I have to hide my true self.
It just so happened that I was constantly losing my friends. It's like a curse was put on me.
Judging by the reviews from former colleagues and friends, I was a "nice and friendly person who was always willing to help."
However, constantly all these friends ceased to be friends with me, for no reason. They just stopped communicating, no quarrels, no disagreements and other things!
I had a lot of friends ... But our paths diverged.
In my childhood I had friends, but my family moved to another city, and I lost my friends. In the new city, I made new friends. I had one close friend. Even his move to another part of the city has not prevented us from seeing each other every weekend. And one day, he was taken into the army. And one day, his aunt came to me, and said that he is no more, he was killed when he was on sentry duty ...
People ignore me constantly on the Internet, too. On any website, forum. I try to communicate, start a dialogue, and all people just ignore me. Suffice it to ask someone about something, write, and so on, and no response.
It's as if I did not exist.
I am always open and friendly, and in return I receive arrogance against me or they completely ignore me.
This is what hurts the self-assessment.
I have no one to talk, no one to share the news with. Not one to ask for help. When I die, nobody will notice.
I change people!
I've got one property ... when a person begins to communicate with me, he is beginning to change. He begins to listen to the music that I like. He begins to lead a similar lifestyle. In general, people change for the better. From this, I feel somehow enhanced. And apparently, it has become another man moves away from me and goes his own way. As the chicks leave the nest as adults. Other explanation I can find.
Childhood
At school I was a "whipping boy".
Endured constant insults, humiliation. Every day for 3 years. The school was torture for me. I did not like school, sometimes skipped lessons to avoid it all. Of course, it has affected my level of education, I studied badly.
And also, my eyesight began to deteriorate, I did not see what was written on the blackboard. And when I admitted that I had bad eyesight, meant even more exposure to ridicule. In addition, due to health problems, but rather due to an error from talentless doctors, I had to take some strange drug. What it was I do not know, but I remember that I had to take these pills with milk. At first, nothing happened ... but then I wanted to eat every 5 minutes, I could not stop! I suffered from hunger! And accordingly, I gained weight. Needless to say, that became more humiliation for me.
Perhaps it is karma. After all, before all this, I, too, along with all, mocked other classmates. Well now I know, I deserve it all.
It all ended when I graduated from high school. I changed just for the summer. Completely changed! I was starving and had grown very thin. Enrolling in college, I stopped being afraid of the people because they did not know who I was at school. Former classmates simply did not recognize me in the street. I became a different person. I started a new life with a clean slate.
I'm for searching myself.
Punk.
One day on one local forum, I found an ad that a punk rock band was looking for a drummer. I do not know why, or what came over me, or how my subconscious played a role, but I wrote to them that I am ready to join them.
In those years, I liked punk rock. But I did not know how to play the drums! However, I had an ear for music and rhythm. Since childhood, I remember I loved playing improvised drums.
At the first rehearsal something happened. But, of course, I played really disgusting. I liked that I was with other people. I liked all the socializing after the rehearsals, but the rehearsals themselves I sometimes disliked.
I was getting the feeling that my lack of skill playing the drums was getting the band down. The band broke up after 2 years, played three songs in one of the amateur concerts. I still blame myself for failing them. But communicating with them gave me pleasure.
Church of Satan.
I've never been religious.
One day it so happened that I was carried by some away articles and the book "Church Satan" that I found on the Internet. So I soon became well versed in the sect (I still keep granted by them, the so-called "certificate" as a memory). And then, I began to take an active and more active role in this church.
I was the first who made an unofficial website, for which I was honored with awards and praise. I was the first who wrote a skeptical analysis of the Bible. And my critiques were very popular! Actually, thanks to them that I became known.
And then I began to get to know ones of the elders. With me, I remember, I spoke to some journalists, a student who wrote some work, theologians, members of the new sect, and anyone with an interest. Probably because I was often on the network. After all, I have never been a part from the college and at home, and did nothing.
But then, I and several other members became disillusioned, and I left the sect.
And then there were various attempts to find myself, I was changing lifestyles and views on life.
Why did I write this? All of the above has given me some experience in dealing with people and the ability to understand who I am and why, to find my place in life.
Pagan Old Believers tried invite me to come, and then I almost became a skinhead.
