The woman sat down next to me on the bus. Almost immediately, I noticed something oozing from her box. It was urine, and I could smell it.
Apparently she had been delivering urine samples to the lab when her car broke down. Then to make matters worse, poor gal tripped and fell while running to the bus stop and fucked up her box.
She asked if I could help her and I said, "Probably not."
Unfortunately, this nice lady, her terrible day, and that leaky box of hers all followed me off the bus once it was my stop. Thing is, that wasn't my stop. The knitting festival was still half the city away. I just wanted to remove myself from the piss.
This is where it gets interesting.
After trying to walk faster than her for roughly one block, I came to terms with the fact I wouldn't be able to shake this woman without looking like a little bitch by running away in front of all the gangstas.
At first it was annoying but eventually I was offered a deal. Ten dollars and a half pack of smokes to fill those piss samplers back up and not tell anyone. Said she might lose her job over this mishap, but it was explained to me in the tone of voice that sounds like one could ask for more.
We agreed on twelve dollars, half a pack of smokes, and a red cigarette lighter that was nearly full. I needed one of those for sure and told her to give it to me upfront. A few flicks and that shit fired right up. That's how you know they're good.
Now we're walking along, sidewalk style, trying not to step in all the shit or get snagged on a tent. It was hard for me because I was drunk as fuck, trying to act sober for this lady that thinks she's paying me for clean piss, as I'm leading her to an alley I know about, where everyone goes.
Two people all screwed up on trank were standing guard there, hunched over and frozen in position, acting like a gate. Unresponsive, of course.
Was a bit unsure if I should knock or just walk but we managed to get right through there without even being asked for a smoke, so that was nice.
The Piss Lady is holding her box like that dork in school who didn't know how to carry his books the cool way. Pressed into her tits. Piss all over her nice white shirt.
She would've fit right in if it wasn't for those shoes going click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click as she walked along.
And the box appeared to be heavy, but I didn't care.
Finally, we're at the spot.
Had already grown accustomed to the smell of urine being around me so it was hard to tell if we reached the destination.
The stains up and down the walls were a dead giveaway though, and that was the first time I was ever happy to see them. Admired some of the designs for a moment. Saw one that looked just like Jesus.
The Piss Lady — whose name turned out to be, Rain, of all things — starts acting real sketchy as she's showing me what's in the box.
She'd been holding on tight to a leaking piss box, following a drunk stranger who didn't even shower through a homeless encampment to an alley to take a piss and I'm thinking: this is the first time she's nervous?
"These aren't piss samples! Are you trying to rip me off!"
She asked me to calm down but there was no fucking way I was going to calm down once I saw what was in the box.
I'm standing there feeling kind of dizzy, staring at about two dozen tied off condoms full of piss and it's all sloshing around as she's yelling, "I can explain!"
However, before she got a good chance to do that we both noticed two gentlemen emerge from a dumpster. Her shrieks must have alerted them and they clearly thought they were the authorities.
One starts flinging literal shit at me and the other tries to climb up then lunge at us like he's Randy Savage or some shit going for a flying elbow but he slips and falls flat on his face instead. The crack sound was an indication that must have sucked and I think even the ground felt it.
Now is our chance!
I grabbed one of those dank cum catchers and lobbed it in their general direction. Huge piss explosion! Then the stink.
Nobody expects a piss balloon so those two didn't know what the fuck to think.
Now they're both doused in piss. One's taking cover and the other is down, bleeding from the mouth with missing teeth as his jaw just hangs there, trying to pull himself out of the puddle with only his arms.
It was at that moment, they knew they fucked up, so that's when Rain and I seized the opportunity to get the hell out of there.
Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click!
She's fast.
Got the box on her arm like she's running for a touchdown this time. Booking it.
Had a hard time keeping up with her. Then I stopped.
Thinking: "Why the fuck am I even doing this?"
Then I hear a thud. Rain's down. Piss everywhere.
"It's those damn shoes of yours!"
I thought about yelling at her more about those shoes but instead she looked up at me and I melted. Couldn't tell if those were tears or just piss. She needed help.
Fucksakes so there I am, hands inside my sleeves so I don't have to touch her as I'm helping her back up to her feet.
Within seconds she's already taking inventory, sorting through her box, and picking up what can be salvaged.
Normally this would be the part of the story where the man notices he's attracted to this hot mess.
