For me it was formidable work to comprehend and share the feelings of other people. Learning how to empathize with others really did feel like I was reaching and stretching out with my feelings. Those skills were foreign to me as they were heavily atrophied. I struggled figuring out how to connect with others. I was so clumsy, it felt like I was tripping over my own two feet on my first day of Taekwondo training. I was no black belt!
"Stretch out with your feelings!" - Obi-Wan Kenobi (Star Wars IV)
When I did manage to connected and truly empathize with others, I was suddenly confronted with the realization that my own behaviours and words were hurting other people. I felt their pain as a result of what I said or did! Even more surprising was the guilt and shame that I experienced as a result.
I suddenly felt ashamed of being the instrument that caused pain and suffering in others. Feeling guilty for the years of emotional and mental abuse that I caused my wife, kids and friends, was almost unbearable. Healing from this deeply profound realization required a complete paradigm shift in thinking and behaving.
Beating myself up over the guilt and shame would not serve me either. I had to find a way to forgive myself. I accomplished that goal by walking the path of righteousness and recognizing that I AM a different man than I was prior to 2001. It took years but I finally forgave myself, which resulted in a lightened load on my heart, mind and body. It allowed me to move forward with my life. I will never forget the violence that I used against those that I love most. I now use the experience to support the work that I do today as a way to self check in order to ensure I don't go there ever again.
I've learned to love myself which means that I will not engage in violence against another. I make mistakes and do my best to fix them and continue my life dedicated to peace.
What saddens me most is to realize that my position in life is now considered 'extreme' by others.
This morning an individual wrote on one of my posts:
"Anyone that takes a social media platform to the extreme of having to compare flags as “violent” deserves to be mocked."
I know where this comes from. I used to think and behave in this way, I know it all too well. This is written out of frustration but also out of fear. If this individual empathized with others, he would quickly be confronted with the pain that results from these types of actions. That would then be followed up with guilt and shame. Most people avoid empathizing with others in order to avoid these feelings so that they can continue justifying their behaviours. It is not comfortable at all!
Nobody deserves to be mocked. Nobody! This is a covert violent attempt to induce shame and ridicule to support their position while attempting to tear down others.
It is a desperate attempt to justify behaviours to avoid the consequences; empathy, pain, sorrow, sadness, fear, guilt, shame and other uncomfortable results. I forgive this individual for what they said. I muted the individual, but it does not stop them from lashing out.
My view points jeopardize their actions as it takes away their justification. Lashing out is one of the last resorts they have to maintain their position. This is classic as this is exactly the types of behaviours I would engage in prior to 2001.
This type of emotional violence is very common. It may seem like it is no big deal, but it is a big deal. Feelings are sacred and must be respected as they are the foundation of our own truth. Emotional outbursts in order to manipulate or control the feelings of others is violent!
I am a master blackbelt at covert emotional and mental violence. While I recognize and mastered the behaviour, I do not condone it. Many people may find that type of comment okay, but I view it as abusive and violent. This is a violent attempt to shame or humiliate, which is an emotional and mental manipulation. I don't fall for this any more and I am call it out in the open. I rebuke violent behaviours and I will use them as examples for the public to see and evaluate.
I no longer take on this energy and I put it back where it came from, on the individual who wrote those violent words.
Having the courage to do this level of healing work ended up with an unforeseen manifestation that I did not anticipate. By being able to empathize with people so deeply, I've made significant emotional and even spiritual connections with people. There is no better feeling in the world than hearing somebody express their feelings as tears run down their cheek as they sob through their words.
Previously that would make me feel very uncomfortable. But now I find deep connection with others when we share at such a deep emotional, mental and even spiritual level. I find myself experiencing it more and more as people feel safe to share on my blog, through private messages and even face-to-face.
My life has been deeply enriched by taking the risks, working through the pain and other uncomfortable feelings. By finding ways to do this type of work, I find that nothing else really matters. Life really is all about our relationships!
I know my views are foreign, strange and to some, even extreme. Perhaps it is time to recognize that the violent behaviour is what is extreme and peace should be viewed as a norm to work towards as our ultimate goal in life.