"What people call life - just a game, but this game is sometimes instructive, and all that it teaches - only lessons from which to borrow wisdom, therefore, ought to live." (C)
Loneliness gave me the alternative to communion, namely: I read a lot of books, of which learned many new things from psychology, philosophy, spirituality and languages.
Have you noticed that being in society and when in the company of others, you do not crave training or self-development? I see this for myself when my brother visits me. I do not read books, I do not ponder any situation and theory, I just talk and spend time with my brother. Loneliness provides an incentive for development. With the help of loneliness, you really will begin to appreciate the friendship and fellowship.
This can be compared with food delicacies. If you eat delicacies every day, they will cease to be so desirable and unusual, and they will become commonplace.
Now.
My current way of life is very similar to Tantric Buddhism, although it is not defined by that as it has no name, and does not need to be defined as such.
Sometimes it's painful and unpleasant to look at people.
I understand why they are themselves, why they have such a way of life, but I do not want to be like them and be with them in the same company. I do not like it.
I never offend for a reason, I never attack, and I do no harm.
Empathy - what distinguishes us from animals.
I value every life, no matter what that life is.
I do not accept what most people love.
I do everything consciously, extracting meaning and benefits from the experience.
For example, I have a meal. I do not eat garbage food, because it does not give to my body anything useful, since it does not contain nutrients.
I do not drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes or do drugs.
And that is why people around me laugh or look at me quizzically. They say that I'm lying, sick, abnormal, or "mother does not allow". They say, "in life need one needs to try everything!"
But none of them for some reason, do not try, for example, quantum physics, a healthy lifestyle, or Buddhism.
In life, need to not only try, but also try not to try!
I do not live with the people, but I live among the people.
If only you knew how hard all of this is ... I have to hide it all, and to adapt to the "generally accepted norms", in order not to be mocked.
I feel somehow alien among the people. I have to wear a mask to resemble the people and not be detected.
"No pyramids of authority.
Master has an older brother, nothing more. And he just does the hard work that the others do not overpower. If it is otherwise, then trouble is inevitable.
Authority - this is a mistake "(c).
If you have read Orwell's novel "1984" or watched the same film, you know, all this is happening in my country.
People poisoned by propaganda, people are trying to survive, they are afraid of the authorities and freedom.
All this is laid bare and exacerbated in human animal instincts. The principle of flocks. Not like us - the enemy is dangerous, you need to avoid, or to die.
The population cannot tolerate dissent, any manifestation of freedom, something different from their lifestyle and worldview. In connection with this, people with a different lifestyle, look, worldview and way, becomes an object of ridicule, an outcast, a threat, an enemy.
It's not comfortable for me to live here. But leave (until the border has not yet closed) there is no possibility. It is very expensive, and I make incredibly low wages, and wages continue to fall, while food and services continue to rise in price.
How I would like live in a free country! Be yourself, do not hide anything, not trying to make excuses for my views and lifestyles.
Maybe relocation to another country could change something in me, but I notice, positive emotions in me less and less and I feel less joy and desire to live.
-Secret Writer
Images and gifs: All images are by Stellabelle, all gifs are from giphy.com.
Secret writer, your life, as has evolved up to now, has made you who you are.
If you had a social life like most others, you wouldn't be able to self-develop to the degree that you have.
A day has only 24 hours. And how we spend it is different. You spent it in self-development, and continue to do so. There'll come a time when you'll use the advantage of this self-development that others don't have because they were partying or socializing. It's just the way finite time is. Each one invests somewhere and gets a certain reward. Your rewards will be unique, because you have a divergent path. And that will set you apart in areas that will boggle the mind of others.
It is as it should be. If you were to view yourself from a timeless state you would understand why every single step of your life was necessary to make you what you will become. And in that understanding, you would change nothing.
"In life, need to not only try, but also try not to try!"
It's perfect... I love it!
@pierce-the-veil: I too had the blessing of a prolonged expansive period of study, and I also share your pain as to feeling "alien" to this planet.
Although, that feeling may be more accurate than we both may realize.
Really liked this post so I up-voted with my "super awesome minnow power",
Keep on trucking @stellabelle.
Best of Luck,
@pierce-the-veil
To the secret writer: perhaps this community could help you.
Very interesting.
Thats just the fare you pay for enlightenment.
These paradigms of your past are void.
Once you "see thru" there is no way of "make it unseen" again.
