Memoir
/ˈmemˌwär/ noun. a record of events written by a person having intimate knowledge of them and based on personal observation. Usually memoirs. an account of one's personal life and experiences; autobiography. the published record of the proceedings of a group or organization, as of a learned society.
It's nearly week 29. Our parents, without them we literally would not even exist. Sometimes our parents give us valuable advantages in life through their lessons and sometimes we inherit from them a kind of psychological maze in which it's our job as adults to learn how to escape from. Each of these things are a lesson but some take more time than others to decipher. This prompt was particularly tough for me because it stirred up so many memories and a few words left unsaid but it's an important part of my story so I feel it's important to tell.
Memoir Monday has grown so much that I won’t be able to comment on everyone’s posts anymore (and get my own work done) but I’ll still be supporting your posts with reblogs, votes, and shares on my other social media accounts (X, Facebook, etc.).
For all of those who’ve regularly participated in Memoir Monday - keep going, you’re making great progress in chronicling your very own life story for future generations to enjoy.
For those who missed the inaugural post explaining what the Memoir Monday initiative is all about you can find it here.
Now for next week’s Memoir Monday prompt:
How would you describe your parents' relationship?
My answer:
My parents’ relationship, like all relationships, was a mixture of good and bad. When they were younger, my dad was the somewhat stereotypical, “bad boy” and my mom was the reserved and well-behaved, “good Catholic girl”. Honestly, they couldn’t have come from worlds that were more different.
My dad could be outgoing, moody, and gregarious. My mom was quiet, steady, patient, and reserved. While it’s often true that opposites attract I think this can present its fair share of challenges as time goes on.
My parents were married a full seven years before they had their first son (me) in 1971. My dad was five years older than my mom but had done a whole lot of living by the time they met. From the mid 1950’s through the early 1960’s he was in both the US Army and Air Force. After this he got married and settled down for a few years working as a firefighter and lumberjack in the Pacific Northwest. By that time dad had done a lot of traveling: criss-crossing America, hitchhiking, and occasionally even hopping freight trains.
My mom never lived on her own as an adult. She went straight from her parents’ house to living with my dad. I think by the time my dad met my mom he felt he was ready to settle down into a quiet life of stability and raise a few children. My mom brought that safety and stability to the relationship and I think my father brought strength, spontaneity, and excitement.
My dad had a very challenging childhood and because of this he had a lot of demons. This trauma was never addressed so it would manifest itself as depression and anger. My dad would go for weeks of being loving and fun but then suddenly his mood would turn dark and he would become somber, angry, and withdrawn. We were always left to figure out what caused this drastic change. It usually happened on the weekends after particularly stressful work weeks.
I grew up watching the quality of our family life and his marriage with my mom dependent upon what kind of mood my dad was in. My brother and I witnessed my mom keeping the family together when my father withdrew from us. Dad was the best person with a heart of gold, he never physically abused any of us but he would have outbursts where he slammed doors, threw things, and sometimes he would just get quiet and ignore us for days. Sometimes he would take off walking on foot and be gone for most of the day.
As tough of a situation as this was for us growing up, I don’t blame him for it and I know my mom doesn’t either. We all were familiar with my father's backstory. He lost his father when he was three years old and he and his older sister grew up in a series of foster homes where abuse and neglect was common.
My dad was just never taught to process any of those feelings. To be honest, it took a huge toll on us all as a family. I just wish therapy would have been more accepted in the lower middle-class during the 1970s. I often think about the hours, days, and years of good times we missed out on as a family because my dad was depressed and sleeping the day away or had left the house in a fit of rage. My mom was always left to stay home and take care of my brother and I.
My dad was a wonderful father in all other aspects, he was a good provider, he was present (when he wasn’t in a bad mood), and we did a lot together, and had great fun. But witnessing the dysfunction of my parents’ marriage affected both my brother and I deeply. As adults, I think it took us the first decade of our adult lives to overcome the trauma of it all. Both of us ended up getting in dysfunctional relationships ourselves, unconsciously repeating the cycle.
As my dad approached his mid-fifties he began taking antidepressants and his anger started to mellow. His outbursts became less frequent. My parents moved to Florida in 2003 and I think the abundance of sunshine there really helped to improve my dad’s mood but it never fully left him.
As their lives progressed I think my mom became better at standing up for herself and both of them learned to communicate their feelings to each other. I think this helped their marriage tremendously. There’s zero doubt they loved and cared for each other through it all and they were both phenomenal parents in almost all aspects.
My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimers in 2017 and my mom cared for him until he passed away from Covid in 2020. His dementia was getting very advanced at the end. He would have good days and bad. Although he did a decent job of hiding it, during the bad days he was having hallucinations, seeing children who weren't there and long lost relatives. He didn't even know who my mom was some days but he got to spend his last years in his own home and my mom took amazing care of him through all of those ups and downs. They were together for over a half a century. The love they shared was deeper and even more apparent in those later years than it ever was before. Their relationship served as a good, and sometimes in the early years, a bad example to my brother and I about what a healthy marriage should look like.
