How long, is long enough?
Get your mind out of the gutter.
How long is long enough to hold a grudge for a perceived slight?
We have all been offended at some point in our life by someone we have then chosen to take a disliking to, but how long should we carry around the burden of dislike and how much effort should we put into getting a perceived revenge?
You have likely noticed that I have used the word "perceived" twice in terms of the slight and the revenge, because often, that is what both are, a self-originating belief that there was firstly a slight and secondly, future actions are some kind of revenge for the slight.
For instance, someone who feels like they have been offended or harmed in some way and builds that feeling of resentment, likely has the feeling that their dislike is in itself a type of revenge, where the "perpetrator" is missing out on the victim liking them, or some other interaction. For example, we se it on Hive when people get offended by someone on the platform, and they then threaten to quit, as if them quitting is going to bring the whole system down.
Then come the perceived revenge, where perhaps they do quit, thinking that "that'll show them" without considering the cost of their actions. Or, they go on some ranting campaign against the perpetrator of their perceived harm, as if it has the desired effect of revenge. What comes to mind for this case, is a couple weeks ago after I mentioned something in a comment, the person "quit" and called my a bagholder. In their mind, this might have been a huge insult, but being a HIVE "bagholder" is something I am quite satisfied with. I like holding HIVE, so where is the insult?
Yet, this is the problem with perception, because it doesn't actually need lend itself to reality. The two things can be completely misaligned. I often use a simple illustration for this where a wife asks her husband if she looks good in a dress and the husband responds, with the wife hearing "you look fat". Her immediate emotional reaction is likely to feel the pain of his insensitive comment and respond angrily. However, if the husband then corrects here and says, "I said fab, not fat" - she should recognize the gap between perception and reality and that her emotional outburst, was not warranted, it was not valid at all.
What if the husband doesn't correct her and just walks away?
So, now there is a perceived slight that was never based on reality that is hanging over the relationship. And likely, the wife is going to remember that moment and hold a grudge as if she was a victim of insensitivity. How long will she hold it for? Which takes me back to the original question,
How long, is long enough?
I think that this is an interesting thing to consider because most likely, we are all carrying around slights from the past that when they come to mind, pain us again. We haven't let them go. They are baggage, making us, you guessed it,
Bagholders.
But, unlike a bag of HIVE tokens, what is the value of us carrying around this past harm, perceived or real, constantly being hurt by it? Where is the value in giving people we might not like any thought at all? Rather than harming them, we are actually using our energy to harm ourselves, losing opportunity and space for better experience and empowering the object of our dislike - even if they do not know it at all.
Why do we put so much of our energy into things that don't give us some kind of return? Well, perhaps there is a return. Maybe it is the return of relevance, where a person feels that their perceived revenge, is an impact on the person they dislike. It might make them feel like they matter in that person's life, because that person matters in theirs.
Dislike is caring.
Caring about what the other person thinks, even if that other person has no idea of the existence of their obsessor. It is like a stalker who stalks a celebrity, but the celebrity doesn't have any idea they are being stalked, or who the stalker is at all. They are a "non-event" in their life, making no impact.
But of course, stalking is an extreme of this behavior, however holding a grudge is quite a common condition. So, I wonder how many people are actually able to let their grudges go, to forgive or at least forget about the past transgressions of others in their life and move on. They say the best revenge is to live one's best life, but if we are spending our energy on holding onto pain from the past, are we living our best life?
We all have baggage I guess, but it is worth running through our mental rooms and working out what we want to keep, and how much trash there is to throw away. I know that over the years, I have let a lot go, so rather than hold onto emotional bags, I can hold a lot of HIVE instead.
How long will I hold?
To the moon, and then onto the sun.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
I'm definitely not one to hold onto baggage. I like to give second chances. I like to give opportunities to allow people the opportunity to change. I don't waste time on grudges or hate, I simply ignore and move on.