"Rain!"
"You need to tell me what the fuck is going on right now, or I'm tapping out."
Instead, I fell in love with what she told me. She's a piss dealer.
Instantly became my dream job. Piss in condoms all day. Sell it off at a premium to athletes, cops, and all kinds of people who must piss in cups to pass tests. Way better than shoving cocaine condoms up my ass and sitting on a jet for eight hours, that's for sure.
Finally a new career path that works for me. Already connected. Can piss my dreams away and it's all good!
Her client was paying top dollar for this run. She's late and now offering me $200, full pack of smokes, plus I still had that lighter. For sure I'm in!
But we don't have much time.
There was a busy fast food place up and around the corner so I knew just what to do.
Next to it is a convenience store so I quickly asked for a payday loan and ran inside while Rain waited outside in the sun to dry off after slipping me the twenty.
Came out of there with two boxes of condoms. The giant ones so I could fit more and luckily they were on sale so I asked the woman behind the counter for her number. She must have been desperate for business in this economy because that's the fastest anyone has ever given me their digits. Normally they can't even remember.
Thinking: Right on. Now I got the hook up.
In business, it's always good to know where to get cheap supplies, but I knew I had no time to brag about it to Rain.
Quickly headed inside the restaurant and started kicking the urinals until the drain pipes broke. Installed four condoms under there then went out and ordered a burger and fries with the left over money I saved up from doing good business deals.
Had those rubbers hooked up faster than fast food.
Sat there and watched men going in and out of the toilets, pouring that easy money down the drain and straight into my future.
Half an hour is all it took. Slid on inside when the coast was clear, saw all those plump gold danglers hanging there and at that moment I knew I was a natural. Put my pants inside my socks, unhooked and tied everything off one by one, then down my pants they went and the lube did the rest. Felt cool and warm at the same time.
Then out the door. Piss heist complete. They didn't even know what hit them. Milked that fucker for everything they had and even took some napkins to help dry Rain.
But there's no sign of Rain.
And I forgot to get her number.
So there I am with four giant condoms worth of piss shoved down my pants and no place to go. Checked everywhere I could think of and couldn't find her. Even looked up to the sky and called out her name for a good fifteen minutes.
Nothing.
So, whatever. Meandered my way down to the bus stop thinking I could still catch the tail end of the big event provided the bus isn't late again this time. Sat down next to someone, piss bag broke, soaked everything including the coasters I made and planned to sell at the knitting festival for like two bucks each.
Those ladies love my merch and this thing only happens once every year.
Thinking: Now for sure nobody will want them.
Never in a million years could anyone predict a simple trip to the knitting festival could turn out to be so pissy.
Got that new lighter though. Still works.
I bet Rain's real name is Lorraine and she lives a double life. Maybe she spotted someone she knew and had to make a run for it. Probably spends a lot of money on laundry detergent, trying to hide the yellow evidence.
It's tempting to continue this story. So many unsolved mysteries. It's possible she might be a package thief with a few screws loose upstairs as well. Could take this in a million and one directions and still not get anywhere.
I've got this image of you riding that dirt bike (whatever you call it - that thing with two wheels that goes off road) in circles on a nicely maple leaf strown Canadian patch of earth. You've got a pretty deep circular rutt there while you mutter Can't decide which direction to go with this story...
Hey, I happened to see mention of the fires up there. Hope all is well with you. I pulled up the daily update thingie, and it advised me that most of it was mid to upper province, and population density is in the south, so hopefully you are just being inconvenienced by smoke.
It's been interesting. An entire city was just evacuated. Things probably got worse since your message. Plenty of smoke, yes. Most Canadians probably smell like beef jerky, myself included.
Glad you are alright and have reappeared. Just imagine yourself walking back to Hive from a cloud of smoke. I bet you feel cool. Everybody likes beef jerky ;)
It's really hard for a Canadian to not feel cool.
I circled back to say this story was a great read and it keeps coming back to me.
Been thinking of it in patches since yesterday morning.
That's good art, you know 😉
Was a good time.
And of course it's satisfying on my end when someone recognizes something like this as an artform. The art I produce isn't just pictures. I also do piss.
I have a friend who's into golden showers. Apparently it's a thing. You may have found a niche. And I'm not taking the piss
(Yes. Creative writing is also art :) )
Comedy is also art. So many layers... lol
We're all about the layers around here.
