As a person who has basically recovered (mostly, I think) from Borderline Personality Disorder and codependence myself, watching someone you love go through the process can be an extremely painful thing.
"Borderline Personality Disorder" is a name for a condition which is generally just a huge, oppressive feeling that you suck and that also everybody unfairly hates you. You feel left out, inferior, and angry because you know you are "not as bad as everyone thinks I am!" This is a very colloquial way to describe it, but it honestly is hell for the individual experiencing it, and this is basically what it felt like, to me.
It is a cry for unconditional love, or the "unconditional positive regard" that we are meant to receive from our parents as children.
If your parents were staunch authoritarians, or emotionally damaged themselves, they may have required for you to act certain ways in order to receive their "love" and approval. If you didn't act in those prescribed ways, they may have chastised you, or worse, cut you off from their emotional presence and positive regard. They may have given you the cold shoulder. They may have told you--whether implicitly or explicitly--how "bad," inferior, and undesirable you are.
How I came out of the "hell-pit."
I had a bad bout with depression a few years ago, much of which stemming from the toxic mindset I described above, and my wife yelled at me in frustration one day, WE CANNOT LIVE IN YOUR HELL!
She was right.
Years ago I had a couple of friends who, whether or not they meant to, helped me immensely on my road to healing.
I was in a three-piece band, and we all lived, breathed, ate, slept, and worked together. We were like brothers. Stuff would happen, though, and I would often feel left out, unwanted, and misunderstood. Sometimes there were good reasons for this. other times there were not.
The band, in Los Angeles.
When you have BPD, the smallest trigger can set off an explosion of all the anger, sadness, and hurt you have been holding in, and you might go on a tirade about all the "wrongs" you have been keeping track of, that the other person has done to you.
YOU PUT THE MAYONNAISE BACK IN THE WRONG SPOT IN THE FRIDGE!!!!!!!!
TRANSLATION: You don't love me and I am still wondering why you didn't invite me to go to the movies last week with everybody else. You putting the mayonnaise back there where you know I don't keep it proves you don't care about my needs and are an asshole beyond help and I fucking hate you!
I used to be extremely critical of my two friends. They didn't understand the pain I was dealing with. One day, one of these friends gave me a book about BPD. I felt insulted, but I read it anyway. Slowly but surely, over the years I began to realize that people were not either "all good" or "all evil" and that everything they did or said was not a reflection of my self-worth. In short, I began to accept myself, and to not have my feelings of positive self-regard be codependent on the passing whims and opinions of others.
When we are kids we look to our parents for approval.
If unconditional positive regard and love are mirrored back to us in their eyes, we grow to like ourselves. If disapproval and criticism is the constant, we remain utterly and painfully dependent on the perceived "approval" of others, even into adulthood. We are constantly looking to "mommy" and "daddy" in the others. We are constantly looking to "God" in the preacher, or "truth" in the teacher.
The anger comes from knowing this is a self-imposed hoax and a scam. The frustration and helpless feelings come from not being able to escape the conviction that the hoax and scam may not be a hoax and scam, but that your parents, your god, your teachers and preachers may actually be right, and you might actually, in all reality, be "bad."
So, for those of you struggling through this, I write this:
You are an invaluable, inimitable, unique and wonderful human being on this planet. You do not need anyone's approval because you already have the approval of life itself. The road out of this hell is a long one, and to some degree or another, never ends, but as you ascend and see the nature of your hallucination, you will be empowered, and see that the world is, although dangerous and risk-laden often times, a sensible, logical and beautiful place, and that the nightmare of your inadequacy was just a short circuit put into place a long time ago. It is not too late to set it straight and start again.
You can do this! You are the shit! You are life, itself! And all the love in the universe is yours.
Though you may wish to push away those that claim to love you, because you can't believe them when they say so, and though you may wish to test their "phony love" by pushing them to the limits with insults and all sorts of emotional attacks, it is my hope that you will turn that mirror around, and see that truly you are only attacking yourself. Fuck what the people in the past may or may not have thought of you. You are born again, and I want to be the first to say...
happy birthday.
