For anyone who doesn't know what a joke is....:{)
A joke is a short humorous piece of oral literature in which the funniness culminates in the final sentence, called the punchline… In fact, the main condition is that the tension should reach its highest level at the very end. No continuation relieving the tension should be added. As for its being "oral," it is true that jokes may appear printed, but when further transferred, there is no obligation to reproduce the text verbatim, as in the case of poetry.[1]
All you have to do to enter is post your joke in the comments section as well as giving this post an upvote and resteem to your followers.
After the seven day reward period has ended I will choose a winner.
It's as easy as that!
You can enter as many times as you like!
This is all about having some fun and engaging with the community so please try to keep your entries family friendly!
I hope everyone is having an excellent day! :)
very nice :) follow me and upvote my posts i'll do same :)
No thank you @sam43 but thank you for the offer.
Have a great day!
A couple of Tennessee boys was talkin'
One sez to the other.
"Ya know man, I need ta find me a woman, I'm just not sure where to start."
"What ya looking fer in a woman?"
"Well first off she's gotta be level headed, don't want no purty crazy one."
"Well shoot mayne, that's easy! You'll know her as soon as you see her!
"How so?"
She'll have tobacco juice runnin' down both sides of her mouth ya dummy!*
Nice try but no cigar I'm afraid! :)
You'll have to do better than that to win the 10 SBD prize. :)
Why was the ocean sad?
.
.
.
Because the sea weed (≧∇≦)/
Haha. I liked that one!
Remember you can enter as many times as you like @utfull so feel free to come back over and give us another laugh to increase your chances of winning..
A Horse walks into a Bar and the Bartender says "Hey, why the LONG Face ?"
Up Voted, Resteemed and Followed.
:) classic @stokjockey.
Thanks for the upvote, resteem and follow. I've just become your 300th follower! :)
Congratulations! :)
Thank You Tonyr for being #300. Now I am going to have to make one of those I just crossed over 300 Followers posts today................
I did one when I got to 200. I think its a good way of showing your followers that you are thankful for their support and I used mine to say thank you to some of the people I follow as well.
Have fun with it! ;)
Look forward to seeing it in my feed later then! :)
And the horse replies, "because my wife just killed herself."
Less replying morbidly to your brother's posts, more making posts of your own! lol!
What are you on about, woman? What morbid response?? What brother???
Listen here, this is a joke post, joke posts are supposed to bomb and not be funny at all, so stop making me laugh it's contrary!!
A guy meets a prostitute in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’
That one got an actual laugh out loud!!
I once had an exchange with a prostitute at Kings Cross Station. She asked me if I wanted business but I said ''I've only got 50p.'' To my surprise she said ''That's OK. I've got change!'' :)
Your definitely looking good for the prize so far!! :)
Right, last prostitute joke before people start thinking "he knows way to many prostitute jokes"
Panda And A Prostitute
A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"
The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'
The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. '
The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.'
The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves.'
By the way I'm not here for the money, just here for a laugh and to show some support,
Would much rather see someone with a lot less SP to win, as long as their funny of course. :)
That's really good of you @markwhittam but not at all surprising! :)
Unfortunately, I also know too many prostitute jokes and have heard that one before I'm afraid but it is a classic and I did get a wee chuckle due to the fond memories I have from the first time I heard it. :)
I'm off to bed now buddy! Thanks for the laughs and look forward to your next post!
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘Jackie – put your hat and coat on lassie.’
She replied, ‘Awe Iain that’s nice – are you taking me to the pub with you?’
‘Nah, I’m just switching the central heating off while I’m out.’
??????? What does that mean? Sorry, I am a bit slow! :{)
That's not what I wrote, wait there I'll try again
Now that's much funnier than the original message you sent me. :) And not at all offensive to a Scotsman (since it's actually a known, scientifically proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt fact! :))
You're in with a chance @markwhittam! :)
Thanks again for that lovely post earlier today! Hope you are all enjoying a lovely evening wherever you are. :)
Haha thanks buddy, no idea what happened there.