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It is a balancing act, and an act of perception to perceive violence but not engage in violence yourself. A worthwhile act, too. A challenge.
Honeslty, I do not always succeed, sometimes emotions really are strong. I find it hard to distinguish between my real strong emotions and what I am doing to make others feel guilty too. Sometimes that confuses me, am I feeling this in an attempt to get my way or are my emotions just really strong? I think it will take practice to figure that out.
I am also terribly nieve a lot of the time and dont see the violent acts, or at least dont understand how people do them! I am like, how can you be so selfish or mean or inconsiderate? I honestly don't get it. I may be selfish sometimes but in no way do I try to manipulate people or hurt them with forethought or outright. I have had people be very rude to me, and I still dont get it.
It is a hard, and lame lesson to learn that some people are just mean. I enjoy peace of mind and peace at heart, and so that is how I act. Its nearly mind blowing to realize that is not common sense, and also to realize that I may indeed participate in covert violence as well.
I am excited that I am slowly coming to realize how to deal with this stuff, and recognize it. I appreciate the insights! It gives me a lot to think about and work on.
I'm glad you find value in the sharing. When I was your age I was very naive as well. If I told you some of the stories from when I was in school, you would most likely laugh out of disbelief and discomfort. I've found that this is a life long journey. So settle in for the long haul! <3 I'm glad that you are asking lots of questions and working through those topics. That shows a great deal of mental, emotional and spiritual maturity.
There is joy and value in being honest and open, I think that is why I find it not too hard to check myself before i wreck myself... most of the time haha. I think that I am on tree-time, I like long term journies. Than you for sharing your insights, bringing light to these issues and for being such an inspiration!
I am having trouble identifying passive aggressive behavior in my self. I am afraid sometimes to write a post because it might have passive aggressive statements in it. I am wondering if The Virtue Circle would be a place that could help me identify this in a constructive way?
Hi @kathylee. I addressed your question within The Virtue Circle discord channel. I think the channel is a good tool to find support, encouragement and gentle confrontation should we make mistakes and slip up from time to time. I pick up covert violence very easily so I will make sure to inform you should I notice any behaviours that would cause harm. I will also work hard to do it gently. <3
I appreciate that very much. I will look at the discord channel now.
There is a serious lack of genuine empathy in the world, how everybody treats themselves and each other is a clear representation of this fact. Even when I was a child going thru complicated situations, I did not see it at the level I see it now. Maybe I was naive? maybe I walk a different path now and have woken up to the world around me? who knows. I did grow up in a small community parish ( not that religion is flawless or accurate by any means) but helping each other was a must and having empathy for others was also highly promoted. I survived and hung on to life because of the people around my community opening their hearts, much of the time they were those who were being ridiculed in their lives for being different and believing in different things than others so maybe they understood what I was going thru.
As far as the flag opinion, I personally don't agree it's violence all the time, to some it is deserved but we all have different ways of seeing the world and disagreeing with someone's opinion doesn't in anyway justify abusive comments the way he did. Perhaps the internet as great of a tool as it can be, also has it's flaws has brought together groups of people that otherwise wouldn't have connected in the past but also disconnected human beings from other human beings and the art of peaceful communication and making abusive comments has now become easier behind a screen where 20 years ago it would have had to be said to a real person to their face and face direct consequences for taking abusive behaviors.
Much like you, for a time I did engage in what I would consider abusive behavior to make myself feel better because misery loves company, also I have to admit I didn't have any love for myself either but thru my path to being a better version of myself, I have learned that every other living being (humans animals, plants) are an extension of myself, we are all interdependent on each other one way or an other. The way people treat others have is direct reflection of how they treat themselves on the inside as well. With that being said, if more people could learn to love themselves( by that I don't mean in a narcissistic way) regardless of their flaws or mistakes of the past and learn to forgive themselves and make the wrongs right again. As much as we get criticized for our views or "extreme path" keep spreading the love and the light,, one person at a time we will get the message of love across... In the end, the light wins over the darkness and the sun always rises again despite the dark of the night.
