I have never felt a fatherly love, because i grew up without one!
I was just a toddler, father died two days to my birthday. So mourning clouded my birthday celebration and deprived me of having a birthday party, have never celebrated one ever in 3 decades and 25th is another one which always brings back memories.
My mom had always been my father; so the motherly love combined with fatherhood was unmeasurable. Even in my early Adulthood before she passed on too, we fight and might not talk on the phone for weeks. But deep inside me i miss her and she sure misses me because you could tell the day i decide to call her and say hi.
Though we all have some sad moment in life, but some had multiple moments of sadness than others. Truth is, it is an unbalance universe- some take more good while others require just a tiny bit of it; and others takes all the evil and bad all the days of their lives.
I have searched for motherly love in ladies, had some failed relationships which i have been accused of being too emotional. Become addicted to alcohol after my moms burial, but never find peace in any of this. Nothing could replace the tenderness of a mother talking to her child on the phone or face to face.
I am that steemian with a trauma, a good sleep devoid of night mares about death is like a gift; the days i get a dreamless death sleep are so limited. Not that i am sufferring from insomania but sleep always bring back evil memories, i was asleep when my dear momma passed away in her room the night i decided to pay her a visit.
HOW IT HAPPENED
Like all last born, i was very attached to my mom. Like i said earlier we had fights, i had gone seven months without talking to her over an argument we had. Here i am today, waiting for eternity before i could say "hello mama" again.
I had mentioned this in the past, some might be wondering why she didn't bother contacting me for seven months; then, i destroyed my mobile phone so she couldn't reach me for those agonizing months for her and i- do not judge me, i was a juvenile getting into Adulthood so i tend to make some irrational decisions.
2013 May, was when she departed from us to the great beyond. That particular year, i had not seen her since January after the Christmas Holidays and i had been procrastinating to go visit her since the beginning of the year till May 23rd when i finally made up my mind. It might come as a shock as it was to me that she died overnight that day i got to her place; like she had been waiting for one of her sons to show up before departing in her sleep without any illness.
Till now, i have been suffering like this since that sad year. Guilt is my number one enemy; my siblings i couldn't disclose to, what if she had called my name in the middle of the night before her breath was taken from her? What if my name was the last thing she altered before death took her away from us?I could tell no one, friends and families were calling me lucky to have seen her and talk to her the last, but they have no idea the pains inside of me; the guilt wrecking me from the inside four years onward. I once wrote to an online psychiatrist who advised that i relocate from the Country to lessen this burden off my shoulder, she said a change of Climate might heal me of those pains- but how could i afford that when my Mother's benefit is still been held by the Government of my country?
As many who had read few of my post where i eulogized my dear mother, i have stated what she does for a living- she was a headteacher of an Elementary school, a fine English and Religious Knowledge teacher; one of the finest i have known for she Homed schooled me at some point when she couldn't afford me extra-lessons. She majored in English and Religious Studies, and permit me to say i was one of the best students back in my elementary education days.
So on the 23rd of that evil may, as early as 7:50am i woke up and noticed the stillness in the Flat. It was the last floor of a three story-apartment. I got out of bed and went to the living room which leads to the exit door, i noticed the door was still bolted; then i hurriedly tip-toed to her room.
It was from her posture on her bed i realized something terrible had happened to her, i went close to rouse her up- but she was stone cold and stiff- long gone!
This was my entire joy that had been taken before my very eyes Steemians; i sat in bed with her body not knowing what to do as i was completely mad at that moment. Then her phone starts to ring which brought me back to my senses after about 15mins. I picked up the call and it was my Brother's soon to be mother-in-law on the phone calling to pass some information to my mom- The now late woman i am sitting with her corpse on her bed!
Without letting her speak, i shouted into the Phone; "Ma, my mom is not waking up!"
She recognized my voice instantly an shouted back at me; "Shut up, what are you talking about?" When did you come back? and many more questions. Then she told me to call no one and she got to the flat few minutes later.
I could feel the pains in her voice now, they were both widows counting down to the Wedding of their kids- My brother, the father of Sam my Godson and her Daughter; the Mother of my Nephew!
Then it dawned on me i had become an orphan, it had been a rough and sad year since my dad's passing in October 23rd 1988; fast forward to 25 years later, The widow-My two-in-one: Mother and Father combined who i had vowed to take around the world with me went on to meet her dear husband without announcing, without preparations. My life became a sorrow and a good sleep became a terror without having fears of loosing someone again.
At this point i need help. I can not sleep with someone on the same bed or the same room, same apartment without waking up several times in the night with the fear of them dying before my eyes. This is my plight- my pains- my trauma Steemians, i need some help!
