Low moods
Most of us are familiar with them - those moments that things just really suck. Something happens, and you feel disappointed, angry, upset, irritated, annoyed. And you feel this is the only response you are capable of, and you also feel that for your mood or energy to shift, you need someone or something, some help to overcome the situation.
In general, when you are in a moment like that, do you tend to appreciate it? Well, not me. When an incident and a mood like that occur, I tend to be annoyed even about being annoyed. But in a way, every low moment is an opportunity, a certain kind of opportunity that really only comes with going through a moment just like that. And once you get the hang of understanding a low moment as an opportunity, and using that opportunity also, the resistance we have to low moments itself drops away.
So what is this little secret of appreciating a low mood, how can we understand a moment of frustration as an opportunity? I'll start with this small example of how it DOESN'T work.
How it DOESN'T work
The other Sunday, we had a day of Ultimate Frisbee matches, playing three games against three other Ultimate teams from all over Netherlands. We have a day like that once every month, it's part of the Dutch competition for Ultimate. So last time we played in Eindhoven (long drive!) and when it comes to sport and especially playing with my team, I want to perform well. We started our first game, and I was in a handlers position, means with the two other handlers we set up the game and try to move the disc up the field either by passing it up and down between handlers, or making more meters by moving the disc two a player from the stack who makes an incut or goes deep. That's a lot of technical stuff maybe, I have some posts specific on Ultimate if you'd like to understand the game more. Anyways, moving on the example of what NOT to do in a low moment.
Right in the first point of the first game, I made a stupid drop when I wanted to pass the disc to another handler. The other team went on offence and scored and we got behind 0 - 1. I stayed on the field, and when the other team passed the disc to our side of the field so we could start on offence for the next point (known as the pull), I wanted to catch it. In outdoors Ultimate, either you catch the pull and continue the play, or you let it drop and pick it up. But if you touch it and don't catch properly, it's a turn and the other team goes on offence. So either you have a 100% certainty you'll catch the pull, or you let it drop and pick it up. And well, you're probably guessing it - in that second point I dropped the pull. Means the other team had the disc almost delivered to them in the endzone, and they had a super easy score getting us behind 0 - 2.
Total frustration
Sooo... At that point. I was SUPER annoyed with myself. And like an angry little kid I got off the field and went and stood in some corner being angry at myself and wanting to go home that very moment and sulking and making angry faces at myself and all of that.
My team played the next point and scored, then one of the other girls on the team saw me in my lonely corner and came and gave me a hug and told me not to be upset, it happens, no problem, etc. And then our trainer came over and did the same and ensured me everyone has done a pull drop at least once in their lives, etc. And they cheered me up, and I got over it, at least a little. And the point after I played again, and as the day continued I didn't really play so bad and actually got to really enjoying being on the field with the team. So - things worked out, right? Well, maybe, in a way. But from the perspective of this post, that low moment was an opportunity I completely missed.
Just FYI - that first match we lost by two points. It was quite an even match, and well of course it got me wondering if we would've won the game if it wasn't for my two major mess-ups at the start. But we'll never know ;). The second match was an easy win for us, third was a tie where we lost on universe point. Which was a good enough performance to keep us in division we were already in.
The husband
When I was over in my lonely corner, being upset, a friend and our trainer came over and cheered me up. But (if you've read my earlier posts you'll know) my husband is also on the same team, and was also playing those points, seeing exactly the mistakes I made and for sure also the faces I made as I was being angry with myself. But he didn't come over to cheer me up. What!? Bad husband, right? Lol. Actually not.
When we got home later that day - completely exhausted, playing 3 games of 70 minutes is just tough - we discussed it. And he just reminded me of his idea about the situation, which is actually also my idea of the situation. That is, when I decide to bring some awareness to the matter. He told me something like: no way I'm going to come to comfort you when you are getting yourself upset. You are smart enough to know that behaving like a little kid has no use at all, and you are strong enough to shift your mood according to your will, by decision, instead of depending on others or something from the outside for you to feel better! TOTALLY true, of course.
Harsh?
When it comes to discussing our emotional responses, I've found that taking examples from situations in sport really helps to clear things up. If you're like me, than in sports I can really get so involved that my emotions go all over the place. But also, because it is just sports, I can reflect on those responses and realise that it is all just a game. Which is maybe true for most of life (it all being a game), but in sports it is extra obvious. If I had gotten upset because my mom had hurt my feelings, or because my colleague didn't deliver the work she promised, or because my husband didn't take out the trash... then it is more easy to complicate the matter, thinking there is some fault with the other person or thinking we have a right to feel the way we do. The above example I gave, of me messing up the first two points of our Ultimate game and then getting upset, keeps things nice and simple. It was ME getting upset, ME being annoyed, ME deciding to go and sulk in that corner of the field. And although we tend to get confused and mix things up when situation seem to be more complicated, the heart of the matter will always be that when we are in a low moment, it is US, OUR inner space that is effected. Making us personally responsible. What we experience in our inner space is the consequence of a decision WE made.
