When I read your Secret Writer post, I Wish I'd Never Been Born I was struck immediately by how similarly I feel.
As I continued reading, it just became more spot on. It made me start thinking about my own experience with living for the sake of my loved ones and it made me think about how long I have lived my life feeling this way.
Just last night I fell asleep thinking "I wish I had died when I was in that incubator. I wish I had never been born." A thought that often runs through my mind. At least once a day, usually more, I think about how much I would like to be dead.
Another part of your story that hit close to home for me was how you said you have panic attacks when thinking about your parents dying. My mother is now mostly out of my life due to how abusive and toxic she has been but even now I get very anxious thinking about her death. When she was an integral part of my life I would have full-on hyperventilating panic attacks at the thought. When I found out she had hepatitis C I cried for 12 hours straight. Everything has always hurt me too much.
This brings me to the music.
I thought I was entirely alone in the fact hat I had to stop listening to music almost entirely. Most of the music I was into before was based on raw, emotional, lyrics. I thought it was helping me for years but eventually realized it just made me feel more depressed and now almost all my favorite songs send me into a morbid depression and amplify my desire to kill myself. There is nothing helpful about listening to "Between the bars" by Elliott Smith and thinking about how he stabbed himself in the chest. So, for the most part, I avoid music altogether now.
I was also addicted to speed, for years.
It was the strongest addiction I have ever had because it dulled the sadness and eased the anxiety and made me feel somewhat capable of getting through my day. I ended up kicking the habit but feel that I am now even more depressed because I know how it felt to be a bit better and had to go back to square one. I fear getting successful and financially stable because I would likely get addicted to speed or some other hard drug if I had access to it.
For me, I have nobody to "let down" since I have no family.
So, people have known about my depression but nobody knows the extent and most people think I have gotten entirely better for the most part. People are always telling me how strong I am and how much they look up to me. It is a weird thing to hear when I know that I am constantly thinking about my death inside my own head. I am pre-occupied with my own death and the thought of death in general.
My desire to die was strengthened when I lost my sister recently. I tried to kill myself twice since her death, which was ruled an accident but was really a suicide or at "best" a complete reckless disregard for her own life and a constant desire to be dead. She was very much like me, and you, in her desire to kill herself and when she actually did die I was upset that it wasn't me who had "succeeded" at finally escaping such a tedious life.
I have almost successfully died twice in my life. As in, I was rescued in the nick of time. One time I OD'd and started having a seizure and turned blue from a lack of oxygen and the second time I almost drowned in a tub while black out drunk. Both times were followed by a month or more of extreme disappointment and sadness that I have been "saved".
I feel like if only people knew how much pain every day life causes me they would understand why it is not selfish to want to be dead and actually it is they who are selfish for not allowing me the peace.
I just wanted to write this reply because of how much I related to your story. I am not sure of what advice to give but I am personally about to start therapy and possibly try out different medications. I am hopeful that the right combination of meds might make me feel some desire to live because right now the only thing keeping me doing is a fear of failing and being hideously disfigured or handicapped and the guilt of hurting my loved ones. More so, the former because at my worst I can pretty much push my loved ones entirely out of my mind in my pursuit for non-existence.
I must admit I am pretty terrified of how many mental illnesses I will be diagnosed with when I finally see a therapist.
I hope you find some sort of relief and thank you for writing such a powerful story and helping me to feel less alone.
-Secret Writer
I think make someone cry not in steemit description .
Who cut onions :'/
It's hard when substances that dull our pain start to be associated with "feeling better". I wish there were more positive words I could give this person, but my truth is that the world, and by extension the universe, is beautiful because it exists with no regard for us. We're just another wonderful output of the universe, not its leader or companion.
The only succor for this condition of existence is that nothing is predictable and everything is subject to change. That includes us, our goals, and the actions we take every day. Maybe where this author is needs to change.
Great work @stellabelle, you're killing my work productivity as usual ;)
"We're just another wonderful output of the universe, not its leader or companion." Damn, this was good. Are you a philosopher? I had never thought of it that way, but I had suspected it. I agree with you of course. Humans are attached to timelines because of our birth/death linear life, but the universe doesn't work like that. Best to be like water, in constant flux, thereby becoming more align with natural processes and less attached to outcomes.
thank you for that very nice compliment. I read, write and think. A lot. I've also experienced a lot of extreme adversity and have tried to embrace the lessons and wisdom that can be derived from such trials.
