I waited until marriage before trying to have sex, but on my honeymoon I found that I couldn't. I mean, that I physically couldn't. My husband said it was like he was hitting a wall. No matter how hard we tried or how much we wanted to it was simply impossible. We searched the internet, trying to figure out what could be wrong, when we came across this word:
Vaginismus
Welcome to part 2 of this special edition of Seth's Steemit Blog where Seth isn't actually the author.
I'm Seth's wife Jessica.
This is a continuation of yesterday's article: "I've Never Had Sex With My Husband, Here's Why..." If you're interested in my story, please read it before going on to this entry.
Never heard of Vaginismus? I'm not surprised...
You're not alone in your ignorance. I keep seeing the squiggly red underline so apparently it isn't even in my computer's dictionary.
Here's a definition:
vag·i·nis·mus
noun
- painful spasmodic contraction of the vagina in response to physical contact or pressure (especially in sexual intercourse).
Essentially, when attempting to have penetrative sex, the pelvic floor muscles contract so tightly that the penis is unable to enter. Let me tell you how this feels. I’ll use a food metaphor so that I don’t need to keep typing out the word “penis.”
You’re really hungry. You want to eat to fulfill your appetite. You make yourself a huge feast (not caring about the calories, of course). You go to eat, but when you try to swallow, you find that the food won’t fit down your throat.
To force it down even a little bit, you must endure a stinging feeling so painful that it almost feels freezing cold. It feels as though the food is hitting a wall. In fact, it can often be hard to find the opening to your throat at all. I’m sorry—that was the only way I could think to describe how it felt without actually describing it (also about the freezing cold stinging pain—have you ever experienced pain like that?).
Vaginismus is what I have, and what is preventing my husband and I from having sex. A lot of doctors aren’t even aware of it. I’ve read internet posts from poor women whose doctors suggested they “just get over it” or “keep trying”. Let me tell you—we have tried. Lots. This is a serious psychological issue that takes time, effort and money to overcome. I’m going to go back to the food analogy. Imagine if you physically could not get food down your throat, but people were telling you to “just try harder!” How helpful is that?
Here are the Facts
Since I'm assuming you’ve never heard of vaginismus (lucky bastard) I'm gonna give you some statistics:
- Roughly 2 in 1000 women have vaginismus (that number could be higher—many women are afraid and/or embarrassed to come forward about it)
- There is a higher incidence of vaginismus in women between 15 and 25
- It occurs in approximately 5 out of 1000 marriages in Ireland alone · Occurs across all cultures, religious affiliations, education levels, or intelligence (I guess there has been a bit of a stereotype that only uneducated, Bible-thumping-type women have vaginismus—as for me: I’m Canadian, University educated, Christian. You can make what you will of that and judge my intelligence as you see fit.)
- Potential causes: Fear, anxiety, traumatic events (sexual abuse), childhood experiences (overly rigid parenting, unbalanced religious teaching), and sometimes there is no known cause
- When I saw a doctor about it, he immediately asked if I had been sexually abused (no). Upon researching it, I found a study that showed that only 22% of their respondents had vaginismus in response to sexual abuse
Vaginismus is both psychological and physical. Essentially, it a psychological issue that manifests itself physically. The mind, either consciously or subconsciously tells the body that nothing should enter that area, therefore the muscles contract or enter defense mode. Some have it right from the beginning, others develop it later in life… For example, if you are able to have healthy, functional sexual relationships, but then are raped, you can develop vaginismus. Some women develop it after giving birth.
For me, I remember back when I was about 13 or 14, and I tried to use a tampon. When I finally got the stupid thing in, it was so incredibly painful that I immediately took it out and never tried again. It’s safe to say that I’ve pretty much always had it.
Why is this Happening to Me?
I do think that my lack of sexual education, aside from what the public school system had to offer (which wasn’t much) is a large reason for my vaginismus. Plus, I think that I suffered from “good girl syndrome”, aka, “I’m too good and chaste to do something so dirty.”
So let me tell you right now. If you’re young, unmarried, a virgin, and think you might have a bit of the good girl syndrome, fix it before it becomes a real problem. Get yourself used to the idea of sex. It’s normal, healthy, and yes, completely natural and created by God.
Do I blame waiting until marriage? Not at all.
Waiting until marriage is something that I still 100% believe in. But the attitudes that surrounded my sex education implicitly taught me that it was unnatural and wrong—even within marriage. It is my belief that more open and honest discussion could help many young women in seeing that there is nothing to fear (Side note—I’m not trying to sell you on the idea of waiting until marriage. I’m assuming you’re an adult and you can make your own decisions).
