My husband is lonely.
I find this sentence the hardest sentence to write, because it forces me to engage, again, with something that makes my husband sadder than he needs to be. In some ways, I worry that it is my fault. Perhaps it is.
I don't get lonely. Like my mother, I fulfil my human need for connection with random conversations with people. I can talk the ear off the cashier in the supermarket or someone I've just met at the beach. Failing that, I can talk with my parents for hours about all kinds of things and then, et voila, my need for connection is totally met.
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Most of the time I'm trying to escape people - I feel less safe around them emotionally, likely beccause I was bullied as a teenager, and my amygdala starts to warn me that people are threats more than anything. I love being alone, and of course, if I want a connection, I just jump online. Social media like Hive and Threads helps me express myself and feel understood.
But this post isn't about me.
It's about my husband, and how much he longs to have friends. It sounds so lame, but I'm not being critical - I understand it's a driving force of his being. Having moved to Australia he has lost all the connections with friends in England, although those friendships would have passed away due to time and distance anyway, and men aren't so good at connecting. And he hasn't found close friends here. He has work colleagues and a couple of Landrover mates but not real, genuine connections.
Why?
This is a theme that Ladies of Hive asks us to focus on this week. Why are there so many people who are lonely? Why is it so hard for people to make real connections when almost everyone wants to make real connections?
We must remember that we are actually hardwired for connection - face to face interaction with others actually affects the vagus nerve, which regulates our breathing, which affects our gut too. It helps us be calmer (or it should) and thus affects our stress levels. No wonder lack of connection makes us ill. It makes sense - if we didn't feel good around people, we wouldn't be able to band together to increase chances of survival. Without the tribe, we are left alone in the wilderness to die. The TV series Alone shows just how traumatic it can be to be alone in the wilderness. It's easy enough to hunt bears and snow rabbits, but being alone can break people.
These days, we are focussed far more on individualism. People move around a lot more too, disconnecting from the villages they grew up in and finding themselves alone in foreign countries or different cities. Social media creates further divisions so we walk out into the world wary and guarded. People get so busy trying to survive that they lose touch with the people who will catch them when they fall.
Take the local book club for example. They meet every Tuesday at the top pub. I was going to go, but remember I'm one of those unusual people that feel edgy if I'm around others too much, so I'm pretty cautious about social situations and if I'm feeling frayed, company is the last thing I want. Anyway, they've had only a handful of attendees, so they asked why in the Facebook group. What was stopping people from hanging out with this local book tribe?
'I'm flat out running the kids around'
'I've been working too much that I've barely had time to breathe'
'I haven't had time to read'
No one has time to be with the tribe anymore, from family to friends to local interest groups. This is the same for Jamie - any opportunities that might come up to hang with a tribe he's interested in are often missed because he's working, or too tired. How can one even seek out a tribe if one is always over worked and over tired? Treadmill life is real. The bills must be paid. Food must be put on the table. We can only dream about the days of old when the tribe would sit down to eat together, looking after the littlest to the oldest.
Social media makes us wary. We're manipulated by mainstream media too, telling us to be wary of the migrants, the thieves, the scammers, the leftists, the right wing. No one thinks to think we have more in common than we have as a difference. You can believe in climate change and someone else can believe it's a hoax yet you might still enjoy cycling, your children, growing mushrooms, healthy eating, and so on. Yet we are led to believe that certain beliefs are the singlemost defining thing about a particular person, and thus they must be avoided, or even hated, at all costs.
That still doesn't solve the problem of my darling. I'm hoping he will find his tribe, because I know how much it's important to him. I only need him, my family, and the cashiers at the supermarkets.
With Love,
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Hopefully your husband can find new real friends there. I know it's not that easy to find real friends but I really hope he can find some.
Introvert people like me can go inside supermarket and go out without saying anything except thank you when a cashier will give my change.
In your case you can talk to them so easily. But I am practicing it too, I'm trying to connect.
I'm an introvert too, believe it or not. I guess just a different type. Strangers are easy to talk to. You know what helps? Compliment someone on what they are wearing, or their hair, even if it's not your thing. It works a treat. There's always something to like about people if you look. Humour helps. Even 'hows your day going'. 💚💚
Oh that's a good way to start conversation. I should try it if I would met someone I didn't knew.
