In college, I think I was raped by a girl.
Or at least, "sexually manipulated". Rape is a strong word, but just hear me out.
It was near the end of my first year of college, I was 19 at the time. My friend Jessica was a year older and had a house off campus. We were good friends at the time and we hung out a bunch. Basically zero sexual attraction to her though. (Just not everyone is your type.)
We were watching a movie on the couch, and at one point she said she was cold and got up to get a blanket. I had suspected she had a little bit of a crush on me, and was wondering if she was gonna try to make a move.
We were sitting close and she was rubbing my thigh, and the energy that she wanted something sexual was getting increasingly obvious.
"You're hot, Bryan," she told me, sort of smirking to be tantalizing about it.
I had a girlfriend in high school with whom I had sex with a few times, so I wasn't a virgin, but I hadn't done much of anything with girls at college. And I know it sounds really dumb (just trying to explain where my mind was at the time), but I felt almost like as a guy you need to prove yourself in some way to get laid every so often, like you score some sort of social esteem, and that it's really weird for a guy to turn down sex.
So all those variables at play, I just kind of went with it. She kept rubbing my thigh and kissed my cheek, and I want to admit I was genuinely turned on at this point. She put her hand near my crotch and could tell I was hard, and she laughed and started kissing me more and straddled over me.
I was really turned on.
But being turned on doesn't mean you want to have sex.
I've never dealt well with conflict, and it's something I've learned about myself kind of recently. I'll often do what causes the least friction in the moment rather than what's necessarily right or best. And by the time she had my jeans down I just went with it and wasn't gonna insist she stop.
We did it a couple times, and eventually her roommate came home, and it was kind of embarrassing cause it was obvious we were naked under the blanket.
What happened to me was confusing and in some ways maybe wrong. But I want to be clear that it's completely different than the classic rape situation of physically forcing your way with someone. That's horrific and I'm not trying to draw any comparisons to that. Just, I did end up having sex when I didn't actually want it. I feel taken advantage of. And I think in some weird way it helps me come to terms with it by using a strong word to describe it.
It doesn't mean I think Jess did anything wrong. If she misinterpreted what I wanted or put more pressure on me than she should have, it doesn't make her a bad person, and I don't blame her for it.
If anything I blame myself for going along.
I just wish it was easier to talk about it and get the support you need when something like this happens to a guy. Most people think guys just always want sex, and wouldn't even take it seriously if I said how I felt about it. They'd be more likely to make fun of me for it. And I guess one of my motivations for sharing this is to say that emotional manipulation is a real thing, and that it can happen to guys, too.
I'm doing fine and this wasn't a scaring memory or anything. I have a girlfriend now and we have a fun and, I think, healthy sex life. I do wish it never happened, and for a while it confused me, but I don't think it's hurt me or held me back in any lasting way.
My friendship with Jess was never really the same.
I tried to rationalize it as normal, consensual sex.
The way I'd feel around her though just wasn't right. It could be my imagination, but it was almost like there was an air of her feeling proud about something.
I felt powerless when I was around her. And it just wasn't the same, and we kind of gradually became less close.
There was one time later on when we were drunk and we made out, but we never had sex again, and she never really tried to make another move for it.
We still keep in touch today, just every now and again. Maybe I'll talk to her about it some day. Maybe I'll talk to my girlfriend or some of my close friends. I'm at the point where I think I feel ready to do that. Just typing this out is incredible and makes me feel light. I've never talked with anyone about this before, and it feels great to just put it out in the open and say how I feel. I really appreciate this outlet, and I'd appreciate anyone who has any kind of thoughts or feedback for me. Thanks :)
-Secret Writer
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I had a similar experience when I was 16 except mine lasted for 3 months. I was told by my firends mother whom I lived with that I was going to be kicked out the following day and to pack my things. Late that night I woke up to find her slipping into my bed naked. I was completely shocked and felt used and it was pretty clear that as long as I "paid the rent" I was safe from eviction. She went waaay to far and begun groping me whenever I was near - even in public. The worst part is when I tried to avoid her and seek refuge I was ridiculed both for sleeping with her and complaing about it. It made me torn and conflicted and spend as much time on the surrounding streets as possible. Luckily I found another friend who was king enough to spare me his couch.