I believe most of us humans do the best we can in the moment with the tools at our disposal and this is how I think of my parents' relationship. If we're lucky, I think all of us spend the first part of adulthood discovering our blind spots and healing from certain aspects of our childhood. Sometimes our parents provide us examples of what we should be and sometimes they provide us examples of behaviors that we shouldn't repeat and each of these are lessons. This is just a fact of life. My parents' story spanned over a half-century and, thankfully, consisted of many more good chapters than bad. We could all hope to be that lucky.
Rules of Engagement
- Please reblog this first post and share on other social platforms so we cast the widest net possible for this initiative;
- Pictures paint a thousand words. Include pictures in your posts if you have them;
- Answer each Memoir Monday prompt question in your own post. If possible, the prompt question will be published in the week prior so you'll have the entire week to answer and publish your own post;
- Have fun with it, don't worry about getting behind, or jumping into the project at any point after we've begun; and
- Lastly, be sure to include the tag #memoirmonday.
It's that simple.
At the end of the next twelve months we'll have created something immensely valuable together. It's so important to know our "whys" in life and there's no better way to do that than this.
Someday all that will be left of our existence are memories of us, our deeds, and words. It's up to you to leave as rich of a heritage as possible for future generations to learn from. So, go ahead, tell your stories. I can't wait to read them.
Be well and make the most of this day. I want to sincerely thank all of the participants thus far. I've really enjoyed reading your posts!
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I can't imagine how hard that must have been. My wife is a firm believer that trauma is generational, so at some point someone needs to get help or it is going to just keep getting passed along. It might not look the same, but the traces are there. In the end though, it sounds like the good memories are more than the bad and that's all we can really hope for I think. My mom and dad seemed to grow closer when he retired and my sister and I finally moved out of the house. I guess that's the way it works.
The weird thing about that kind of childhood trauma is, in a way, it seems "normal" when you're going through it. The hard part comes later as you discover it wasn't normal and then you have to find ways to heal so you don't continue the cycle. I think your wife is right, generational trauma is real. This might seem like a stretch but I think there's past trauma at the DNA level from ancestors we've never even met. There were definitely many more good memories than bad in our case. We were just kind of figuring out everything together. My dad made some good strides in communication the last decade of his life but would have benefited greatly from on-going talk therapy and maybe some psychedelic medicine. The psychedelics have been shown to actually rewire your brain to help you heal. I'm glad your parents grew closer! That's a challenge, I'm sure, while you're raising children...mainly because of the lack of time.
I remember my parents used to argue and in the grand scheme of things it seemed pretty bad at the time, but now that I look back it was actually quite mundane over the silliest things. Kind of like my wife and I do now. So the eyes of youth definitely focus things in a different light or vice versa. I'm glad your dad was open to the meds. I actually found out some stuff a while ago that I won't get into here, that I often wonder if it would have changed things in my youth... Sorry for being so cryptic, just saying I understand what you are getting at.
This is a rare gift she gave him. To me she sounds heroic.
The portrait of your father is so very human. He wasn't perfect, but it seems his demons tortured him, and he tried to protect the family from the worst of it.
I think you had fantastic parents. Lucky :)
She was heroic in many ways but gave up a whole lot in the process. In the end it all worked out. Since my dad passed in 2020 she's made friends and is figuring out who she is. It's been fun to watch her grow in those ways.
You're exactly right about my dad. When he would leave and be gone that's when the demons were at their worst. I think he realized he didn't have full control and didn't want to subject us to it.
I was blessed with two great parents. They were human and had their flaws but we all do. Luckily we found ways to grow and to evolve and not carry on the cycle of dysfunction.
I read this story and I was just going to talk about the fact that maybe good therapies would have managed to control your father's character. In this relationship I see that your mother deserves a statue: few women would have been able to cope with that situation as she did. It would be nice to hear her feelings, her vision of the relationship. It must not have been easy. I imagine you as a child and I want to hug you. It must not have been easy for you either. Especially since, in childhood, we don't know how to act in the face of adult crisis. Thanks for sharing a piece of your life with us, friend. Hugs
Absolutely! I think psychedelic therapy would have really helped. Things like psilocybin, ketamine, and DMT are being used in wonderful ways to heal people from past trauma. Yes, I can't imagine how tough this was on my mom when we were young. She carried a monumental amount on her shoulders, I see that now that I'm an adult. I think her faith is what got her through it. We talk about it now, I speak with her at least twice a day on the phone. Thanks Nancy! Thankfully, both my brother and I have largely healed from it. I had relationships when I was younger where I tried too hard, gave away too much of myself, and made too many sacrifices...emulating what I saw in my parent's marriage. I still do this sometimes but at least I'm aware of it and have become better at setting boundaries. I hope you are having a wonderful week!