Yeah I'm standing in warehouse waiting to load my truck, writing jokes to past the time :)
Tony the Tiger loves jokes because they're great, steamy like Steemit, and great, like very great like Frosted Flakes. I love jokes. I'm Putin this on my list of things to do. I'm going to Trump this Merkel (Contest). Don't Pence until we all laugh at the end. Dear readers, good luck. Tell jokes. Blond jokes are great. A blond was stuck in a car in a river. But the car was a convertible car with no roof. She tried to open the door. So sad. Kind of funny. Evil Barney is funny. Political Satire is sometimes funny. Pop culture references are funny. Sarcasm is funny when Simon Cowell of American Idol does it. Your momma so fat, she got stuck in the store. Your momma was so dumb, she then starved to death in that food store. Fat jokes can be funny. Data of Star Trek always wondered what jokes was. Data was a robot android. I like Tim Allen. He is funny. I am not sure if I am funny or not. I once had a rat named Oreo. I tell stories about my life sometimes. I do not mean to make people laugh but they do sometimes. Upvoted. Resteemed.
You sound like a very 'funny' guy to me @joeyarnoldvn. :)
Thanks for the joke buddy. will get back to you when the post closes if you are the winner!
You can enter as many times as you like so feel free to come back and try again. :)
Baby corn ask momma corn....where's pop corn? 🤗
Like this one...lol good one
🤗
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
This ridiculous joke pulled an actual and very unattracitve giggle snort from me LOL
:)
-Knock Knock-
"Who's there?"
"Harry!"
"Harry who?"
Harry bursts into tears as he realises that his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
Artficial Intellegence is no match for natural stupidity.
Mabye if we tell people the brain is an app,
they start using it.
A conclusion is the part where u got tired of thinking.
I like this one! :)
Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isnt that Bush and Powell?"
The barman says "Yep, thats them.
So the guy walks over and says, Hello, what are u guys doing?
And Bush says, Were planning world war 3
And the guy says, Really? Whats going to happen?
And Bush says, Well, were going to kill 140 million Afghans this time and one bicycle repairman.
And the guy exclaimed, A bicycle repairman?!!!
So Bush turns to Powell and says, See, I told you no-one would worry about the 140 million Afghans!
Another good one. You redeemed yourself! :)
:-0)
:( What did I just say?? :)
Dahhhhh????? No habla babbla english
...lol
There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The 3rd one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
which one does he choose??
the one with the biggest tits
:0 very good @icanrant! Borderline offensive to some people I would imagine and not exactly family friendly but I will accept it. :)
You can enter as many times as yo want @icanrant so please feel free to try again throughout the week!
Hope your day is going well!
I typed "married" but it was auto corrected to
"martyred".
Damn, smartphone has gained intelligence
You're getting somewhere now. :) You definitely deserve a prize for effort but unfortunately there isn't one. :)
U are on the limit of being downloaded....
That way I get my price.....U lol
The Queen of England was visiting one of Canadas top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my God," said the Queen, "Thats disgraceful! What is the meaning of this?"
The Doctor leading the tour explains,
"I am sorry your grace, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly ill with semen. If he doesnt do that five times a day, theyll explode, and he would die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God," said the Queen, "Whats happening in there?"
The Doctor:
"Same problem, better insurance..."
:) family friendly please! :)
Really? Yhat doesnt seem to work.....lol
I am like the worst joke teller in the entire universe. LOL
I kill them so bad it's a joke in itself. hahahaaaa!
I'll be checking back for a laugh though. :D
You must be kept really busy running this challenge @meerj99! :)
Should hopefully have my third post up today at some point. DOing OK on my comments tally as well! :)
Hope you're having a lovely day! :)
Hi
You have just received a Taliban virus. Since we are not so technologically advanced in Afghanistan, this is a MANUAL virus. Please delete all the files on your hard disk yourself and send this mail to everyone you know. Thank you very much for helping me.
Abdullah Taliban Hacker
:)) Your in with a chance of winning @saffisara. If you do win, you'll definitely have earned your prize! :)
Thank u I think I have to zzzzleep to regarge my battery....lol
Thank u I loved this challenge....my kinda thing :0)
You are welcome @saffisara and thank YOU for being such a great contestant.