If we could only realize that we're mostly water already, we'd see that we actively have that alignment in us. But I think people expect positive outcomes with this line of thought instead of reaching for the peace it can provide us in our own personal storms of existence.
Jesus, you need to write a book. Seriously. Have you already?
Hmm.... I have to admit, I'm a little intrigued, as I have a sweet spot for talk like that.
And now I am naturally curious about the trials of which you speak. Are you at work right now?
NYC?
Yep, I'm in the NBC tower as we speak.
I haven't written a book yet, but I have written a rock album that examines the encroaching surveillance state (Mount Weather), the inexactitude of happiness through fame or popularity (Monument), and letting go of belief in the face of love (Crooked Smile). The album was named "In-falling Matter" and the name was Magnoliablack.
In my 35 short years, the time I spent writing and performing in a band is easily the highlight of my existence... free therapy on stage for me, great conversations after the shows + whiskey = Existential contentment haha
@prufarchy and @stellabelle , Bruce Lee's last sentence in his short manifesto called "Be Like Water" he said " I must first accept myself by going with and not against my nature.” I believe he meant that we are naturally like water already by our natural inclinations but I believe we have a hard time tapping into our true natures because of socialization.
Hi prufarchy, weird thing, there's no reply button on your response back to me below so I'm responding back again here. :) Yes, that is what Bruce taught was unique about his fighting style. Look for the "paths of least resistance" for the "easier way." In the last 5 years I have walked through whatever open doors appeared before me and have gone around walls instead of trying to break them down. I do feel that the "path of least resistance" and the "easier way" is the way to lead my life for now on. Trying hard to make things happen I have found just doesn't seem to work.
I guess if I reply to my original post here it falls below the last post when it publishes. I'm still learning how the little things work here on Steemit. :)
Bruce Lee was a very moving person, I believe he was in touch with his water. I can't remember exactly where I heard this, but I remember someone positing that the water outside of us, in rain, snow, rivers and lakes holds memory and energy. And that same water, within us, responds likewise to our memory and energy. Or maybe that's what I took away from it, I can't recall.
Either way, I agree that we are naturally like water already by our natural inclinations. In our youth, we flow down the paths of least resistance: loving our parents, loving to play, especially with friends, who we also tend to love. But as we develop into this society, we start to go against our natural inclination, or flow.
maybe your true work is providing us with highly intelligent responses that change our worldview?
Seems like the only work I've ever had a passion for has been listening to others and discussing existence. So naturally, I work in digital advertising operations :/ ... Stupid student debt
Oh, you sound like me. I love thinking and talking about existence, too. It appears you are in need of something as your use of the word, "Stupid student debt" indicates to me that you feel you must do work that is beneath you in order to pay off your debts.
What does Black Swan mean to you personally? Can you identify with a Black Swan or does the concept feel out of your reach? I am curious about your answer.
If I had to, I'd scrub toilets to make sure the student loan people didn't come after my family like they've tried already when I was homeless and unable to pay, post-navy. I don't feel there is any work above or below me and I'm fortunate to be tech savvy enough to have completed a career and industry change.
But working with advertising isn't fulfilling, no.
Having never seen the movie, I'm only familiar with the concept. To me, Black Swan is an introspective moment that comes after an unexpected big change, a rationalizing of what's happened. It approaches the maxim of "everything happens for a reason," and I can easily identify with that when I think about how, if the events in my life hadn't happened this way, I wouldn't be the exact person I am today. That being said, I don't believe anything happens for a reason. It's the only way I can continue to see the universe as beautiful, instead of calculating and malicious.
I know what you feel, having the same feeling every time I wake up. I feel like life is just utterly pointless and there is nothing you can do to make it better. But it sure does help to focus on the little things, start doing something that gives you a feeling of accomplishment - I like cooking, I always cook for an hour or so and then I see my meal and it fills me with joy. - I made that :)
Anyway... I upvoted of course, seeing that we are very alike.
