What the flaming fling-flang?
I heard the front door open and then close softly. Instantly I was suspicious. No one in this house opened doors softly. Everyone charged through them usually shouting and yelling. Sometimes crying.
It was obviously a burglar. Perhaps one of the cat variety.
Not on my fucking watch.
I muttered grimly as I rose from my chair. My hand scooped up one of the many weapons secreted about the house as all Glaswegians have for these very moments.
It was a pickaxe handle, polished by years of smacking off people's skulls.
That would do.
I panther walked toward the living room door. It's like normal walking but with a more sexy ninja motif. Somewhere in the world, a woman fell pregnant. The living room door started to open and I cocked my pickaxe handle back, ready to deliver someone into the next realm. Hi baby! The door swung open fully and the Good Lady wafted in, a smile on her face and a spring in her step. She looked so happy I could almost see her flaps clapping like uncooked bacon hanging on a washing line. Oh my, are you fighting the imaginary burglars again? She chortled as she breezed past me and my pickaxe handle. Um, no, I was just holding it up to the light to... erm... anyway... How was your thing? Carefully, I set the pickaxe handle down, attempting to look casual as if I often walked about the house with a menacing bit of wood in my hands. It was amazing. Honestly, it was so relaxing. So good. I feel really zen. She laughed, not a laugh of embarrassment for sounding like a deranged hippy but a laugh of genuine amusement at the world and its follies. She had been to a Welllness morning. Something her work sent her on. I had thought she was mental for going to something workish on a Saturday but it looked like I was in the wrong. She practically shone with vitality and energy. That's awesome, darling. It really seems to have suited you. So what did you do as part of all this wellness malarkey? I was genuinely interested. An open mind is a healthy mind as they say. It was mostly mindfulness exercises. Her voice took on a dreamy quality. Teaching us to be in the moment and to live right now in that present moment. Hold on to it and think not of what was but what is. She sighed happily, her eyes glazing over like a hippy hugging a sheep. If you find your mind wandering bring it back by focusing on your breathing. The Good Lady's voice sunk low into a hypnotic drone. There was music. A man had a guitar. She opened her eyes slightly and sighed happily again. Wait a minute? A man had a guitar? What the fuck was this, a sexy party? Sounds a bit woo woo to me. I growled disapprovingly. The Good Lady jerked out of her dream state to lock me with a stern stare. Hey. It's not all woo woo, there is actual science behind it!?! She snapped snippishly. I felt a smirk pull at the corners of my mouth. I beg your pardon? I held in the laughter that was threatening to burst out of me like a Chinese dam. There is actual science behind it. The Good Lady muttered in a very non zen way. I couldn't help it. The laughter burst forth and I slipped off my chair onto the floor. You're being mean. She pouted. I looked up from where I was pissing myself gently with laughter. No, I'm not. I'm just being mindful.
I wouldn't be so churlish to say it was a direct result of the sexy panther walk but it was.
Now now, minds out of the gutter.
Most woo actually has science behind it. Though I am still trying to figure out mine XD
LoL do you often battle
imaginaryburglars?Glad she had a good time :)
Haha, I do!! Will, I still practice Kung fu and like to imagine I am beating intruders when prancing about 🤣
It is true of the woo. It just always makes me laugh when someone says it like that!
I should try to cram training (just prancing about by myself, I don't know if i can afford to go back to my group yet ;-;) in to my schedule too, I just don't know where ;-;
Imagining that you're beating up intruders is probably the best way to go about it XD
It is good, gets you all excited as well as doing your training!!
The only thing is, sometimes things get kicked!
RoFL! That's why I do it outside, much moar saferer XD
Dang, I gotta up my game. My drunken seagull walk has yet to make anyone fall pregnant and now I am suffering more than a bit of FOMO.
That said, I hope you are still with us, or at least not walking around with a pickaxe handle stuffed in a place that shall not be named and rhymes with Hutt. I'd be very mindful in that state, hopefully the Good Lady stayed in her sheep hugging well-being realm for your sake. 😆
!PIZZA
I think her mindfulness head work of on me a little. I have put all weapons away in their correct places that don't rhyme with hut :0D
Thank the gods for that! Out of place weaponry definitely doesn't spark well-being joy at all, hope you stay in a non-impaled state this weekend and beyond😁
lmao 😂
I'm just picturing you walking in the door after work just silently crying to yourself. I get it, everyone feels that way at times both at work and after, and for many different reasons haha
I don't even want to know what "flaps" is referring to.
Mindfulness is a very powerful thing and there actually is quite a bit of science behind it. There are more and more scientific studies being done on meditation these days in the field of psychology. One of the most interesting that I read in university was that long term meditation can grow grey matter cells specifically in the hypocampus, the part of the brain that is dedicated to learning. Mindfulness is used in a lot of mental health therapy as well, but it's especially useful for people with chronic neurological pain, when drugs don't have an effect on the patient.
You certainly don't want to know what flaps means but I think you do! Lol.
