wipes.
Shitty the Brick slouched in too, he looked tired. Most likely he hadn't been in to drop his half-tonne shit yet and the effort of heaving it around in his lower bowel was exhausting him.
She-Bass trooped in after us and managed to sit on the skinny tower fan that was used to ward off the smog from Shitty's morning ablutions.
She was a right skinny thing and I hoped that the material of her skirt was strong enough that it wouldn't tear, resulting in her impaling herself on the tower fan.
I could almost see it now, it switching on and her whirring through the air like some weird Chinese drone purchased from Temu.
Boomy, are you with us?
El-Jefe snapped me out of my reverie.
He looked a right mess today, his little eyes rested in his puffy face like angry raisins in an unbaked cake.
Yes boss, I was just thinking about productivity.
I lied with great panache like a cigarette advert from the fifties.
Mmmm, right. Well. I will get straight to it. Someone has stolen something from my office.
He held our gazes for a moment before continuing.
You know that bottle of whisky that I kept in the locker beside my desk?
He waved to a nearby locker which no doubt held many unsavoury items not all of which could be eaten.
It was in there and it's gone.
He growled and stabbed a finger that looked like a baked potato at us.
Wait, are you accusing us?
She-Bass sputtered indignantly like the fish she was famously named for.
No. No, I am not.
El-Jefe got to his feet which was like watching a Walrus try to drive a golf cart.
He looked at us all in turn.
I need you to find out who it was. Who had the opportunity? Who knew it was there? Who had... the motive?
He rhymed off the questions like a lard burrito impersonating Sherlock Holmes.
That new analyst guy, Arthur, he looks like a sneaky bastard. It could be him?
Shitty the Brick mumbled, looking furtive as if he had been rumbled as the toilet smog monster.
I don't want random accusations. I want facts. Although granted, he does look like a sneaky bastard. Just get out there and start asking questions.
El-Jefe shook all over as if he had just got out of a bath and discovered he was a shaggy dog.
Was it unopened?
I piped up because I felt that I had been largely absent from my story so far.
No, it had been opened. There was about half a bottle left.
El-Jefe volunteered before clamping his mouth shut and looking shifty.
Why would you have a bottle of whisky in work that had been opened?
I asked innocently as if we were all great pals in this adventure we call life.
El-Jefe's eyes flashed like diamonds made from compressed sperms.
Just go out there and ask around. I want to know who the Whisky Thief is.
El-Jefe made a shooing motion with his hand to dismiss us.
Shitty and She-Bass trailed out looking confused as to whether their roles had been upgraded from IT professionals to cut-rate Private Eyes.
I lingered a moment and smiled at El-Jefe
Boss-man, are you ok?
I raised an eyebrow as if it were my turn to be Sherlock Holmes but one who was eight stone lighter.
Just go find the thief.
El-Jefe face sagged more than it already did by dint of gravity, his jowls trembled slightly.
I shook my head. Not ok then.
Oh well, time to find a thief!
Oh yeah, like whoever stole it is going to immediately confess if you ask them if they did it.
I know things are different in different places, but around here, if someone had whiskey at work and it got stolen, there is no way they would ask about it, since having it at work most places is cause for dismissal.
That's like calling the police to report someone stole your illegal drugs ! LOL....
Maybe that's the only way he gets through the day and it was so upsetting, because how was he going to get through that one. Not like he couldn't go buy more at lunch.... but....
Lol, I know. No takers to the confession.
Is any of us had a bottle of anything like that putting around we would be kicked out so hard we wouldn't know what hit us!!!
Apparently the poor cleaners are getting the blame. Dear oh dear!!
What a maROON ! (moron)... as Bugs Bunny would say.
Ah, bugs bunny!! You never hear it see him anymore. It seems that some toons from yesteryear just don't make the cut these days!
The younger generations have totally missed the really good stuff ! :)
They totally have. It's probably banned for having bombs in it or something 🤣
I'm sure ! I thought about that as soon as I posted it, I bet it is considered too violent these days....LOL
I think they don't give kids credit enough for knowing what is real and what is not in cartoons of those types. "They" are a bunch of maROOns !
Highlight Reel according to Albus:
...ok yeah I can't. I'd just be pasting the whole thing in bullet points. Every line. I wish I could spend one day at the office just to see if I can recognize who's who in there...and something tells me, from all this descriptive work, I'd be able. Excellent. Loved the Temu reference too - just...shit man, this was good, I mean fucking brilliant good. I'm torn. El Jefe seems like enough of a lard burrito jack-ass that I hope he doesn't get resolution...but I want to know who took it just for my own satisfaction.
I don't think he will ever get resolution on that one! He will have to get a lock on his stuff though. It might be seen as a free for all now 🤣🤣
HAHAHA! Stupid fat bastard 🤣
If I remember the last office story right, there was going to be some movement in your work. I thought El Jefe was going to get fired, but he got promoted instead. So there is a vacancy on his previous position. Did you get it and got promoted yourself?
This was really smooth. It would have been fun using it on my superiors, but I am not sure if I can pull it off haha.
I actually got scared for you when you asked this. There are all sorts of implications that can happen. Good on El Jefe to not answer it though. I don't agree with even asking about it in the office. I guess El Jefe isn't in tip top shape that day.
Hehe, I did finally get a move up but not to his position which seems to have disappeared. It is almost like his position is just bigger now. Much like him!
Yes, it can be dicey asking about a man's drinking habits, especially the boss man!
Oh, that's awesome! Congrats mate!
Cheers man, At this rate I might not have to work till I am seventy :OD
Always better than eighty. 🤡
We're all waiting for a bull run to get our Lambos.
