Last week I thought I was going to die.
My heart was beating so fast I thought I was going to have a heart attack. That wasn't unreasonable given my sister had one in her late '30's. I mean, I have made it to nearly 50, so that's good, but maybe that was it for me. I was breaking out into sweats, my hands were tingling, I wasn't sleeping, and I felt like bursting into tears, and often did.
Welcome to the life of an English teacher in Term 2, the busiest term of the year. And I'm only part time. It's hell. Each class set of essays can take 3 hours to mark. Then there's teaching, reports, planning, exam supervision, more reports, more essays, anxious kids, parents to deal with, and staff pushed to their breaking point. There's a constant influx of emails, so many that you miss more than one and start getting anxious you've missed a deadline, a meeting, an instruction. Combine that with a heightened sense of empathy that picks up on other people's sense of anxiety and stress, and it's enough to push you over the edge.
Hive duties, therefore, were not a priority. In fact, I had to consciously let them go in order to merely survive this week. Rare for me - I'm usually capable of juggling more than one thing, so much so that people wonder 'how I do it'. But the brutal fact is that I can't anymore. This is truly the end of my teaching career.
Random Melbourne Graffiti
But this week, I thought 'this is the end.' I'm either going to die, or I have to walk away from everything, and the two were almost not mutually exclusive.
I had my husband worried. He's a bit of a knight in shining armour, my darling man. He's always made me a priority, so he was rushing home from work to see if I was okay, and sitting with me holding my hands as I tried not to have a panic attack, which was reasonably successful, although I thought all week was a panic attack. It was hard to sit still, to close my eyes, to meditate, to do yoga or any of my usual thins to calm myself down.
The upshot? I'm finally quitting this job at the end of the year, when the school terms ends on December 13th. I'm so grateful to have had a job for ten years - it's paid well, and helped me pay off the mortage (along with a little bit of a BTC investment, thanks crypto world!) and taught me a lot. But I've hated it more than I've loved it. I loved teaching kids, but not the curriculum, the people I worked with, or many of the unreasonable demands this profession puts on you. It's taken a while to get to the point I feel I can walk away, as I know that I probably won't ever work such a well paid job again, nor likely ever have a permanent job again. My husband will be the major breadwinner now, which bothered me a lot, but he's convinced me that that's more than okay. He can handle it a lot better than I can.
It's an odd thing, getting to the end of something like a career.
But it's so right.
I've been thinking a lot lately about dying, and how I live my life. I've been thinking about how much we're led to believe a certain amount of money, or things, will see us happy, and how that doesn't sit right with me, and never has. I've been thinking a lot about the need to honour my body and my soul in the next ten years of my life, and how I'm going to spend the next twenty years of my life. This culture makes us believe that you can work and be happy, and that might be the case if you're lucky enough to land your dream job, but what about the rest of us? I've been thinking alot about the things I love, like gardening and yoga and surfing and writing. Maybe somehow I can figure out a way to earn a little bit of sustenance money from them.
Or maybe I'll just magically get better at budgeting and living off a shoestring, like I used to.
All I have to do is get through another six months without dying.
With Love,
Are you on HIVE yet? Earn for writing! Referral link for FREE account here
I'm so proud of you. It's huge to know that you need to make a change and do it. Most of us just run ourselves into the ground or self sabotage or something like that.
Your mortgage is paid off, that's a HUGE weight gone from the budget! I'm sure y'all will be well. Listen to your husband on that score. And don't die. <3
Thanks so much! I'll try not to die!!! Goodness. I suppose I should give his phone number to one of you so you can find out if I actually disappear from these online spaces, and print off my crypto keys and tell him how to get into all my measly riches here ahaha. Thanks mate, I'm kinda proud of me too, but it means a lot to hear it from you xx
I have thought about that - what if Hive goes to the moon after I die? - and my brother could figure out how to handle my keys if I croak, but my parents would be totally lost. 😂
First of all, glad you're okay.💜
OMG... for some reason I don't seem to remember you were a teacher too.
I can so relate to this part;
It's the exact reason I don't want to go back to my teaching job.
It definitely takes its toll, but - in my experience - only other teachers understand.
'Outsiders' are all like : 'you don't have a right to complain, you have so many vacation' (yeah, right, vacation = time to catch up with all the work that hasn't been done), 'and only (here in Belgium, at least), a 24 hour work week' (again: yeah, right - make that at least a 60 hours work week to get everything done, not counting meetings, parent/teacher nights and stuff, dealing with troubled pupils or - even worse - troubled parents, etc).