I once read, Eric, about the desirability and inconvenience of losing your memory. In that article, about the movie Memento by Christopher Nolan, the author talked about how the human being manages to block some memories that can be painful and that many of the diseases involving memory, may be linked to that need to erase, unconsciously, “things” of life. I am not saying that this is the case of your father, but I remembered how some passages of our life can hurt us and we try not to let this damage affect our loved ones.
This way we are fine. Even with X blocked, with heat, but fine. A big hug and take care of yourself
Ah, this is a nice one! Not sure if you missed the last one I wrote (the bike one) - know you're busy - but I'm starting to really love these writing challenges!
Thanks! Sorry about missing that, I voted and shared it last night. I'll take the time to read it today. These initiative has been so cathartic for me. I'm trying to intersperse fun prompts with ones that dig a little deeper for that very reason. I hope it's cathartic for others too.
Oh hey, what month were you born? I'm October '71.
This story is affirmation that we're only human - we can't really blame our parents for being faulty, only forgive and find a way to overcome any trauma they've unintentionally passed on to us. You gotta marvel at what some people carry yet are never given the resources to overcome, especially when therapy wasn't common and men had to swallow their emotions and carry on and provide.
How lovely they were together all of that time - you weather the storm or you don't, I suppose, but if you do, that love just deepens. They were lucky in that way.
June for me! I'm just slightly older. What a great time to be born! Do you feel the same way? We grew up in an analog world and were ushered into a digital one. I feel like I can relate to both. I think only our generation (in the Western world anyway) can say that.
You're right! It's a cop out and stumbling block to blame anyone, I really believe that. I think this is why some people are paralyzed in their evolution. The only way forward is to heal ourselves. What amazed me about my dad is he retained a very kind heart and a great sense of humor despite unspeakable suffering. He told me once about a foster family that would make him keep the coal furnace lit at night and would beat him if the fire went out. So he had to stay up most of the night and still make it to school. That same family would feed him cold cereal while they fed their own children things like ham and eggs for breakfast. I can't even imagine.
Yes, they weathered the storm. That's so rare these days.
We are kind of seeing the same scene now at my home, though Dad is not that bad and having mild Dementia. They are also together for over half a century and Dad does recognize everything but at times behaves what he thinks is right.
I'm very sorry to hear your father is going through that. It's so challenging. Have you been tested for the gene? My brother and I both carry it. It doesn't mean that we'll develop dementia but we're more likely to than the average person. Diet and lifestyle can better your odds of developing dementia even if you have the gene so it's helpful to know sooner rather than later.
No, we have not tested for gene, we will just face whatever comes our way. We are not likely to survive this long, but who knows !!
Thanks for sharing about your parents' relationship. It must be tough to dig into the past, especially when we want to forget the bad times. Your parents are strong enough to keep their marriage through ups and downs.
You're welcome, thanks for reading. Topics like this are tough to write about but can be very therapeutic. I wrestled with how much I wanted to share publicly but in the end I decided to be open about it because it might help others open up as well.
All I can say that they had a strong relationship that did lead them a 40-years old marriage, which is not common nowadays.
Yes, everything comes at a price. We just have to decide if the price is worth paying.
Yoou were lucky to have a complete family. Your father and mother were responsible and provided love for you and your younger siblings. Even though your father count control his emotions, he is still the best father for his children. I think when he was young he was very handsome and resembled president Kennedy. Good bless your family, Eric.
I was lucky in SO many ways, Eliana. I realize this even more as I've gotten older. My dad was a phenomenal father in many of the ways that really mattered. I'll always be grateful to him for the things he taught us and did for us. Thank you. Bless you and your family as well!
Parents relationship: there are different tales in this direction
Glad to really hear about your parents relationship and I must say I was able to learn quite a lot of things
#hive #posh
As you say, therapy would have helped your father a lot to cope with everything he faced as a child. Your mother undoubtedly did very well in carrying on the relationship despite everything.
At that time, these situations were quite normal, it was common for them to happen in homes
Thank you very much, dear friend @ericvancewalton, for sharing this life experience
Have a lovely afternoon
It is good to dust off memories, they leave lessons. Kind regards
https://peakd.com/hive-106316/@charjaim/memoirmonday-29how-would-you-describe-your-parents-relationship-my-answer
Just happened to read this article about relationship between your parents. Sometimes men proved to be strong outside, but when something hurts them they throw the full anger to exert pressure from within. And thats to the family members. Its because of more love and care towards family. My home was something similar to this. But should appreciate the relationship they had among eachother until your father passed away, your mom definitely being a strong personality.
I would have liked to have many pictures like this of my parents, but there were not many cameras there.