I have 5 days left and I am pretty sure I will have to go back to Romania. That is what I told myself last week. Feelings of looking like a failure again come rushing back. I went to interviews, I received maybe, no and I wish I could kind of answers. If someone would have told me how sinuous is the road towards a good tattoo shop I would have probably never tried.
I remember how I was told back in Romania that being a tattoo artist is a bad idea, that there are too many already doing it, why should I be special. And despite the pull backs I went for it. Crazy curly me.
I celebrated my last day of work the same way as I did with my resignation day: a bubbly drink and a hey cheers to me.
A feeling of pace came over me. I knew that no matter how much money and what projects I would be given I would never cancel my resignation at this shop. The atmosphere filled with envy, the lack of respect for cleanliness and the arrogance of the boss would be a big NO for me.
So what's next Mary? What are you doing with your life woman?
I texted a lot of shops in Bucharest, Cluj and Timisoara. To my surprise, I received a lot of appreciation for my work in their replies yet the house is full in many of the shops. I even got free art e- books from a fellow tattoo artist from Cluj. I was touched. So the tattoo community has nice people after all.
5 more days...and I receive a reply from a shop in Denmark I truly liked. A yes. A yes to being self employed and no longer working on a fixed salary, but on percentage. Being my own boss. Again. I knew how much money I could make based on my previous experience. I said yes. I was blessed to have friends to take my stuff to until I find a new rent in a new city. I am afraid a bit....but if not taking a risk than what else to do? I can either make it big or fail big. At least I would have tried!
I came back now in Romania for the holidays. And a surge of sadness and nostalgia hit me again. I passed through a city that once carried a lot of good and painful memories for me.
I would have dreamed of a day when I would pass next to this city and just move on. I had tears in my eyes, touching the windows of the bus wishing...hoping...wondering. The heart aches of my soul, the healing which is still not done although more than a year has passed since I decided to separate.Then I had to close my beauty shop alone and try Denmark and pursue my tattoo dream. Alone.
Why I am still ruminating? Why am I lingering? Why can't I just flush it out of my heart?
I arrive at the station and I take a cab towards home. The music inside the cab is about a heartbreak, a love story which never managed to happen until the end. Really? Sometimes the universe really gives it to you... Out of the blue I have tears in my eye. I just can't stop them. I feel utterly embarrassed. The cab driver looks at me. Oh, you're not tired, you're heart broken. Utterly weird moment. It never happened to me to burst in tears like this before. Could it be the fatigue acumulated over the 6 months I spent working without one day off to build my tattoo portfolio? Could it be the sight of that town? Could it be the fact that maybe I am just tired of so many changes in my life?
I arrived at home and I cried into vocemails to one of my best friends telling the whole story. I realize now more than ever that it is not normal to ruminate after so much time has passed. People get over people. Isn't it? I think I need therapy in order to understand why I am stuck in this emotional loop about this person which was in my life.
One of my friends told me that I will heal from this person if I will be in a relationship with another guy, who will treat me right and make me forget. Could it be? I am not sure that another man would like to date a woman who is still trying to get over and heal from her former relationship. God knows how heartbroken I felt to find out the presence of ex-es in the life of that man that I was supposed to have a love story with, I would never dare to give this pain to someone else. It would not be fair. Yet...we can't heal alone, can't we?
Maybe I am mourning the lost connection with my father, the good relationship we never had. Maybe I am not ruminating after the ex, maybe I am sad over something deeper and bigger. I do not know. But crying and still thinking of a person from the past after more than one year is not normal, that is what most of my friends tell me. If I could format delete my heart's aches....Going through this on my own taught me to be so gentle with strangers because you never know the hidden burden some might carry under a big smile.
I realize I tried to hide and suppress this by working a lot, by filling my time with doing something. Anything. But a small trigger, a memory , a birthday, and I would get lured back into sad unhealed ruminating territories.
I took a notebook and started to pour my heart out to this person. I write the kind of letters I will never send. Maybe it helps me see my feelings in a different light. I wonder if someone would know how much pain could be left behind some of their actions if they would ever think twice before saying or doing something that could make the other one struggle for months or years. But I look at this as being my responsibility as I am the one who is still ruminating and stuck with the pain.
