Hi gang,
I want to thank everyone one of you for the warm welcome I've received since joining this community. It's such an amazing place where people are encouraging each other and filling this place with positive comments and support. Unlike the other social networking sites where there is such a large online population that it's hard to control content, Steemit provides a safer and less hateful atmosphere.
I am in the process of saving up money for college as I have to pay for my tuition, rent and living expenses , Steemit provides that extra money for me to spend on myself and save. Working a job that I hate which doesn't give me much and I lose on travel and other expenses , in the time of 3 months alone I changed 3 jobs, my recent one I lasted 6 days because of bullying and stress from the management.
From my recent posts I feel like there is this illusion of me having a perfect life where being "attractive" helps me receive a following and makes my life easier. I feel like a lot of the things I post are fake , as modelling is just a fake persona and my photography work is all retouched, encouraging this artificial world even more where myself and the models who's photos I post are "perfect". The reality is completely different, I am not a happy person , I don't have the fancy life self-proclaimed "models" have. I had a few paid gigs both in photography and modelling but that's about it.
I am mentally distressed and depressed, constantly hiding my real emotions as I am too ashamed to show them. I've harmed myself, I've gotten help, I was on medication and I am in a much better place now than I was at the start of the year. It's an ongoing battle and it feels even worse when there's this constant paranoia that no body will care enough about what you're going through. It's been like that for many years and growing up with hate constantly around you in your family , school etc. completely changes your perspective of the world from a young age.
I won't get into my personal details as there are some things that should not be shared with the general public but for those of you who will understand, I felt like shit for many , many years. Unable to feel happy , unable to see the "positives" in life.
Why am I talking about this online? Because I want to be a real person and not someone just behind a screen showing how "great" my life is. I want to be open about who I am and what I am.
I am a pretty quiet person, I don't go partying a lot and I like to keep to myself. I love playing video games and reading books. I'd rather have a cup of tea than go out on a weekend. I absolutely love the Harry Potter books and fascinated with how J.K. Rowling turned her life around when she was at her weakest. How strong she is to talk about her darkest past.
I'm a very honest person and I don't associate myself with people that are fake. I've disconnected myself from so many people that I used to call my friends because I am in a place of transitioning where I find out who I really am and what I want in life.
When you or your loved one are suffering from severe depression it's usually not the best choice to block off from the world. I had a lot of help on the way from some amazing people I met in my life. They guided me through, gave me advice and dropped the things they were doing when I was asking for help. You should never block people like that from your life.
It's a journey that you take alone however it's also a journey that you take along others.
As I mentioned, I'm in a much better place now than I was and it's all thanks to the amazing people I call my friends. I want to be real and honest about feelings, there are so many artificial things in our world that honesty is so rare.
Don't be the person that hides behind a smile while suffering on the inside until it's too late. Be brave. Be strong. Be YOU.
Thank you so much for reading this passage. I know its heavy but it's something I wanted to share. Please do comment as I will reply to all your comments whenever I can. Whatever it is you're going through just remember that you're not alone and there are people who will help. Kindness does exist ^_^
@eriluks where do I start? I have quite a few years on you, yet you brought up a lot I have gone through. To be truthful it does not go away so but it can be managed. I have been dealing with depression my entire life. Stemming from what? That does not matter, it is what you are going through at the moment. The past can only hold you back, one must deal with what they are feeling in the "here and now".
At an early age I learned to self medicate (alcohol & drugs), which almost killed me. Some semblance of proper thinking finally led me to seeking help at a young age (26). In my heart of hearts I knew I did not have long to live unless I sought help. The route I was on was not working, so what the heck maybe finding another way would be okay.
I been off drugs and alcohol for over 38 years now, and when anti-depressants improved I went on them and finally stayed on them. In the early days of trying medication it had too many side effects. I had coped with anxiety and panic attacks, but could deal with life in spite of it, until recent years. I now take medications for that as well.
Through it all I was able to get through undergraduate school and then graduate school, and build a great career. In the early days I was always broke, but in time things changed for the better. There are still rough patches as we walk the road through this life, but I have tools, support system, and medication to aid me.
As I got older I reached the point that I could self-actualize and did not worry about what others thought. I learned to be "real", at least to myself. I happen to pursue a career in rehabilitation and as time went on I learned to be open about what I have been through in life. It aided me in my work, and I used my intuition to know when it was okay to share and when it wasn't okay. Too many people have no clue what it is like to deal with this. And, there are too many people that are in the early stages of learning to deal with it.
