I kissed him and said, "Tomorrow," not knowing that tomorrow would be the worst day of my life.
My husband pulled me close, his hands moving across my body in that slow deliberate way, I knew he wanted me to reassure him, to hold him and show him that everything was ok, but our first big disagreement had taken it’s toll and for the first time in two weeks, I could feel myself falling into a deep and easy sleep.
The argument
We had been married for 15 months, my husband had just celebrated his 24th birthday and started a new job after 10 months of unemployment and I was a stay-at-home mum looking after our daughters, 18 months and 7 months old, as well as my 10 year old son from a previous relationship, whom my husband loved just as much as our daughters. The new job paid a good wage but with the debts we had racked up over the last 10 months, we were barely getting by, so when he came home one night from work with the biggest smile on his face announcing that he had just bought a motorbike, I was livid.
He had done it with the best of intentions, wanting to get a second job delivering pizza a couple of nights a week not realizing that the extra cost would mean that he would not be able to pay for the lessons or a driving license to actually do so.
I didn’t react well.
The fact I would now have to try and feed 5 of us on £10 a week along with an instant fear that he would get himself killed on it led to an argument that we just couldn’t talk through as we had in the past.
Tommorow
The morning after I turned away from him we made plans to make up properly the evening he went to work and I went to a friend's house. While there my toddler knocked her head when she became drowsy and started vomiting. I called the paramedics and left a message for my husband to meet us at the hospital. He arrived shortly after we did an hour or so later. She was given the all clear as we put the children in my friend's car, my husband said,
"I think I should stay I don’t feel right."
I put my hand on his heart, it was racing. We’d been to hospital with him like this a dozen times in the last year, each time we had been told it was just an anxiety attack and to go home and rest so that’s what my husband decided to do.
I nipped across the street to let my son know his sister was fine as I waited for him to emerge from his friend's room.
I heard someone screaming my name, I ran back to the house, my husband was laying across the sofa at the strangest angle, his skin was grey and his lips blue.
I could feel my body shaking as my mind seemed to spilt in two. I could hear myself giving orders in a voice I didn’t recognize while the part I was most aware of focused on what I needed to do. I pulled my husband to the floor and started forcing air into his lungs.
After a few minutes he gasped just like you see on tv, he looked at me trying to say speak, I felt tears start to stream down my face as he tried again and I begged him to stay with us but a horrible sound escaped from his mouth. I was looking in his eyes as he left us.
It really is like watching a light slowly fading.
The two halves of my mind snapped back together as the panic I’d been holding back left me shaking and sobbing.
I only remember tiny bits of what happened next. My friend took charge of the situation, pulled me together enough to carry on CPR until the paramedics arrived. The paramedics were wondering why they where back at the same address, trying to call his mum but not being able to dial the phone. The look on my son's face as we drove away, leaving the hospital, clutching onto a little white box.
I was wondering how I was going to fix the pieces of my son's heart, as he asked me why god would take his dad away.
It’s been 9 years since a hidden heart condition called SAD’s changed our lives forever. The children and I have glued the pieces of our hearts back together although the cracks still ache and though it took a long time to achieve, life is good again. But if someone told me I could have just one moment from my life to relive I’d choose that moment I turned away.
I'd hold him, reassure him and tell him just how much I still love him.
-Secret Writer
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wow, what a touching story.
This shows once again that you should take each day for granted.
Human beings have this crazy habit about them, that we always forget to appreciate things if we have them for a certain time. I notice that everyday and it's very hard to change it and keep appreciating EVERYTHING. But we really should.
We always think that horrible things like this will never happen to us - of course, if we would live in fear constantly, that wouldn't be a life at all. But we can't forget how fragile life really is.
I hope the writer of this post is doing alright, and managing to raise her kids alone. I'm sure it has made her a very strong and independent woman. Although you wouldn't wish your worst enemy to have something like this happen to them, you should still try to see the positive in every situation and emerge from it stronger than you were before
Yes, agreed. I fall in and out of this mental trap every day. There are some days that I really understand that this could be my last, and then there are the vast expanse of days that all fold into one big "taking it all for granted." But there are times that it's necessary to live as though it were your last. I got my book published using this thought exercise. Without the threat of death, I would never have completed my book.....Humans are short-sighted for the most part. We need to resist against the urge to just take it all for granted.....
I'm glad that others have seen the value with which the secret-writer has expressed themselves. I hope that maybe the money will allow the family to do something enjoyable together and make new memories to fill the hurt that they must feel weighing down on them throughout the ups and downs of each day.
I remember one of your posts talking about living each day as if it were your last, I think the post was some kind of list of things to make your life better or something like that.
This story really touched me secret-writer. While I hope you receive a lot of love on this post, money isn't the point at all.
To me you are telling us to live life to the fullest each day since nothing is guaranteed. That's far more valuable than money. I'm sure you would give 1,000 fold the money you make here to have one day with your husband again.
I really can't imagine how you struggled with your own grieving process along with comforting a child who couldn't know what was going on and just wanted Daddy to be home again.
Made me think of my nephews and how much I love them and the agony it would cause in their tiny little hearts and impact their lives forever.
I hope you have been able to grieve properly and let time heal some wounds but never forget the man whom I'm sure you miss daily.
I've recently discovered this series of yours. This excercise in releasing pent up feelings through writing is fascinating and interests me greatly.
UPVOTED and FOLLOWED.
I just wrote an article about how Gardens at hospitals or clinics can reduce anxiety, anger and depression. I would appreciate you having a look at it and sharing your comments.
http://steem.link/2t4us
Sex is more than just sex to a guy. It is a physical expression of our love. Yeah we get all horny and shit all of the time. but it hurts every time we are rejected.
Ask any guy in a long term relationship how he feels when he gets knocked back and I guarantee he will say "That it feels like she doesn't love me."