I do not know how efficient will the online therapy be, but I am willing to try it as the soul ache is too much to bear and is not going to allow me to be emotionally available to somebody else. I do not want to make someone suffer as I suffered, I could not forgive myself for it.
I am scared to be in the working-for-myself position again. But I have no other option than to dive and swim toward this new opportunity. I did not expect a lot to happen yet I got overwhelmed with the unexpected in the last couple of days. I am tired, sad, excited, scared and peaceful in the same time. A carousel of emotions.
A small detail that I witnessed in my train trip toward home made me feel hope again. A couple. Showing love toward each other. Through a long train trip. He would not get her out of his sight. Holding and kissing her hand and forehead. Playing cards. Smiling to each other. I witnessed the most beautiful expression of love connection in a train trip. Because two people knew how to be with each other in what others would believe is an uncomfortable trip. The way he looked at her....the way she looked at him.... Genuine love and respect. And my soul twitched: this is the love you need girl....
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED IN MY LAST 6 MONTHS IN DENMARK:
Material wealth will never compensate for a heart ache
Giving away teaches you about what truly matters. This is why I decided to donate some of my clothes to the Red Cross in Denmark. I did the same when I moved into a new home in Romania. It makes me realize that my soul is more important than what I wear
Self dignity and a sense of feeling that you matter is above any salary.
A door which does not open is not your door.
I am never alone as long as my faith is strong.
I want to work on myself so I could receive and give the kind of love that lasts and turns into a life story
Crying when you feel like it is ok.
I have friends in Denmark that support me, I am grateful for meeting them.
everyone has a hard story.
Yes and some share it. It takes courage to share all of my struggles.
So, Staying in Denmark, just moving shops to another City? :D
Yes, I had to go big or go home. Went for the first option although it is scary, next to the other emotional turmoils. But I did not come so far to quit. So I will continue my tattoing journey while also starting some sort of therapy to help me cope with the way my heart feels for so long.Thank you for reading this far🤗
Hi Mary! Your posts are always full of some interesting insight, whether artful, or in this case, ruminating. Thanks to @wesphilbin for pointing out this specific one... and I am wondering: could it be that, when coming back to this town, your soul was yearning for the comfort of a past that you knew? The prospect of change is scary, and the town brought back memories of a time when things were stable and made sense, including when you were with this person. Is it possible that you don't necessarily miss the individual, but the circumstances surrounding being with them?
Of course, this is all a bunch of psychobabble, which I'm hoping could break your mind away from the magnet to which it's stuck. In either case, far more importantly...
You had the guts to pursue your own way in life yet again. Many people regret not at least attempting to do so, but you'll honestly be able to look back on your life and not have this great regret. That truly is a powerful concept. And of course, if at any point during this transitional process, you need help through a kind word, that's absolutely ok, and feel free to reach out to me for the support. We rely on each other to grow - we're programmed that way! And yes, you are very much worth it. 😊
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Hello! I appreciate your comment and thoughts, it made me think.
Our brain loves the familiar for sure. I surprised myself when I felt tears in my eyes passing through that town. I am trying to figure out what I am feeling and why. I started writing down in a journal, it helps a bit. Also I started therapy which I hope it will bring some clarity for my soul and mind.
I can appreciate the good things about that person yet there were some details which indicate that my love was not reciprocated and that hurts. Maybe the most important question I should answer to myself is why I stayed with someone who did not love me? Why did I hope they will? I will take it with baby steps and continue therapy as I also make these changes in my life. From what I noticed that person moved on and they seem happy. So I am the one who is still stuck and ruminating. So I will just have to solve it and make my soul understand . It is a process and I am open about it because I feel that Hive is my safe little coccoon. And I want people to see me as a human, beyond the artistic posts that I share. Thank you for your kind words🤗
That's completely fair. This is your own journey, and I hope that you're able to go through it, learn along the way, and come out better than when you began. Indeed, there is absolutely a human behind every artist. Humanity is what begets art!
I agree.
I hope it works out if you must move back .... but small city can help to hold more money in wallet . This days bigger cities have to overpriced prices to have home or to rent home or rooms ....
And being in Europe or in USA , I hope you know that our individual rulers out there have made a decision where they are trying to close many small businesses with using absurd taxes to keep people busy in the industry... what holds up the lives of the rich, but do not help the smaller ones with long working days... it is not joke .