Please forgive the delay in responding to you. I was moved by the comments made to this post and I needed a few days to process. I feel balanced now to respond.
I thank you for your touching and intimate post. I can relate to what you shared as I was very naive when I was younger and really struggled with relationships even through high school and collage. In fact, it was not until my crises was resolved when I was 33 before I starting to turn my life around. Like you, that is when I really started to 'see' the lack of empathy in many people around me. There were lots of people who did have empathy, but it was also limited.
I respect your opinion about the flag war, but I must admit that I have a hard time accepting that people 'deserve' it. I don't think anybody deserves to be treated in violent or abusive ways. We can engage in touch love without resorting to those kinds of behaviours. But I agree that the computer screen has separated us deeply and removed the more intimate connections that we usually make with people.
I am grateful that you have found a way to change your abusive ways to explore more healthy relationships in your life. It is touching and encouraging to meet other people who have made the transition and extended it to all life, not just us. I share your views and I am grateful that you found the time and courage to share them here. I am honoured and privileged to witness this. Thank you.
I agree that emotional violence (like bullying), even online, is toxic and abusive. Nobody wins in those scenarios. We have to spread positivity. People easily turn into lynch mobs when they can convince themselves that they’re righteous in doing it.
I think it is more than just being positive. It also involves confronting people on their behaviour and making it clear that it is no longer tolerated and it will not be ignored either. That is, at times, tough to do. But if we don't start standing up and saying 'no', the behaviour will continue to get worse and worse. Then the lynch mobs form and we are all in trouble.
That's true. Sometimes positivity doesn't change anything or even exacerbates a situation. It's tough to find the balance, though. Nobody likes being told that they're the bad guy. (You know, cognitive dissonance and all.) I was bullied a lot as a kid so it really gets at me emotionally to see people getting ganged up on even if they "deserve" it to some degree. I don't think it's any better online--if anything, it's worse, because people use the anonymity as a way to let the worst version of themselves take over. Two wrongs don't make a right, you know? I think it's one of the major problems with having a completely decentralized system. That's why we've set up republican governments instead of direct democratic ones ("republican" and "democratic" in lowercase, not the political parties). Direct democracies mean mob rule and vigilante justice. I realize that it's a little dramatic to refer to an online flagging system as akin to those but at the same time the last thing I want is for this site to turn into a moralistic echo chamber where dissenters are bullied out, because there's a very fine line between justice and groupthink.
I agree. You summed it up very nicely. In a system of anarchy, one of the core principles is freedom. The moment we gang up on somebody because we disagree with what they are saying, we immediately curtail our own freedoms as well. We can confront and rebuke, but the moment we engage in force, coercion or violence, we have crossed the line.
So while it is okay to have discussions about morality and ethics, it is not okay to engage in violence to make our point, despite how 'justified' we are in doing it.
The mob rule is something I've taught for years when it comes to the state and we see it here too. It will take time to work through these lessons that we all have to learn, but we will get there. That is part of the learning process as we all figure out how anarchy actually works.
We are so institutionalize and colonized that we have to go through a deprogramming process so that we can abandon some of those group think ideas and find new ways of interacting with one another in peace and prosperity. It may takes years, but this platform provides the best hope in my opinion as it is a relatively safe place to test out these principles and see if we can do it. if we accomplish it here, then we can accomplish it 'out there'.
That is when we can really change the world. Thank you for such a thoughtful, articulate and insightful response. I love it!
@wwf
Sir I didnt know about how you were in the past but today I can say that you are the most honorable, enlightened from inside, peacful and an upright person and your articles are like a therapy.
And forgiving youself is really one of the most difficult thing, I hope, I could be able to do this someday because some mistakes from the pasts still haunts me and I am still very regretful about it.
I still have things that haunt me too. I'm finding that the forgiveness process takes a long time. I even go back and reflect on the past, which helps keep me on the path, but also digs up some of those old feelings.
