How do you run a race without a finish line? If there's no end in sight, nothing to strive for, how do you find the motivation within to keep moving endlessly toward that mysteriously moving line? These are the questions I find myself contemplating these last two days as our family still waits for clarity, finality, peace. As each new day dawns, and the finish line that was thought to be there fades into nothingness, moving forward feels impossible at times.
For the last seventeen months, life has thrown us curve ball after curve ball until we've landed where we are today. What was supposed to be 365 days turned into 519 days and counting. Every extra day has become a precious jewel that that I stash away in the memory of my heart. Every snuggle, every hug, every kiss, every "I love you" is cherished and not taken for granted. As I'm sitting here while the kids are napping, I keep asking myself: How am I going to keep it together for them? How do I keep things as normal and healthy as possible so that they aren't feeling the extra stress and anxiety that I feel? The only answer that I can think of is by practicing mindfulness--of living in this moment of this day and not allowing myself to think of the days or moments to come. This is harder to practice than it is to preach.
My dear friend just stopped by the house. I hadn't seen her since she had received a diagnosis of stage 4 colon cancer. She's a mom of two boys and just an all-around amazing person to have in your corner. She's the kind of person that spreads positive thoughts as if she's planting seeds in a well-cared for garden. (And don't worry, she'll come back and water them, too!) Before she left, I asked her how she was really doing with all of it, and she said that she could honestly say she was neutral right now and that neutral was a great place to be. While she wasn't crazy optimistic with all of the facts laid out before her, she was also not "living in her diagnosis". It struck me that I have been doing exactly that the last three days--living in the diagnosis of not having answers, of the unknown, of the possibility of losing the little man at any moment. I had been choosing to live in anger, fear, resentment, and anxiety, and it was taking its toll on all of us.
If this joyful lady could stand before me knowing she had a time-stamp on her life and her time with her young family, and she could still say that she wasn't living day-to-day with her focus being the actual time-stamp, then I needed to greatly re-evaluate my focus as well. If I can mindfully enjoy every minute of the day I actually do have with the little man, I will be happier in those moments and he (and his sister) will be happier as a result. If I can forget that there's an unknown finish line waiting out there, then we can take detours off the beaten path and organically experience life together. If I live my day-to-day life with the purpose of making the both of them feel happy, safe, and loved, no matter the circumstances that surround my family, then I will have successfully lived for that day. If I look at each day as a step down the path of this crazy race called life, then I am walking to the end of the race with a purpose and meaning in each day (and who likes running any way??)
That's actually me at the head of the pack running into the water. The people who didn't have sleeves on their wetsuits were crazy, because it was COLD!
As a triathlete, the races I enjoyed the most were the ones that I didn't care about the time or my stats and just enjoyed the sights, the sounds, and the experiences of completing a triathlon. I walked a lot of my favorite triathlons just so that I could extend my experience! I remember one race in particular: it was an early fall day right before the start of a new school year. I knew that this would be the last chance I would have to be outside doing this for another year, and while I was on the bike leg, a thought occurred to me. Why am I rushing through this beautiful morning and experience? I am not taking in any of the gorgeous landscape, the color of the leaves, the sun just beginning to wake up, or the chill in the air. I'm racing past it all. It was that moment that I decided to slow down and enjoy this last taste of freedom before I had to return to work. I have never enjoyed a triathlon more than that one. I decided to walk the running leg, and my training partners all kept urging me to run and kept saying, "You can do it!" I knew I could do it--that wasn't the issue. I didn't want to go fast that day. I wanted to enjoy every second of the beauty of that race.
I have forgotten how to savor the moment and have been focusing too much on the stats and the time. Forget the finish line! It's all of the steps that lead to the finish line that get a person across it. Today, I'm choosing to focus on those steps and make every one of our days count. I choose to breathe in the beauty of our experiences together. I choose to be mindful and not to "live in our diagnosis". Ultimately, I choose freedom.
(Featured picture courtesy of pixabay.com)
My heart filled with such compassion for what you described from the beginning. The more I read the higher my heart went up my throat. Heart wrenching does not do justice to what your words evoked.
Then a light...five tremendous words "not living in her diagnosis". I had never heard them before until just now. What a wonderful gift shared from one who who struggles on bravely, with her own cares, well defined, to share freely such wisdom to another who suffers so deeply as well.
Reading through your story of the race where you decided to stop and smell the roses also tells me you will walk through these trials with strength, and the dignity showed in your words. The "little man" is a very lucky little man indeed to have you. I'm sure he knows this on a soul to soul level.
I'm glad you're no longer running to get to where you know not when. It is enough to walk the line of heartache with the mindfulness of your complete surrounding...forward and back again. I'm certain others who read these words will also gain wisdom from them. Be sure to tell your friend what a treasure she is and how her words have helped not only you but so many like myself. Hug her for all of us won't you? (((hugs)))
Thank you! Your response was incredibly beautiful and touching. Thank you for taking the time to craft it and give me even more encouragement! It's true...he and I have a very special connection I believe we are kindred spirits or some may say part of my soul group. We had an amazing day in spite of all that is swirling around us, and he went to bed one happy (and tired) camper. I also appreciated you saying that I should tell my friend how much she impacted me with her timely drop in...I hadn't thought about doing that and I think she would greatly appreciate it. I will definitely pass along the hugs!