Breaking the Cycle of Fear and Pain
If you’re a parent and you think it’s the State’s job to educate your child about sex—I encourage you to reconsider the role you play in your child’s upbringing. What kind of environment do you want to create for your child? I’m a teacher, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from teaching, it’s that your attitude sets the tone for the students’ attitudes. Because they look up to you.
Similarly, as a parent, your child looks up to you. If you talk to them about sex, in a progressively age-appropriate manner, they will learn that it is a good thing, it’s okay to talk about, and it’s natural. I know, I know, it’s awkward. But consider this—maybe it’s only awkward because you’ve made it so.
If you’re a woman and think you’re suffering from vaginismus: please go to the doctor. I understand it’s hard to talk about. I went to a gynecologist—and a male one at that—but he helped me to understand the root of the problem. Also, know that vaginismus is extremely curable. There’s a very high success rate. You can use dilators to get used to the feeling of being “filled up” (ha ha…I don’t have a joke to make light of that so I just put ha ha). As someone who may or may not be able to use a tampon, using dilators comes across as a very daunting task. But you can do it—and it’s worth it.
I’m currently using dilators to try and overcome it. Once you start using them, you will see progress. Where I used to dread using them (and put it off until the last minute), I now don’t mind it and recognize it as an essential part of my day. Yes—every day. If you want to get good at riding your bike, you need to practice every day. Many websites also recommend seeing a sex therapist. Unfortunately, this is a luxury that we just can’t afford. I have, however, ordered a DVD and book about overcoming the issue.
Moral of the story: don’t make sex such an off-limits topic of discussion. At least from a clinical and/or practical standpoint (I made that distinction clear, right?). If you have questions about vaginismus or related things, I’d be happy to answer them.
And while I’m being so honest—this is the most honest I’ve probably ever been, here are some more confessions: I have no self-control when presented with junk food, I love One Direction, and sometimes wait until my toe nails are unreasonably long to cut them. I’m sorry.
~Jess
Seth's Two Cents
Hello Steemit, Seth here. I just have a few thoughts I'd like to add based on some of my own research and experience with this subject.
First of all, our culture's ignorance about vaginismus causes a lot of pain and confusion. Part of the reason why Jess wanted to write this article was to raise awareness. She and I had never even heard the term "vaginismus" until it had become part of our lives.
From what I've read online, many people have had a similar experience. The total lack of knowledge leads to all sorts of shame, self-doubt and confusion: "what's wrong with me that I can't even sleep with my spouse?" "Am I broken?" "Is this whole sex thing just a myth?" That last question is sort of a joke... I never asked that honestly, but it does start to feel like that. When something so natural feels so impossible you almost wonder if it's real or just an elaborate fiction that the rest of the world is in on.
Second, there's a surprising amount of ignorance even within the medical community. This can be far more damaging than the layman's lack of knowledge. I've read stories online from women who have gone from doctor to doctor who seem to know nothing about vaginismus. Some of them don't even know the word. They'll give false diagnoses like, "It's your anatomy. You're just small down there." —(from the comments section of the linked page)
Even among those doctors who do know the word, some will give incorrect or unhelpful information like, "you aren't ready for sex," "you're just feeling guilty" or worst of all "it probably won't be as tight after you've had kids."
Sometimes they even give harmful advice like, "just have a glass of wine to help you relax." Alcohol on its own will not relax the pelvic floor muscles enough (we've learned this from experience and the research backs it up) nor will it solve any underlying psychological problems. In fact, it may end up creating more psychological issues like a dependence on substances in order to have sex.
Third, I would like to leave you with two of the best online resources I've found.
Thank you so much for reading. Jess and I really hope that this article can help even one person who's feeling the shame and confusion that often accompanies this condition. The more people know about Vaginismus, the more they will be willing to go out and seek help, and the more doctors there will be who are empowered with the correct information.
~Seth
This is easy to cure, buy a big pump-can of lube, and dildos in various sizes. Play with them until your vagina start liking it. We used to call it "Like a Virgin" back in my younger days. Lube is your friend, use a lot of it and just gently work your ways up to it.
Also, Seth, try throwing on a condom and do some anal. :)
Best of luck to you two ;)
That's essentially what dilators are. As you can see in the photo above they range from very small until the get up to the size of an average penis.
It may be a simple cure, but it is definitely not easy. But you're right, lube is our friend.
that's a great title! And i really like your art/animations etc!