(images in this post are my own, from morguefile.com, and/or fair use.)
~KafkA
Graham Smith is a Voluntaryist activist, creator, and peaceful parent residing in Niigata City, Japan. Graham runs the "Voluntary Japan" online initiative with a presence here on Steem, as well as Facebook and Twitter. (Hit me up so I can stop talking about myself in the third person!)
You brought me nearly to tears.
Wow! Thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing this.
At least you know that you are doing better for your own child, and working on improving yourself.
All the best!
Thank you :)
I agree with everything in your article. Many people go through this daily. Parenting style plays a huge role in every aspect.
Great read.
That was a powerful story Kaf, I applaud you for revealing a personal story of yours. People need to know they are not alone in feeling this way. Thanks :)
I have bpd from a very severe childhood trauma and I've gone to classes for a few months then I quit I was ok for a while with the tools I learned but this past year I have forgotten everything. I'm back to being super impulsive from 0 to 60 in half a second I delete ppl off my phone and Facebook then months later want them back. I can let someone out of my life for good even though I've known them my whole life. I hate being this way but I am starting dbt classes again in a couple weeks I need to for me and my husband. I look at all you put in this steem and it's just so sad. I wish this didn't exist it's hell peace to you and your family
@cecirod1218 :) same way I always removed people off my Facebook than back and forth and I could not explain it and now I won't go on there at all . I am sorry for what you went through :((( I agree this stuff should not exist at all. but the suck truth is it does . :(((
I want to get off Facebook but my family begs me not to because they want to see pictures and things but I really want off I like this much better. I'm sorry you go through it to ppl don't understand how we can just let then go Just like that when they've hurt us our we think they did it's crazy
I understand completely . it took my Husband many years to get me to stop going back to it , That was my to go to spot when I was upset or whatever or felt guilty for not letting the monsters in my life so I came running back but finally I found this and Steemit is my strength :))
I love steemit even the not many ppl look at my steems it still feels great to write them. I'm am invalid and I've always wanted to share my stories and now I can, if one person likes it I am happy somebody did
I am the same way . i look at it this way . at les I was able to get my feelings out in a healthy way :)) This is my Therapy lol ::))
Mine too! I'm glad I saw your page have a good night and thank you for responding
I really appreciate that, @cecirod1218. Thank you. Peace to you and yours as well.
Well done for recognizing the distress your problem can cause to your loved ones and for working so hard to overcome it. I know someone with similar behavior patterns and it's nice to see the personal perspective and struggle of someone going through this.
Wow, thanks for this post. Very thought provoking and inspiring. Its weird how many parallels I can see with what youve written and my own experience in life and relationships. I often end up sabatoging my relationships by cheating and chasing rushes, or simply abuse myself with drugs and alchohol and push the people that love me away. I really wish to stop this terrible cycle and hopefully looking into this a bit more will help.
