There are so many advice articles floating around that try to put a person who lost their parent on the path to recovery This is often done in a list of 5-10 things you'll experience after the loss. I don't think these lists are wrong by any means but I do think everyone's experience is different. Sure you'll go through the anger, crying, guilt, loneliness in different stages but what happens after? How will you feel 6 months or a year from now? Does it get easier and does it change you?
I can only give my perspective as I lost my father, Nick, last September. He had just turned 65 and retired for about 3 weeks when his heart valve ruptured and surgery didn't correct the problem. He was a proud man and worked everyday since around the age of 16. That boomer work ethic was a foundation in his life and was present right up until weeks after he retired.
Its been close to 8 months and I have gone through a lot of different emotions during this time. At first I was upset and mad. Mad at myself for not urging him to get the surgery procedure done earlier. Mad at the doctors for not being able to come through with a solution. Mad at being helpless to do anything. That helpless feeling didn't last long maybe a week. Since I had to make the decision to remove care in a way that helplessness gave way to contentment. I wasn't content he was gone mind you it was a contentment that he wasn't in pain anymore and could find some peace with that.
That first month lead itself to not being able or wanting to not talk about it. Sadness crept in and it was very difficult for me to not remember those last weeks and days on auto-repeat in my mind. At the end of that first month I started to remember more about our good times together and that pushed those terrible days further away from my mind. Several months later I could actually tell friends and family funny stories about our past and about him without crying or getting upset. That is when I knew the measure of my father as a whole would outweigh any bad memories of his life.
Flash forward to today and I still have occasional lonely emotions especially when a baseball game is on, or crazy WWE wrestling antics make me laugh. It took a while to not grab the phone and start dialing because we shared a lot of similar hobbies. Fishing and sports early on was our bonding activities giving way to model building, race cars, aquariums, and many more.
All I can offer is my own take of what I felt during and the time since to guide anyone else going through this painful process. Everyone's experience will be different and I don't think there is a right or wrong list of feelings or order that will get you through it.
I lost my dad when i was 5
I never had the chance to actually know him. All i remember is playing nes games with him. I still play games today in his honor.
I was named after him
My mom became an alcoholic
Grandmother was very controlling and had a severe form of ocd and she was a leader in my town.
Church
My aunt was schizo and had the same bday as me.
I thought i was cursed.
I thought it was my fault
None of these people were ever here for me at all.
I only knew video games
Friends
Music
And entertainment
I still have issues from my very authoritative childhood.
I could not accept myself as a human being till rather recently.
The era i grew up in saved my life.
It sucks that you feel like this is taken away from you.
I learned though that i will never let anyone control me.
Nor will i ever control another person.
I got your back just think that he is a part of your soul now. Every thing you do is a extension of him. I do that with my father. Do everything to cherish his life show give love do everything from the heart. It gets me by on bad days when i think about it. I hope you are feeling ok talk to me if ya need.
lost my dad 9 years ago in my very early twenties when he was only 50. he was sick most of my childhood too. life moves on i suppose and you get used to it but that's about it. Used to it.
Sorry for your loss as well. Followed you.
Much love brother! I recently went to a good friend's funeral for his Mother who just passed. I've lost a lot of people already and I'm only 34 but I hadn't been to an actual service in a couple years and all I could think about was my parents and so it was very emotional. I know it's a cliche but I really always am living in the moment and looking forward, because that's all that counts while we're here.
Thank you for the kind words. I'm 38 and it really makes you mature when things like this happen.
Sorry for your loss and the other losses i read on replies.
Lost my mother when i was 18, after years of cancertreatments.
My father is dead now for 5 years.
One life, enjoy the time and moments, it moves along so fast.
Thank you. Yes I've gotten a lot of positive messages here.
Take care!
I lost my mother when I was 14. And I tried to push my feelings away with school and work. The sadness hit me 13 years later so yes it's different to everyone
Pushing away won't make them disappear exactly. Thank you for the support and words.
so sorry to read this. I hear it a lot that people who work much, take a big mental hit when retiring. My Mom is a physician and had many patience who died shortly after retirement of heart failure. She says because their body is so used to the daily stress, a lag of it is dangerous after such a long time.
btw, my Mom almost died yesterday. they had to open her head in surgery after she fell off her bike and thankfully saved her life in time. Either way every day now is fucking surreal
Seems around my neighborhood its happening a lot in the past year. Thanks for the support.
I feel your pain man, I lost my dad around the same time as you did in October. He was 63, headstrong and knew how to always have a good time, he loved to laff and he lit up a room when he entered it. He also had a heart attack, but because he hated doctors and was so secretive no one knew he had a heart problem. So I saw him on thanksgiving (im in Canada hence the October thanksgiving) than I think it was a week later he died and no one found him for 5 days, he was just decomposing in his bed...
anyways, I know what its like you go thru every emotion, but in the end all I can think about is the good times with my pops. sure we argued and he wasnt the best dad growing up, but we moved past that, and all that matters is I remeber how much fun he had in his life and how much of an influence he had on me. The one thing I think about that I never got to say, was that I love him, and I regret that. So whenever I hear about someone mad at one of there parents I tell them to get over it and reconcile with that parent.
I miss you pops, my father my hero
Yes as boys growing up our fathers are giants. Thank you for the reply.
So sorry for your loss. Although I'll soon turn 69 both of my parents are still living. They are able to take of each other and drive themselves to the store and to the Doctors' office. But you never know when that dreadful day will come. My Mom's sister died yesterday and she was almost 94.
Thanks friend for the continual support for me.