(Seth) Thanks! Jess came up with the title and I made the drawing.
nice! do you take commissions? I'd love to have some of your illustration on a future post..not sure what or when but if that;s an option i'll keep it in mind!
I've never done a commission on Steemit but I would certainly be willing to. Feel free to message me on Chat if you want to set something up, I have the same username over there.
Here is A Proposal for Commissioned Art I created for steemit users.
Feel free to use it, adapt it, or completely ignore it.
Thanks
Thank you for sharing this very personal journey. You and your wife are exceptionally brave, and the love you have for each other shines through. I wish you both love and peace.
Interesting, this is kinda like the ladies version of erectile dysfunction. I wish you luck on your journey!
Thanks again for sharing your experience and this topic with us and the world.
Good luck to you two and anyone else that is dealing with this situation.
Thank you again for sharing your experiences. Its a really terrifying experience on both ends to have to go through this situation. As I mentioned before, my past relationship the issue wasn't quite the same as yours and I cannot imagine just what the two of you have gone through and continue to experience, but I can relate a little and appreciate the awareness you are both spreading into our community.
My ex and I never really figured out what was going on, but made the assumption that it was due to sexual trauma. Her and I had a major falling out due to both parties being mentally unstable at the time, and she hates me still, but I plan to email her this article in hopes that she may be able to get help for herself.
Thank you infinitely.
Thank you for this comment. I hope this article can be of some help to her, even if it can just point her in the right direction that would be wonderful.
All I can offer the two of you are prayers and good thoughts. I applaud your willingness to be open about this, sadly we still live in a world where we don't discuss issues like this, consequently we feel out there and alone when we experience things "outside the norm." God bless both of you.
Thank you for your prayers and kind words :)
Please try using Ylang Ylang essential oil. Put some on your finger (maybe with a bit of olive oil) and insert. It really helped me. There was a period in my life when for some unknown reason sex was super painful. Doctors had no suggestion for me, in fact the gynecologist tried to say that I might be allergic to my husband or that he was too big -- ridiculous as it hadn't been a problem earlier in my life. I had no infection. The gynecologist told me to go about with a long skirt and no panties for a long time -- didn't help. Doctors left me to live a sexless life! There tests always revealed nothing wrong.
So one day in my researching I found it sounded like frigidity, which I thought was ridiculous since I had no bad experience with sex, but oh well ... then I looked up frigidity in my essential oils guide and it said to use Ylang Ylang oil in the vagina. So I tried it -- and it was a miracle! After a few uses I was better. For the next couple of years that pain would start to return occasionally and I would just re-insert some Ylang Ylang and it always went away quickly.
I've never heard of that oil. Thanks for the recommendation! I'll look into it.
I also have a theory as to why it suddenly happened to me, and why it is most common amongst 15-25 year-olds. I have no proof, but it is worth considering. Like I said, I had been having sex with no problems until it suddenly became a problem. I think it could be after I had a 3-shot series of Hepatitis B vaccines around age 26. Vaccines have lots of side-effects that are not investigated or acknowledged. The HPV Vaccine started being given in 2006, and now those young girls were 15 are around 25 years old. I just googled and vaginismus is a symptom of HPV the virus itself. Sometimes the vaccines are known to give you the actual disease they are supposed to prevent. For example, people are known to get liver failure from a Hepatitis vaccine, which ironically is supposed to protect you from liver failure. People have gotten polio from the polio vaccine itself, which is why they no longer give the live polio virus vaccine in North America. A friend of mine confided in me that she knew a young girl in our town who claimed that she was a virgin (no reason not to believe her) but had been diagnosed with HPV virus AFTER getting the vaccine. So, maybe you have HPV? Maybe you got that side effect from that vaccine (assuming you have been vaccinated).
What I do know is that for many young women, their period stop and they become infertile after the HPV Vaccine, and I have heard stories of young men who were sexually active before getting the HPV Vaccine, but who became impotent afterwards.
... just food for thought. I have no proof. But it is strange that this is suddenly such a new things -- as you said most doctors have never even heard of it -- and that it is mostly occurring in young women.
Also, not being able to use a tampon as a 13-yr-old doesn't mean that you had this problem already. I couldn't use one either, so I always opted out of swimming etc at that time of the month. Not until after I became sexually active could I stand to insert a tampon.
It isn't 100% proof, I'll admit that. But it is a potential sign that there could be something wrong.
I assume that you have a very good communication in your relationship. Before you solve a problem, you need to see there is one. I can't even begin to imagine what went through your minds. Hope everything gets better.