That's really well written and very emotional, I hope the secret writer makes peace with her soul through this write up. It's not your fault, you didn't know he had SAD and you were there with him till the very end. Parts of him is still with you, your children carry his DNA, they have him in them. In a way, he's been always with you.
Secret Writer: My heart aches for you. I can't imagine going through this horror. We never know how long we have each other or what tomorrow will bring. I'm glad to hear that "life is good again" though. Thank you for sharing your story.
After reading this I got right on my phone and told my significant other that I love her...
Thank you for the reminder of how precious life is!
A chilling story.
I hate how doctors sometimes have an all inclusive term that they just throw out when something's wrong. Like panic attack. My brother had an almost fatal spine problem that our doctor never noticed, she always said he needs to work out, because his posture is a little wrong...
I'm really sorry for your loss, you shouldn't blame yourself for acting the way you did, your circumstances were really bad and it's very understandable that you didn't share your husbands enthusiasm. Think about all the good times you had together and how many times you made him happy.
Great post @stellabelle; you mustn't take anything for granted!! Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so mich for sharing the story with US it touch me hard. Good work keep up
I am very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing and happy writing.
Reading your blog post brought back many memories of the night my husband passed, leaving me with 3 young children. I felt your pain. Thanks for the little reminders. It was 5 years ago and we are all strong and moved on but have never forgotten.
Awesome post man! Loved it!
really nice keep up
very nice post... thanks...
I find interesting how you mix moving images with the story. I find them slightly distracting as I am used to read traditional paper book (yes there are still a few of us around). But I must say that you have a great aesthetic sense in mixing them with your text.
a moving story :(
A terrible tragedy, made worse by how close this family was to pulling themselves up out of an already hard situation.
Losing a spouse so suddenly like that... it's a nightmare come true. I don't know what would happen to me and my daughter if I lost my wife like that.
You would be forced to adapt. And people would arrive to help you out of the situation, people that you may not even recognize now.
Yes, I suppose you're right. Life goes on after all, regardless of our plans or our feelings. Still, a terrible thing to endure, to be sure.
great post @stellabelle, very impressive!
Wow, heartbreaker!
A touching story.
Nice story @stellabelle ..., very deeply story , keep up ur good writing
Wow, absolutely heartbreaking. Secret Writer, wherever you are, I am sure that he knew how much you loved him </3
👍very touch, keep up
Wow.
You know I think it's not a big deal. Guys get rejected by their wife's all the time. It happens to me most of the time.
The fact that you look at this whole situation in this way, really shows what an amazing wife you must have been. It is important for men to be loved in a sexual way particularly in a way that women usually do not understand.
I only hope you have or will find a new partner and finish an hopefully amazing life with your family.
Though it is impractical to live every day like it is your last, to love like it is the last chance, to always say what is in your heart and in your mind, to watch the embarrassment that your "gushing" can cause your loved ones, to deal with the one million and more details that build up what we call life... It's absolutely essential. All my love to this writer, and family.
I am very sorry for your loss I do send my condolences to you and your family. Where do I start? We never know when ourselves or someone we love close to us will leave this earth. With that being said, please realize that we are on borrowed time, and eventually we will all have to pay that time back. I have learned through loss, to always tell anyone close to you, and always show them that you love them for that very reason.
Innocent people suffer for other peoples actions all of the time. Now, I am not saying anything directly related to you, I am just speaking on what I know in this type of situation. Everything happens for a reason, sometimes we just don't have the answer to the why part of the matter. You and him were married, so the terms of your marriage bed were agreed upon by the both of you.
I know you probably are tired of hearing this, but you have to forgive yourself. When our time comes to depart from the physical, we are no longer in death's shadow. Learning to live with regrets is difficult, positivity is definitely what and who you need to be around. I think once you and your son can accept that, then you may look at this situation differently as have I.
Do you ENJOY making me cry???!!! ... You do?
:^)
Cool, I don't mind either. Thanks!
Life is the most unpredictable possession we hold. And Death steals it away at an unexpected time. But one thing is certain as we enjoy Life. That we enjoy and live it to the fullest with our loved ones.
I hate it when my wife asks me to throw the garbage at night when I am already in front of my computer. I hate it when she asks me to fix her favorite tea when I know she can do it on her own. I hate it when I have to cook for the kids when she just watches her favorite TV shows.
BUT I DO THEM, anyways. Because I don't hate HER. Because I know she had a long day taking care of things I couldn't take care myself. Because time will come that I won't be able to do these things for her. Time will come when my kids go on their own and I won't be able to cook for them. Or help them out with their homework.
Time will come that I have to drink my wife's favorite tea without her or the other way around.
And I don't want to regret knowing that I could have done those things for my loved ones yet I did not just because I didn't want to. I may not be a perfect husband or a perfect father but every time there is opportunity to express my love to those I care about, I will do it no matter how I feel about it.
Because Life is so unpredictable. And every opportunity that we pass up is opportunity lost.
I seriously stopped by to share my condolences about your husband and I felt really sorry for him.
My Deep condolences from @jackgallenhall
I feel sorry for the wife and son in this story, another reminder to live and love like everyday is our last.
This is a very touching story. I don't know what I would have done in that situation. I could not imagine what it must have been like seeing your husband leave this earth. I always tell Daniel my SO that I want to be the first to die because I could not stand the pain of not being with him another day.
https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@zein/2kfand-hello-steemit#comments
I'm so sorry this happened to your young family! It's a very human thing to feel guilt over things that cause us personal anguish. Forgive yourself, because he sounds like the kind of person who would never want you to live with that pain. And you lived with him enough time for him to know--you really loved him. One disagreement wouldn't change that. Take comfort in knowing that he knew you cared.