This is horrible and I'm so sorry this happened to you! As @bones said, I think that would count as statutory rape. In any case, I'm just sorry to hear things like this and to think about how you were/are affected by this.
OH that is horrible. I believe you were definitely raped. You were young and impressionable and couldn't make adult decisions, obviously. Sorry you had to go through that. Is pressing charges an option for you?
I am sorry that you went through this experience. Given the fact that you were a minor and the age difference between you and the mother was great, I would classify this as rape.
Wow that's wild man. I can't really add to what others said except ya that's horrible she would do that when you're just 16, and I hope you're ok and everything. Thanks for sharing. If you ever want to talk more feel free to follow me or drop me your email or anything like that.
leaning how to reject people without being hurtful is probably the toughest and most important skill to master. And not just for sexual things either.
That's the thing about guy/girl friendships that crossover to sexaully intimate. It might work and it might not as an exclusively committed relationship. But if it doesn't, then it can become awkward, and ultimately end the friendship.
The last picture reminds me of Mt. Wilson in Los Angeles over LA when it is completely overcast.... it looks just like this pic, a sea of clouds. Beautiful pic.
That's called "consent". I'm not sure I get the point of this whole story other than a guy blaming himself for lacking the emotional strength to turn down advances made to him by a female friend. Calling that "rape" is an insult to every people who are actually getting raped.
I took an effort to explain that it's not the same as being physically raped. There were actually things she was doing during the sex that took a sort of "dominant" role, but I didn't want to get into that stuff or make it like an erotic story lol, and that's still beside the point, because I'm not saying it's the same as that kind of rape. I think I made it clear that I'm not blaming her.. just that I ended up having sex that I didn't really want to have.. I respect your opinion but seems insensitive to think that's plain and simple "consent" and that there's nothing to think about when you end up losing control like that.
That man wasn't "raped" by a girl, he was "raped" by society. Males are stylized as a gender that never denies sex and if they do, they are labeled as weird or gay etc. Plus we don't want to hurt the feelings of the girl, especially a friend. Girls often take great offense in being rejected - they feel like they aren't good enough or pretty enough or whatever. Most guys usually just go with it even if they don't feel like having sex. It's far easier than trying to explain why you didn't and being called a pussy/ douchebag/ dick....
You articulated this really well. I agree with you. You're right, some girls do take great offense when rejected. That happened to me just recently.
Can't really blame em though, I know I've been offended when I was rejected. Given that ladies often don't do it too sensitively lol. If 30 unattractive guys approached me every night I go out, I would be bitter too lol .
I think that's a really good point...
This is the author of the story btw. I can email @stellabelle to confirm if anyone think I'm a troll pretending :p
I think not wanting to offend her was on my mind even if I didn't really realize it. And... The way people think guys always want it kind of feeds into that, cause now it's MORE of an insult to turn them down.
Anyways, I might talk more about this. I was touched by some of the support, and interested in the comments, so I decided to make an account to be able to communicate directly. Thanks!
Great to meet you, thanks for picking my comment haha :)
Nice to meet you too! And I did drop @stellabelle an email, so just in case anyone doubted that I'm really the writer of the story she'd be able to come in and set everything straight :)
yes, it is one of the things about society that is quite bad. Another thing I've been thinking about it is how guys don't recognize how they are sexually desirable. All the attention is thrown on women. Men have a lot to offer but they don't know it. That's sad, actually. They end up making jokes about their sexuality, and they miss what women and/or men find attractive. It seems to be more of a heterosexual thing though. It is culture, American culture, I think.....I don't know maybe it's changing? Being attentive to others' needs and having confidence are really key in attracting others. You don't even need to be drop-dead gorgeous to have people attracted to you. You do need a decent amount of confidence though, as that is what enables people to take risks. Taking risks is a survival technique and if you are resliient, and can endure a fair amount of rejection, you will ultimately succeed. Most people, though, are rather delicate in this arena.