I have since been educated by my fine lady and can now be said to be firmly convinced now, especially knowing it's more mediation'y. It's just when she first said it I just though, oh heck no!! I was thinking not so much meditation as some hokey cokey hippy manifestation type nonsense!! :0D
Haha yeah that's fair. It can definitely sound very hippy dippy when people talk about it. Especially when you add in guitar lead sing alongs 😂
The guitar did it for me. I had a very 70s California image in my mind!!
Nobody did it quite like Ash!
Well luckily you're alert... imagine if you'd set that stick off when the door opened😱
You would probably get a couple of nights in the garden if your lady is in a good mood heh heh!
However, although I'm not from Glasgow, I also keep some weapons at home... I prefer swords though, of course I have to admit that I have a few sticks and sticks, not a pickaxe handle though, mmm I'll have to update my arsenal💪💪💪
I would love a sword. I said to the Good LAdy that we should get one for decorative purposes that we could hang on the wall.
You can maybe guess her answer :OD
I also sense it because I imagine it's the same one my wife gave when I asked for further purchases of swords.
My luck is that I had a set of three swords that my brother had given me when I wasn't married yet....and I was able to keep it for decoration in the studio heh heh!
I should have acted earlier and got a hold of one or two before I got married! Aaagh, smart thinking! :O)
Eh Eh yes, consider that I got married quite late ... during my life I had the time to plan and make all the purchases that a wife would not let me do muhahahahah!
I did too! B/ut my planning was obviously wanting!
Oh well come on, as far as I'm concerned despite the lack of a few more swords, all in all, mine is a good life eh eh!
Even my planning had some shortcomings... but I can solve that by buying and bringing everything to the beach house... nobody will ever know anything muhahahah!
Stop it. Quit asking permission.. it's so much easier to ask forgiveness
I think it is sensible to keep such weapons inside and around the house for the unusual events 😁
I do too! Although amusingly the Good Lady was baffled by it. She hasn't lived in Glasgow all her life though :OD
Now, now, Mr M! 😆
Meditation has indeed been scientifically proven to increase concentration, change brain chemistry (affect perception and mood positively, although I've personally found a game of Fornite does this far faster - dopamine rush anyone :D ) and also...
wait for it...
physically rebuild the brain (the Hippocampus specifically). No sh!t. Who would've thunk, huh?
Having said that...
"Never trust a Hippie!" *The Freak Brothers
They don't know their science from their science-fiction most of the time. They are, however, very good at starting cults (cults are tax free y'know)
Came to dose up on some Seratonin and Dopamine - your feed is great for that 👍 😁
Hehe, I am my own worst enemy at times as I really do like quite a lot of hippie stuff. I also quite like the idea of mindfulness, as in the concepts but the way it is being touted these days as the cure all for everything grinds my gears just a tad :OD
The Freak Bros had it right. lol
Oh... those "love and lighters" need a good smack across the head with an ax handle!
Lemme know where to sign up! 😈
I heard the front door open and then close softly. Instantly I was suspicious. No one in this house opened doors softly.
I truly got angry when someone Close my car Gate harshly, Even my Wife don't have a permission to do that :P
If someone closes my car door harshly I go berserk, LOL!
My car is my love and it's my first car, How can i allow someone to treat her in a harsh way ?
.....but tonight you will drink wine. BOOM
You must be psychic!! The wine it be flowing!!
😂😂😂👍
Dayum, your Six Sense.. poor door when it realized someone closed it softly !LOL
I literally do fight imaginary burglars.. why so relateable.
Nice life lesson there... Things Got out of Hands so quickly... 😂 Oh, that pickaxe part Got me... Don't put it back in cover or whatever as it can result to something, somewhere. Iykyk.
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I fight them too. I plan it all out. You have to be prepared!
She has been super happy ever since. I am quite pleased for her. As long as she doesn't try to drag me into the madness of it all!
Laughs!!!
Don't worry I would have probably also grabbed a baseball bat... Or even the axe and swing it 😂😂😂
Luckily it was only the lady! Laughs but why did she sneak in? Like you said no one opens or closes doors sneakily in their own homes.
But on a different note.. Living in the now is what we are built for.... But instead we love dwelling in the past or dreaming of the future... It's sad how we miss our lives right now in the moment...
She never even sneaked, she just floated in on a wave of happy relatedness!!
I am always grabbing random weapons when I hear people at the door. A bad habit!
There is a point in that. If we focus a bit more in the here and now we would probably be a bit happier
When one is alone at home and there is such a scene, one is really afraid of what it is. Just kidding, here in Pakistan it actually happens like this, a thief comes at night and robs the whole house like this. A few days ago, the same thing happened with our relatives. Thieves took all the valuables from their house. In today's era, every person must have something for their safety.
It is true. That is exactly why I make sure I am always in ready reach of something I can happily kill am intruder with!!
A pick axe handle... do you not have AK-47s there...? The cat burglar does..
We are lucky us we can own a BB gun here!! You need a license!! Lol
Handling Cat Burglars 101..
#FuckAroundAndFindOut
#IwishAmotherFuckerWould
"flaming fling-flang"..... that is fun to say. I stopped as soon as I read it and said it out loud a time or two before continuing to read. It's hard to say over and over really fast though...LOL !!