You're health and happiness are way more important than your job - I had to learn it the hard way too.
I'm sure you'll figure it out, and you'll find a way to make it work, and be happier and healthier than before.
New adventures to explore....
😂 ......great decision to quit that at this time! I bet your body/being will clock the decision and start to loosen up, knowing an end to the stress is in sight!
A teacher - 40 odd years ago when I was a little boy - once said to me when he was leaving for another job and I was sad coz I liked him - "There are no endings Barge, only new beginnings".
I love that!!! Your teacher was wise, if not quite 'teacher-ey' as that's a very teachery thing to say. Thanks for the cute lamb to look at over a cuppa before I head to work this morning. I'm hoping it'll be easier, though I haven't told them yet and I have no idea how!
Guess you've told them by now!(?) .......hope it went smoothly and you found the right words/timing.
The cute lamb was barely 36 hours old at the time of the photo :)
I took early retirement at 55 and never regretted it. This is a new beginning!
Thanks so much. I need to hear lots of stories like this. Did you think you were financially secure when you left, or was it a matter of survival?
My post at work became redundant. They offered me another job in the organisation, but unfortunately, I had a boss that didn't know what he was doing and caused people a lot of grief. I loved working for the organisation but because of him I couldn't stand it any more, so I took the redundancy money. I was also able to access a small pension from a previous job when I reached 55 yrs of age which helped. I still took a leap of faith and I honestly didn't know what was going to happen to me financially in the following years
I used to work for a disabled person's organisation in the information department. After I left, I applied for funding to start my own information service. I got local funding to keep me going for awhile but got turned down for major funding.
After that, my mum became ill so I cared for her. I was very close to my mum. After she died my brother and I received our inheritance but it's not going to last me until I claim my state pension. After I'd had enough with the information service I found myself on Hive. I also do a bit of ebaying to keep the funds up!
I don't regret a thing. I think people get to a certain age and realise things aren't what they used to be.
I'm sure you will come up with lots of interesting things to do, whether it's for financial reasons or hobbies. Good luck and enjoy it!
Thanks so much.
Sounds like you got by okay. I'm more like a squirrel wanting the security, but my hubs laughs it off and says 'money will come'. This freaks the bejesus out of me!
How annoying that a boss like that caused you to leave. Mind you, I dont like the people I work with either.
At least he's supportive. I'm sure things will work out and you will find something you love to do.
Found out so much about you in thos comment Ellen!
I found UK can be pretty expensive to live if you're not working and don't have enough pension. That's why we moved to a low cost country when we stopped working a few years ago and lived off our rental income here. That worked quite well till we came back last year cos of covid and am now living in our property hence have no income ☹️
By the way @lizelle runs a Silver Bloggers community https://peakd.com/c/hive-106316/about, I'm sure your story would make an interesting post there
Thank you for the shoutout @livinguktaiwan!
I live in the Midlands but when I go to visit a friend in the south of England I can't believe how expensive it is. I spend a lot of time saying "how much?" lol.
I belong to the Silver Bloggers but not participated yet. I'm only just getting used to this blogging thing. It doesn't come easy to me.
Good for you!
Your well-being is far more important than a job. And particularly one that leads you to panic attacks (which DO feel a bit like having a heart attack)... time to leave.
I felt about that same way when I left the IT industry more than two decades ago. We've struggled with occasional poverty since then, but you can't put a dollar value on health and being content with your life!
I love to hear that. I used to struggle with occasional poverty, and I think I was far happier. Somehow the bills always got paid. You just made do with less. It's true what they say - more money doesn't mean more happiness.
You know, since writing this post I've realised what a momentous bloody announcement this is!!
!ENGAGE 20
ENGAGEtokens.I understand how hectic it could be as a teacher, the stress sometimes want to make you breakdown and for some they do. I believe you've taken the right step to quit and have a healthy life than suffer life-threat. I hope your husband do well and I wish you a good health, you wouldn't die, better days are ahead
I appreciate you saying so. Yeah, it's pretty awful. I'd much rather a more relaxed life, with less money.
!ENGAGE 10
ENGAGEtokens.Our health and well-being are more important than any amount of money. It’s better to earn a little crypto from blogging here on Proofofbrain than being sick from a Career.
Thanks @offgridlife. I need to hear this over and over so I feel good about what I'm doing! Let's hope HIVE rises a bit so I can have a decent amount of pocket money - it wouldn't pay the bills so much for me here!
Well, I was able to Buy a car recently with my crypto. Thanks to Bitcoin, and a few others.