I'm an introvert, but even though I'm a nerd, I've never been short of friends. I think I give my friends licence to be silly. I hate parties with a passion. Thankfully, there's no more weddings to attend. All my friends are either married, or don't want to be. Covid lockdowns were a breeze for me.
I was quite shy in my younger days but I can chat shit with most strangers these days. After I've socialised, I need alone time until I've recharged my batteries. I hope your hubby finds his people.
Oh yes I desperately need alone time after socialising! I totally get that. I think it's the mark of an introvert, no?
Definitely! I prefer dogs to some people anyway. 😁
Beautiful read… I so understand.
Hope he will find his tribe to connect.
I am an introvert, far prefer my own company. My husband was an extrovert, he was out visiting and talking with people all the time, coming home with new stories. That's something I really miss, knowing what's going on with people who live near me, without having to go out and engage.
When he was dx'd in 1998, his group of people shrank really fast. When I met him, it seemed like he knew almost everyone in the town we lived in. But by 1999, there were about 5 people he could count on, and most of them were sick or disabled like he was.
He eventually created a group from his fishing buddies, in addition to the friends who had stood with him. His memorial was a testament to how he had built a friends base.
But by being disabled, he was not longer "working" so he had the time to put in on making friends.
I also think social media has a lot to answer for in the area of making true friends. I really think people are forgetting, or not learning, how to make real friends, to be able to interact in person. I think most young people spend far too much time on social media when they should be out in the world without a screen, creating community.
I wonder if intro and extra connect for a reason. Us introverts might just be hermits if they didn't drag us out into the world. I think the older you get, or if you get sick, friends just fall away. It's amazing how he built up a good group of friends though even if he was struggling physically.
Yeah, I'm not sure. Kids go out no matter what, in desperation to connect. I think social media is jsut bad as it makes people feel bad about themselves and divide them from others.
You have told so many truths, people are looking for individualism and at the same time most of them are just looking for a way to survive and pay the bills, there is little time left for the real connection, but even so, strangers always generate mistrust in us because evil exists so well 😕
!LADY
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Speaking from my own experience, I can relate to, as someone who changed environment. Everything that was familiar to me, including friends, restaurants, cashiers, stores, paths and came to something fully unfamiliar knowing just one person. No matter how hard you try to fit in - you just pop out, the more we are older it's more harder to get involved in something that has already been built ( meaning on people around you who know each other since childhood).
Luckily I'm not social butterfly, even tho that kind of depression hits me here and there, longing will always be part of me. Support from that ONE familiar and close person can help a lot in those moments.
Oh honey I feel ya. I lived in the UK for five years and used to get soooo homesick. I didn't really miss friends though as most fell by the wayside as they thought i was irresponsible moving to the other side of the world with a 4 year old - judgey much?
There's people who've never left this town and they have big friendship groups and are happy. Yet us with wanderlust, we're kinda alone. It sounds like you are quite like my husband. I feel so much for him but at the same time I can't seem to do anything to help, apart from be his best mate, which is hard when I dont want to talk about cars bahahaha....
Woah, really?
Can't find a single one good reason why should anyone be judged while making decision about it's own life.
Friends are meant to be supporters, but seems they weren't some after all, nothing to be sorry for.
I lived for a long time alone, that helped me to learn how to keep myself a good company, nowdays it's very useful as I can not pull my dear darlings sleeve whole day around (sometimes I do heh).
It's more that inner feeling, hard to explain, it comes in waves and leaves fast. Learning to give everything time, right people will find me again.
Make your hubby to join some car club online or in person, you'll have more time to spend in your room. :p
Nice post river, thought provoking. Moving to our farm after a lifetime of middle class suburban living was a challenge for me. I missed being around the corner from my kids and grands. I love my hubby and he is great company but I miss my gal pals, having coffee together once the kids got on the school bus
I have adapted slowly and have developed friendships with the locals. Just like you I can go to the general store and chat for an hour with Julie, the owner.
Being alone doesn’t translate into being lonely. I hope Jamie finds a connection, feeling lonely sucks
Oh yeah you get it. I definitely try to tell Jamie that being alone isn't loneliness but I think he just needs people around him to recharge just like I need solitude. It must have been hard to move, but yeah, you guys are like us, great company for each other and very much in love. It helps, no? God forbid we lose each other.