I must admit, that I am moved deeply by your comment and I thank you for sharing your feelings with me. At times it is not easy to hear what others have to say, especially when they use the words 'honourable', 'enlightened', 'peaceful' and 'upright'. Again, this is part of the journey. Right! To feel worthy of hearing the feelings of others. So I work hard to honour you by accepting the words that you shared and I say Thank you from my heart.
May Creator bless you with peace, freedom, prosperity, joy and love. Please forgive the delay to respond as I needed time to process peoples responses and especially yours! <3
Yesterday I came to the conclusion, that forgiving yourself is much harder than to forgive others. I had an argument with my grandmother for an objective reason. And when she started apologizing, it hurt so much. I thought, that even if she was to blame, I could ignore the situation, pretend like nothing had happened. Instead, I started a fight, after which she apologized. I started to cry and said that I should apologize. We made up, but I left her with a heavy heart
I agree with you my friend. Forgiving yourself is way harder, mainly because we cannot escape! With other people we can walk away, but there is no walking away from self.
I've found in relationships that there will always be pain. We make mistakes and we hurt people. However, if we can work through that, learn and grow from the experience, we can then form stronger bonds with others. Forgiving ourselves and each other is a part of that process.
I want to thank you for sharing such a deeply emotional and painful story. I know that it takes a lot of courage to do that, especially in a public medium like this. I am honoured that you felt safe enough to share here and I can relate and empathize with you greatly. I pray that you were able to mend each others hearts. <3
Thank you so much for your support. I didn't think it would affect me that much. When I read your post, it made me feel better.
It is time, my friend to recognize the violent behaviour and promote a peaceful existence. We lead by example.
Indeed we do my friend. May we lead together, side-by-side, in solidarity and love. It is an honour to walk with you.
This is good! Thank you!
Much much love to u!
Thank you Alex! <3 Peace to you brother.
Beautifully said! I would like to add that there is one similar feeling - when you are free to express your feelings and cry to someone who actually listens and accepts you.
I agree with you that no one should be mocked for no reason. Verbal violence is often much more damaging than the physical one. As you pointed out well, it is violence aimed at shaming or humiliating another individual, and shame/humiliation can last for much longer than physical pain.
Please forgive me for the delay as I needed a few days to process the responses to this post. Thank you for what you shared. I agree and I hope that people saw that from both sides, where you explicitly mentioned the one side and I the other.
I think all the violence is damaging and it is tough to suggest one is worse than the other as there are degrees of damage due to experiences but each individual is unique and is impacted differently depending on what happens and how they deal with things. So I shy away from saying one is worse than the other, just different. Thank you so much for commenting.
Hey dear @wwf. I read the whole story and found it so touchy. This is indeed a true experience of life and most of the people are victims of this guilt and ashamed. But realizing this guilt is most important thing. It is only possible when one accepts his mistakes and then decide not to practice these things.
You did a great job after accepting your guilt in 2001. This is an example for others and yes I have the same feelings my friend and already doing the same practice.
All the very best. Keep spreading love and stay blessed!
I am grateful that you found value in my post and it is wonderful to hear that you are doing similar work. Bravo. May Creator bless you with peace, freedom, prosperity, joy and love.
pleace upvote me @steemoel
very cool your words explain about learning martial arts. I'm sure the first time you learn martial arts tekwando very tired because often wearing kick kick foot
maybe you need to read the post.
It is clear to me that you did not read my post. So then I must question you on why you even bother commenting? This is not serving you, your reputation, this platform or those who took the time to not only read it, but post meaning comments. Please look at what you are doing and see how you can contribute in a positive way.
The act of forgiving an offender is a good sign of maturity which may naturally influence the offender to have a rethink about his action. Forgiveness is the only tool that can heal the world from its violent and other negative tendencies.
I agree, but just because we forgive, does not mean we ignore. We still have to confront them too. The message must be sent that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable and will not be tolerated any longer.
I will reply to everyone here. I just need some time as I did not expect such an outpouring of feelings from so many people. I need time to process it all. I'm not ignoring you. I'm just taking a breather so that I can respond in the most loving way all of you deserve.