In my work I was amazed at the number of people who had the same diagnosis. Some were not honest with themselves, while others were. Now that I am cutting back on my career I maintain a part time job working with youth (14 - 24), and most have some degree of depression, anxiety, and even panic attacks, along with other disabilities. This I will continue even as I cut back on my business.
I know this is long, but hope you can gain a little from it. Trust assured I will be sending you positive thoughts.
Thank you for your post. In sharing a little of me and my life's journey, it helps me. Take care @eriluks. Always be true to yourself!
Thank you so much for taking your time to comment @r2cornell and sharing a little bit of you. The medication has definitely improved and I've seen the positives that can come out of them. After a while however they started taking a completely opposite effect , it's all about finding what the right one is for you. For myself personally I quit meds and trying to deal with myself with the support I have around me as I was becoming too dependent on my medication.
I'm glad that from your personal experience you found a way of helping other people, its absolutely amazing and I really respect you for that. There is so much negativity in this world that it is people like you who help the confused souls make it a better place.
Thank you once again, and I will :)
Thanks @eriluks
Bravo @eriluks for this beautiful and honestly raw post. As someone who is not fond of letting others in, I know how hard it can be to just talk about your emotions, much less put it online for the whole world to see. I love that despite feeling that portraying a "perfect" life would help to gain you a following, you've chosen instead to be honest about yourself. I think there are many people in the Steemit community who would agree with me when I say that this just shows more of the beautiful person that you are. Forget "perfect" - you're real and that's infinitely better in my book. I hope one day you will be able to look back on these things as a source of strength. You are genuinely inspiring and you should be proud of yourself!
Thank you so much for this lovely post @imprimateur , I was a bit ashamed of having this online at first but I just wanted to be honest and not seem like someone I'm not. Its comments like yours that make me feel like posting this was worthwhile and I've received a lot of comments from lovely people here that can relate and understand what I'm talking about which makes it a lot easier. In my darkest days I had no hope for people and didn't trust anyone at all, but I can see now that there ARE nice people in the world :)
You should never be ashamed to be you! I'm glad to have played this little part in your journey =)
Such a candid post. This is why I care about you so much Erika. You're one of the REALIST people I know. I'm always on the end of the phone, and down for ice cream and banter 24/7. Remember that.
Thank you so much @condra , ice cream time soon!!!! <3
Hey Erika, thanks for sharing your experience. Hopefully talking about it with people here can help.
It's good to separate the photos that you do as a 'product', content that is produced by you and others and consumed by your readers, The photographs are not you and hopefully the Steem community can see it like that. That way you don't have to worry about it being 'fake', you can present your honest life as well as your 'content' on the same blog without feeling like you are presenting a false version of yourself.
Hi @demotruk thank you for all your amazing support! and yes I completely agree,I want people to know that it's all just a product and a persona, not a real person.
Thanks for being honest and vulnerable. I really do believe in people sharing their stories and struggles with depression and mental health really helps cut through the isolation and lies we can tell ourselves.
I always struggle with the balance between wanting to "be open about who I am and what I am." and the reality of still needing to be wise about how open and honest publicly one can or should be on the internet. So I kind of work a compromise sometimes, filtering some thoughts online anonymously and others publicly.
But I really appreciate when anyone struggling with life's dark moments stands in the light of day and says 'here I am imperfectly' . I wrote about this recently. It's probably past pay out but I don't write for the payouts so if anyone's interested I actually appreciate reads and comments. <3
Ugh this came off as a spam comment. Oh well.
totally understand about what you are trying to explain, it's hard to understand identity in a realtime, on demand world and where we fit into it. i feel overwhelmed, stressed, anxiety and get down about things a lot but i do feel this community here is one of the better ones on the web compared to most, not like the youtube trolls for instance! - all power to you for being brave. keep on keeping on!
I completely agree! I am not a huge fan of youtube, facebook nor instagram. It's all just so fake and users are even faker. Facebook makes me feel like shit about my life and instagram makes me feel shit about the way I look. They all tend to make you feel shit about something, it's all part of the addiction. We always have to remember that it's big companies running these "cool" sites, its all about money and thats it. Living your life around websites such as those makes us fickle. I love the freedom of expression on steemit and although relatively new, I hope the community stays the way it is, respectful.
hmm sounds like you had a bad run at it. if you check out my insta, you'll see it's not fake, but i understand what you mean, marketing has killed what it is, the moment facebook bought insta, that's when it really started to change drastically with staged photos and these 'lifestyle' people - like most things in life, the good stuff always finds a way to the top! :) evolution of social always in progress.. we should never forget that anti-social media also scales at the same rate. i doubt the community here will stay the same but i can tell you the majority of people i have spoken too and met are lovely.
