I have been so extraordinarily lucky to have never lost a person so close to me that it shattered my heart. However, because of this, grief has knocked me sideways. This morning I woke up and could barely function, moving through the checklist of remedies. No coffee, sun on my face, dancing to reggae.
Yesterday the van broke down in town and Jamie had to get a tow truck back, so I couldn't run to the ocean as I normally would. I'd been awake all night listening to Dad's songs in my head and mind writing the eulogy I volunteered to deliver.
Mum, my sister and I met with the celebrant and the funeral directors and had to choose four songs and 30 photos for the service. That was a lot harder than you think. Dad had such an eclectic, every changing taste in music. I felt I'd been closest to him on that regard and knew a few songs I wanted but didn't want to bulldoze anyone. In the end three of the songs I suggested were chosen so I was chuffed, including this gorgeous version of Visions of Johanna by Chris Smither. We also chose a Rumi POem but I'll talk about that another time.
It's been so hard but me, Mum andy sister have managed to organize a funeral he'd be proud of.
Anyway, back to me 😜!
Recognizing my distress, Jamie threw the boards in the Defender and drove me to the ocean. Out there I still felt the pain but it was easier somehow. I've been riding his board and it honestly felt like he was paddling with me, riding down the line with me. How blessed I am to have been given this skill by him to support me at times like this.
And so as the waves rolled in, the waves of grief eased a little.
The hardest thing is how many times in the last few days I've wanted to talk to Dad and realized yet again that's impossible. Lying on the front deck in the sunshine thinking about him hurt like hell, and it was him I wanted to go hang out with to feel better. I had to confront those feelings of Dad never seeing the back deck Jamie made or the progress made in the garden or the fact I cross stepped to the front of the longboard today.
Yet life keeps moving, the birds keep singing, and he was in my life for a very long time, and I can't feel sad about that.
And these oncoming waves are just proof of love, are they not?
With Love,
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One of the very toughest things to do is to try and sum up the life of one so close to you. How can you condense a lifetime of love, protection and life lessons in a simple few minutes? It is so very painful to lose a loved one, but the act of testifying to his greatness in a eulogy gives you a chance to attest to everyone present just how much he has impacted your own life. It will give him the sendoff he deserves to be eulogized by one who loved and adored him.
His strength flows in you and every time you surf, he surfs. Take him often, it will help to heal your broken heart <3
Your words are magic. Thanks so much.
They are.
I truly believe the only way this would hurt less is if there hadn't been such great love. <3 Stay strong. One wave at a time, my dear heart.
Good advice. Years of yoga have at least given me the skill of riding things out hey...
These waves sure are proof of your love for him. You are doing great Rivers. You are doing great.
Thanks x
The Almighty always gives some hope that helps us to bear the loss and move forward.
Dad had a lot of hope. I'm always inspired by the way he dealt with life.
@crrdlx
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Be strong friend. Although we feel weak, we must be strong.
!LUV
It's always both. You have to feel it and be vulnerable just as much as you need resilience and fortitude.
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As far as you never stop paddling the love will always be there, the wave ls of love and lt's a great love, continue to have a good time 🥰🙏
Our sincere condolences @riverflows
We admire your fortitude and strength, being support, understanding and relief, giving off your sublime and pure love, to help your family, in the difficult and stormy process of living day by day, the progressive deterioration of your loved one, response that expressed that minute by minute he was leaving this existence. You ennobled with the most resilient emotions, being an example of patience and tolerance, to overcome such adverse moments, being there for your father and your family.
With much affection, we join in consideration of your feelings of loss, we pray for the comfort of your heart, in these difficult moments for you and yours !LUV
marilour
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💓💓💓
It's hard to imagine what it's like to lose someone so close, but I love how you're finding ways to cope with it. The ocean and surfing seem like such a beautiful way to feel connected.
I think it's really powerful how you honor your dad through the little moments like the music and the memories. it's helping me understand grief in a deeper way.
Thanks. I'm lying in bed now listening to his music which helps. Mornings are hard. It's a more violent grief than I imagined.
I am sorry for your loss and am sending out thoughtful vibes to help him on his journey. Hang in there
💗💗💗
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I have found the lost ones are with me more after they pass, I just need to let them be there. Memory is time travel. Be with him. He will now never leave your side, and was on that board with you when you cross step xoped.
Lovely shots of him. I can feel his life force.
May you dream of him often.
Oh @owasco ... His physical present is still very much here. When I was surfing the other day I was thinking of his big hairy arms paddling next to me 🤣 It's a very painful week. Music helps - his music. Mornings are ROUGH.
Would you mind curating a bit over the next week in Hive Garden? I'm struggling to do it. There's some new comment templates to use if you like.
Yes of course. I'm sorry I've been so absent.
Thanks so much, I really appreciate it and wouldn't ask unless I was super struggling as I know you've been busy too. Xx really thankyou xx
I'm sorry I didn't think to offer to do it myself! I'll keep it simple though. Just gave a run through.
The waves of grief will continue for some time. I found some times it was more like being hit by a truck. And many times it come out of nowhere and broadsides you.
" I had to confront those feelings of Dad never seeing the back deck Jamie made ". This goes on day in and day out here. He never saw the addition when he came home because of the broken neck. Every day I see something he made or built as he built everything here.
I no longer spend hours crying, that stopped during the second year. Hard to believe it will be 4 years in 3 months...
I wish I could give you hugs and more comfort.
Gosh, 4 years now? There was so much building and finishing after he was gone. It must have been so hard not to share your day with him.
The oddest thing is life going on, right? Like your heart stopped a little when they went, but everything else keeps moving. The sun comes out. We go about our indusy. But they arent there.
I can only imagine how hard it's going to be for Mum. It's good to hear stories like this so I can support her too. She had even more history him, of course.
Accepting you hugs over the miles!
I suggest to actually talk to him when you feel like it. He might actually hear you. I talk to little birds, as if they were my dad. 🐦
Aw that's lovely. I'm not sure how I'll manage, but I'll feel closer to him in the water.
The waves are indeed proof of a special kind of love.
“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” ― Jamie Anderson
xx
I do love that quote. At one point I was angry I loved him so fucking much. But that was the grief talking.
Loving hard is the best part of human life. You were so blessed to have that. It's incredibly difficult now but you have the best memories to carry with you throughout the rest of your life. But, I get it. Grief. From experience, you can't escape it. We carry it alongside our memories. It just becomes easier to navigate over time 🙏💗
Thanks Sam. Knowing you have also suffered the loss of your Mum, I appreciate the advice. Time seems to be the one. The first weeks hurt like fuck fuck. It's easing now. I couldn't get the songs from the service out of my head and I couldn't stop thinking about him. It was awful. Now it's eAsier, I'm just depressed.
All very normal. All very human. Only people who have never lost someone close think there is a time limit on grief. There isn't. I realised that it's not something you ever get over, but you do somehow at some point get through it. There comes a moment when the memories once again bring joy to the heart and supplant the heartache and pain that had taken up residence. But don't let anyone else try to shape the narrative or press you to heal any sooner than you are ready to... I'm so sorry you are going through this, my lovely 😔
ps: I forgot to mention but I'm so glad you had your son by your side. What a gem of a man you raised.