I have around five layers on right now. It's fucking cold at the coast.
Also depends on the comedy. Of course. 😏
Also about to finish bingewatching "True Story" on Netflix and I usually only fall asleep in front of Netflix.
You'll thank me later ;)
I don't have netflix. Been playing Project Zomboid in my downtime. You'll thank me later.
Oh goody...
I'll thank you later.
Holy fuckin shit man!!! I can’t tell if this is fiction, or your life is sincerely cooler than mine by orders of magnitude. Either way, you know how to tell a story - this had me fuggen rollin!
You're not the only one rolling in piss.
LOL - hell no man, there’s a shitload a people doin’ that
Psst.. you got a light
LOL Yes.
Just make sure you give it back.
You just can't depend on piss dealers these days. Or rain for that matter. FFS, life is getting shitter by the year!
Climate change.
In Scotland we are all rooting for climate change so we get warmer weather. Don't tell anyone though or we will get in trouble 😎
Haha, nah mate, you don't want Greta Thunderberg hear you say that, she'll show you her face and you'll be fucked up!
She might canoe me!!
I know mate, one must be careful when it comes to Ms Thunderberg, it's not one to take lightly.
One is always careful when dealing with the unknowns!
I am ready to root for any reason.
Har, the Fins are rubbing off on you!!!
Like a wombat...Eats, roots and leaves.
We get that nicer climate here in Bulgaria too! :)
they take a good care of lining up the skies in very hot days, so we can have a proper chilling nutritional rains after days, soaking the Earth for the sake of... whatever...
It's good we have strong winds in here :D
Our climates sound a little similar although I have been to Bulgaria and I think it was warmer in the middle but I was in!
Nice! somehow i felt it..
and yeah.. it's warmer... i'm in the south-east 111 km from Bourgas
Further south than where I was, Nessebar. Great stuff, more south, more heat!
Certainly becoming harder and harder to forecast these events. But I don't think Rain should be the one to ruin piss dealers for you.
I'm still in business.
Keep clicking that lighter. They are worth their weight in gold theses days.
Real gold. Not piss gold.
Dude, this is liquid gold. I found endless fountains man! Rivers of it! Even have huge plans of adding fragrances from all natural sources as well. Create an entirely new line of merch as a side hustle. They'll be rubbing this shit all over their bodies in no time you'll see!
I can see it. I can see how the gold had changed you. You used to care nothing for the piss. And now?
Now, you just want to take the piss out of everyone!
You're just jealous. This could have been yours man. Didn't you see my Lambo out front? That's right. How can you miss it!
I was going to let you drive it, man. Was.
Fragrances! ✅
Starting with asparagus I guess. Organic asparagus of course.
Can't go wrong with asparagus! Think I'll call that one, Asparapiss.
Haha!
You're like Bill Blazejowski, the person Michael Keaton played, in the 1982 movie, Night Shift.
An ideas man!
You know...feed the tuna fish mayonnaise so one doesn't need to put the mayo on the sandwich. Truly inspirational stuff.
I can see the marketing headline now:
Asparapiss - Yellow, warm and pungent - Be an Asparapiss man (Also available in the ultra-pungent eu de parfum for ladies because everyone wants to be pissed on)
Oh dear Lord where did this come from?🤣🤣🤣🤣
You my dear friend are a natural and that's not even up for an argument🤣
These ideas just come to me, then I have a burning desire to release them. No sense holding them in. Similar to piss.
Oh God!!😂😂
Hahaha, I had fun reading this piss story!
Thought shit posts were becoming too mainstream so I thought I'd try something new. Piss posts.
Hahaha...I think you should set up the Piss Community...there are probably a lot of pissers hanging around in Hive with their Piss stories! Who knows it might become a trending community!
I'm up to my arms in piss, man. I don't think I'll have the time to run another business and I can't crown myself King Piss just yet. I still got work to do.
But I know they're out there. Somewhere. It's obvious to me piss will become so much more someday.
Yeah, and I'll think of you then when the time comes...Mr Piss King.
We're piss brothers, man. And don't forget that.
Bro and sista piss team :))
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, my stomach can't handle it! I drink beers like a professional and pee like a high-powered machine. By the way, can anyone hook me up with Rain's encrypted phone number? I promise it's for top-secret pee-related business at Peepee A.C (Anonymous company).