Yeah Im not a big fan of social media although I daily use it for promotional purposes. There are many interesting social experiments you can find online about how you can create a scripted online life and create a following that will believe it. It's actually scary when you think about it. What is real and what isn't. I find the web fascinating but also terrifying. I've only been to one meeting so far and it was lovely ^_^
i've been to a lot of conferences over the years, it's only real when you meet the people behind the accounts, otherwise it's just potentially scripted, fake or AI driven. even then, when i've met the people i've realised they don't hold the same values or ethics as me. i'm just glad i had paper penpals and true human connections before social media arrived to give me a grounding about people! :)
That's amazing! and I absolutely agree , for whoever is born in the 2000's I feel so sorry for them as they are growing up in this illusion of a world where likes matter more over a sit down for a cup of coffee with a friend. I wish people wrote letters to each other again!
Feel your feelings, show your feelings and be honest with people and yourself. When I was depressed I started feeling better whenever I actually tried to feel my feelings instead of creating resistance to them. Don't be scared. Feel it. I hope to see you on steamspeak, just like @condra
That's what I learned, you need to face yourself rather than run away. It took me so darn long to learn that but I'm glad I did. I'd love to join the chat but I got an every day 11 hour shifts at work so I get tired and don't stay on the web often >_<
Reading through that post and, oh boy, did it sound familiar, haha. I don't suffer from depression, although I'm sure doctors might say otherwise (but then they have a vested interest in creating repeat customers), but I relate to pretty much everything else you mention.
Thank you for your honesty.
Thank you for reading my story @the-dagda. You don't have to feel depressed to understand the feelings I'm trying to portray, so don't feel pressured to thinking something is wrong with you because a doctor said it. I feel like people my age aren't open minded and just take in the consumerism that the businesses and media are giving, they want to be like the celebrities and the attractive people online, earn money for doing nothing. Everything is about how you look to others. I may be wrong but that's my analysis, haven't met many people in their 20's wanting to talk about anything besides parties, alcohol , drugs and what they bought in the store.
I agree completely, young people nowadays are blinded by media into becoming what I lovingly refer to as "consumer slaves", not that there's really anything wrong with that if that's how you want to live your life, but, hey, let's have a meaningful conversation that doesn't revolve around the vapid nonsense being sold to you by the master propagandists and social engineers every once and a while, haha. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh, haha.
Even my own friends (we're all in our twenties) tend to lean towards that consumerist, materialist attitude on occasion but I usually try and force them into looking at things from a different perspective. But to be fair to them, my friends are very good, it's rare when I feel disconnected from them, and we always have decent conversations.
All that being said, drugs and alcohol definitely have their uses, haha. And there are also very important conversations that need to occur regarding drugs that people just aren't having because of perceived stigmas around drug use and drug users, but that's a topic for another day haha.
Anyway, I hope I've not said too much, and remember there are always more people out there that feel the same way as you, it's just a matter of finding them.
I get what you're trying to say lol don't worry, you haven't said too much :P I think some drugs can be good and healthy but some are just completely destructive, there is a whole thing about being "cool" when taking drugs and I don't agree with that as I know its a way of escapism to most people , not something they do just because their friend is. It's not a topic I have a lot of knowledge in so I don't want to start discussing it in case I may offend someone. And yes , when you can have a meaningful conversation with a friend than the fake , nonsense chit chats that makes, me personally, feel like there is still hope lol but chit chats are nice too ^_^
Yeah, there's nothing wrong with chit chat, but when that chit chat is the revolving around the same topics day in and day out it can become quite mundane, especially when those topics are mostly about celebrity gossip and other such nonsense, haha.
I understand your reluctance to discuss drugs when you admittedly have little knowledge about the topic, most people will gladly speak about such things regardless of how much they know (I think it's because they always think they know everything). Also, I doubt your views on the subject would offend anyone.
Oh yes!!! that's exactly it! and I'm generally a really open minded person with not many fixed views as I understand that the world is filled with different opinions and perspectives, but yes a lot of intelligent people seem to think they know everything but there are so many things to learn in the world ^^ I only know about medical drugs like Gerozac fluoxetine which is an anti depressant and some others as well but that would be as far as my knowledge can take me >_<
I've been fascinated by drugs, both pharmaceutical and otherwise, from an early age so I've learned a lot about them, I could talk about them for days, haha.
But anyway you've a good head on your shoulders and this little conversation has been quite refreshing for me so thanks for putting up with my ramblings, haha.
nice read!
i do post about health, medicine and science!
check my blog at @himal!