What I tell people is :
If it's eating into your time, leaving you no rest, causing you health problems, then it probably should be paved away!
You'll get through it ok
Thanks!
I want to appreciate you teachers out there, You all helped me grow in terms of communication, understanding and all.
I am really sorry about your sister and your increased stress level
it is a good thing that you want to take your time off.
Like a popular saying I know of is that" body is not made of firewood,you have to rest or the else the body will find it self one time too.
I am also happy that you have a caring person for a husband, you are in perfectly good hands.
Hive and crypto has got you @riverflows
My sister is good now. It was a shock, as she was healthy, and we just wouldn't have thought it would happen at her age - we still don't know why it happened. I'm very, very lucky that I have a husband as supportive as I do, and such a wonderful online support system in HIVE!
You know, I have hardly spoken about my teaching career on HIVE, and I've written a LOT on this platform. People have a pretty poor view of teachers here, so I guess I didn't want to be labelled as a 'teacher', but all the other things that make me, me. But when I hear a nice comment about teachers, well, it makes me proud that I have been one and gave it a good go. Thanks so much for your comment!
it's totally great to be a teacher.
I don't care who stigmatizes you all, but you guys deserve to be respect at all cost.
same respect as doctors
no bias
i owe my growth and cool headedness in my life to my teachers.
i love you all
❤️❤️❤️
it's a new week, and I'll love to be very active,
let's kindly engage each other.
teacher to student
one love
Ah, awesome. Kind words indeed. You must have been lucky with your teachers!
I guess, right now
i just want to appreciate everyone of them, some have died though.
some days, I sit reminisce alot.
If this people had not taught me,
I lost my mother, and since then learning and growing up has been different for me.
It is really good to have someone that brings you up from their past experiences, guiding you from making silly mistakes
I quit my teaching job in 2017, I was sick for a whole full month, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't get out of bed but then when I finally made the decision to leave it, it felt like I was gonna miss it. In your own situation I believe health is eventually more important. Wish you all the best
I can tell you know EXACTLY how I'm feeling. I think I'll miss it too, or parts of it, but there's definitely more reasons to leave.
Some decisions certainly seem tough ( I kinda of know what you mean,I threw away my job at the peak of my career) but when you know what to do and do exactly that you find peace and serenity.
Health is so important and where I live there is a proverb they use often - without a wall or a background you cannot hang your painting.
Yip, take care of your health, money comes and goes we have but one life to live and we need to enjoy it or there is no point in this existence.
Sending good thoughts and prayers. Take care.
I love that proverb. It's similiar to the one about builing your castle on sand, right? Thanks so much for stopping by. Intrigued to know how and why you left your career now!
Don't worry about those six months , statistics tell most die from heart attacks in the first weeks after they stopped working . Planes have to descent from there height and land before arrival , stopping in mid air is no option .
I wish you safe descent and landing ,... have the hub stand by with some jump start cables and a fully charged 12V battery pack . Where you do have the perfect place made by you both to land on and enjoy a happy retirement from the magnificent seven .
Me ? my story ? ... let's say i crashed big time ,... still at the wreckage in the wild somewhere wondering how to fill the next 20 or so years . Now don't feel sorry for me , it could make me feel sorry for me to , and that i do not . I survive , and by finding some humor in it all makes me move on .
It learned me some shit ,.... like i am not indestructible , and am as mortal as any other .
Well at least it is nice and silent near the wreckage and no need to stress , it's broken , so it will not go anywhere soon . Might as well enjoy the view and use it as a shelter .
Chill out , relax , and have a soft landing ;-)
Lmao re the heart starter there - I'm sure he has the equipment in the shed. They say that about farmers too - once they stop, they die fast. Humour is the best way to deal with life, really. I appreciate yours, as I do your long winded and slightly strange metaphors that make perfect sense.
I like to add , May and June are the months where many have heart related problems , Some not yet fully understood frequency coupling is always going on during this period with our Sun . And sorry no links or other info ,.. just know there is influence beyond your senses , so do not relate all your heart hiccups to your mental experience at that moment . Just meditate true it and be humble to our Sun .
Damn , now i sound like some guru floating around being mystical and shit .
Probably telling thing you already knew all along .
And yes , it's a long and winding road ahead , unless you straighten out your tomorrow .
Nothing like reggae to soothe my soul, you know me too well!
That's interesting, about May and June with heart attacks!!! I wonder if it's the same in southern hemisphere - just looked!! It's January!
Whoops , well you now knowing is half the hurt . ;-)
I feel you. In more ways than you know. Strength for the rest of the year. You will survive and emerge into the light. You will.