And when you look around, what are you missing?
Love yourself and the way things are going for you, the freedom from unkind thoughts.
You were picked from the millions of the clueless.
You were born under that star, you decide whether its to your comfort, or a burden. Its a test, every day.
Enjoy it, adjust to it. Mother nature is always by your side to pick you up.
Wow!
I feel very inspired to comment on this post for many reasons. I will attempt to communicate that clearly and concisely here~
Firstly I know there are MANY people out there who feel unheard/unseen and are even scared of being heard or seen because if they were they would be mocked or bullied.
I can relate to this as when I was a child I was so scared of social situations that the only class I ever failed was speech class. I had a passing grade because I did ALL the homework, all the tests and even ALL the extra credit. Yet she still failed me because "This is speech class and you can't pass without a speech".
The next year when I had to take it again I tried to do the speech. I got up to the platform and was so dizzy I couldn't stand, my vision was black and I had to hold onto the table to keep from falling. I muttered a few words before forgetting everything. I was literally TERRIFIED of being heard and seen.
The next thing I would like to mention is that I LOVE your reference to how people say "you have to try everything or everything should be tried once" yet how many people try meditating, or fasting, or living without buying things from a store? People like to promote and preach about what they like and then ridicule or argue what they don't like. I guess this is another good reason to be scared of being "real".
What I have found is that less is actually more. When I gave up the material world and even the social world (friends, family, people), when I started fasting, reading, writing, meditating and truly detoxing the poison of humanity in my veins, I began to get clear,I began to heal. I began to actually find my AUTHENTIC self. What I have actually found is that the part of my self that was scared was not actually my authentic self. It was the judged idea of my self.
Once I found my true self i was no longer scared of being seen!
I used to try and fit in, I used to not say things that people would tease me about, I used to want to be cool, I used to feel unseen.
NOW I am empowered and no not everyone likes me. In fact many people don't like me, many people judge me, manipulate me and even try and force me with violence to be who they want me to be. Yet I DONT comply, I don't give in I live TRUE I live FREE and I am not scared to do so.
In reward for this I have an amazing life and there are thousands of people who DO see me, honor me, love me and respect me. Yet I would have none of this if I didn't spend the years I did in meditation, fasting from the world and finding my self.
Now I am able to live full on and free, free to be me and it FEELS SO GOOD.
NO life is not perfect, no not everyone likes me, but MANY people do and they like me for who I am.
I have found it essential to detox from poisonous people. If there are people who do not respect you then don't interface with them and also don't give credence to their judgment because it is simply poison.
Thanks for the contributions. Anything like this is valuable as it facilitates "soul searching" of which is of the most value!
Blessings~*~
I can relate to your story on so man levels. I had a morbid fear of public speaking which crippled me during various stages of life! I was 41 when I decided to do something about it. I also went through a prolonged period of time away from social circles and found that the person who used to be sick, was a version of myself that didn't fit into a system! I have healed in many ways as well. It is magical what happens once toxic things and people are removed from life! It allows anxiety to slowly fade away, and an imagination replaces it, at least that's what happened with me....
"many people judge me, manipulate me and even try and force me with violence to be who they want me to be. Yet I DONT comply, I don't give in I live TRUE I live FREE and I am not scared to do so." Yes, I have this now also! Thanks for writing.
Dear Secret Writer,
I think your situation might be more common that you think, although the people like you might be farther away somehow. There are many things that I could relate to, namely the isolation and reliance on books. My main struggle is similar to yours, in that most people that live near me are hard to relate to, but opening up, has yielded some good results recently.
I believe your main struggle right now is separation and the despondent feelings that are associated with that. Lack of connection is doing you harm, and people tend to shy away from others who immediately display negative emotions. That reaction is hard-wired in humans, and animals.
This is the cycle you seem to be trapped in. You say "I do people no harm, but in the previous sentence you mentioned that you "do not like the people because they judge you". I believe you are carrying this state of "pre-rejection" around inside of you, and this expresses itself when you try to make new friends, on the internet.
I did some mind deprogramming techniques for a few years that healed me to a certain extent. This is what helped me the most begin the path of reconnecting with humans after I put myself through a long time of isolation: I began to look around me and try to address the needs of other people. This had the effect of me becoming useful to others. This also helped me get rid of my habit of deep introspection and self-hate.
