I've been seeing someone...
I uttered, more than a little hesitantly at the breakfast table.
You have been WHAT?!
The Good Lady waggled a cereal spoon in my direction in a way that made my testicles leap up in fright and scamper into the soft dark safety of my intestinal cavity.
It's not like that?!
I motioned her back with a stoppy hand raised high like a superhero indulging in a bit of cow tipping
She put down the spoon and grumbled at me.
Well, Mr Filthy-Bastard, perhaps you would like to explain?
Her words spat out from lips pursed so thin she çould have been mistaken for a Postbox constructed from gammon slices.
I took a deep breath and began my tale...
It all started a few months ago. I was out at the supermarket getting the lockdown supplies in and as I was approaching the exit, I saw someone out of the corner of my eye near the glass doors.
Someone I felt that I recognised. Someone very familiar.
I turned around for a closer look but there were too many people in the way and I couldn't see them again.
The thing is, I felt like I knew the person that I had seen. It had only been a moment but I was sure that I knew who it was but I just couldn't place them.
I took a breath and readied to continue my tale.
What did they look like?
The Good Lady looked intrigued as she interrupted hideously rudely.
I scowled at her, my eyes small and dark like the holes on a Scotch Pie
It was a he, and he was about my height. With glasses and a big belly. That was about it. But there was something hauntingly familiar about him.
I took off my glasses and rubbed them as if about to deliver a tub-thumping speech about my client's innocence to the Judge in a Movie courtroom.
Uuuuh huuuuh.
The Good Lady interrupted again with a knowing smirk plastered over her face.
Excuse me lady, why the smirk? Can I not just tell my story without you interrupting every five seconds?!
My scowl from before which had already been fierce, ramped up a couple of notches until I now looked like a Timber Wolf gnawing at a Turkey's penis.
I pity Mrs Turkey.
Oh darling, don't be so huffy. We all know how this is going to go. You are going to tell me about seeing this mysterious yet somehow familiar fat guy here there and everywhere and then at the end you are going to look all wobbly-eyed and say that you realise the big fatty that you have been seeing is you reflected in various windows, hahaha!!
She laughed like a Software Developer being asked to document their work.
And then, then you will say how you have to go on a diet for real and get back to the gym to lose the beef!!
The Good Lady laughed so hard that had she had false teeth they would have come flying right out of her head.
I glared at her in outrage.
What?! You think the big fat guy I have been seeing out of the corner of my eye is my own reflection?!?!
The Good Lady grinned and nodded before standing.
Sorry my darling. Don't feel bad though, we have all put on a bit of weight throughout lockdown. You will get it off in no time.
She stood and leaned over to ruffle my hair and walked out of the room giggling.
I looked for something to throw at her but as I did my bingo wing swayed back and forth slightly.
My eyes widened at the sight and I let out a soft whimper.
Perhaps I had better start working out again?
Can't fool me, I know that ain't no turkey dick. Seen one, seen 'em all, and I've seen 'em all.
You my friend, win the prize! It ain't a Turkey dick, its a Turkey neck!!
Whodda thunk it!! Freaky necked beasts that they are!
:OD
!PIZZA
Awww yeah, winning a prize you didn't know about is tight!
(catchphrase credit)
Thanks for the pizza!
Barely an inconvenience
Super easy!!
I was beaten to thesuper easy!
@brandt! I sent you a slice of $PIZZA on behalf of @meesterboom.
Did you know you can earn $PIZZA through Hive-Engine Diesel Pools? (2/20)
I guess everyone has to start working out.
I lost so much weight when I started working however there was a strike in my workplace and I have gathered all the belly fat.
I mean how can someone eat without adding weight.
I am in need of this manual.. Anytime you get it, please send a link. Thank you
Your fat mate
bhoa
If I can lose it I will pass on the secrets!!
Lolz :OD
I wish you luck
Chers! I will report back in 6 months!
I will do my best to check on you in the next 6 months 26th February. Cheers
Haaaaaaaa, it was your reflection in the glass haaaaaaa, while I was reading I thought that, it is her reflection, when you took off your glasses you did not realize it ha ha ha ha, the good lady, I imagine her laughing and looking at your weight gain, Maybe she hadn't noticed it and you already let her see it, exercise so she doesn't keep making fun of you ha ha ha ha,
Happy Saturday
Happy Saturday!!
Yes, she is partially being cheeky but I do have a couple of pounds to lose to become a Titan once more! :OD
I can't believe she thought it was you!! Even if it was, she should have let you finish the tale.
Who knew you were packing? Not me.
Intermittent fasting. You will never be the same again. :) Plus, you get to eat turkey. I knew that would make you smile. :))
You haven't been cow-tipping? You haven't lived. I love to watch them try to push them over when they are sleeping.
I have intermittent fasted before, it worked a treat until it became intermittent feasting!!
I haven't been tipping ever, I have been charged by a cow and been scarred by the experience!! :0D
Haha! Intermittent Feasting! Sounds delicious!
I was charged by a cow. Who knew they were so bull-ish? Holy moly! Let me see the scars.
Wait. Nevermind.
No one wants to see a cow scar!!!
Oops, it's eight AM, time for another feast!! :0)
Stop it man, you're killing me! 🤣
Hey bro, you need to be careful trying to throw things with bingowingitis...It throws the aim way off.