Be sure to pop back and have one last go at being funny! :)
As they say in the business, ''I'm here all week!''. :)
Ur welcome :0) Its easy to be when people like u come up with great fun ideas like this.
As I say outside the buisness, Im outside ur office all week......lol
Im sorry I just coulnt help myself.....its that kind of a day when u cant stop joking......U know this is all on u right? U got me started.
Sleep well and know how amazing u are
Thank you so much. That is a really nice thing to say @saffisara! :)
Finally, you managed to bring a big smile to my face. :) :)
U are so welcome :0) I was just being honest.
Wow I made it.....yeah brought a smile on ur face.....mission complete.....lol
U made me smile to more than once :0) u have a great sence of humor.
Ok here goes .
Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.
At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.
That got a smile @saffisura but I'm looking for a LOL!!! :)
Thanks for taking part. If you have any more you can enter as many times as you like!
Hope your day is going well!
Thank u. So just a smile ha....lol
I have to do better then
Much better! :)
8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!
11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.
That's a step back from the last one. :(
I was expecting better! :)
Yeah yeah im just warming up....lol
I'ts taking you a while. The contest is only open for a week! :)
Ahh...not doing so well am I...lol
Like I said, you're trying really hard but some people just aren't funny! Maybe you should accept that and move on! :)
Mabye I should......bu U really dont know me and Im not giving up.....Im gonna try till ur so sick of me that u trows me out....lol
This is one of my favorits....lol
A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself.
“Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.”
“Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver.
“You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”
Yes that's a good one but I still didn't get that belly roar that I'm after! :)
I cann help u RRRR.....O...A..RRRR
Did u get that feeling now...lol
There was a really funny joke here....but it broke the rules so it had to go bye bye :)
:) Ofcourse you realise you are disqualified from this contest and any other future contests now for breaking the 'family friendly' rule but it was worth it. :)
How long did it take you to find that one?? :)
Oops, didn't read that disclaimer...the joke was for you alone, so I will edit it out now hahaha! I didn't find it, my grandpa told it to me LOL
:)
Though it occurs to me...whose definition of family friendly are we going by, hmm? Since my grandpa told me it, it's obviously my family friendly LOLOL (the only rules in our house were no cuss words)
It's MY definition! This is MY contest! :) And my family only ever tell each other how great we are and how much we love each other!
I'm absolutely appalled and disgusted at your language in all honesty @dreemit and even thought for a moment about unfollowing you but my momma didn't raise no fool and she also taught me that some people weren't as fortunate as us in their upbringing and that we should always give them the benefit of the doubt, which I am doing now.
You are welcome! :{)
You're joking right...I can't tell! LOL I can always tell with Scott, and I don't think I've had a chat with your brother where he did not include f bombs!! And I put that joke in ericwalton's chat and he thought it was HI-freaking-larious. And actually I was raised by two strict christian parents (just had some relatives that were much more lax lol! And I likkeedd it!) ;)
A recommendation :)
https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@fiftysixnorth/hi-steemit-introducing-myself-a-photographer-based-in-scotland
Sweet!
It was probably the funniest joke ever written but the rules are the rules!!
Let this be a warning to all of you!! :{)
I went to one of those Cash 4 Gold places and melted down some of my grandma's gold jewelry. They gave me $80.
Then I melted down my $80 and I got a handful of ash.
Sorry, I didn't laugh. You're going to have to try again I'm afraid! :)
I'm afraid I'm going to have to friendzone you ;)
What did the man say when he walked into a bar?
Ouch! :)
You are literally the first person to have ever heard that joke when I've told it! LOLOL!! ( I wasn't going for the sbd, just for a laugh ;)
:-) If you want a laugh you should read Scotts entry. :) Or @markwhittam's. :)
I sent a new friend your way yesterday. @dmcamera. She seems like a lovely woman. A scottish woman living in Florida. Photographer. She is planning on posting today about plagiarism because she found one of her own photos being passed off as someone else's. Should be an interesting read!
How is your day going?
Absolutely fantastic. Do you wanna know why? Your shit of a brother finally chatted at me LOL, I say shit in the most endearing way possible of course. As you know I love his arse. I will definitely read his entry, I don't think anyone makes me laugh like him.