Can you please read and maybe share my little article ? That would be great :)
https://steemit.com/steemit/@lorddominik007/trading-done-wrong-see-my-mistakes-so-you-don-t-have-to-see-yours
little things do help. But sometimes when we are in such a tragic state of mind, nothing helps. Sometimes drugs need to be added just to get through the day. I used to be an addict, really bad, and look, I made it out. The darkness is going away now. It's possible. And I also get to do what I love, these things: write, create and connect with people. Steemit is like a playground for people who I think know they can have a better, more fulfilling life.
I used to gamble away my life savings, just to get a little rush out of life. Never been too much into drugs thankfully, but gambling was a big addiction I had.
I agree, seeing people care about your Steemit posts really does have a wonderful effect on your mind.
Its hard for some people to understand why they would like to end their lives. Especially when there are people in physical pain, some with cancer, some with other serious diseases eating their lives away, and all they want to do is live one more day, one more hour while enduring that pain. When is it ok for someone to decide to end their lives? Only oneself knows....
Mental illnesses, neurocies etc; can anyone define "normal"? Who is to say that they are normal?! Another conundrum.
yeah, I stopped listening to music for years too. I think it's common. For me, I didn't want to be reminded of how I was before the tragic event......being confronted with that change was too depressing.
Lovely read as always @stellabelle
I'm sorry that you feel this way and i wish i understood even 5% of how you are feeling so i could help others in need.
Just keep strong, try find something you love doing and keep swimming <3
Good morning!
Just waking up here and this is a powerful read.
I can’t believe this person tried to kill themselves twice. I'm so glad this person is about to start therapy. Depression is a hard thing and I can related to it since I had a loved one with depression.
Have a great day!
Thanks for the post @stellabelle
Dog can help you , let people feel much better. Do you like it?
You are not alone @stellabelle!
Just to clarify, I did not write this. The Secret Writer did.
Sadly this is a common thread in today's society- seeking help is the first step to overcoming your 'thoughts' talking helps - you are not alone if you search
good0luck!
Everything's all right.Que Sera,Sera
When depressed best to do is drink Rakija. Croatian hard drink, next day you would want to kill yoursef for completely different reason.
Hangover.
ha ha! A way to turn dark around into light.
That is how we roll :)
Time heals wounds
Your time will come. I know you will be successful and happy soon. Stay strong my friend
Bah i missed
Post
It f*cking exploded before 30 min mark... ME NOT HAPPY LOL
ha ha! several people have been using this photo, where are you finding it, just curious.
not several its always me ;) and i found it in one of your old posts, and saved it for myself :D
A lot of people go through tough times in life. Some people go through tough things earlier in life others don’t.
We must huggle our way around these things. I don’t feel that I am personally addicted to smoking marijuana because I don’t smoke every day.
But I do understand that we need certain meds to relax our minds and body. In my case I found Cannabis and I consume it in several different ways.
I hope this person gets better!
#takeiteasy
Great piece. Just keep strong and keep writting.
A point in the story that resonates with me the most is the music aspect and how it can change my mood from the vibrations of the sounds. Not one to share much but reading these stories makes it easier, I had a couple near death experiences maybe one-day I may share them! Great story yet again!!!
Glad it's helping. That is the end goal, to release us all from not accepting ourselves in our most basic, raw form.
Steemit is a great platform for you and your secret writer. Powerful writing.
Keep your head up Stella. Stay strong.
I recognise a lot of this and the original post from my life (although i wasn't brave enough to write a response). I stopped listening to music for a long time after my husband passed away (lets just say grief and depression are not a good cocktail ) the only reason i never gave into the thoughts of ending it was to spare my kids further pain. I now have a play list of upbeat songs happy songs that i play every morning sure it hasn't cured my depression but it does help boost my mood enough to go out for a walk and do some of the things i need in order to maintain my mood. I hope your therapy sessions help.
https://steemit.com/charity/@tjpezlo/blogging-for-a-cause-baby-david-survives-initial-surgery
Hey @stellabelle
Just wanted to let you know, I made reference to you in my latest article here referring to you as a "popular Steemit content curator", though I appreciate you have many more strings to your bow! Anyway, please keep up the amazing work. Greets!