Wait wait wait wait, so you are telling me that women find men sexually desirable the same way that men do women? Normal men, not sexy models / strippers ? DAMN
of course, sure. I can only speak for myself though. Women lust after men all the time. I've fallen into the lust trap with guys who were not super hot, who were shorter than me, etc., based on some personality trait. The guy in question happened to be half Korean. He had some odd trait that I found desirable, then I got carried away and developed like an unhealthy sexual fetish for him. It was mostly based on his personality, ability to be creative and his interests....and something about his face...I may be not on a normal spectrum though because I consider myself to be a fantasy addict. I tend not to form relationships in reality. But most women have sexual desires for men, all kinds, really.
Ok, am I dreaming or did you just change my entire love life ?
But I will tell you this: just because you lust after someone, does not mean they will like you back. That's a hard lesson. Not everyone is going to like you. Finding those who like you is hard, but exposure and openness are the keys. If you're a closed off person, you're going to suffer. The more open you are to new experiences, the more confidence you have in being yourself, the more people you will attract. It's quite simple really.
Haha yeah, been there. Loving someone who doesn't want you is one of the hardest things in the world to deal with. Or lusting..
But hell, this day is historic for me lol, I always thought I had to make girls want me, not that they were interested before I started my game haha.
Be friendly and open with girls but don't impose yourself on them. Listen to their needs, forget about your own. Give them options, choices. Do an experiment and see who chooses you!
I've done this before. It works. Also, another thing that works is getting involved in something that you're passionately interested in. I noticed that once I had self-published my book and was doing what I loved, people seemed to come out of the woodwork, and were seeking me out. Energy attracts energy. Do something you love to do, and you'll notice that you'll start attracting girls who like what you're doing. It is SIMPLE.
Thank you, Milady. For opening my eyes, I wasn't hopeless or anything, just didn't think that ladies think about me in a sexual way. Always thought there was a sexual switch I had to find - sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't haha. Looks like you can't find the switch, because the lady's got it . The art of the game is a huge mystery and I think if everyone was more open about what they really want, everyone would be much happier. Girls don't need to pretend they're not interested when they actually are, guys can be dummies and not notice those slight signs ladies give us.
I think rape is not really the appropriate word here, but I do think this story raises some really important points. We don't generally hear these kinds of stories because of what the writer points out--that the guy would most likely be made fun of. Sad, but true. Why is it like that? Secret Writer....I'm glad you were able to share your story here and get it off your chest. I hope that you can indeed share it with your girlfriend and work through it emotionally with her.
Agreed. The R word is a legal accusation of assault. Seduction, Pressure, Even prostitution though unsavory and perhaps worthy of shunning and shaming, cannot be grounds for throwing someone in a cage against their will.
Thanks @corinnestokes!
I think I agree "rape" isn't really the right word, and sorry if that was confusing in my story, I guess I feel taken advantage of, but I know it wasn't rape in a legal sense or anything like that.
I've thought about that sometimes. Do you think it's possible that guys don't want to feel vulnerable? There is so much "bravado" and manly man stuff, like maybe guys don't want to even think about the possibility of getting taken advantage of by a girl? I dunno.
Kind of ironic cause I think if we talked about it more we'd actually be less vulnerable lol.
Well written, thank you.
I can't really relate to the story since I was never in a similar situation. Lucky me, I guess.
I agree with some of the comments that rape is too strong a word for this story.
Many would call this "coercive" and classify it as rape. If this happened to a woman it would be considered largely to be rape. I'm really sorry this happened to you, what she did was shitty.
I think a lot of women feel really powerless, so they feel in order to get what they want they have to be emotionally manipulative. These are the same women who hit and push their boyfriend's around because they feel like nothing they're doing makes any difference. They might as well be hitting a brick wall. There's that bullshit out there that "men always want sex" and therefore with that mindset they can't really reject you.
Thank for sharing this!
Thanks for your thoughts!!! I agree completely.. Whether "rape" is the right word, a lot of people would be more likely to regard it as that if it was a guy doing it to a girl.
I do have a lot of thoughts about this stuff, and I guess these comments are kind of helping me think stuff thru too. So thanks so much, and I might make a new post with kind of my general thoughts about all the feedback and stuff.