~smiles~ There is no better restful sleep than that of a happy camper. I like what you're saying about "soul groups" I believe we all have them. Lessons to exchange along the path.
I'm almost certain your friend will be happy to share the hugs. From me through you, do let her know that I've contemplated those four words more than a few times since reading them. Quite a simple revelation really...for me. Now to incorporate them through excepting them more fully. That may be a challenge...but given time this is one I can win.
It has resonated so much with me as well. Whenever I start to feel anxious I gently remind myself to come back to the moment and. It live in that diagnosis. It has definitely helped!
None of us are guaranteed tomorrow, and few of us live in today.
Try to keep what you're learning in mind when you do reach the finish line and know the outcome and don't go back to living in the future so to speak.
You are seeing and experiencing things now that you may not if you had even a positive outcome right now. Right now you value every day as the gift it is.
Wet wise words that I had not yet contemplated. There are some mom's who are always complaining about being with their kids nonstop and never having a break.
Not saying parents don't need a break, but the complaining and making it sound like kids are just a chore... I say that's because they take for granted that they have all of their tomorrows with their children. I don't, and therefore, I choose to spend all the time I am able to with my kids. And I don't complain about it...it's the life I want!
They presume to have tomorrow based on having yesterday while grumbling about today.
Just trying to help you keep your chin up. :)
Thank you!!
you're welcome
I am so inspired by your journey and continue to keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. Indeed, it is vitally important to embrace the day and enjoy what we have. Sometimes we give so much attention to the unknown that it's hard to appreciate that beauty within arm's reach in this present moment. Isn't that a nice word? Present
Thank you for the kind thoughts and prayers. I know it won't be a magical poof and I'm in the present all he time. It's going to have to be intentional and is going to take a lot of hard work!
Indeed. That struggle is very real. I'm also a big believer in universal energy and if we keep sending up positive vibes they will be returned in blessings.
And, on second thought, giving out the positive vibes just makes your journey so much easier.
oops...silly me...should know by now it would jump, and that being so true I didn't think before upvoting. I hope I haven't made a mess of things @thesimplelife ...do take care. ~smiles~
That's why I took three bugs outside of my house to release them (a fly, a lightning bug, and a wasp). I figured I needed the good karma! (and I always do that anyway...)
Oh, the bugs in my house gotta die. LOL Exceptions are spiders. If they keep in their corners I'm okay with that. If they dangle themselves in front of me or land in my hair, they die. I do rescue the big beautiful moths and an occasional tree frog that likes to come into my home. That was pretty brave to release a wasp! I usually have a swinging book for those. o_O
Ha! A swinging book! I'm the opposite. The spiders HAVE to go if they are hairy. If they are little and cute they can stay. All others are capture and release! I wouldn't mind a tree frog getting into my house! It could sing me to sleep.
Thank you for remind stay in the moment one day at the time🙏
It was my friend who reminded me. I am only happy to pay that forward!
This is about as good as it gets. I'm so impressed by your attitude and your willingness to share. Bless you.
Thank you so much! Your words and support are greatly appreciated.
I connected with what you said about:
One thing I learned to do when I get carried away in fear or anger is to stop, breath, and think about things I'm grateful for. That seems to wipe away the negative thoughts.
I have definitely been doing a lot of breathing to collect myself before I respond to anything! Breath is so cleansing at times if we only pause to use it and put some space between our triggers and our responses. Thank you for your response and I am glad you could connect to it!
Excellent post dear friend @thesimplelife, beautiful what you have written very inspiring, how many truths says in your story, thank you very much for it
I wish you a beautiful weekend surrounded by family and friends.
Thank you! We are off to a great start so far on our weekend. If only I keep those thoughts at the forefront of my thinking!
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STOPYou write beautifully! The emotions you're feeling come right off the page, they feel as if they are my own.
In my life I have come to understand that this place is about balance. The old adage "There's a light at the end of the tunnel" is true, but unfortunately one they don't say (because it's not uplifting and inspirational) is that we will always have another tunnel to go through. And on and on this process repeats in life.
I was talking with a friend the other day about balance. I had recently read about people who were practicing 'neutrality'. Apparently if you live your life in neutral you will never have to suffer or feel sorrow. But what is the other side of that? You will also never feel pleasure or joy. I have suffered and felt great sorrow in my life, but I would not trade away my joy to change that. Living in neutral, that's not living.
My heart and thoughts and love is with you! Big hugs!!
Thank you for the compliments, and more importantly, the support! I do very much appreciate those comments on neutrality. And I agree 100%! I hope that I don't have to live my whole life in neutral, but maybe only a week or two (best case scenario) as a survival skill. I'm not sure I can ever truly be "neutral"...but the not living in the diagnosis...that was an essential shift that I so needed in order to just breathe. Thank you, thank you for the support! And the thoughts on neutrality. Another new revelation for me to contemplate!
Aw, you're welcome, actually I read the one about "your best day" and I couldn't even comment on it at the time I was too busy being a blat baby, haha! Even when I was relating it to my husband.
But yes, I really love the 'not living in the diagnosis' it's a great way to be :)
Oh I'm touched by that comment! Thank you. I think that's been my favorite to write just because it was so easily inspired by him. If you could only see him...he's literally the most beautiful child! I can say that because he's not of my DNA. Oh his eyelashes are to die for...