Thanks so much. I appreciate that, because things are feeling pretty dark at the moment! xx
Ooh, Congratulations!! A good decision!
That last week sounds a bit like the last warning, and it's so good that you saw the sign and acted on it.
I had a similar situation years ago.
Universe usually rewards it when we take a step in the direction that is right for us. New opportunities will open up and I'm excited to see where it'll take you! :-)
And maybe the next 6 months won't be that hard, because you're gonna do your job knowing that the end is in sight.
All the best to you <3 <3
I do hope the next 6 months are easier to get through or I might just die! It's kinda wierd thinking that I'm heading to the end, but I'm sure it'll be as you say - things will fall into place and new opportunities will arise!! Thanks so much for your well wishes, means a ton!
Hey, you also don't have to do the whole six months! If necessary, just leave earlier, leave right now if you want to, there's always a way!
Your well-being is so much more important than anything! And six months can be a long time.
There are still so many fun things to do here on Earth and it would be a shame if you'd leave us before it's time <3
Take care of yourself <3
About time you did it! Anyway, what you really need is a hug become the old G-dog. World's best hugger you know. I issue them sparingly, and with caution, as their hug-power is strong.
Failing that get that husband of yours to effect one, it'll not be as good but will probably do the trick. 🤣
Hey knucklehead, take care ok?
Thanks honey!! I have a very, very affectionate husband, thank goodness. He has been administering those oxy producing hugs as often as humanly able - honestly, I'm the luckiest woman ever!!!
Yeah it's super tough at the moment - and not something that can be solved with painkillers. But I'll get there!
You'll be fine. Day by day, you know?
Life is too short to work at something you don't love.
If you're not into materialistic stuff, and I know you're not, and you paid off your mortgage, there's really little reason to force yourself into a job that stresses you put. Life is too short for all that crap. Enjoy your new life!
Dear @riverflows, you're so right to have made this life changing decision; your health and well-being is way more valuable as that is something all the money in the world cannot buy!
I'm sure you'll find your niche, just give yourself time.
I've known so many who gave up a job by choice or were forced by circumstances and ended up doing something they loved!
Don't be so hard on yourself, don't look too far ahead and take each day as it comes, you will be ok as you for sure have an untapped source of inner strength!
Take it easy and remember this phrase from a Leonard Cohen song:
PS thank you for prodding me to start #silverbloggers, I'm loving it❤
My wife and I both retired in our 30’s. Best decision we ever made. I do some consulting every now and then but it helps to have the mortgage paid off, and not having any debt. You can earn a lot of pocket money on places like Youtube, HideoutTV, Theta.TV, Amazon, etc....
I am so sorry you had this experience, that must have been so frightening but I am so happy to hear that you have made this decision, your health is your wealth and you so deserve to be healthy and well and enjoy your life. You give so much, now it is time for you to give to yourself. Much love to you beautiful. xxxxxx
(@trucklife-family here)
Firstly, I didn't know you are a teacher! How cool. I love and respect teachers a lot as I can imagine the weight their calling comes with. Teaching is not something you take on, it is something you ought to love to even attempt.
A decade of balancing everything should be enough especially if it's draining your health. I feel like you gave it your best and for that you deserve the rest.
Finances are always that determining factor most of time but when it comes to health, the scale changes. I believe that other doors of earning will open up for you. I am not trying to patronise you but you have a huge advantage here if not anywhere else.
May light always stay with you :)
You know I always honor teachers when I see one and give a thumbs up to everyone of them because I Know very well that I can't do such job , like ever! You really tried to work for ten years as a teacher, God! You deserve to rest your brain.
Definitely you'll get through this. It when people think of themselves dying, that's when they live more longer.
You won't die but guess what? You'll conquer.
That's tough! I work in an ed-tech company and I am in contact with a lot of teachers so I understand a little bit of what you are talking about. I think teachers are very undervalued sometimes and a lot of people think that teaching is all about those hours that you spend in the classroom but there is actually a lot more to it.
I hope you can live a healthier life for many, many years from now on!
Coincidentally I just purchased a copy of Who Moved My Cheese after thinking of it recently when discussing change with a client. I read it back in my college days for a psych class, and its simplicity resonated. Sounds like you are definitely well overdue for a change!
Hang in there girl. Sometimes the hardest part is finally making the decision, now time to let go and just ride it out to the finish line! I'm sure the money stuff will work out as it should. Glad you have that wonderful man by your side to support you with what's much more important than money.
