There is nothing new happening in my life or I should say there are a lot of things ongoing that's why probably I don't even realize what is right or wrong. Lately, I haven't been myself, my mind is somewhere and my body is somewhere. After being sick for a couple of days, I started struggling with my health. Even though I have been going here and there, doing chores; still I feel I am not where I need to be. My EMDR therapy started and it's intense. I didn't realize the intensity of this therapy at first, I heard about it. But when I actually started having it, I understood what kind of therapy it was. EMDR means eye, movement, desensitization, and reprocessing. It might seem nothing but for one hour every week, your entire energy will be burned. It's a therapy for people who have traumatic experiences and psychological difficulties. I have both.
I had to wait for long 6 months to get this therapy, the waiting list was long. At one point, I was hopeless that I was not going to get the treatment I needed because no matter how much I did activities or took medicines, in the end, I keep everything inside and pretend like nothing happened. The Interesting fact was, that I went to EMDR therapy in a good mood but left the room with sadness. My doctors clearly understand that somehow a part of me lives in the past and is still there. I never realized that properly until I started this therapy. The most difficult part of this therapy is concentrating on one specific memory, a very specific event, and an image. And my mind goes here and there, don't want to focus on that trauma. If I focus on the memory, I stay there and cannot come back. Human mindset and psychology are fascinating, you can't even understand how the brain and mind work.
There was a time in my life when I didn't believe in these. In my culture, people consider psychological issues as laziness and madness. I faced a lot of traumatic events even when I was a child, I witnessed such an intense event which later affected my psychology at some point. This is not the first time I have seen a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I had been through intense psycho-treatment before for my Schizophrenia but my current doctors believe that I haven't been diagnosed with Schizophrenia no matter what my old reports explained. But what I remember and know is that my left hand is full of scars. Not one, not two, it's a lot.
People say it's better to cry rather than holding yourself and I cry every day. Unfortunately, my family never saw my struggle and it hurts me. I faced abuse, harassment, and ignorance. I have trust issues, depression, social anxiety, hallucinations, psychosis issues, and nightmares. My doctors tried to treat my intense nightmare problem by giving me IRT (imaginary rehearsal therapy) and obviously, it didn't work out because I find it bullshit. An individual who is trying to hide everything inside and pretend nothing happened, she never gonna be expressive about her nightmares. She will try to forget those as much as possible.
My childhood traumas are scattered but the recent traumatic experiences are vivid. Anytime they come to me, haunt me, and leave me behind with nothing. I sometimes feel ashamed of myself, it happens when I try to socialize. I don't know how to be happy in the middle of limitless emotions and anger. The last treatment took 8 years of my life. My stress and panic level goes higher when I think when I will be normal like before. Or I guess I was never a normal kid. In school, I was a shy, back-bencher girl who didn't have many friends. Nobody wanted to talk to her because she was skinny and black, a failure.
In college, I was the most wanted criminal girl 😀 who bunked the classes and failed in Math and biology; in my culture at that time, I used to be a spoiled girl but I was happy 😁. After higher-secondary school graduation, I became mature and serious about life, and career and studied well. I have achieved a lot but lost a lot too. But in the end, I often think about what I did with my life. In the end, I am nothing; even a cockroach is better than me I guess...
I always said to myself, I cannot change the past. But what exactly I am doing so that my future will be better!! I don't know. Sometimes I think I am making everything up, everything is inside my head and I am lazy, not depressed. I feel guilty always but for what I don't know.
Well, how I have been doing? I guess I am doing better but again am I pretending to be better!!! My doctors know...
Love
Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thoughts easily...
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Hey lovely soul! I know all too well how you’re feeling inside. In my life I have had many traumatic experiences and many hardships and like you, I stuffed it all inside. The thing about stuffing it inside is that it always wants to come up and purify, but then again we’re not letting it. As a result we struggle with anxiety… anxiety is really all that junk that we stuffed inside that wants to come up and leave.
I’ve been struggling with depression many times in my life and kinda got a hang of it, but anxiety that appeared last year was a brand new thing for me. At first I threw some pills at it and got better, but once I stopped taking them, soon enough it came up again.
This time round I am determined to get to the root cause of it and of course, as you know the root cause are all those experiences that I lived through that I hold on to. Because not wanting to face them, we’re holding on to them. This time round I want to face them all. I’m giving them room to be and pass through me, so they’re no longer stuck and screaming for my attention.
So please, please don’t feel weird about being sad. It’s ok to be sad, angry, guilty, happy, joyous… all of those emotions are ok to feel. Just let them pass. In this journey I found Michael Singer. He has tonnes of podcasts on YouTube. Have a look and see if it aligns. His approach is so very simple, but it works.