But you my friend, you warm my heart. The two of you remind me of one another in certain ways, but you are the calm to his storm, or something like that ;) God, if I do get to Europe, or I should say when, even if the when isn't in November for steemfest, I will get there, and I desperately want to hang out with you two and the Bomb @meesterboom. That would be a dream come true! :)
Thank you for sending someone my way, especially another scot, I love scots. Both the nationality and the name it would seem. Will definitely check her out, your recommendation is highly valued in my eyes :)
I'm not nearly as calm in real life as I am here which is probably why I like it so much. I think I said to you before that I feel more like myself when speaking to people on steemit but maybe I'm just being more like the man I want to be. In the real world, there are not many who would say I am calm. Quite the opposite in fact. :(
I hope you get on with Diane. She seems really nice. I only met her yesterday as she had a beautiful thistle entered in the colorchallenge for Sunday. :)
Tonyr heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.
So, on his 21st birthday, Tonyr and his good friend Saffi headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.
When Tonyr and Saffi arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Tonyr stepped off of the side of the boat... and damn near drowned.
Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Saffi headed for home.
When Tonyr arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"
The feeble old grandmother took Tonyr by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear."
Ha ha....top that Tonyr :0)
OK. You're officially in the lead. :)
Goodnight saffisara! No more entries from you tonight or you will be disqualified! :)
Dont worry that was my last one :0) but thank u for this. I've had a blast ♡
Me too @saffisara. I've had a lot of fun so thank you very much for your time and for taking part. :)
Im glad that we both had fun.....lol
It was my pleasure to be a part of ur fun contest. Good way to find out how funny u are
:0) have a great day
Thanks @saffisara. Sorry for such a late reply but I haven't been feeling very well today so not been on much. Just going to reply to a few comments and then I'm off again.
Hope you are having an awesome day and thanks for last night. It was a lot of fun! :)
No worries :0) I hope u feel better soon, not fun to feel under the weather.....big hug and many thoughts ur way ♡
Ohh thank u too for last night, most fun I had in a long time....lol
Go to rest and just be.....feel better and take care of urself.
Im here whenever u need a friend or just a crazy fun night....lol
Much love♡ feel better
Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels.
Hihi
Another smile! :)
You're a trier at least! :)
A trier? .... lol
It’s always scary when a computer turns into a zombie. It has many mega-bites.
Ok one more.....lol
What do you get when you cross a dog and an antenna?
A Golden Receiver.
You are getting warmer....:)
Warmer????? Are u kidding me Im sweating over here.......so warm
Must be a cold sweat! :)
@€^/♡□○♤♡□♤■♤●■● get it? Lol
What is the optimum weight of a fart?
0.0 grams.
Otherwise we’re not talking fart.
Bill Gates farted in an Apple store. He later commented, "Well it’s hardly my fault they don't have any Windows
The funniest yet! I liked the Bill Gates one. :)
Wow a compliment....I think I have to sit.....lol
You're really funny @saffisara....you should try sit down comedy! :)
I get thay alot...lol but Im just crazy little me who does crazy things and makes people laugh without even knowing why......Im like.....dahhhhh
Im always the last to know when I say something wrong...lol
Im one of those who says a wrong word all my life and then someone enlightens me and Im like......dahhh
One exempel....I love the song Suspicios mind
But for many years I thought it was called.
We call it a trap........lol
I assume you mean 'Suspicious Minds' and 'CAUGHT in a trap'! :{)
Yes.....look I cant even spell the wrongs right.
:0) how bad am I...lol
My wife dressed up as a Cop and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
48 seconds later I was released for lack of evidence.
I've seen this joke somewhere recently. :)
You must do some sit ups @blacksheep123. It will help a lot with this problem! :)
If you want to be in with a chance of winning I'm gonna need a resteem! :)
I'm a vegan, but I will eat meat in social situations.
Like when I'm going through the drive-thru.
Better than the last one but your still not there yet. That one got a small smile. I'm looking for a belly roar!! :)
I only know kids' jokes: What do you call a blind dinosaur? A do-you-think-he-saur-us
What's a dragons favorite food? A firecracker! (I crack myself up). Sorry that's all I have! My elementary school kids loved them though :-)
They got a giigle from me @thesimplelife :)
Thanks for taking the time to enter my friend. Good luck!
