Good afternoon or whatever it is wherever it is that you are right now, it's me @otherbrandt once again with yet another Campsite Cleanup to bore you to tears with, but first of all I was just wondering have you ever seen a sweaty yeti covered in confetti eating spaghetti and cappelletti while quoting Rossetti down by the bay where the watermelons grow? If so, I would recommend visiting a psychologist because that's some real weird shit right there. But let's not let ourselves get too distracted by your oddly rhyming hallucinations and delusions right now because what I'm actually trying to get at here is that recently me and my wickedly wild and highly risk-inclined pirate ship of a Subaru, Yolo McFukitol, came crazily drifting barely in control of the situation screaming and smoking like an RV rolling down the highway on fire right directly into the Sandy Sanders Wildlife Management Area just outside of Erick, Oklahoma. Once the dust settled and the buzzards started circling to clean up after us we off-loaded the barrel of white dog we'd stolen in Albuquerque that morning and got ourselves good and whiskey-lit while digging a ditch around the perimeter and throwing up a quick little palisade of sharpened sticks to prepare for the inevitable raid by a gang of dangerous and very angry New Mexican distillers. Since they were all probably trotting along after us on horseback we figured we had plenty of free time to kill waiting for battle so we got down and dirty with doing the thing that we're pretty close to halfway decent at doing:
writing poetry.
Toilet paper
Bratwurst
Snuff
Rusty pipe
Pot
Welcome mat
Fishing pole
Eggshells
Wine bottle
Beer can
Beer bottle
Bet you can't write a poem with all those words.
…
…
…
Hey you with the fishing pole you're a daffy dastard
Don't tread on my welcome mat you madcap bastard
You tossed a wine bottle and a beer can over there
Threw a beer bottle then left eggshells everywhere.
Hope you liked the bratwurst it's the last you'll ever chow
All the pot and snuff in the world can't save you now
'Cause I saw you drop the toilet paper after you wiped—
And now I'm comin' for you with a rusty pipe.
That toilet paper really looks like it is on some cow manure. Did someone wipe a cow's butt? And what did that welcome mat originally say, I wonder. I suck at word puzzles. It would be pretty exciting if you could get some sort of flash image in your head of the last time all those pieces of trash were touched by their former owner. I have an image of a hunter with a bloody knife in one hand from recently cleaning a kill, while hungrily biting into that bratwurst with his clean hand and the bite breaking off with a crispy sort of snap sound. And then there is the guy with the snuff, spitting a wad from his cheek into the grass and then scratching his butt. Oh yuck, I'm so glad this isn't a thing - I'm already grossed out for you.
Thanks for the lovely imagery. I try not to think too much about the people I clean up after, for reasons you've so vividly touched upon :D
!PIZZA
I generally try to think a lot about such people. Should probably stop that.
Don't stop. People like me need people like you to think about people like them for us :)
Oh good, I can return all those self-help books to the library now:)
Brilliant!
I was moved to tears. And now, when people ask you where you get your motivation, you can point them to this wonderful blog! Top notch entertainment, good sir, thank you!
Glad you enjoyed the show, thanks for stopping by! Hope you like
:)
Fancy pizza
I'm glad you're not in Mexico. It's a very nice article, well done
Good thing you're not in New Mexico anymore. I heard there was some crazy naked guy running around out in the backcountry hollerin' nonsense at broken trucks and wankin' it in the weeds with a bar of soap.
Stay safe.
I like your poem.
New Mexico sounds like the wild west. I will steer clear of it in the future.
Thanks! It is truly a masterpiece.
!PIZZA
Those must be that rare blue moon variety appearance of sea bay watermelons.
That’s quite the, um, rusty pipe.
I’m trying to read the half words on the half welcome mat and can’t.
Fishing pole? What a score.
😂 love the poem. Beautiful.
I can't imagine what else it could possibly look like.
!PIZZA
I'm certain you can't because it's too small in comparison.
What are you talking about? Size doesn't matter.
Size matters very much in the above situation, along with many more. Do I really need to spell out the alphabet on the dark side?
I thought you could give someone tetanus with any old rusty pipe. Nobody told me I'd have to have a specific size. Does that mean I lose the fight?
If you don't get the rusty pipe hitting home into hurty bleedy connection land first bat up, you might be struck out by the garbage spewing monster, so it's kind of dicey. If you're true on course, you win first ball up.
Nice post!
I have always wanted to write the above then F-off, just to see what all the buzz is about but alas I read some rules on leaving catchy comments and apparently I am supposed to tell you a specific part of the post that appealed to me so that you know I really read it... Ugh... OK here goes...
Nice post, I particulary liked the bit with the:
Pork, water, salt, spices, sodium tripolyphosphate, lemon powder (dextrose citric acid, natural flavour, (lemon oil), onion salt. I know this may have been an odd thing for a vegetarian to really enjoy, but I did.
I trust this fulfils any and all contractual obligations burdened upon me with regards to being eligible to meet the criteria to facilitate posting a comment here.
So now you know I read the post, right? I mean how else would I know about the Pork, water, salt, spices, sodium tripolyphosphate, lemon powder (dextrose citric acid, natural flavour, (lemon oil), onion salt, huh?
Oh and the pipe, I liked the pipe, yeah the pipe was cool.
Say does anybody know the way to the Antler Liquor Store in Westcliffe, Colorado?
!PIZZA
Nice post!
That's vegetarian pork so I'm sure you would enjoy it.
To find the Antler Liquor Store in Westcliffe, Colorado, one must first find Jesus.
Believe it or not, and you should because it's true.
One of the products I make in my job is vegetarian pork roasts alongside beef, chicken and gammon roasts of course. But, I also make vegetarian frankfurters and bratwurst, interestingly enough, (have you ever noticed how people use the phrase "interestingly enough" when they are telling you something that is so far removed from interesting it does not even deserve to share the same universe?)
Jeez! Thanks for making me think about work when I have a few days off... 😂
Oh by the way, I did find Jesus, he was sitting outside a McDonalds in the local town centre wielding a placard that read...
"The end is high..."
I think I saw that same placard guy in Chicago about 15 years ago. The end is apparently still nigh.
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thanks guys!