Ignore and move on is the best way to go in these things. I don't mind second chances, but I am definitely twice as aware at that point.
Exactly said, this are same reason people just get angry or hate others,for matters they might not really know more about just what they perceived or hear say, then they hate for no just cause,
I was telling a friend I actually love dialogue cause many people harbour things in their minds they should have let go a long time, and as you rightly said these things are just mare perception not necessarily true and so they hate
When they're room for discussion it's breeds understanding
As for me I don't harbour anything in my mind I simply let go and move on straight up
Dialogue also helps sort stuff out between people and come to a common understanding. Sometimes, that understanding is "we'll never talk to each other again" :)
I've recently had a situation where I came to some discord askingon newbie channel about tags to let curators know about my content and been told off by moderator that 'it is community here, how dare you come here asking for help without even saying "hello" - it shows how self centered you are'😁
And it happened in "community" which claims it is trying to help onboard new users, come on.
As insignificant it may be I've removed my delegation to them and I am not gonna interact with them in the future, but nah I am too insignificant to go on crusade ;)
I find that in those discords, people tend to get some kind of sense of power and then, feel that they have authority. People expect others to act how they want them to act, regardless of whether it is a common thing or not. This is human nature perhaps.
I love everyone in the Hive. This is a wonderful blockchain. The only thing I'm going to do in the future is kick a spaminator's ass. But it will not be soon, it is not easy to accumulate 1 million Hive :)
It definitely isn't easy to get 1M unless you have a bout 270K worth of something to buy it with :)
Spaminator is very imperfect, but it is still needed. For instance, if people were to only self-vote their own content, the system would collapse.
The system is very stable :) And a 90/10 ratio would be ideal for this system. For investors, but not for farmers.
You reminded me of a joke we use in spanish social media:
"I want to be alone, everyone leave facebook"
In these cases, and all the cases where hate or grudges are involved I feel it's better to forgive and don't forget it's the best escenario, because you don't carry in yourself the selfdestruction of hate or the feeling, but you ar conscious of who you are dealing with and his weaknesses. So you go into measuring his reactions to certain things developing a profile if needed. There are cases when you can't just leave the person, like it happens on family matters or at work, so this assesment is eventually useful and a nice cup of wisdom to carry for future cases.
Forgetting doesn't really happen. Forgiving is at best, rare. However, having the memory means being aware of the person and their behavior for future interactions, if there must be future interactions. At some point though, even family get cut off if their behavior is unacceptable often enough.
It hurts yes, it does. No matter how offensive the person has made you I prefer to forgive because it's never a good one in our health. Let go and be free!!!
Have you ever truly been able to forgive? I haven't met anyone who has. They say they have, but at some point in the future, when it serves them, they will bring the case up again, with the same emotional feeling. That is not forgiving.
Sometimes I think too deep and realize I have to give up the computer I use as I get old.I don't know what I would once everything is taken away. I mean if all reasons to live for are taken and yet forced to stay alive. God willing that should not happen and I wont let that happen. But I have taken steps to live in direction which Kind of like thanos, it should have an impact or else it is empty as it is.
Thinking deeply is good, but it is good to let them go too :)
I think I am kind of a vengeful person. If someone intentonally offends me, I would carry that grudge as long as they understand their mistake. I think this commonly occurs between relatives.
I think it is common between relatives. I wonder if there is a cultural element to it? It seems more common in some areas than others.
Undeveloped families
Mr. Taraz, in my experience with the moon and sun, I leave it to this brave and ass ant job, that is behind everything in this life, calmly and as far as this letting go of self-exigency from time to time, but I always start with one day, just one day at a time.
Every day we face situations we'd rather not. Accepting them as they are, and getting over them so tomorrow can start fresh, has value.
That's right, Sir. Taraz value and worth of yesterday of today to live tomorrow.