The favoured bull run of the future. Oh how we kneel to thee!!
We haven't heard about El-Jefe in a long time now.
Such a funny request. Drop everything you're doing work related and go hunt down a bottle of whiskey. This takes priority!
😂
He is still the same sweaty big lump. Although he has been hiding away mostly since his bump up. He gave a pompous speech about using clearouts to advance up the pole. Cock that he is 🤣🤣
Sounds like the stress may be getting to him, he seems pretty desperate to find his work whiskey. I wonder if he has a bottle in the car as well 🤔
I can imagine he probably has bottles stashed everywhere. He has gone right downhill!!
Definitely sounds like it 😂
The cover image 👌😄
You have no compassion for El-Jefe.
I have negative compassion for
El-Jefe!
Lol
😂 The best thing is that it translates into exquisitely hilarious texts!
Haha I am glad if that or my work would be wasted!
I can solve this.
Dude's so drunk, he forgot he finished it.
But what about the aliens? Or the mice in the skirting. Shouldn't we consider all options!!!
Well at first I suspected Woody Harrelson. But he was in the movie I was watching at the time so I had to rule him out knowing it's impossible to be in two places at once.
I doubt Snoop Dogg would do it. Whiskey wasn't the case that they gave him.
Wait a minute.
Willie fuckin Nelson!
It's always Williefuckin Nelson!!!
Tom Hanks was my second guess. I didn't believe he was ever stranded anywhere. All the clues add up
Willie fuckin Nelson deserved that bottle. I can't believe you guys are doing this to him!
Free Willie!
We just want to find him to give him a full bottle!!!
Honest...
Oh. Well that's, good. It's, okay. Everything's fine. I just spent thirty grand getting an order of Free Willie stickers pushed through. No refunds. Six pallets coming from China on a fucking jet and you just wanted to meet the guy?
I agree, El-jeffe hit that bottle like a $2 whore and now he can't remember knocking it off the next morning.
That or it was Willie fuckin Nelson. I don't even know anymore. I suck at this job.
Willie is a good suspect, but I am more inclined to suspect him if it was the devil's lettuce and not whiskey.
I didn't even know they made salad in hell.
You should have invited us to finish instead :) - I would have said.
He has before on special occasions. It's sort of frowned upon but we sneak it 😀😀
Boiled eggs and cheerios, whaaaat?! I'm starving now.
You might not want to eat them boiled eggs 🤣🤣
That makes me think of my work... I work with young adults 18-21 in a shelter. Of course there is a code of conduct and stealing is not allowed. It is always amusing to me that some of them come complain when someone stole their drugs while they are not allowed to possess it in the shelter. The facepalm is real, cause now i have to kick them out. FAIL!
Haha, that is so very human. I have seen similar in a place I worked once where someone complained that someone has still their dope from the kiosk they were working in. 🤣🤣 Silly youngsters!
New rule, I am not allowed to drink any coffee while reading your posts. It always almost ends up on my screen, no matter how hard I try,
As far as the stinky shitter guy, we had one like that in one of my workplaces once. We considered just adding another restroom, giving him the existing one for his office and sealing it off. Nothing ruins a morning than wlaking down the hall and smelling someones ass vomit in the building.
It's really bad. How come there is always one. It's like he ferments them and brings them in in his ass jar for release like a wild otter!
Your comments are almost as hilarious as your posts 🤣
Heh heh, I can't keep it in! 🤣🤣
Better don't keep it in or you might start shitting like an otter too
Alas, it is too late... 🤣
oh, them otters and their ass smells. Everybody loves them because they are all cute and do cute little things with their hands. But we know they are truly evil ass blasters.
Haha, they are... But those hands!!
You shouldn't expect a good smell if one especially ate bolied egg 😄
These smells are legendary and not in a good way!! 😀
Oh classic Boomy, I am sure you have the organisation's interests deep in your heart 😀
I am deeply invested in driving our goals forward!! 🤣🤣
Haha, I'm sure you are... 😀
I am so dedicated I practically have pompoms to wave for everything they do!
I can't see much excuse for drinking whisky in the office. Did he specify what type? I'm not sure searching for the thief will be in your job description, so maybe you can claim expenses. Going for a swift double at the pub could count as research.
I have actually seen it as there have been the odd occasion where we have celebrated a project launch before hitting the pub. It's not exactly approved of but not totally frowned upon either.
If only expenses were a thing in my place at my level!!
Then who opened the bottle🤔🤔
Maybe I’d make my findings here😅
That would be him the sly dog that he is! 😀
It's a nice story but I didn't understand some lines because of high quality language. Arthur Conan Doyle is my favorite author, I don't like to see him insulted
Who would dare insult the great Arthur Conan Doyle!
He's wrote some fine tales 🙂
WTF, you haven't slain him yet?
Also...did you steal that bottle? I mean, I'm not Sherlock Holmes (more like fucken inspector gadget to be honest) but...you know...was it you? C'mon man. Was it?
Alas he remains unslain and has even grown more powerful. It's like the plot of a dungeons and dragons adventure.
Lol. It wasn't me but I do remember it being about one evening and not having much in it 🤣🤣
Some beasts must be taunted before being slain...I have always found that stealing said beasts' whisky does the trick.
Steal the whisky before stealing the soul!!
I do love taunting him, it stops me giving him a swift kick in the nuts!
You know you can taunt and nut kick right?
Would that be a tnut'ing. Sounds Egyptian. I'm in!
Everyone's doing it.
Wonderful story creator. Thank you for this one also. It entertaining and not boring to read through
You are very welcome. Thank you for reading!
#hive #posh
Half bottle..., infested office, perhaps the rats enjoyed it at an all night party.