FOLLOW-UPVOTE-RESTEEM AND MAYBE DROP A SUPPORTING OR CONTRARY COMMENT.....It's your friendly Neighbor @oluwoleolaide for Steem-Lagos-Nigeria-Africa-World!
Badge courtesy of @jodi.pamungka Animated Footer by @rituparnaghosh
i was just scrolling through my feed and stumbled upon your post.... first i am so sorry you had to go through all this.... i doubt there is anything anyone can say to ease the pain... i can imagine being in your shoes..... but darling, i think the first thing is to let go of the guilt....presently i am having a lot of guilt issues so i understand how much guilt can destroy.... please let go of the guilt and just maybe something will change... i am really sorry for your loss and i hope you can find the relief you need
Am trying so hard, it's been consuming me.
Thanks for reading my pains, means a whole lot to me.
in the end, you just must not lose hope....you cant give up on you either... its gon be alright....
its the least i could do...
Thanks Barrister, wish you could make it to the Steemit Workshop 1.0 Next week Saturday by 11am...
Is that possible?
In Lagos? I very much doubt because of my weekend engagements but what is the address just in case i can make it
Ikeja...Allen or GRA
We gonna book either of the venue tomorrow, can we chat discreet mode please?
No problem are you on the stach discord channel??
While I do not know your pain, I can somewhat understand. I have not spoken to either one of my parents for almost 9 months. It makes me sad, and mad at myself for not calling them. At this point, I don't even know what I would say to them, because it has been so long. I hope that you find some peace tonight when you sleep. At some point in time, you might find that you really need to speak to a professional that can help. It takes more strength and courage than I have to ask for help, I hope that you can find it.
I will take solace in your response dear friend, i was trying to contain all this sadness then i realize i could pour it all out to the Blockchain without feeling shy.
Thanks for reading through my pains @thewineman
I feel so sad for you @oluwoleolaide :-(. Unfortunately life isn't always as we want it to be. I myself didn't have the childhood like most kids, having lovely parents. I don't even know how mother love feels like. Not that my mother passed away, she is still alive, but "absent" for almost my whole life. There are moments like you have, that I feel very sad and think of how it would be if she was here. My mother has a personality disorder which started in my early years and effected me and my sisters. I have been through a lot in my childhood. I just don't really speak about it to people and people don't see on my face what I have been through. They see a young woman who always has is good, no worries or what so ever. But people have no clue that I actually skipped my entire childhood. Anyways, I wish you all the best, and try to speak to someone who is close to you about your feelings or try to find a shoulder to cry on.
Wow, this beat me to pieces.
Alive and away is more harder, i had accepted the fact that mine died unlike longing for something you can't have. Thanks for sharing this with me; i guess i have to open up to some professional and i hope one of my siblings is reading this. His name is @peman , but hard to have such deep convo with a man.
I tried to speak with a professional, but for me it didn't work out because it brings old "bad" memories up again. I just like to close the chapter. Once in a while I talk about it with my husband but with a professional, I just feel even more sad when I come home after the visit. But hopefully it works for you :-)
Very true, hopefully i get good wife to discuss deep thoughts topics with. Hope you are doing well dear friend; have a bountiful week ahead.
Hello @oluwoleolaide
I can imagine how bad you're feeling, my brother. The world is such a puzzle. However, one thing we must now is that life and death are both part of nature. When we appreciate this, we may be able to find a reason to let go and live again. My condolences. cheer up my friend.
@eurogee
I appreciate your words of comfort my dear friend, bless you!
What a pathetic story, please stop feeling guilty of her death, she may have passed on happily that she saw you again, you really need to change environment and allow time to heal you. Sorry for your loss may not make much meaning right because of how you feel but please you need to allow this pass over you. The nightmares are still coming because you vividly habours the whole incidence within your heart. Cheer up my dear, its well.
Amen dear brother, i appreciate the support.
Hello @oluwoleolaide
You need to take things easy because I can understand how you felt losing your dad few years to your bithday, coz I lost my dad few months to my 6th birthday too so just like you I have my mum as my father and mother in one, and I do pray day and night never too lose her any time from now.
All I can say is that God the one and only one who is greater and bigger than our earthly parents will console and all be with you... Take your time to overcome the pain you are going through...the road may be rough but the end will be great for you...
@bekky
Well i lost my dad 2days to my 3rd birthday...
Brother mi!!! I can't imagine what you go through at all...must be terrible. My deep condolences and please STAY STRONG bro, God is your strength. Don't give up. I wish I could do more to help
Thanks blood, bless you for the sweet words.
Congratulations @oluwoleolaide! You have completed some achievement on Steemit and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :
Click on any badge to view your own Board of Honor on SteemitBoard.
For more information about SteemitBoard, click here
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word
STOP