Was it harsh of my husband not to come over and cheer me up? Well, no! Because he knows what I know, which is that the way I feel is the consequence of a decision I made. It might take some time to build that kind of awareness, but if you watch yourself closely there is ALWAYS a moment where you decide to enact a certain mood. It might sound a bit stupid, but in a way there was a moment when I decided for myself - and NOW I'm going over there, to that corner, and I'm going to sulk. I decided for my mood. So what is the best way to shift your mood? By deciding for a different mood! One thing my husband could have done was come over, and remind me of this insight that we have both been practicing in our lives again, and again, and again, and again. Because for some reason or the other, at that precise moment I had kind of lost it. Which also doesn't matter - the patience to remind yourself of insights like these again and again without getting annoyed is one of the best tools we can have in life.
Muscle building
Low moods are an opportunity. For building a certain kind of muscle. Not the ones we use for running and catching the disc ;). But the muscle of our will, of our decision making, our will power. If something stupid happens in your day, and you get angry, upset, disappointed - a low mood. Then if you think you need someone or something to make things right again, you are giving the control of your mood and your inner space out of your own hands. But, if you recognise you are in a low mood, if you recognise you got into that mood by your own decision and that it is your own decision which can make you switch moods again, then something completely different happens. You've just used a low moment as an opportunity to build your awareness, to build the power of your will. If all you require to create the inner space you want is your will, then how does that make you feel? It makes you feel powerful! It makes you unafraid for your own low moods, because you'll realise that any change of mood is just a decision away! And when your moods can change according to your decision, you'll realise you are more than your emotional ups and downs. You are more than your mood.
Next time a low mood occurs, try it out. Try to decide to quit your anger, to quit your frustration, to quit your sulking or disappointment just by choice. Not based on what others do to help you, not based on how the situation changes. Change your mood, just because you realise that a low mood will not support you in creating the reality you wanted. And that a low mood and all the hormones that flood your system in times of anger and frustration are actually bad for you and your health. Quit your anger and frustration with your will. It will be the most empowering and most freeing experience you can ever get from a low mood. It is THE opportunity that a low moment has in store for us, and which we should definitely take advantage of whenever we can!
Remembering
I've practiced this a lot, and then on moments that it counts, I still forget sometimes. Like on that day of Ultimate. Doesn't matter, just go back to remembering. The more you put this into practice, the more you'll see how useful it is and doing it can become second nature.
Hope this makes you more excited about those low moments! Haha, lol. Let me know what you think of this perspective on low moods and if it helps at all to work with them in this way. Thanks for reading and your upvotes, comments and follows!
As always, pictures and contents are mine and Steemit originals.
This is a great piece! It's great to have a partner who wants you to grow and not 'just go with your whatever mood' - love is about trying to make each other grow into (even) better human beings. From what I read here you have a great husband!
Thanks :). I know, he is a great husband. When situations like that occur, it isn't always easy, because a part of us (the spoiled child part, probably) just really wants that attention. It takes a strong partner not to give in to that demanding attitude. I think it helps we've both seen this clearly, discussed it a lot. So that we can help remind each other :)
Thank you for sharing this great post - it really gives you a new perspective on our valuable negative moods that we should embrace as opportunities to get stronger in our willpower, without relying on the outside to make us feel well again.
Thanks! That's exactly the perspective I was hoping to share :). It really adds to being a confident human being and not to be so impressed by our mood swings. Even if it makes sense, it can still be a challenge to put into practice. When the mood swings happen, they are often very convincing and we forget we can do something about them. But every time we do remember, it makes our ups and downs a little easier to handle :)
@amritadeva, Great post. I think sports is a really good example, because like me i can get really competitive and you want to give it your best. If then it doesnt go the way one hopes frustration kicks in and you can get caught up in the momement together with all your frustrations and emotions. changing your mood at your own will can be very hard, but i think it makes it easier if you give your self another change to give it another shot and try again and focus on a positive outcome. Have a great day.
Exactly! Maybe thinking you have to 'change your whole mood' might feel like a too big thing to do. But if we just take some small action, like giving ourselves another chance, that will probably do the trick! It's definitely more convenient to story it to yourself in such a way that it seems like something you are easily up to :). Great comment, thanks!
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Awesome!! Big thanks to @fingersik :)