“I love you!” a five-year-old boy sitting on the bench dressed in full karate uniform shouted out to his friend. His father’s forehead wrinkled up. “You don’t say ‘I love you’ to people that aren’t in your family,” he said in a hushed voice.
Somewhere there is a line between you shouldn’t throw those words around so that they keep their special meaning and you should say what you feel. And then, to make the line a little less clear, the pronoun we can be thrown in, as in we love you, which is far less intense than I love you. It sort of passes the buck, you know? Oh no, it’s not just me—I’m not the only weirdo professing my love—WE love you.
A cute little bee inside a candy box - I love him.In Case You Hadn’t Guessed, This Came Up Recently
I was standing outside my son’s karate class. It is the same dojo he has been at for seven years, and with the same instructor. I’ve spent an hour+ three days a week at this place for the last seven years, so I’ve had plenty of time to get to know the head instructor. He’s got an outwardly cocky demeanor, as pretty much every martial arts aficionado does, but I’ve had plenty of time to learn the softer innards. We are friends—not ones that text each other at midnight or get coffee on Saturday mornings, but friends nonetheless.
He is licking up the sugar underneath him. How tidy. I do love him.I had just finished walking my dog during my son’s class, and had stopped at the window to peek in. The instructor was running the class in his usual manner, but the energy seemed to drain out of him when he stepped out through the back door onto the quiet side street where I stood. He had suffered a recently loss, and as it does for everyone, it had shaken his equilibrium.
His brown eyes looked pained. The usual spunk in his expression was gone, leaving just a sedate look. My dog, who dislikes men, did not even react because of his completely nonthreatening energy.
What do you say to someone that is depressed? It isn’t something ripe for advice. So I just said what I was thinking—We love you.
And really, we do. I do. Given that instructors and coaches spend sometimes years with the children on their teams and in their classes, to a small degree they are raising our children. We’d better love them.
His face brightened instantly, and therefore I have no regrets, although maybe it’s a bit inappropriate for a married woman to say that to a man that isn’t in her family, especially if using a singular pronoun. Then again, maybe not. Maybe as we age the definition of family expands a bit. I think I’ve got room to adopt someone in that has been around a while and proved his worth.
I’m going to let the phrase fall out of my mouth when it is fitting, striking a balance somewhere in-between don’t throw the words around and say what you feel.
Maybe I will even use a singular pronoun. And no take-backs.
I bet he felt good for it. Sometimes its that little connection that can pierce the clouds that gather above us when times are hard
He is doing better thankfully. I'd like to claim credit, but I'm guessing I played little role in it, but I'm giving myself a B+ for effort ;)
You have to claim the credit, otherwise it will go to some undeserving sod :OD
Truth. Spoken like a man that has worked in an office :)
I was listening to a podcast today and the person/guest (Swedish) was saying how the words I love you (said in Swedish) are very powerful in meaning and are 'never' used flippantly. The context was that when she went to America it was said all the time, not just to convey the deep and powerful emotions felt between people who truly love each other; family members, spouses and so on. She said that, in English, the words don't (to her) have the same powerful meaning as they do when spoken to, and by, her in Swedish. Interesting right? Language is such a defining factor in different cultures.
I don't think I'd say it to anyone I didn't truly love, I'm a man after all and these days saying things can be fraught with danger (and repercussions) but in your case it seems well-placed and knowing you as I do I know it was also well-intentioned.
I hope you're well.
Do you say it to family? I'd say that is the big distinction between using it for a romantic partner and anyone else. My parents know I love them. I always say it anyway though, almost as some sort of respectful bonding phrase, like this is my acknowledgment that we have a unique bond- in this world of people, you are mine.
That respectful bonding phrase, like a code word for you are my people is how it gets passed around to someone outside the traditional family. Not just anyone, but someone that is tried and true and now being included into the realm of you are my people. That's how I look at it.
I can see how that Swedish person can view the phrase as flippant here. What comes to mind is a stoned hippie saying I love you man. Some people must toss it around a lot, although I can't think of anyone I know that does, other than maybe that five-year-old I mentioned. Ha. Outside of my immediate family, and person in this post, I can think of only one other I say it to - another old friend. I think maybe it is more of an uncomfortable phrase for Americans than readily thought. Many people have difficulty saying it to anyone.
Genders do play a role for sure. As a woman I have more freedom with my words in so many scenarios, this being one. If the roles were reversed he is far less likely to say it because it would be construed as romantic. I know by our interactions he understood that it meant my son and I have adopted him. If he said it, I could see some confusion. It's great to be a woman :)
I surely do yes, especially with my niece and nephew when our video chats - I tend to say what I feel so it feels normal for me.
I get what you say about the my people thing. In the military it's used a lot actually, certain parts of the military and between certain people...it's not seen as romantic of course, it's an acknowledgement of the brotherhood and is a powerful statement used when appropriate. I think there's many uses for it, but it should be used with care.