👍great post
I don't understand how people can think this way. How you can be so self-centered... Saying things like "if people just understood my pain" is so ridiculous because there are a shitload of people who actually do, who even endure way more pain, also on a daily basis... I understand there are a lot of things that can go wrong in somebody's life, that can make you feel sad, unwanted or even totally insignificant but I can't understand people who want to kill themselves because of their self-pity... Those people should take a closer look at others, imagine how they go through life. They should reflect the problems they struggle with on other people and imagine how they would deal with them and vice versa. For me I have made up my mind already, never will I give up this tiny amount of time I have on this earth, it wouldn't matter how hurt I would be, how depressed I would be, how broken down,... because there is always someone who's had it worse and if they can handle it, I should as well. Enjoy life while you can, find what you like, what intrigues you, what makes you strife for more. And if you really don't have something like that, then use your life for someone else, make someone else happy, help people who are in need, help children who have nothing except the will to live. I would gladly give my life for something like that, instead of throwing this gift away just because my silly mind wants to poison my heart. Life is tough, it surely is, and it can hurt you so much at the most unexpected times, but never give up, keep on living for those who have gone already, those yet to come and those still here with you. Nobody should have suicide thoughts or thoughts about how they want to be dead... You will be, it's just a matter of time, don't try to drastically speed it up. Your time will come. But until then, make something of it, something good, so that when you're at the end, you can look back and laugh at that weak version of yourself who now has been strengthened with wisdom, knowledge and an appetite for life. I don't want to hurt or offend anyone with this, it's just a little bit of my thoughts about the subject. I imagine that I could talk longer about this, have deeper discussions about this , but I don't want to burden anyone here any further. Also sorry if my english is hard to read or pretty wrong in terms of grammar or structure, just trying my best. :D
Cheers.
@stellabelle It is not selfish to want to be dead but the act itself can be very selfish. What most people don't understand about depression is that (at least in my case) it is more of feeling of being better off dead and not being a drain on others. It is from your perspective not selfish because you feel that every body would be better off without you.
The problem is that depression distorts your thinking so you can only see it that way even though your death would actually cause pain and suffering to those you know.
I hope the therapy helps you. I have tried it and did make a difference. The other thing that really helps is exercise. Now I go to the gym every day. I'm not cured but it definitely helps.
I am not cured. I still have bad days but it is getting better. I still get thoughts of death but I wouldn't act on them.
To be honest this is the first time I have even mentioned my depression publicly I still find it very painful so apologies for not going into more detail.
One day I might post about it if I am brave enough. Hope things improve for you. You may not have family but your contribution here would be missed. I appreciated your artistic donations for one of my early posts too.
Anyway if you want to discuss this in private let me know I am happy to do so. Sometimes it helps to know you are not the only one (even though it sometimes feels that way).
Dear Secret Writer responding to Another Secret writer, I 'm sorry for the loss of your sister and how your mom is no longer in your life, however I suspect you're not so sad about your mom since she abused you. This abuse if it happened since you were a toddler or younger is probably the root of your depression. I hope your therapist will be able to help you. May I also recommend a self help book called "How Big is Your BUT." It's written by a hypnotherapist and it has helped me a bunch. Perhaps it can also help you.
A galactic ruler named Frieza destroyed my home planet and took my father out with it. I am still pulling through and I know you can as well!
"I must admit I am pretty terrified of how many mental illnesses I will be diagnosed with when I finally see a therapist." This is the key right here. If someone has a broken arm, she heads to the hospital. If someone has a toothache he seeks out a dentist. If someone has a damaged psyche, he/she... tries to tough it out and solve the problem themselves. I really hope you get the help you need. Reach out to the pros. I think you'll find that you aren't the only one who feels this way. Therapists have the experience and expertise to help you. Please don't give up. You can be happy.
the popularity of a post is always mysterious. I do not have the answer, and most likely never will.
https://steemit.com/charity/@tjpezlo/blogging-for-a-cause-baby-david-survives-initial-surgery
Bullshit - the Steemit Elitist's look out for each other. The initiated among us are onto your con.
I suppose there are many ways to look at this. One way would be to notice that the original secret writer had such a profound effect on another soul, that that soul found it worth expressing the gratitude.
Steemit Elitist's at it again.