I suffered from extreme childhood abuse both physical and emotional from both parents. I was majorly convinced that i had BPD for many years. I've been diagnosed bipolar type 1 rapid cycler, ptsd, mdd....i could write you a damn book about it. I feel i prob just have ptsd borderline. I feel mdd and ptsd go hand in hand. Of course I'm going to be majorly depressed about the many things that cause me to have ptsd and basically have a startle response, can't sleep in the bed with another person, beddoor has to be locked with a bell on it, etc etc etc. Constantly on edge, worried about the worst case scenarios, constantly feeling upset people don't take me seriously, or freaking appreciate anything i do. Its tough. Very tough. The internal dialogue alone could drive you crazy. Instead I've somehow managed to basically barrage my way through life. But I'm dysfunctional as fuck. Have a hard time trusting all people and am paranoid. Many of the deep core problens are from the developmental phases. If those didn't occur i would just have "regular depression " from a couple awful things that happened post developmental stage unrelated to my parents. I'm blabbering. Its hard to find someone who can get this i could relate to a lot of what you were saying. And yes, we are basically fucking ourselves. I know I've cut peopke out of my life for no good reason before. To me it was tangible but no one else saw it that way. So now to avoid continued rejection i have gave up trying to get people to understand. This is just how my life is I guess. I am trying to improve. Its hard. Thanks for posting this
I am also diagnosed bipolar type 1 rapid cycler, ptsd . was abused in my childhood in different forms :( I am sorry you went through this
I am sorry you also did :( following you. We just gotta keep STEEMING on
I followed you as well :)) It is nice to know that someone really does understand but I am sad of why they do . Yes Differently let's just keep STEEMING ON :))
@chelsea88 My first Blog I did I put up my poem about how I felt that awful night . It is called "" Shattered Dreams"" if you are interested in it :))
I'm totally gonna read it
Thank you sweetie ::)) most reads and I am not sure they understood it , nobody said anything about it
Happy Birthday.
I share a lot of what you describe, but didn't have the parental shit you did.
I just grew up wondering why so many people around are such fucking self centered assholes.
I still wonder that, but now I have a place to vent and I've found some other people who aren't such self centered assholes.
You can't escape the trap until you realize you're in it.
@Kafkanarchy84 Happy Birthday :)) Thank you for sharing this :) I also live with a personality disorder . it is not easy nor fun . and most people just run soon as you say anything close to it , like if they can catch it :(( My hubby is the only one who ever stood by me and I still feel like the world is against me . and everything you said , is me too the T .. I been trying to get out of this rat hole but Honestly don't know how , and when I think of away , I don;t try because I am afraid of going back ::)) Thanks for sharing :)) I upvoted and Re-steemed I am sorry you had to go through this :(((
Cheers, @westerngurl. I hear you. Thanks for this comment, and for the support. It ain't easy for us, that's for sure, but I know we can do it. You can do it.
You are Welcome and Thank you . appreciate you sharing your story and letting us know that we are not a lone , and you helping support ing us . gives us hope that we will be okay :)
I wrote a poem about how I felt as a child if you want to take a look at it . I can send you link :)
Sure, that'd be great. Thanks!
https://steemit.com/poetry/@westerngurl/shatter-dreams Thank you :)
A well written article..I agree with your view point which will help fellow members with such issue-thanks for sharing.. upvoted and following for more..keep it up
Truth be told, that would be me, too.
Great post! As the product of 2 alcoholic parents who referred to myself and my brother as 'the accidents', I can identify with those feelings of anger and inferiority. Put so eloquently by Philip Larkin......"They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself"
Haha. Ouch! Dat is dark. Well, I can appreciate it, but am certainly glad I did have one. It is kicking the BS out of me in all the best ways, and has taught me something beyond words. Cheers!
and he looks like a jolly little guy. You must be doing something right.
excellent post Kaf, upvoted and following you already. am new and with such posts am certain am in the right place for wonderful storyline...however, i think it boils down to our parents to ensure they do the needful and take care of those lovely kids God gave them, also the community has a role to play to watch carefully kids who are abused and ensure they dont feel left behind. am going to send a lot of similar but diverse health tips as such you have a follower and a future friend in me, hope you follow me so we can learn from our rich contents...all the best
Also Happy Birthday @kafkanarchy84
You, too ;)
Amazing post man. I can definitely relate. It's given me some better ideas on how to spend my day as well. I've been stressin too hard lately.
Really glad to hear that, @shredlord. Thanks.
I agree with almost all the words you have mentioned. It was a very sensitive post for me.
I am so glad that I decided to run a search for BPD posts on steemit. One of my many reason for joining was in hopes to find a place where I could express myself and talk about my struggles as I hopefully improve, without comments like "stop feeling sad and get over it". Because it is that simple, right? When I tell the people around me that I want to change, they expect immediate results that I know I can not give. It never fails to make me feel like even more of a failure. Thanking for posting this. It gives me some motivation that I can get a better handle on my BPD.