Just finished watching the series, 'Celebrity', on Netflix. The seemingly trivial things that can trigger a ton of hate and abuse on social media is scary. Especially in this age of photoshop and deepfakes.
The world is insane. People are so disengaged with their own reality, that they cling to entertainment to remain relevant.
I adhere to your sentence, and that sentence is exactly what my mother, who is very gentle at heart, often repeats.
How I have been taught by my mother since childhood that before I go to sleep and before she says good night, my mother invites me to remember the day that I have lived. For some of the painful things that I experienced that day, he asked me to forgive those who hurt me by praying for goodness, so that person would get goodness and change into a better person. Forgiveness is an open heart, a very sound sleep, and waking up the next day full of kindness.
I embrace all that is good and let go of all that hurts before I go to sleep.
You answered very well for those who were hurt by your sentence above.
That is an interesting meditation to do before bed. Reflect on the day, be grateful for what was good, learn from what was not.
I think part of it has to do with how people interact with social media these days. What they don't understand is that Hive is different from other platforms. I've never understood what people think they hope to accomplish when they go on rants like that and tag half the users on the chain. Sure, you might get the "Facebook Effect" where people jump on board your bandwagon and clamor about how horrible it is, but you also have a group of people who will most likely nuke your account into oblivion. Then you're really going to be crying. There are quite a number of communities on Hive that I don't agree with, but I just ignore them.
People love the attention and think all publicity is good publicity, until they find out it doesn't pay them on Hive. It isn't about clicks here that drive ad revenue, it is about stake willing to vote, or downvote as the case may be.
I am more subtle, I tend to give second chances without first making my point. There are two universal criteria:
1.- You forget, and you don't forgive.
2.- Forgive, but don't forget.
I am one of those who forgive offences, but I don't forget them; it's just that my memory is photographic, and I still remember clearly my first day at school…
Particularly I am not satisfied to carry, to put to bed, anything that makes me unhappy. I go on my way and I always try to reach my destination with a smile on my face.
There is no forgetting possible for the most part, if the pain was strong enough. Pain is a teacher that engages the memory, whether we want it to or not. Even forgiving, I am not so sure about, because people I have met might say they forgive, until the next time they are hurt by something and the dredge it up.
For me, I mostly just move on, making the person irrelevant in my future.
That is one's personal experience. If we want to be forgiven for our own wrongs, we must be open to apologising to those who wrong us. How can we demand something that we are not able to give.
I never expect to be forgiven, because I don't think forgiveness truly happens. It is just ignored until convenient to bring it up again.
I think satisfaction is the biggest thing. It's not a bad thing if you're content as an HIVE "bugholder". And what is wrong with it?
Nothing is wrong with it, in my head.
Hurts isn't worth holding onto. A wiseman once said that hatred is like drinking poison hoping that the other person (the subject of their hate) get hurts.
When we hate, we harm ourselves, hoping that another is hurt.
There's absolutely no need holding onto it.
Yeah! Hive is worth holding.
Not one to hold onto baggage and prefer to move but I live by these quotes after:
I'm taking a mental note, never to use 'fab' to describe how a woman looks. It's not worth the risk haha
Your post reminded me of the term "Living rent-free in someone's head". I agree with a lot of what you've said. Holding a grudge is giving the other person too much power over you. What's even worse is if you're holding a grudge and they don't even remember you or know who you are. They're moving forward, while you're stuck in the past.
People 'insulting' you with something that you want to do or enjoy doing is really funny. I don't even know how bagholder is even an insult. It's like telling an NBA player, you only play basketball for a living. People should learn that not everyone has the same likes and dislikes. What seems bad for them can actually be the ideal for others.
I am the kind of person who holds grudge and doesn't forget most of the unpleasant past memories. Honestly, it is not good because I am not letting myself move forward and be happy in life instead. You are very correct, we have to let go of such things and it's a big waste of time to drain our energy by repeating those unpleasant things inside our heads.
Let go and forget. Live life to the fullest.