Let’s do this together fren. It is possible to rise above all those things you’re describing. I know ALL of it you’re describing too well 💙
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That's what I have been doing and that's what I do now as well. I feel stuck somewhere and cannot move even though I fight with myself every day to move. It's strange and sounds insane because no sane person thinks this way. My thoughts sometimes fascinate me, every time they are unique and come up with different forms. I needed professional help and that's why I never hesitate to take help when needed. I didn't care what people think about me but sometimes, I see myself as small in front of others.
I can understand you properly and I am sorry that you also had to go through all of these. I hope you are doing good. Thank you so much...
Doesn’t sound insane to me at all. I’ve had weekends when I went to bed on Thursday night and got up on Saturday morning. All day gone, slept 30 hours straight! I didn’t try to fight it either. Just had no will to do anything but sleep 😴
Thoughts are fascinating, but the shit they say sometimes is disturbing and makes us believe that it’s the truth, while it most definitely isn’t. I spent days and night so deeply in my thoughts that I barely realised anything around me.
Anyway… I’m happy that you are getting help. I’m seeing holistic practitioner too, cause things got out of hand and my body started reacting with allergies and various other health issues. I was running myself down, or rather my mind was doing it 😂
Thoughts are scattered and our brain makes them up when we are stressed mostly. Overthinking also causes delusional thoughts and imaginary images. My doctor said, my brain picks very specific images from different incidents and creates a whole new story and presents it. It is so vivid that it makes me believe that this is going to happen to me. For example, I was on the bus going to the hospital and somehow I imagined myself on a train and almost forgot where I was, what's the reality...
My treatment still didn't talk about holistic practitioners but they did suggest group talking sessions so that I feel comfortable and believe that there are people like me, and I am not alone...
I hope you are doing well now...
Psychological therapy takes time so we need patience. I felt sad to know about your condition mate, it really hurts. You should come out of your past. Schizophrenia is stupid disease in humans for me. As you mentioned, you didn't have this either what doctors said in the past. You need meditation and Calmness of your mind. Don't mess with old and bad memories. Like you, I was naughty in class and known for my cunning activities 😂. Class bunk is the most funny thing done by backbenchers. I hope, you are not a backbencher in the University, anyway have a good day. I wish you fast recovery and good physical health in future.
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I tried meditation but it didn't work out, so far I have tried so many things but my mind works very differently and that's why I am still on medications. For normal people childhood memories are sweet but some memories haunt people life time.
Thank you for your time and have a nice week...
Like you say, you can't change the past. Whatever happened, whoever was horrible to you is all in the past. You can't change that, nor can you change how people act towards you.
However, you can control your future and where you want it to go, even if it takes a little longer. You have time Priya, no need to rush. Just take things at yours own pace and remember that every new day is a new achievement!!
Dear Pauline, I told you before that I really appreciate our talk in Poland and it encouraged me a lot to move forward, to be social, and to share and talk to others. I feel lonely, alone by myself always even though I am surrounded by people. Crowd doesn't give me the anxiety like it used to be but still sometimes imaginary images come in front of me. I call them imagination but my doctors told me that those things actually happened and I need to face it instead of letting them come over and over again. I couldn't and I still cannot. I feel scared, I feel the fear of those dark moments thinking they will take me with them and I won't be able to come back.
This is something I need to believe because I push myself a lot and expect a lot. When everything goes down, I go down and then my loneliness and thoughts put me in deep depression... Unfortunately, I still don't understand why I am like this...
Thank you @livinguktaiwan for everything and hopefully again we will meet and have a conversation. Thanks for always being so supportive and helpful...
Did you LIVE? Did you LOVE? If so, then you did enough. 💜
You are right, a part of me thinks I have done more than enough but the part which is stuck somewhere thinks I am not enough. I don't know who to blame but like I said, I make things up that cause depression...
Thank you so much dear for making time to read my post...
It sounds like your doctor gets it. It's very sad and upsetting that you've had to wait such a long time. Like you said, it sounds intense but lets hope your doctor and therapy can help you this time. Please don't think you are nothing. You are so much more than that! ❤️
I am trying my best to stay positive and learn and educate myself. I travel and see different places but in the end, I find myself alone at nowhere. It's like you have everything but you are not happy because you find everything useless and nothing inspires you...
I think the fact you are going out and exploring is a step forward to where you were. It's very early days with the new treatment. This might be the key you are looking for.
Might be, let's see how everything goes. Time will say...
You are going to therapy, you are working towards that life, you are doing an amazing job, even if you don't see it yet because you are still in so much pain.