She should have picked up that axe handle and given you a thump for ruining her moment of zen, or at least that is what I could picture myself doing. Then she could have continued her zenning as she watched those cartoon birdies flying around your lumped up noggin.
She was quite annoyed at my attempts to jerk her out of her zen state
Although she has been remarkably chilled since it. To the point where I am thinking I would like to try!! :0D
The trouble with the internet is that everything's on it. If there were 50,000 scientific papers stating that something doesn't work, But one scientific paper (that has since been proven incorrect - and admitted by the authors) that claims that same something does work. The person who controls the algorithm controls what the masses read - and if the algorithm is based on number of views ... well, then we are simply screwed.
What I stated above is absolutely true ... there is actual science behind it!?!
There is science behind it! The science that has been chosen for us to see!!!
It is a sad fact though. Google and all the rest skew the results based on what is best for them. E think we get something out of it but they get more.
On the other hand, if the results of a search were unfiltered we might never find anything of use!
That is absolutely true. I remember the first search engines - crap. I much prefer what we have now.
Oh lordy, I remember them too. The results were ridiculous and that was with far fewer pages than there is now.
In the UK there was a particularly bad cutting edge one called Ask Jeeves oh dear!
The first one I remember was ask your friends for the freaking URL.
There was always that one friend that scoured the bulletin boards and UseNet and had the answer. Then, you could finally play the cutting edge game .... Sopwith...
Or, an all time favorite .... Bouncing Babies
If you really wish, you can now play either of these gems on a browser.
I remember when my 33MHz computer got upgraded to 66MHz and these games became unplayable!!!
Oh man. Then we're the days huh!
I remember Geocities and such torrid nonsense. There was a small golden age of creativity though that I also remember with flash videos and the like but that was much later
The sick twisted mind of the programmer who wrote "Bouncing Babies" .... perhaps reminds me a little of MeesterBoom.
You really nailed her with that pun at the end, that would have been glorious.
Hehe, you gotta save the best till last!
I think you need one of these from Karate Mart.
I used to have one of those!! I don't know what that says about me 🤣
Lol, it's better to be prepared and not need to use it than to need it and not have it.
That's a philosophy I can stand behind!!
Pfft the ladies should appreciate a manly man protecting his castle!
The ladies never do!! Till the day that you don't then they would!
Dude, that was really close. The lady should be more careful next time or something bad might happen.
Something bad will probably involve her talking the pickaxe handle off me and switching it where the sun don't shine!!
🤣I wonder what she would have done if you asked her to teach you 😂
She'll be happy that you're ready for the burglars if one ever breaks in!
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She would have been very happy to teach me. She has been trying to ever since!!
Oh no, is this going to be her new mission???
I think it is indeed!!
That's scary...
!PIZZA
"There is actual science behind it" doesn't cut it any longer.
as we've seen what happened with so-called 'science' in the last couple of years ;<)
And yeah, I have been on the whole woowoo quest myself, meditationd, mindfulness, etc.
but don't try to convince me with science,
never more!
said the Raven
Science is the new enemy is the peoples!!!
Let them eat science and see how far that gets them. :0)
Maybe I should meditate and calm myself down. Might do wonders!
I'm sitting in front of my new fireplace, with a good friend, @vindiesel1980
We just ate a delicious meal that I spent 3 hours on preparing ( boeuf bourgignon ), the bottle of red wine is almost empty.
All is well...
That's the best kind of mindful ( and stomach full ) ness.
Cheers!
I must be Glaswegian.
Like only a true Titan can.
Dafuq, bacon belongs in a pan, between bread with a fried egg and red sauce.
Anyway, you're lucky she didn't take your pickaxe handle and zen the fuck out of your noggin with it. Also...A man with a guitar...You have one right? Considering there's probably no actual science behind that thing it occurs to me that you could run sessions! #sidegig
Haha, I always suspected some honorary Scotsman/Glaswegian in your blood!!
That's a fair idea. Side gig plucking the strings at a mindfulness session. Get to Igor all the ladies too as I bet these sessions are jam packed with em!! :0)
Dem ladies will be swooning. Make it so.
Here's you swinging into action.
That's me every time!! Lol!
How good were those cartoons man! That's rhetorical, I know the answer.
Better than anything these days!
You're not the only one with secret weapons kept in handy places, "just in case they try to open the front door"... I have a baseball bat that if I crash it, I literally pass out, sir, it's always better to be ready...you never know he'll break into your house.
They are very good exercises to keep alert and be really awake and aware.
My husband on two occasions has been in the crosshairs, lol
Lol. It's always the husbands in the cross hairs!
It's a very good idea. Ask extra level of safety just in case
Just in case... it's better to be "always ready" like the scouts
It's almost always the husbands hahahah, but after he passes the threshold of the door, one tells them "you scared me I thought he was a stranger" and that's when you give him the big hug and kiss respectively.
In that case it is almost worth being doinked over the head for 🙂
🤗
They should send your gang on a wellness retreat. Now that would be a post for the ages.
Heh heh. Oh yes, I can imagine that!!!
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