Honestly, as much as this situation sucks I think it has brought us closer together because we've had to learn to improve our communication and speak openly about these issues.
So funny the part of your computer definign"vaginismus" :D
I like to use a bit of humour to diffuse a somewhat awkward subject
Great article! You have introduced everyone to a condition that very few are aware of, using humor to deflect the pain and embarrassment you must have felt during this journey. Thanks for sharing this personal story.
Thanks for sharing your story. I am familiar with the word as I am self diagnosed with that very condition. Totally sucks. And my poor husband has low testosterone that he has to take shots for so we are just both a hot mess! I had heard of the dilators but never really looked into it. Thinking I might because we've struggled with this for longer than we should have. (Been married 16 years this past July). It's not that it is always unsuccessful but I'll say it is unsuccessful more than it is not :(
Oh boy, 16 years? From what you said about having occasional success I'm guessing your vaginismus isn't the most severe. Correct me if I'm wrong. But even so, that's such a long time to have this problem.
I can't speak to your motivations, but from what I've read it seems as if a lot of people try to just deal with it by not dealing, by accepting a less-than-adequate sex life. They accept that this is just the way they are and it will never be perfect.
Whereas those who try to address the problem through the use of dilators (accompanied by some sort of instruction like in the vaginismus.com treatment kit or sex therapy if they can afford it) have such a high success rate.
For some, success only takes weeks, for others it's months or maybe even a couple years. But there is almost always success. My advice to you is not to settle for painful and/or infrequent sex. Try to get help and address the problem head-on.
Thanks for your comment and good luck to you :)
Thank you! Yes it's most likely not the most severe case but it is pretty bad. I think I fall into the category of the dealing with the less than adequate sex life. I guess we just are both used to it. I really should take some steps to get it addressed better. It helps that my husband and I are super close and he is very undersanding. Don't think we could've made it 16 years and counting if not. Good luck to you guys as well!
It takes a lot of love, patience and communication from both sides in order to make a relationship work with this problem. It sounds like you two have a great marriage. I wish you all the best and hope that you do end up taking steps to achieving a cure.
Great article. I am in my final year of medical school, and this topic was brought up a couple years ago... but not in much detail . I am sorry that you are experiencing this frustration. While reading this article, something astonishingly similar came to mind....psychogenic male erectile dysfunction. A condition that is "psychological" but causes the physical symptom of erectile dysfunction. From working as a medical student, this problem is much more common. I have witnessed these symptoms in males at medical offices. These younger individuals come in, asking for "ED pills," and there is always a question that must be asked: Do you ever have an erection in the morning? Most say yes! For them it is not a "blood supply problem but one that is either caused by performance anxiety, fear of not being able to maintain an erection, or maybe even abuse (which is more rare in males). Many times these patients will be able to recall a time when they were not able to have an erection, and the vicious cycle continues.
My question to you guys: Are your pelvic floor muscles tense in the morning, or when not thinking about sex at all? I would imagine they are not. Also ask yourself this: Before attempting to be with your husband, are you nervous or thinking in your mind that your pelvic floor muscles will tighten?
I think the self awareness you guys have is great. I do not have much management experience with this condition so I am not sure if these suggestions will be helpful. However, I think physical remedies may help "ease the mind" for some, but not for all. "Mental relaxation" and the ability to overcome the even "subconscious" anxiety may be necessary. I don't like separating the physical from the psychological because they are all connected.
Here is my try at therapy!
I'm glad to hear that it was at least mentioned at your med school. And thanks for the suggestion. And in relation to your suggestion: part of the recovery process will involve gaining more control over the pelvic floor muscles.
Good glad to hear that is part of the plan. What you always must ask in that moment though is...am I still thinking about it? If at any moment you are, it will likely lead to frustration. It takes more than the actions of therapy and more of the mind. Hopefully, with slowly just connecting, it will work...but maybe longer than you hope. I think a good example is BREATHING. If someone gives you breathing exercises, do you think you will think about breathing...of course! However, I am not thinking about breathing as I type this, yet I am still breathing. I think a good thing to try is not thinking about the problem in the pelvic floor at all. Just think about connecting.
Thanks again for your advice. Overcoming the mental barriers is certainly the hardest part.
Speaking from personal experience this is what worked for us:
Patience + Lube + Vibrators + Sometimes a bit of alcohol = kids
The product of the equation helps A LOT! Two natural births later and the issue is now minor for us.
Good luck. I know it can be very difficult.