I'm super familiar with this feeling. From my own experiences with therapy and working on healing I learned that this was a result of not ever getting validation for feelings as a kid (and adult), being told/made to stuff my feelings, having my pain and suffering downplayed and dismissed. My brain was shaped to believe all of this from the very beginning, and it's been hard to learn that I actually deserve to acknowledge my pain AND my needs. Also, stress can make shit feel a million times worse, which can also make me feel like I'm making it up. But just because it's from stress and psychological issues doesn't mean it's not 100% real, because it absolutely is.
Sending all the love!!!
You are right, yes from my childhood, I was always told that there is nothing called stress, it's all about laziness and you don't wanna achieve it. For example, I was weak in Math but my father used to force me to get 100% marks in Math. They never appreciated my results or achievements instead they always showed me I was not enough, I always faced comparisons saying look at other kids and look at you. I always felt ashamed of myself. Even when I was in a toxic relationship, the same thing happened, mental and physical abuse and comparison. If I look at the pattern of my life, it was always the same but I was able to keep them inside and consume everything happily...
Still, now, I am consuming but this time nobody is forcing me, I am doing everything by myself. My brain always shows me the unrealistic picture and forces me to believe in it...
Thank you so much for always being with me during this hard time. Love and Huggs...
Parents put so much pressure on their children to do well academically but I was also rubbish at math. When I left school, I realised that as long as I could add up etc the other shite they were trying to teach me didn't matter. I hope parents are different these days.
You've done remarkably well in your life despite what you have been through.
My parents always gave me a feeling of being in a race, a competition, and the pressure was like a pressure cooker. I dealt with that but somehow it stays. Today I had EMDR again and I must say once again it's more tough than I have imagined. It drains all of my energy... I was so drained that I lost my bus card and I realized when I had to pay for the bus. Anyway, I came home for free though I lost some money which was in the card 😁.
I think future parents ought to have an exam to see if they are cut out to be parents! I wouldn't let some of them look after a stick insect. Kids ought to be nurtured and allowed to do what they want, career wise. Not everyone wants to be a high achiever.
Oh dear about the bus card. I've been reading up about the treatment. It sounds interesting for want of a better word. Next time you go, check that you have everything because you will be knackered when you get out. ❤️
Exactly and I believe raising a kid is very hard in the current world. I guess you are already aware of this generation, digital world. Kids are more into video games rather than playing outside...
I will definitely gonna do that and I am glad I didn't lose my wallet. If I did that, I would be doomed...
I'm glad I was bought up in the age when we just had a yoyo to play with lol.
No, don't lose your wallet!
I know that especially in eastern cultures there is a lot of pressure on the kids to learn and master subjects in school as though they were adults. If I understand it correctly, it's about making the child make the parents look good. That happens here, too, but I think not as extreme. We have different ways of fucking our kids up. My mom would put a lot of pressure on me, but she would help me learn, which I appreciated. Until she got bored, and then was disappointed with me when I tried to teach myself, which happened when I was in home school. I blamed myself for being dumb and lazy for that, when really it was like going to a class with no teacher.
I saw in your reply to ellenripley that you did more emdr and it's really draining. That makes sense going by what you told me before about not feeling anything. The eye movement therapies force you to feel in order to process the trauma and rewrite it. It's a lot, especially if you've been numb for a long time. But in my experience it does get easier. And better. Now whenever I do the ART sessions with my therapist my brain starts jumping ahead to the next steps even before she prompts me because it's been rewired to find a way to heal rather than simply cope and survive. I hope you start seeing those changes soon. I think you will. You're working so hard!! Even if you can't see it. Going to therapy is work.
I love being your cheerleader!!
Yes, that's the point I dislike most. Eastern culture is all about social image and being proud in family gatherings. I personally believe parenting is really hard and every kid is unique and has to be raised that way. Too much pressure is sometimes not good and the most important fact that kills me is when parents are abusive. They put their frustration on kids in an abusive way, I witnessed that, unfortunately.
Yes, and I don't even find any energy to talk. Yesterday I came back home and lay on the bed for the entire time, I couldn't move, I couldn't even feel to talk to anyone and my therapist told me it was normal. It happens. I am still in pain and full of sadness. I don't scream and realize my pain. Instead, I am consuming which is suffocating. Like you said, I hope I will see the results and will feel good and process...
Have a good weekend dear...
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Of course you are something! I remember, even when you were going through torment trying to flee the war, your thoughts were to help others trying to do the same.
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I still cannot believe I did that. I fled and decided to stay safe. I am still trying to figure out how and why I did that. A few incidents happened that I never mentioned anywhere and for those, I am in therapy now. Every single day, I visualize those and that is really painful. Like I said, a part of me is still stuck in the past...
There's nothing wrong with fleeing a war. You've done so much good because of your choice.