I just had to let go of the fact that I feel isolated and instead, I attempted to focus on the needs of others. By shifting my focus (and the Secret Writer is the reason I'm getting better) away from myself, and towards others, I feel better about myself. I can't be close to tons of people, but I can do something small to help others. This thing is the way I try to connect with people, try to help others in a small way.
My advice is to think about what you like to do then try to think of a small way you can help others with something in life. It might take a while to figure out, but it is worth it, I think.....
It would be interesting to know about parental influence or lack of it. The writer's omission of conversations with trusted adults is a factor, I believe. He seems like he is wandering in the desert, looking for an oasis but finding only mirages. I hope he finds what he needs.
I feel that you secret-writer would be welcomed by the steemit community. You shouldn't have to suffer alone and be stuck with thoughts that you can't share with anyone. Feel free to make an anonymous account on steemit chat (if you are only allowed one correct me) and feel free to reach out to me if you wish bendjmiller222.
I know a bit about what it is like to be lonely and not feel you are accepted by this world. You seem to be seeking aomething, but I don't know if you have found it yet.
I do not feel I have earned the right to share my beliefs with you since you have not asked and I don't believe trying to force someone to listen to your ideals does much except make you turn a deaf ear toward type of belief.
I will say I'm a Christian, but hold no judgement on you for your beliefs whatsoever. I think Christians rightly have a bad reputation due to their frequent hypocrisy and how they often try to point out sins in others when they in turn have glaring flaws of their own.
Basically it means until you have worked on yourself, don't point out things wrong with other people.
We don't need to talk religion at all though if you do not wish. I am very non confrontational, but it does seem as if you could use a friend. I can't guarantee that we will share many of the same interests, but I have no desire to ridicule you or make you feel bad about yourself (I have suffered from anxiety and depression myself and would wager a guess that you have too).
I hope you read the comments and whether or not you decide to reach out to anyone, know that there are people who feel like you do and will also show respect to one another.
I've never subscribed to the "norm" as I realised along time ago that I am the only person who can truly make me happy; with this being the case I have gone through life pleasing myself. Now you may consider this a selfish outlook, but I haven't been selfish I haven't made other people responsible for my happiness and have never expected other people to make me happy; therefore I can not be disappointed if they have let me down, I have been disappointed with myself for expecting more than I am prepared to give?!?! A conundrum really, but it works for me! Thank you for sharing!!
This person need defensively a lot of person development courses , Pessimism is the most dangerous thing that can destroy our life , I feel said for him or her but that will never change any thing if he pr she change thoughts about life and people
pessimism does indeed kill. There really must be a balance.
A spell of intense optimism and total disregard for danger almost killed me.
I've been also affected by intense darkness.
An important lesson also that i've learned: most people take time to get to know.
It's more helpful to remain objective, friendly and helpful in the beginning stages of friendship.
Then, slowly, we can unwind, showing our painful sides. People don't want to be a therapist.....
I used to be more "popular" and conforming to ther people's tastes earlier in my life.
Once I understood better what I like and went for it regardless of what other people think, I became less "popular", but much happier.
Darkness is in you and only you can remove it.
ah yes, it is important to shed the popular ideas for ones that you actually like.
Say what? I thought you were Bukowski's female equivalent!
I think many people have that image of great writers who are chaotic, heavy drinkers and deeply troubled (almost like rockstars). Hemingway is a great example but of course there's a long line of beatniks after him, Bukowski included even if it's not a beatnik per se.
Some writers may not share the same behaviors but they definitely share the same sensibilities about life and society. So you are most definitely not an alien.
I don't write the content, I only edit and add the photos....this secret writer is a male actually
winding life
My 5 cents here for the secret writer is just to get a change of scenery. Low wages and high prices are probably an issue in some countries, but not in most. People travel all the time with very little money, making more on the way by working. Even if it's not always the most glamorous work, it doesn't sound like things are likely to get worse... good luck, whatever you decide!
good idea. Sometimes getting out of a rut does include travel. Maybe Fort Galt would be a destination?
These fort galt suites are very expensive. However, given your success at steemit, looks like you can definitely afford it.
what i meant by that is to start working with the people there, perhaps securing some kind of work to live situation. I know that piedpiper is working on building out a support office there...
Perhaps they have decided not to in order to get started?