You totally can. Just takes time. You should post about your journey on here maybe. You might be a guiding light to others as well.
Good luck, and thanks for sharing this!
From my personal experience borderline personality disorder should be renamed entitled child disorder
With an attitude such as this, I am skeptical that any sort of healing would be possible.
WOW Absolutely amazing!
Thanks for taking time to put effort into your post it really means alot <3
Thank you for sharing. I just really wish caregivers could realise the responsibility they hold. As a mother these stories make me cry. I want to hold each and everyone of you until the pain goes away.
It is a tremendous responsibility, indeed. Thanks so much for your compassion.
Were you officially diagnosed? If so, when? Reading this i'm able to deduce that you were completely in the dark for a long time, you're lucky to have friends wiser than most. I've been diagnosed with something similar in my early adolesence and ever since i'm dealing with issues you described on a daily basis, but now i am fairly experienced and efficient in minimizing the damage to both myself and other. I will be writing a series of, hopefully helpful, artices on how to regulate and stay in control of your emotions by practicing , lets say, less obvious stuff. Hope you'll stay healthy and functional. Keep it up
This was a fascinating read and for you to have so much insight into your own BPD is awesome. Parenting has such an impact on your personality as an adult and we instantly look to adults for unconditional love and to seek approval. My mother had mental health issues when I was younger and was quite a selfish parent. We were often rejected in favour of alcohol and adult fun. I am still extremely hurt now by rejection but have learned to control my emotioms on the whole just by having insight into my own state of mind.... its a powerful tool having personal insight..... love yourself so that others can love you too.
Am following you. Found your blog fascinating.... I'm a new fan xxx
This was a very touching article. Even though I don't think I have BPD, I relate to the symptoms a lot. I have ended relationships or thought people were monsters because I failed to setup boundaries.
I liked this yesterday but didn't have time to comment. It was too good not to so here I am this morning, commenting!
First I want to thank you and tell you how humbling it is to see your willingness to be vulnerable !
My late husband had BPD and it was a real struggle to live with him to be honest. His method of trying to push me away was extreme outbursts of rage on a nearly daily basis. Then run out and by me something and promise never to do it again.
His therapist gave me a book to read to try to help me understand how this man who truly did love me could be so incredibly cruel! I remember the title "I Hate You Don't Leave Me". I can't say I remember much, if anything in the book now...he has been gone over 15 yrs. But at the time I read the book it made sense out of his behavior, which helped in the understanding of it, however not in the living with it.
He said he wanted to change and was trying to take steps to help himself when he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He passed away less than 6 months after his diagnosis. I will never know if he would have succeeded or not. So it is a blessing to see that those who want help, want to change, truly can!
It may seem odd for a perfect stranger to tell you how happy they are for you but I honestly am! He knew his struggle was real, and I can imagine yours was as well. So knowing you are free from that, well at least mostly ;-) is incredible and I applaud you and wish you much happiness, peace and success in your life!
loved ur article karkanarchy84, have u heard of sick building syndrome I think this article is important https://steemit.com/health/@whitedolphin/is-your-building-making-you-sick#comments
Thanks for the article, i'll read the whole thing later. I talked to my psychiatrist this week and asked him if there was anything he would change about my treatment. He seems to think my primary DX is wrong, I've been living under the assumption for 13 years that I had Bipolar type 2. We are now working on a new DX since I'm on 3 anti-depressants and I'm still depressed but haven't experienced any real mania. We are looking at a possible borderline personality disorder, and PTSD. I've somewhat dealt with my anger in everyday normal life, but it seems when I have to spend time with my parents Captain In-Rage-O wants to come out and play.
I look forward to more of your insights.
Seth
Thank you for writing and sharing this. It's what I needed to read this morning. Recently I figured out that I might have BPD and my bf has been having a hard time understanding and dealing with me.
Thank you.