I will see it. I took the risk and I will try. I have to give this chance to myself and I am grateful for the way things worked out as in getting a deal with another shop in a bigger city. Thank you for reading me and for your support🤗
Lets hope all works out :) I.m sure you find how fix things fast .
Amen!
I was drawn to your post when I saw something about Romania... turns out you're a tattoo artist, too. So damn cool... (I am trying to decide if I want another tattoo or not)
However, it's not about that. I was moved by your pain and as an older woman I just wanted to say: Let go of it! It's OK to have a good cry, it's OK to acknowledge the trauma, but put it behind you. You have a pretty awesome life and few people are tough enough to follow their dreams. Look to the future, not to the past, and good luck with your new job!
Hi there! Well it is said that tattoos are like Pringles, you can never get just one.
The pain I feel is connected to so many unanswered questions I still have. I cried, I still have days when I cry about it, wondering about some things. This is why I started therapy, with the hope that it will help me understand why I still linger and to understand my feelings. I tried a lot to forget and in some days I was pretty successful. But I carried memories of this person with me wherever I went. I don't know why. But the moment I had in the taxi , crying without being able to control myself, made me realize I can't heal alone or push through this heartbreak on my own and that I need help. So I will just pursue therapy in hopes that it will bring understanding. It is all I can do. Thank you for your advices and encouragements, I do realize that I had to be so strong to go through so much on my own yet I feel I would have needed a lot of the times a shoulder to cry on to, something I rarely had...
Have a great day and put sunscreen on those tattooes as summer is coming 🤗
Losing someone close to your heart is difficult and it leaves you with excruciating pain. As they say, trying to forget someone who gives you so much to remember is like forgetting someone you never knew.
Cry until you feel light. Feel the pain until it hurts no more. Mourn, grieve until you get tired of those things and you will beg yourself to stop doing them. Pick yourself up!
You will be fine soon. And when you're okay, everything will make sense. You'll get to realize why things happened that way, why it didn't work out for that person.☺️
I like to think I had something, but I am not sure anymore. It is said you can't lose someone who is destined for you. But if people do not make the effort for you it is maybe a clear sign you ain't the one. And it is painful and it takes time to recover and understand and heal .
Thank you for reading me🤗
sometimes you have to turn a new page...
It is difficult on this one and I can't understand myself yet why...this is why I think after more than a year struggling alone with the pain I will seek for help to heal from this.
I think it takes a lotta strength to share what you did, and to be so open in an online medium. I hope it helped you find some order in your thoughts, and feel lighter. I really do <3 healing can be hard, but in the end, so ultimately rewarding.
I'm not sure that would be desirable for you, either. If you're not over the first guy, I think you'd inevitably compare the new guy, which would be unfair, and wouldn't let you build something strong and extraordinary with them. Take time to heal, and know you are not alone in this life, even if it may feel like that sometimes <3
Hey! Courage and vulnerability are necessary for a post like this. I feel like often we can believe someone is ok just because they post something in the online medium. Work related, art related or just miscellaneous. I was not ok. But we can always pretend that we are . I felt I was ready to share some of the more personal nuances of my life, beyond the mundane work related stuff. As we all deal with issues.
Because I do not want to make someone suffer as I did I am not dating anyone. And being with someone who does not love you is just devastating for the heart, nobody should ever put themselves in this position. This is why I believe therapy is better. Because I want to understand what I'm feeling and why and what can I do about it. The guy moved on and he looks happy. Despite what he did and how I suffered because of some of his behaviour, I am happy that he is ok. But I am not. And I know that I tried a lot on my own to solve my pain and I did not work. So I can't do this on my own or escaping through work or other distractions. So I will just continue therapy in the hopes that I will manage to forget and heal my heart. Thank you for reading me and for your advices 🤗
♥️ dino hug!
I will take it 🤗🤗
We all need a good hug every now and then, now probably more than ever :<)
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Thanks so much! It's interesting that you pointed this post out, as I've already been following Mary's incredible works.
Yes it is so much deeper , you said it and you already know what it is but you are not ready to work on it .
also ambition and ego can be great expressions , doing something perfectly and being proud of it.
It is with zero doubt that you are an amazing artist and you will do that.
Just take care of your health.
Thank you I am taking great care of myself as I learned to place myself first🤗