That's the problem! I wish I had her number. I could've hooked all you folks up! We could all be powering up our piss right now!
But if I find her, you're first on the list. It's a promise.
Of course, I'm not sure if yellow levels are important, but mine is a neon orange in case you want to highlight and classify me. Thanks, bro! I appreciate your talent and support. Now I'll just be over here, shining like on steroids! ⭐
There's always a place for someone like you on the chart. I take all piss. Thinking about renting a trailer too. One of those good ones with the cooler that'll stay running for days.
fck yeah!!!!
This, is the life!
I started reading and thought, blah blah blah, this post is pissy, and then...that line grabbed my attention. 🤣
I read some more, getting bored and then...
Poor dear.
Fuck dude, this had me laughing out loud...in a cafe where I'm sitting by myself. People looked. I delivered my death gaze and they scurried away. If I'd had a piss-balloon-grenade I'd have tossed it at them.
So anyway, tucked pants into socks...I do that all the time, it's the fashion down here in Australia, the longer the socks the better and it works great with MC Hammer pants. You'd fit right in down here. And bring some piss-balloon-grenades too, loads of people who deserve one of those, we'll start in Canberra.
I'm sorry your merch, the knitted coasters, were ruined, but that lighter was a win!
Good post mate, one for the anals. Or the annals, whichever. 😉
Took a huge risk with that headline/title so I knew I needed a good hook.
Gotcha.
It makes me happy to hear you lost your shit in public LOL! That's always the best place to read one of my laugh traps.
Spent a good chunk of time of this one. Even made myself laugh as things came to mind.
Picturing this dude walking around with his pants in his socks, all padded up with piss sacks, yelling at the sky for rain. Would make a good movie.
Seriously dude, I laughed out loud and the table next to mine were like, WTF. I imagined the poor beleaguered Rain desperately needing your help, piss everywhere, and you're like, nope, methinks not.
It's clear some time went into this and there's many great lines in there, funny scenarios and images for one to conjure. There's some fucken funny comments in the comment thread too. Bunch of nutbags really...in a good way like me.
Been a fun time so far. I'm smiling. Seemingly quiet today but whatever. Still some time and it's not going anywhere. Feel kind of bad for anyone coming here to see knitting, but thinking about their reaction is hilarious as well. So many layers. lol
One must do some bad to even out the good they do...it could have been something worse, so it's ok.
Like an onion. (Or parfait.)
They make larger condoms?
Yeah dude. Ladies could probably use them on their legs to go with their rain coats on rainy days.
Foot fetishists call them, Spanx.
Dude! Shhhh.
I can see your google history.
and smallers? :(
Nope. It's official. You're unhinged. So unhinged. I love it. I don't think the job's open to females though but I'd like to see how well the business goes.
Damn, I think I cracked a rib laughing so much.
No, we hire women. There's a device in development that'll do all the dirty work while you just stand there. I've seen it done but it's just a prototype. Should be on the market soon. Don't give up! This is for everyone.
A device that does the dirty work? Doesn't that take out all the fun?
Well. If you think buckets are fun, I can get you started right away. Usually when I show the bucket they show me the finger but if you're game, I'm down.
Crazy person.
Yeah, well I guess we should get started in immediately. The earlier we start, the fuller the buckets, right?
The only bad bucket is an empty bucket.
Ain't that the truth. Time to piss away.💦
lololololololololol
Hahaha good I wasn’t sober anymore when I read this hahaha 🤣 🍷
Great story, as always. Thanks for that @nonameslefttouse 👋🏻😊
Have an awesome day
If you didn't have a drink before this story, you might need one after.
Indeedy !LOL depending on time of the day though 😉
Luckily I am sipping from my wine 🍷 this evening, so all good 😎
lolztoken.com
Too many cheetahs.
Credit: marshmellowman
@nonameslefttouse, I sent you an $LOLZ on behalf of @littlebee4
(5/6)
ENTER @WIN.HIVE'S DAILY DRAW AND WIN HIVE!
Does wine make you piss a lot? Serious business inquiry.
Hehe nope, beer 🍺 is much worse. (What I don’t drink)
Depends in all cases how much you drink. So a bar that sells lots of beer has customers for you 😉
Could probably skip the smashing and just dig a tunnel underneath one of those gold mines.