Your last paragraph...a better explanation of what I was trying to say, unsurprising considering your legitness and my knuckleheadiness. I guess, at the end of the day, one needs to decide what's appropriate at the time and hope it's received in the right way.
How about we take turns being legit and knuckleheads? I can definitely pull both off - I'm chockful of moments of brilliance and idiocy. Kind of a yin yang thing - you can be a knucklehead today and I'll be one tomorrow. It would be kind of interesting to have a set label for the day, like, today I have a free pass to do crazy stupid things; and tomorrow I've got it altogether again, but I can trust in getting to throw everything to the wind the following day. And as teammates (I promise I won't say any weird platonic I-love-you's) we could check in on each other. I'd be scanning your page like It's his knucklehead day, and I see that comment was not flippant enough. Tisk, tisk.
Now, if we are counting this post as my legit day (which is open for debate) then my next one is knuckleheaded and I'm already pretty excited about the idea. I'm thinking up-close pictures of dog noses with explanations of why they are the cutest things on earth. Damn it I'm so excited about this it almost seems legit, but I've got to be careful not to blend criteria.
Good lord I just wrote two paragraphs on that. You really shouldn't get me started;)
Share 'legitiosity and knukleheadness'?
Let me think on it for a nanosecond. Great plan!
I like the balance it provides, and, dare I say it, the opportunity that it presents. You see, on a knucklehead-day one may choose to go full-knuckle and instead of being an actual knucklehead, one may indeed be legit instead. I mean, legit on knucklehead day? Does it get any knuckleheadier? Methinks not.
Methinks also that one should use methinks more often.
Let's confirm that tomorrow is your knucklehead day although considering your tomorrow is actually my yesterday because of the time difference I have no clue what's going on...This, when today is my knucklehead-day...seems to fit right?
So, legit knuckleheaded teammates we are...I'll look forward to your dog-nose post and if any platonic I love you's spring forth let's just hope they're on the knucklehead-day of the one who says it...that makes everything ok.
Tomorrow (or today now that it is midnight) is American Thanksgiving, and I've just cleaned my entire house and made three pies - pumpkin, walnut, and cranberry. They are pieces of art and I want to stare at them lovingly for ages. The same with my clean house. I just want to bask in its complete cleanliness.
Oh I like the sound of full-knuckle. I can see myself accidentally cutting off the end during a bout of hyperactive speed talking, and turning it into full-knuck. Which sounds sort of like an Australian bird I've never heard of, and I like that too - methinks it could work to remind me to stay on task.
This comment has been a stream of consciousness but I'm not backspacing. Too tired for that. Clearly this was my knuckleheaded day, cleaning a house and making pies...what a crazy idea. I'm going to bed :)
Teammates of legit knuckles. I like the sound of that too. It makes us sound like the mafia or something.
Happy thanksgiving, I hope you folks have a really nice time and I'm not annoyed at all at the fact I'll not get any pumpkin pie...or walnut, and not at all annoyed that I'll be cranberry pieless. Ok, I'm not not annoyed...I'm annoyed! But that's ok, I'll struggle through my pieless state somehow.
Just so you know, I'm thankful to have met you, my full-knuck friend from FL.
#fullknuck #legitknucks #pieless
Sometimes I think we should bandy about "I love you" a little more.
I understand in some languages there are multiple words for love, depending on what kind of love you are talking about. Maybe there should be that! The older I have gotten, the more I say it. It just seems important.
I suppose most if it comes out when parting company, my family or friends, but a stranger could get a version of it on rare occasion for some reason. With friend's it's more like LUV YA ! ... which when you say it, you can't see how it is spelled.... ha ha
I enjoyed your post, your story and your bee photos. I'm so glad you were compelled to say those words at that very moment. Who knows, it could have been the life saving moment of his existence.
It would be an excellent idea to have more words for love in English. It could be something like I loove you for immediate family, I lave you for inclusion into the family of non-blood relatives with non-romantic intentions, and I love you for when one has decided that a man is pretty good at making French toast and you want to spend the rest of your life eating his excellent French toast, or who knows, maybe some pancakes.
Yes, the older I get the more I say it too. I think its a good sign. We are probably not going to be bitter old people - we are on track to be those wonderful old ladies that give good advice and always have chocolate chip cookies on hand.
I'm glad I said the words too. I think there is something in Buddhist philosophy that goes like "there is never any pain in showing compassion." There certainly can be pain in experiencing love, but there is very little pain in saying the words.
Thanks for stopping by. I hope you are well and that you have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your family.
That's a really cute bee. Is he brother? Cousin? Uncle? Only asking because you used I.
;)
Haha! What comes to mind is that line in Pride and Prejudice where Elizabeth Bennett says "...for I dearly love to laugh." This is not in context from that scene, but that part of the phrase applies. I do love to laugh, and I thank you :)
me too! Like a bowl full of [royal] jelly. If jelly could laugh. Maybe it just giggles.