And you know I will happily post funny garden photos to keep your spirits up along the way. Though more appropriately to the metamorphosis you are about to undergo, I saw these guys this morning in the meantime...
Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that it hit you this hard! When stress at work became too overwhelming for me, one of my coping mechanism was that I started caring less and less. Of course, as a teacher in the public sector that would have harder consequences for your students, so I'm sure it's not what you want. Which is why I was so happy to see your decision to quit! And then right about it without any guilt or shame, or any other baggage. The other thing I really liked is how you didn't start going on about the conditions of work, or about your particular work, but simply put work and happiness are mutually exclusive. How right you are! And so if you start any side gigs with your garden, or yoga, or surfing, or writing, it simply won't be work. In fact, I bet you'll even end up filling kiddos' heads with info at some point, and even that won't be work any more. Just the pure joy of doing what makes you happy, and what I'm sure was what got you into teaching in the first place.
Thanks lovely. Yeah you can't care 'less' in this job as you are caring for human beings. You know, being in the classroom is the best thing about it, as I'm interacted with the kids that I really like - their energy, their innocence, their potential. But everything else - blah. I'm done. The guilt and shame - well, I have six months to work through that, I guess. And then some. I don't actually LIKE moaning about the work conditions as it actually solidifies my angst more in my head - I just want to feel good about what I'm doing, and that's not how I'm feeling right now. xx
Oh goodness, yes, that's exactly what I need. xxx Right back atcha for your week as well...
😍 Actions speak louder than words 😊
My support for that big and brave decision. I can identify with the stress you are dealing with as someone who also works at school and is the end of school year now. Was thinking about quitting the job for same reasons; what still keeps me going is that I still love interaction with pupils and teaching them I see as a way to contribute positive changes in the world. If I may to suggest, to try see things that way to help you go through time left: every parent you made less anxious, every word and feeling that your kids felt as a support are important. And if sometimes some mistake in paperwork appears is no big deal, who works that one makes mistakes :)
Panic attacks are usually sign of feeling like loosing control but you have it, just overwhelmed, tired and forgot that you have it ;)
Oh I love students - that's what's kept me from quitting for a long time. They can make me smile when no one else can.
OMG that's amazing wisdom!!! Love it. Thankyou.
Congratulations! It's a liberating feeling I know.
I do feel that it's still too early for me to retire/quit given all these responsibilities I've neglected. I feel a bit stuck atm tbh. Unless the cryptoworld will magically change it for me overnight lol.
But anyway, this is about you.
I do believe you can do this. 100% full support! 😊
Oh babe enough about me, feel free to vent!!! I know, it's a struggle to find balance between money and life, and I'm just lucky my husband will keep working to support us both for now! Thankyou xxxx
Quality of life is very important, and you've had far too much stress for far too long. One needs to take care of one's self, and it sounds like leaving this job was what needed to happen.
Thanks babe. I need these repeated messages from everyone to affirm my decision so I very much appreciate yours.
Wow so much love in the comments here so I won’t take up too much more of your time. I just had to say I am so very proud of you for choosing YOU first :)
I’ve noticed you haven’t been around as much on discord and was seriously going to send you a “thinking of you message and hope you’re okay.” Glad I read this post and I am excited for all of the new and exciting ventures you have ahead. I know things will work out for you financially as you are a creative and resourceful woman with a supportive husband who’s got your back. ❤️
Enjoy ~ 😘
@crosheille more love never hurt anyone, and it's a testament to the HIVE community that there are so many comments that are absolutely making a shitty week better, and my decision more golden. It's been a tough time so Discord hasn't been my priority, I've seriously struggled - actually chuffed you even noticed, so thanks so much for caring. I really appreciate this message lovely xx
I love hearing that all of these comments have helped make your week better. 😊
For sure. Sometimes we have to put things aside to focus on what’s in front of us, I totally get it. Sometimes I can be so tuned here and be caught up with what’s going on then other times my RL has a lot going on and I can’t be around as much.
You are too special to go unnoticed ~ ♥️
sometimes you gotta just let go of what's not serving you. panic attacks seem no good. I've had my share of them. maybe something else will illuminate for you to do instead.
I'm hoping so - those opening and shutting doors, you know. I feel if I dont shut one, it's too hard to open another. I know I have to let go, because it's utterly not serving me - except for the paycheck, which I should not attach to as much as I do.
Huge changes can be difficult to make- even when we know it’s the right choice. Good for you for being strong and redesigning your life to suit your needs.
Why not develop a curriculum of your own, which will let you do some online classes at your comfort ?
Rather than the End of Something ... it is better to think of it as the Beginning of Something.