Yup I get when he said she felt some sort of accomplishment like she knew it could be done. And to some girls that's having power and it sounds that it wasn't about sex or lust or even love it was more of a dominance to show how strong her mind is to subdue someone that kind of mental issue is some what dangerous not having to say or make anyone do anything but by giving the energy of power is strong. Great secret and I believe a lot of people can relate not just guys.
Whether or not it's human nature, sometimes it's easier to revert to our basic instincts; seduction, consensual sex or rape it's very difficult to define. Being a parent to four beautiful children has its own complexities; but being a "decent" human being you should be able to establish which direction you want to proceed.
I'd be devastated if something like this happened to one of my children; would they tell me? I guess that depends on the level of shame they are experiencing;?
I've went along with sexual advances from a woman reluctantly, and refused them. Definitely feel more power in the situation when I refused them. But that's just how it is in any situation regardless of sex . If you capitulate, you will feel unempowered and grow distant, if you stand up for yourself and your wishes you will feel empowered. Maybe the role of women is different, but as a man, these things feel universal.
I agree with you. Saying no is crucial to building an identity. I used to be the person who caved in and said yes all the time. It'a learned behavior. I started saying no a few years ago, and now it's great. I can be myself finally. I think it's the same for men and women. The power of no.
how does it feel getting raped by a girl?
brilliant like all of your storys.
Very interesting and well written. Thanks @stellabelle, and the secret writer.
Sounds about your neck of the woods about oppression and power.
This is exactly why this secret writer campaign and steemit is needed. I can only imagine how difficult it is to share this type of experience. The relief that comes simply from being heard should not be underestimated. Secret writer we have heard you and feel for you.
Thanks, I hope people learn a lot from it. That's the main reason I am passionate about it. I love learning the true experiences people have instead of the fake ones they make up, covering their real emotions. Also, a relief valve, that's crucial because of social media penetration.
Thank you!!! That is really nice and means a lot. One of the things that's cool about this is seeing the way people are supportive of even total strangers. Feels really good and shows such a good side of us.
Thanks for sharing. I have a similar experience, which maybe I'll write up sometime on here. I agree there is somewhat of a different reality for men and women as regards sex. We're assumed to be "always interested" and it's not considered wrong for women to "go right for it" so to speak... then again, many would probably disagree and say it is. Perhaps, the notion of social constructs are pitfalls in the sense that each individual has a different understanding of what a social construct is regarding a particular topic. Thanks again for sharing and don't feel too bad about it, as you're definitely not alone.
Thanks!! You should share it imo. I felt really good after, cause it's something I've just had on my mind and never really put into words before. Feels good to just get it into the open.
I think people would probably SAY it's wrong for women to "go right for it" but really they might have a different standard for men and women. I don't know if I even mind the double standard really, I just wish people would be less like "that's gay" or whatever for feeling manipulated, and I'm really happy to be able to talk about it on here.
I'd classify what happened here was a seduction.
...with a rape ahahahahaha
Just joking :P
Look forward to the next stories ! You're done!
I don't know if my thoughts on this are reflective of the majority, but I did not feel any real hurt, any real emotional or any sense of lasting pain. Is that because I am a guy? Maybe. I think he wasn't in control, and he didn't like it. Felt less of a man. Or maybe I am projecting. I know this,,,,,,he is right. It is completely different than the classic rape of physically forcing someone. Maybe it made him think. Maybe it made him a better person to be put in that situation. Anyway, good change of pace. Makes you think. Nice work.
Crazy experiences we can discover in life sometimes!
geez, well now I understand why I actually don't get approached so often.
i've had situations like this though, and i would have just used her like a hand towel until she got the clue and accused me of treating her like a sex object.
on the other hand I have had situations like this were the girl wasn't so attractive, and i just turned them off by talking to her like she was a straight up hoe. sometimes they get turned off, and sometimes, well... that's when things get interesting. :)
i guess everyone is different but i would have a hard time getting a woody if some part of me didn't want to slam it. now have i fucked some fat troll while totally drunk and regretted having to see her face and talk to her when i woke up hung over... sure I have.
did i accuse her of seducing and raping me? no.
having said that do i know gay friends who have somehow fucked their fag hag.... well it wouldn't be the first time.