That’s option B 😎
Hahaha its very funny story. After reading the story I have been laughing for a long time because of the way you have told all these things. Anyone sitting in a bus like that and it starts smelling like that would be a big problem.
And problems always just seem to lead to more pissy problems. Ever notice that?
What?!
Seriously! I can get you started man. It's not even a problem.
Max jet ride on that's like an hour and a half for sure. Which design was your favorite?
I liked the flavored ones because then you could just lick your fingers when you're done. Cleanup was a breeze.
And this is exactly the reason why I never visit a knitting festival!
Hilarious story! I could easily visualize it
and am now about to enjoy my dinner ;<)
Knitting festivals just aren't the same. lol
The real money is in piss. Enjoy your dinner.
In that case, I prefer to stay piss poor
and shitty rich
You would have been an odd sight to behold at the knitting festival though, or a terrible smell rather. So much for an unfortunate bus ride😂; be careful who you sit next to, it might be a piss seller😂
I got used to the smell so I'm sure they would, too. And it's true, you never know who you'll meet and what kind of job will fall directly in your lap.
LOL
hella funny,
Was hoping you'd see this one. Had a feeling you'd like it.
The graphic threw me off for a second, knitting festival.. this deserves a follow up misadventure.
For sure there's room for a part 2. I have several disasters waiting for a part 2. Back in the day I used to reuse characters. These days I seem to move on to something else every time. We'll see.
I read it with great interest thought that it's a real story that you really had to suffer from the smell of urine 😂😹 but than at last you told it's totally a fiction story and I can't stop my laugh 😅
Probably a good thing I mentioned it then. Image the reaction here if people thought that was serious. It's good to laugh!
This was hilarious!!! I knew something was off as soon as she began chasing you. Never trust a woman who smells like a badly cleaned bathroom, get a new buyer!
Have you thought about posting these stories on Scholar And Scribe? More people should be reading them 🤣
This post has been manually curated by the VYB curation project
I never know what communities to use or whether or not my work would be welcome or just get muted. Much simpler to go into business for myself, just like piss dealing. Something like this and the way it's crafted would do better with organic shares and spreading by word of mouth. Just like piss dealing.
Dabs and company wouldn't mute it, but yeah, we do need more organic shares. Like me sharing this on PYPT if I'm still online in an hour or two.
Please do, if you wish to. People are more than welcome to do that kind of stuff.
Oddly enough I received a notification from being mentioned in an AI generated post, highlighting some of the trending posts of the day. The summary totally ruined the jokes here and took away the element of surprise. Whatever though. Amateurs... lol
😂 who gives spoilers to a story?!?! That's almost as bad as wrestling spoilers!!! Remember the ones that put the results in the title of the article?
It totally spoiled it then pissed on it LOL!
Hahahaha!!! Indeed you are a natural.
Sadly your innovative piss heist, gave rain an escape route.
I'm starting to think I got played...
LOL
Hahahaha. The quick turn of events in the story. Got me thinking you where dreaming at some points just too drunk and imagining things.
But the end had me clapping this is genius. I was into the read had it been a novel the read time could have been my whole day and I wouldn’t notice. Yet enjoy every bit of it.
What an amazing read it was.
Maybe it was all just in his head. We'll never really know...
And I'm happy to hear you had fun with it. I had a great time putting it together for everyone.
:D
That's the song that always playing when I can't find what I need at Walmart.
Is THAT why it took me 30 minutes to find it on YouTube?
I swear every other song with the name/word rain came up, and I was like ????? Noooooooooooo, Whose YouTubes algorithm are you following? Cuz it sure isn't mine!
And usually, when looking for songs, I can put in one obscure word, and it reads my mind and shows up!
NOW you know the power of WalMart!
The world is getting scarier by the second :D
Googling "songs with rain in title" would yield better results, then actually link you to the songs in some cases. Found some old country hits I was listening to just now.
Ok, I need to read this coffee ☕🚬💨 XD
don't smoke people lol
Are you taking the piss?!
Fell in the toilet. Didn't know how to swim.
I came to see if there were any more pissing contents but all quiet on the frontline... :(
Hope you're okay. <3
Still no news on the knitting festival...
Did you win?
Everyone wins.
Now that's a happy ending proper 👍
WOW this is the best story so far I read on HIVE. My mind is blown by this business idea.😆 What did you do with that piss?
LOL. I pissed it all away.