Just a tip to avoid potential trouble:
You might want to check your pictures for copyrights and at least add the original source.
Otherwise, great post! Enjoyed reading and often feel quite the same.
The one image is by me, and the gifs are from giphy.com.
I have written them from weeks ago asking if my usage is ok, and I'm still awaiting their answer.
If they decided not to grant me usage of their gifs, I'll re-edit all the images with my own or other creative commons zero sites.
Ok, just wanted to make sure. No harm meant!
Lost Content Digest. I'm finding articles by new authors who missed their first payout, but deserve something more. I'm going to be writing articles that feature several of these "missed" articles, and then I'll send the SBD proceeds of my article to the authors of the lost articles, hopefully generating them some income and followers.@stellabelle, Sorry to approach you this way - but I'm trying to launch a new content aggregation service called the
Is this something you'd be interested in supporting?
👍nice story, keep up ur great writing
I like this regardless of wether this is true or fiction - in fact it doesnt matter, i would rather not know, it makes it all more attractive.
I was goinng to write a long comment, until i saw the bottom line
Well believe me, i have done most of what you have done, and changed cities, countries, states, even names.
I am still me, for some time it might seem to help, but you cant run away from yourself
I too, have used the "location fix". It works temporarily, until you seep back into yourself and begin again to besmirch the environment. But I see it as a positive first step, but not the entire first step.
I believe this secret is true actually. I have good evidence. I think isolation in modern culture is one of the most damaging aspects. Humans evolved in groups, tribes and have always relied on the group for growth and development. We did not evolve in isolation. I think isolation is by design. Companies want individuals to buy everything separately. By sharing resources, their profits go down.
I actually think that some isolation can be healing, it can help gather the thoughts.
I can always hide inside writing
What you've described are very typical experience for anyone who is different or goes against the mainstream. Whatever pain, frustration and anger you have will turn into fuel for the world-changing things you'll end up doing.
You know, I think that the people in a society who experience the most discomfort are the ones who have the most to contribute to it.
I understand your situation very well. I feel like an alien most of the time. I've decided to take myself to rural Spain and live a relatively hermited life.
I've realised that I'm not going to find much life satisfaction being part of a mainstream group that I dislike.
Instead I get most of life satisfaction from books, my ideas, experiences, writing, learning new things and meeting people I find interesting.
One day I might meet a group that I feel comfortable being myself in. But in the meantime Steemit is giving me an audience and voice that I've never really had before.
Do what you need to do to survive, get your own space and heal. And then you'll develop, grow and blossom eventually. That process might be painful but you'll get through it and it will be worth it.
Keep writing - especially under your own name. You're an excellent writer. It's the ideal outlet for your to channel all the intense feelings you have at the moment.
(P.s. Thanks @stellabelle for sharing the hot guy half-way through. )
I say you are where you are supposed to be on journey and all will be revealed in time to your good. All is well, when all is said and done.
dubloon135
Hi @stellabelle, I have featured three of your articles in the new #steemittop10! Check it out here: https://steemit.com/life/@chrisadventures/episode-3-the-official-steemit-top-10-top-10-most-intimidating-erotic-stories-on-steemit-be-intimidated-18-by-chrisadventures
Hi! Great personal story. I kinda feel like an alien too sometimes when I walk through a supermarket looking at all the people scurrying around.
When it comes to nutrition I think we share views. I don't drink or smoke or do anything stupid. I juice! :)
https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@deleted/hi-juice-recipe-colloidal-silver-fuck-yeah
And everytime I do that I feel more elevated in regards to other people. It's not like I loathe other people it's just I feel everyone should be doing what I'm doing. I feel....better I guess. But at the same time like a weirdo.
Wow! Hello Secret Writer, I just joined Steemit so I don't really know much about it--almost nothing actually. But your name, story, and photos caught my eye and I had to read what you wrote.
Wow! I've got to read it again.
I hope someday I'll be able to write and post at your level with photos and video clips, etc.
All I can say is I love it!
This made me really sad to read.
Now I feel like an idiot with all my extraterrestrial point of view comedies.
If it makes you feel better, we all feel outsiders sometimes. Just try to not let anyone take any part of you.
I wish you all the best!
Secret selfish and crazy. One word moron. One word lives at the expense of other people and their abuses! Now all the crazies will be on this site to hang out!
QED