Anyway, I'm going to address the elephant in the room and ask the question...How much enjoyment did you derive from arranging that turkey neck to look so...Well, you know, like a fecking cock!
When I was growing up we used to throw the turkey neck to the cats and my mum always used to joke about it being a turkey's willy - for years I thought it really was. I was busy relieved when I found out it was the neck!!
No one wants to see a turkey dick. No one I know anyway. 😆
I dont even know if they have one but hell, if they do, I don't think there is anyone that wants to see that shit!
They do man...Them male turkeys be fuckin'.
I think I would prefer to think of them reproducing like snails or something. Yuuurgh!
Seems easier on the mind.
Good Lord, that's a big sword you're packing there....for some reason that turkey thingy activates my gag reflexes lmao. I'm thinking you came quite close to taking up a new profession, like a eunuch. Was it the Bear Man?
That makes sense. Everyone knows that turkeys are known for their remarkable ability to constantly gobble.
That's my weekend He-Man look, complete with giant sword and horse cat!! It was genuinely just me, kept catching a glimpse of my reflection and thinking, who is that fat guy, do I know him? :0D
She's heard this one a few times then? :D
Heh heh, yes indeed. I think she has heard all of my takes on things. I must try harder! Maybe I am getting old and unoriginal!
Or just old and forgetting which spins you've already put on things for the long time listeners? XD
Yes, it could well be that. My razor wir, it's deserting me!!
Pffft be heartened Boom. Just like grey hair, a bit extra packed on looks much better on the male than the female :))
These are incontrovertible facts!
I feel lighter already, at least in spirit! ;O)
How many pounds of turkey dick can you bench?
Judging by the look of that fecker... not many!!!
I've heard of clanging and banging, "Pounding the weights."
But I'm fairly certain that's the kind of weight that'll pound you.
Its like something from day of the dead. Funk that zombie apocalypse!
Imagine that thing chasing you going, "Gobble gobble."
No amount of pills and counselling would fix that stress disorder...
That made me snort! lol. Yes, that would be a haunting for a very long time. Every time you closed your eyes you would see and hear it.
If you survived that is
Have you ever been cow tipping? They should actually call it, "You're about to get trampled and will most likely be running for your life soon plus you'll probably fall in fresh shit and ruin your clothes but it's funny to the people watching who know better."
This must have been as loud as Mrs Turkey after a trip down the chutney highway! :O
Poor Mrs Turkey, a sphincter like an old rubber band! :OD
Good for nothing, stick her in the oven!
With her Damned devil permits too!!
Boom you dirty scalliwag! Those who know your stories suggest youre good to your lady though, couldn't be another woman....at least not yet!?!?
Nah, never! I be a faithful old doggy till the day they shut the kennel door one last time!
Youre a good man Boom. Keep those stories churnin.
Keep those loins burnin.
And keep the wheels on the Boom jeep....turnin.
I gotta hit a few sets of the ol weights myself, so lets keep rockin.
You got to keep rocking or give up and die and no easy that's happening!
I've not found the elixir of life or anything though, don't get me wrong :0D
Thanks so much for including the Turkey penis pic.. I was afraid I was gonna have to Google it..
It's my pleasure! Providing Turkey dick pics so you don't have to find em is my speciality!!!!
Alas, at least there was only a familiar person (she says as she tucks away her third chin). Indeed, a workout sounds like a good idea.
Yes, it is amazing how it can all cheap up on ya unsuspected!!
She laughed like a Software Developer being asked to document their work. Haha, too true
Oh yes indeed! It is one that cracks me up to this day! The horror of expecting such things! :OD
Have you thought that that reflective surface could be one of those guys who reflect you more slender than you are... ? Of course, it can also be from the gang that makes you fatter. But, I think you know what the correct answer is. Right, fatty?
Yup, that is the right answer.
In an ideal world I would be surrounded by people carrying around those circus miros which made me look like a skinny dog but alas, its not to be!
Do not despair, I saw you on the video, you are beautiful, an excellent example of a well-off successful European man (or not European anymore). Take care of your forms.
Oh don't worry. I know I still have it. I can make a lady ovulate at 90 paces. It's a gift. Just need to tighten up a few things!!
Them bingo flaps might be usefull to get you to take off and fly like a mighty super hero. Wearing a cape anol.
Now, why is it that women do get pissed off when you even lightly mention they gained a more or less Rubenesk figure, yet they can act quite harshly when it comes to men becoming more cuddly.
Anyway, I can recommend long bicycle rides and walks. Also working out with some weights to lift, especially aimed at the chest area where them moobs live. Those are the hardest parts to get rid off...
May the force be with you mate!
I am on it mate, dont worry. The weights and the long walks. I will need to dig out my bike. It is currently buried under a pile of stuff in the garage. That reminds me I need to get at the garage in general. it is a wasted space just now!
So many things to do and add on losing some beef, What is the world coming to!
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STOPGood work is perfectly done by you as a professional writer. Thanks bro
Thank you my friend!!
LOL
good one!
Cheers!!!
Hehe, the dick pic is actually a turkeys neck. It is quite the delicacy in some parts. I think it is foul, no pun intended!