Sorry Priya, I'm going to make this comment about me, not you lol ;-) Your fault, you triggered me with the beautiful picture of the sailing boats. I love sailing boats. I want a sailing boat. I NEED A SAILING BOAT! I want that little dark blue one with the small cabin and I could sail the oceans. Thank you, now I'm going to be watching YT sailing videos all day and looking at Ebay for cheap boats instead of working :-(
Read the comments here again. Feel the gentle care and tenderness towards you and let it soak in.
I believe, in my limited knowledge of mental health matters, that taking pictures of sailing boats and posting them here can be very therapeutic and helpful...possibly...maybe....maybe not!!!
Let the doctors do their job and keep going the best you feel able to. Have the best weekend you can Priya :-)
The location you are seeing is not very far from my location. I used to go there almost every day during summertime just to see the boats and swans. These boats are expensive and they are private boats.
I feel always grateful whenever I see how much the Hive community cares and loves. Writing helps but only for a certain period of time. For example, when I travel, I feel excited and happy but at some point, my depression triggers my mindset and I completely feel lost. That happened to me when I was in Luxembourg, thoughts and emotions triggered me out of nowhere.
My doctors are helpful and sometimes I joke about my therapy because at first, I found EMDR very silly. Later, I understood that the process is really intense no matter how I think. Strange feelings and mindset... Darn, my thoughts are so scattered...
Have a nice week my friend...
Its a lovely place to live! I just enjoy being close to water. its calming for me although I can waste so much time if I'm in a contemplative mood lol!
Sailing boats are very expensive! I have some plans to build a small one, but just need the time to start. I hate starting things and then things change and I cant finish!
Have the best weekend you can Priya :-)
I have a dream that when I will retire I will either live on the mountain or near the lake and mountains. Well, I know the location I am talking about pretty expensive one and hard to find but well, it's a wish. I think it would be a great idea if you could make a boat and go for fishing or an excursion... Life is good sometimes...
If you remember nothing else please remember this.
.... every person is valuable
.... and your a person.
You may not feel valuable (I've certainly been there).
Other people may not see your value.
Some people may actively try to make you forget your value.
The fact still remains... you are valuable.
As for trying to "appear fine" for other people... too much work if you ask me. Pretending to be something I'm not is way too much work.
Over time I've learned I'm just me, I want to be the best me I can and my past doesn't define my future. The past DOES set me on the path in currently on but while I breathe I can change.
I believe the community here is cheering for you.. and not because we think your a cockroach but because we think your awesome.
Keep fighting
And take care
I guess because of my upbringing, I couldn't recognize myself ever. I never told myself to stop, that's enough instead I was in thrust of doing everything more than enough to please others. Yes, to please others by comparing myself to others. And that's a huge thing because I never understood my value and my capability. I had enough, I needed to heal but instead, I pushed myself to chase the word "more and more". That "more/ enough" never arrived instead, my inside became empty at last. As a result, I did try to end my life and ended up being in therapy for a long time...
After doing so much and then ending up at zero point do hurts...It causes pain, anger, and stress and later after the mental fight; ends up in depression...
Hive was always a safe place for me because I knew this community cared and wouldn't judge me. I spent my life being judged by others and now I judge myself sadly...
Past definitely doesn't define the future but unfortunately, my past is affecting my present badly...
Thank you so much for all the support, I do appreciate it from the bottom of my heart...
Just let it be. It's enough work, I know. You’re doing well. I'm glad that the time for the therapy you've been waiting for has finally come. ♥️🤗
Yea, the wait is over but I really hope I can continue EMDR because I find it too much for my body and it is very intense in my opinion...
I don't know that therapy well, but I guess your brain needs to learn what it should do. It's normal that everything hurts after your first day at the gym, right? This is the same!
So far your treatment and your great work have prevented you from going back to the starting point. Keep trusting in yourself, I trust, my dear! ♥️
Thank you for such wonderful words dear, I really appreciate it. Hope this therapy works for me...
My thoughts are with you, always my friend.
!HUG
Thank you for always being by my side dear...
I sent 1.0 HUG on behalf of @katerinaramm.
(1/2)
Sending hugs to everyone out there, we're gonna get through this! 😊
Thank you so much for the love and support...
The stress is getting to EVERYONE right now. Stress is, in my opinion, the main CATALYST which provokes breakdown of the mental/emotional faculties. The human mind can only take so much stress before cracks begin to emerge. Sleep is one of the major remedies - although sleep is, of course, more challenging when the biochemistry is all messed up. Add 24-hour internet availability, and it is even tougher. Time management skills is also a major tool against nervous breakdown. Be easy on yourself. You're not alone....
You are absolutely right. It all started from mismanagement of time and lack of sleep. Then work stress added and later everything together including trauma became massive and caused breakdown, unfortunately. I am trying my best to stay stable, let's see.
Thank you for your time and support...
Thank you...
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