Hope you are having a great day!
Thanks I hope you are having a great day too! That's the thing about kids' jokes...they are at least good for a giggle! Glad I could bring that to you!
If any more come to you in the next few days be sure and add them to increase your chances of winning (as well as giving me a few more laughs). :)
Have a great, simple day @thesimplelife! :)
Well there was one on the yogurt tube this morning that my two year old thought was silly...what does the queen bee use to style her hair? A honeycomb. Bah dum chh!
:) Like it @thesimplelife!
I work in preeschool and kids are the greatest.
Good one
Oh my gosh preschoolers! Bless you! I have an early childhood degree and ended up working with the big kids. Every time I drop my kids off at preschool I think about how much energy it must take to work with them!
I know I hear that all the time from patents, friends etc. It takes a lot of energy but its so worth it I love working with them.
U never know what will come out of their mouth....brutaly honest.....lol
They are amazing and the smallest ones are still blowing my mind when u see what they can do and learn :0) rewarding.
U hear a lot of fun things and comments that just makes u laugh. So I wouldnt change it.
Before this I worked in an industry with mashines so this is sooo much better.
Been doing it for 16 years.
What do u do?
I was an elementary and middle school teacher for 11 years before I went into school counseling. I thought I'd be an elementary counselor but got my first job in high school counseling. This coming year will be my fifth year doing that! So this fall I will start my 16th year as well. I student taught in a two year old room and that's where my own little man is. Fun to watch them and their energy!
Sounds really ambition :0) its a great job helping people and people like u are needed.
Its tuffer for kids today at school then it was when I grew up, so much stress and preasure.
Do u see a difference in ur job how kids are feeling today compare to years back?
I cans se a big difference just in the past 3 years
The kids have longer days and they bearly get to be home when they are sick. Some even have symptoms of stress at 3- 4 years. Crazy
Yes for sure!!! I remember my first year as a counselor I kept thinking about how much these kids have already been through at their age. High school is SO much different than when I went through it. If I had gone through what hey have at their age I would have never had the skills to survive. So sad for them and even more sad that little ones are going through the same thing. That shouldn't even be! I can't do much to protect my little guy from what he's going through, which as a professional advocate for children, kills me inside!
Joke.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.did you laugh
Not really....but thanks for the effort! :) You can have as many entries as you want so why not try again? I might laugh this time....no promises though, especially if this attempt is anything to go by. :)
Thanks @dojoexle. Hope your day is going well!
I blew a speaker in my car today. He was a motivational speaker, left a bad taste in my mouth.
Hope this makes up for my last one
That one got a little giggle. :)
Hope your having a great day @blacksheep123!
Knock Knock.... Who's there? A Big Pile up....
Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
That one was much better but still not quite there yet! :{)
I know you can do better!!
U are a difficult man to please....lol
Not really. You're just not very funny! :)
U are out on deep water.....to bad ur not jesus then u could walk away.......LOL
You're getting colder again! :( Thought you had potential too! Oh well! :)
U suck.....lol
How do u find Will Smith in the show?
You look for the fresh print
You've ruined it now. You should have stopped on a high with the last one! :(
Tonyr heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.
So, on his 21st birthday, Tonyr and his good friend Saffi headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.
When Tonyr and Saffi arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Tonyr stepped off of the side of the boat... and damn near drowned.
Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Saffi headed for home.
When Tonyr arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"
The feeble old grandmother took Tonyr by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear."
So top that Tonyr....lol
When making airline reservations what special request did John Fogerty make? "Put me in coach". If anyone has ever heard his song Center Field, I am pretty sure they will get it. I know the joke is a bit corny, but I like it because it is clean and you could tell it pretty much anywhere.
I'm afraid I am not familiar with the reference but thanks for taking the time to look over my blog @wgl.I'm sure you realise that the contest is now closed but I appreciate you adding your joke and hopefully someone will see it in future and get a good laugh out of it. :)
Have a great day my friend and I may be tempted into picking up the guitar again although to be honest I have tried several times in the past and my talents must presumably lie elsewhere. :)