In general I think men tend to be lonely. Women tend to have a much more supportive network, but men don't. Even when they don't, they usually are better at talking to anyone, as you say of yourself, but men usually can't do that as well.
Unfortunately true. I can imagine how tough it was for your husband to move across the globe. I experienced the same thing. Connections with old friends prove much more fragile than we think and even with the internet connecting us, they fade quickly.
I think also we are fooled into thinking it's not necessary. My grandparents were just as overworked as we are, but they still managed to make social visits often to friends. Most others of their generation went a step further and attended a weekly (or more) meeting at the Lion's club or one of those social groups. There was more social pressure for them to do so, but it was also recognizing that if they didn't do it, they would get no social contact. We fool ourselves by thinking we'll just hop in a chat room and get the same effect.
I don't know. It's a tough problem. Even 20 years here I still have very few friends. Luckily I'm a bit introverted anyway so being alone is usually fine for me, and I have my family when it's not. But yeah, I know the feeling your husband has well.
Good thoughts in this post.
I'm really glad you responded. It helps me understand Jamie a bit more as sometimes I can get a bit impatient as I DON"T need friends. But this makes me remember when I lived in the UK for 5 years and I often felt isolated and homesick - a sense of longing for something that I couldn't find. Coming home, I'm lucky - for example, today I went surfing with Dad and saw a few crew out in the water I knew, had a chat, fed my need for connection. Jamie'll be at work, bored to tears with the other teachers he's been working with for 20 years.
Thing is I try to make him go to do group things eg, join the run club, join the men's shed, start a repair shop, etc, but he doesn't want to or thinks he won't meet people. That kind of fatalism makes me throw my hands in the air. But as you say, our grandparents did exactly that kind of thing out of necessity. It IS a tough problem, I get it. I feel really bad sometimes that it was me that brought him to Australia and I'm the reason he stays. I know if I died he'd be on the next plane outa here. I wonder if he'd immediately find friends there either - it does seem to be a global problem. I dont know.
Making friends is not something men do well. Maybe its the vunerability of opening up thats hard but so necessary for real friendships. I don't know. If you think of the prior generations, friendships were formed at work, at church, at civic organizations, at kids schools. None of these places are as safe or as prominent in men's lives as they once were. One good friend can be so important - your husband is lucky to have you.
Of course - I'm witty, intelligent, funny, beautiful, kind and I'm a good cook. what's not to love? Hahah. No, he always does say that without me he's nothing, which is a hard cross to bear.
He's with you tho and I think that's the best thing. I wish he realizes this too but we are all different... And also, I'm more like you! :)
About me, lol, I was going to take a boxing or zumba class then I remember my anxiety lol. The other day I literally ran from the condo swimming pool just because I was surrounded by men, lifeguard calling me me even. Triggers everywhere... I panicked.
TBH I really just want to be able to enjoy things alone w/o catching unwanted attention (because you know, I was alone). People can see when I don't have a prince charming to take to the pool. It sucks. It sucks I have to get someone to be my pretend bf because I want to swim and I don't have the courage to face another anxiety attack. I will soon take therapy before I partake in any activities.
Anyway, it is really good you have someone with you. And you have your family. And supermarket cashiers lol. That's a lot of human connections already!
Oh darling I feel for you so much. I know that feeling, and though I haven't experienced what you have, I feel like that when I go to school, which for me is the only way I can earn good money. My body goes into panic mode with PTSD and it's all I can do to get to the end of the day. I get two days done and I have to take rest of week off. The body's trauma makes life so hard. I know what it means to be edgy in company xxx but at the same time long for a normal life with normal connections.
I feel like after that exposure or spending time some around people, I feel so depleted. I need friends who won't consume mental and physical energy.
Anyway thanks for this post. I know I am not alone. I'm working on improving and healing myself however difficult. :)
Healing is a life long journey, my friend. Baby steps and self care xx
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So I'm guessing you didn't have a hard time finding friends in your new place or you are busy with Hive and threads hehe.
Moving to a different to live has his perks and I can totally understand your husband and how he feels... It's a bit lonely at first.
Thanks for participating, all the best!
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