Thank you !!! Interesting topics there, followed ^_^
you are welcome!
I struggle with depression for a while. Change the way I live my life. Got outside more stop staying by myself so much and found a group of friends who are happy not a group of friends who always cut everything down. Yes I took medication ,an vitamin D helped. Ok
Green your post made me feel better about my recovery from depression the hope that by posting and you getting to talk to people and encouragement it will help you stay strong
Thank you @monocle, I'm still fighting myself and trying to figure myself out but the few people that I have kept in my life have been amazing and I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them ^_^
That was great just you are like my girl you would understand each other she is also nice person kind not partying reading books harry potter ..........amazing just dont give up dont givin upvote for you and for you future.....would you mind to spread my fathers burger and his special recipe ? https://steemit.com/food/@mrmoneymaken/turkey-burger-own-secret-recipe-english-version thank you very much have a great day :) greetings from Amsterdam
Thank you for your lovely comment, thats a good damn burger, upvoted ^_^
thank you very much I send you few bucks of steem :-)
Oh yes I see it! thank you so much!!!! ^.^
You speak truth sweet @eriluks - beauty does not necessarily equate to the elusive happiness. The grass is always greener for those of us humans with over active analytical brains in a world which operates on warp drive and only moving faster. I often think to myself that 47 years is way way way too long to be on this planet especially in this, my personal life. I would not wish this struggle on anyone. It hasn't gotten easier as I have completely lost what little I ever had. I understand I won't get another 'great' job or 'great' car like I once had....nor will I ever have a home of my own - as I result I will never get the girl (far too late in life). So I relate to your feeling to voice the pain and I hope you find peace. It is a struggle especially in this world for me as I have no family or anyone close, I mis-managed every relationship I ever had without understanding how. I remain optimistic and, after losing hope in love, then humanity, then myself - I still retain that faith of a mustard seed for the purpose and beyond that can only be better than life with a 'pretty face' or stack of silver, etc . . .
I'm so sorry to hear about your pain @lanceman. My grandmother died when she was only 50 and she constantly told me that she doesn't want to live longer, she got what she wanted. I never understood as a kid why she didn't want to be alive because the world seemed like a good place when you're young, when you grow up though things turn to grey. It's hard staying optimistic in a place like that, especially when you're all alone. I am blessed to have amazing friends even if its just a few people I can count on my hand, as well as a loving partner, If I didn't have that I wouldn't be here right now as I am too weak of a person to do it all on my own. I hate the idea of being connected to other people , I was always the loner , the "strong" , lone wolf, but I realize now that its that way of thinking that messed me up. You don't need to be looking for these people, they somehow just find their way in when you need them the most...and stay there for good :)
Very brave to share this kind of things, the truth I also go through a stage of depression, one day I end up lying in bed without wanting to get up and that time passes and that everything that bothered me has passed but it was a moment of light That made me take me from that bed and continue and I hold on to her as her was my oxygen tank to this day I keep going forward although sometimes there are episodes of depression, advice always keep moving.
Thank you for your lovely comment @chorudito3 , I had those days way too many times when I lived by myself , now that I live in the same room as my partner he brings me back to reality and looks after me. Everyone gets depressed at some points in their lives, and I wish I was one of those people that could only have it for a short term . However the positive that I learnt though this is, it made me stronger and a person that is real. I can be proud of who I am.
POWER TO YOU for opening up - sometimes we just have to be honest and embrase the things we do not want to talk about and believe that there are always people who cares - good luck on your journey - wonderful post and stunning pics
following - a brave girl like you with so much talent deserves a follow
Thank you so much for your lovely words!!!
I love the raw honesty here and being that transparent with people is going to let you go far in life. Just a shot in the dark here do you stream while you play games? Some people do amazing with this but it takes time. You could also couple it into some game posts here on steemit.
Thank you! and I have a twitch account if you want to check it out but I only streamed once, I want to get into it but I get way too anxious while on camera ...I know for a model its bizarre ! I will be doing a variety of posts hopefully when I get a chance again as my days will be filled with 11 hour shifts at work :(
This is my twitch :
Hi😄
Hello ^_^
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STOPThanks for being so lovely and transparent.Many of us go through this in this journey of life.Stay strong.Ifind your diet helps Eat lots of fresh fruits and vegs.
Get outdoors and smell the roses as they say and you will feel much better.My
faith in my creator keeps me in a positive frame of mind also because Iknow Iam on this earth for a reason .Thanks again for being transparent.